Vol. 1 My Earliest Works
A. J. Elbridge
Australian Mad Magazine No. 364
Dear Diary, today I begin the "Heaven on Earth" project, the first of its kind. If successful I shall go into mass production. I've a production schedule of eight days and had developed all the plans and lodged the relevant Council approvals myself.
The project has started late. The contractors claim I gave them directions for the wrong site. They also say that under the terms of the contract I was to supply the light and heat. To save time I've provided a temporary gaseous fireball. However, this was not in my budget so we've cut a few corners. Earth will now be round rather than square. The architect says it will now not age so badly because of the smoother form, or something like that.
Marine engineers are experiencing difficulties. I have over-ordered on water based on the original consultant's advice. The supplier has delivered the whole order and has left for another universe to make another delivery. Won't be back this way for light years. We'll now have to dig deeper ocean channels and heap displaced soil on the landmasses that I originally planned to create flat. I hate to think of the future transport problems that I creating!
Unfortunately Atlantis may one day go underwater due to it's positioning. To cap it off, now the landscape gardeners will not have enough greenery to go around. I want the mountains well covered so they don't look like a mistake, but now I've created deserts. Sheesh! When the profits start coming in I'll get back to it.
Now we are well behind and the early problems have already taken half my budget. We start work on the sun, moon and stars. Again corners were cut to trim costs and safety items were the first to go. Many lives lost building the sun as the permanent heat and light source as temporary gaseous fireball too volatile to extended use. The contractor said he is going to sue the pants off me. I said, "go ahead, I don't wear pants, just robes!" That's got him thinking.
Couldn't afford all the stars I wanted so we've gone for a couple of what the sales guys called "black holes". Don't know much about them but they were a bargain.
Not happy with the moon. Looks like it's made of cheese for my sake! I wanted a more classic look. I only know what they were thinking.
The animal order came through today. Oh my self! What a schemozzle. I appointed three main contractors to cover earth, sky and sea to fill the entire order. They in turn have gone to several sub-contractors as they didn't have sufficient manufacturing capacity. My original brief has become so misunderstood that they are producing some bizarre creatures. On top of that the designers say they've had to come up with new designs to cope with the other modifications to the project. To cap it off, the biggest items, the dinosaurs, have been delivered with a limited warranty and no guarantee of spares back-up beyond a few centuries as the contractor has gone bust! I've had every animal salesman in the universe leaving samples - I've lost complete control. I just hope that they all get on but I'm not sure of the herbivore and carnivore thing.
Started today excited. I was going to create the human species in my own image. Well I wasn't, but this sculpture guy was. Had to fire him. It was terrible. Nothing like me. But I'd spent heaps so had to use it anyway. I called it 'woman' and then passed it down for mass production. The fellas on the shop floor seemed to have like it. Spent the rest of the day having a crack at making my image instead. Eight hours in the mirror mucking around with it. In the end make a whole bunch but they're all hopeless. I've called it 'man'. Sent them down to the plant and said to make these and modify woman to match each one. I'll have another go on Day 8.
Found a big mistake in my project schedule. While I made bountiful lands and oceans and then animals and man, etc, I forgot to cater for everyone!
They're literally been starving and dining out on each other. Must remember to provide food before creating animals next time. I hope they all forget the taste of blood and stop eating each other. Never again. The project manager has just advised that my budget is just about gone so there is not enough food to go around. Maybe the carnivore and herbivore thing was not such a big mistake after all.
Got a status report back last night. I'm broke. The project has gone way over budget. I'll barely have enough to get by myself. Man will just have to make sacrifices to me for a while. As assessment on how the project is operating is not good. The sun was supposed to be an eternal energy source, but it looks like eternity is not as long as I had first figured. Also we've not provided enough energy source on earth for more than a few thousand years - less if they start building cars. The nutrients in the soil are also not replenishing and we overlooked providing renewable resources. On top of that, man seems to be a bit of a worry. Too smart by half. He'll get his and those woman creatures have his measure! I think I'll just have a rest today.
Thought about all the things I could do to improve things. I think I might travel to another universe and see if I can sell the new improved earth concept to someone else. A far more advanced universe with space travel and renewable energy. And I think I'll paint the inhabitants green...
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