However, there are times in our lives when we are faced with decisions that will completely change the course of our lives, and it is during these times when we sit down and ponder over our choices and alternatives; a new car, a new home, a girl/boyfriend, a life partner. I have come to this conclusion that for most of us, for most of the time, we know which decision we would make, and we only delay in making it for the sake of giving ourselves more time. This is so that if it turns out that it was a wrong decision, we can at the very least say that we had given it enough thought and consideration.

It was about a year ago that I reached another one of the milestones of growing up. An ex-neighbour called me one night and asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with her. I had no one to go with so I said 'yes'. Anyway we were close friends during our childhood days so I thought it would be a good chance to catch up on things.

We went for a pizza dinner before the concert. We talked much, but most of it was just ... talk. We had both grown up and there were things that just didn't connect. We went for the concert, and after that I saw her home.

Call me anything you want but I wasn't really surprised when I received a phone call from her two days later. She asked me if I wanted to go out with her. I asked 'who else' and she said 'just the two of us'. She might not have known it but to me, it was a blatant expression of an interest in a relationship. During the five seconds after, dozens of questions flashed through my mind as I desperately weighed the odds and tried to come to a decision; one that would probably affect my whole life afterwards.

I had been unattached for a long time before that and it was more, I'd like to believe, a matter of choice rather than circumstance. I had subconsciously built myself a safe haven and was enjoying a carefree, happy-go-lucky life. And I felt that, to quote a folk singer Loreena McKennitt, I wasn't "ready to give up my engagement to the world for just any relationship."

It was with great doubt and perhaps a little bit of grief and regret that I told her I was busy. It hurt me that I had to turn her down and she did sounded hurt. And I know how much courage it takes to call someone you like, knowing that a negative answer would send your world crashing down on you.

She was a very nice girl, and a rather pretty one at that. And she would be one whom my parents would have been happy to know I was going out with. My ego was bloated to think that she would have an interest, whatsoever, in me.

After those fleeting seconds, I told her that I would be busy and she said it was okay and hung up. I stood by the phone for a long while pondering on what I had done. I had broken a heart, dashed some hopes, destroyed some dreams, and I might have just forgone the possibility of a long-lasting relationship.

But I cherished my freedom.

She did not call me again and the next time I saw her was at the bus-stop, standing beside a guy whom I presumed was her boyfriend. For that moment, I question myself. I could have been the one standing beside her then. And then I asked myself if turning her down was a big mistake. A film of regret wrapped round my heart and these questions lingered in my mind for many days after, taunting me of what I had done. It was only after then that I come to a conclusion:

We will always be faced with decisions that we have to make, whether we want to or not. The thing is that we have a choice. It might turn out to be a good choice, it might turn out to be a bad one. But having the power to choose at that moment in time, we would have to live with the consequences of our decisions.

No use thinking of what could have been, for it has come to past and no amount of thinking can revert the situation.

I have tried explaining this school of thought to many people and most have a problem swallowing my rationale. But I still stick to it like my life depended on it (there are times when it does), and when people ask me if I ever regretted making a wrong decision, I always give them the same answer.

No regrets.

Jason Q.
24 May 1997