Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud
The Black Widow
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
The Cancer Man Can
Alan Shore: Denny, I could be wrong, but you might wanna think about settling this.
Denny Crane: You're absolutely right. You could be wrong.
Special Agent Kevin Drummond: Anything the FBI or police do, it's state action, we have limitations. What a private citizen does however, no poisonous fruit issues, no civil rights concerns…
Denise Bauer: A child is missing. If you could be a little less cryptic.
Special Agent Kevin Drummond: A lot of kids who live in cults for example, their parents hire PI's to basically kidnap them. Technically it's a crime. Are these parents ever prosecuted? No. Brad you yourself hired some PI's to do an intervention. Legally that was false imprisonment. Did we prosecute? No.
Denise Bauer: Is he being less cryptic?
Brad Chase: Self help.
Special Agent Kevin Drummond: That brother knows something. I know he knows something. If we weren't under such scrutiny we'd grab him ourselves and encourage him a little. I never saw you take that badge out of my desk drawer. Never saw you take that one.
Denise Bauer: Wait. Wait, wait. Are you suggesting that we impersonate FBI officials?
Special Agent Kevin Drummond: I would never suggest that.
Warren Peters: I'm not intimidated.
Denny Crane: Of course you are. Here's what you need to know about the practice of law, son. It all comes down to money. I've got it. He doesn't. I'll win. Denny Crane.
Randall Kirk: My lawyer dropped me.
Denny Crane: Bugger.
Randall Kirk: Did you think you've won?
Denny Crane: I do.
Randall Kirk: I'll find another one.
Denny Crane: No you won't. Nobody's going to make any money suing Denny Crane with a client who initiated the conflict by throwing a rock. But hey! If you can find another shark like the last one, you know where to find me. Only. Don't come in personally, okay, sport? I'll file a complaint for stalking.
Alan Shore: Mr Kirk. I'll represent you.
Shirley Schmidt: The firm will have nothing to do with this whatsoever.
Denise Bauer: Understood.
Shirley Schmidt: From now on I don't even wanna know about it. You two are coming up for partner. There are two things you should constantly be aware of. Your actions reflect on Crane, Poole and Schmidt. What's the other thing?
Denise Bauer: You're Schmidt.
Denise Bauer: What's the answer to my question? Short one.
Garrett Wells: Basically if compliance with the law would result in greater harm than breaking the law the defense of necessity justifies breaking the law.
Denise Bauer: The axe was already in motion. The priest just stuck his hand in there.
Shirley Schmidt: How many fingers?
Denise Bauer: Three. We recovered two. The cat ran off with the third.
Randall Kirk: Oh my God! Seventy-five thousand dollars. Man, I ain't never seen this much money at once.
Alan Shore: Mr Kirk, I won't be so arrogant as to give you a life lecture, but however you came into your dire straits I hope you use this money productively to...
Randall Kirk: Oh. Don't you worry. Don't you worry about that. Don't you worry.
Whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on. This, this check came from you?
Alan Shore: It's an accounting thing.
Randall Kirk: But it's a personal check from you. Why?
Alan Shore: It's really of no concern.
Randall Kirk: I wanna know why.
Alan Shore: You deserve that settlement. I'm fortunate enough to be able to part with it. The truth is I can afford to value other things more than money. One such item being my friendship with Denny Crane.
Alan Shore: Why are you going on Larry King?
Denny Crane: Because the American public wants to hear from me.
Alan Shore: No. They want to be entertained by shock and drivel. That's why that show is so happy to exploit you. There's only so much embarrassment the partners at this firm will stand for, Denny.
Denny Crane: What are they gonna do? Get rid of me? I'm the star of the show.
Gracie Jane: It's people like you who are ruining our country.
Denny Crane: I'm not ruining the country. The poor people are ruining the country.
Gracie Jane: You sit there in your two thousand dollar suit blaming poor people? Answer the question.
Denny Crane: The poor people have plunged this country into debt. So much so that there are liberals in Washington who wanna take away my tax cuts. Your tax cuts. We worked hard for those tax cuts. And we're supposed to give them up for what? For Medicaid? Education? Teach them how to read. Hell, if they could read they wouldn't be poor. If Larry were here he'd get this. But you take Katrina. The poor people have cost us billions and billions.
Gracie Jane: In what way?
Denny Crane: Well the rich got out. Damn poor just hung around. For what? To watch! And now we have to pay for it.
Gracie Jane: Maybe they couldn't get out. Maybe they thought that the Federal Government might rescue them or, failing that. Give a damn.
Denny Crane: How stupid is that?
Alan Shore: As for our case. I made it go away. You're completely off the hook.
Denny Crane: That was your plan the whole time. Get in good with him, talk him out of it. The old Trojan horse. What you tell him?
Alan Shore: None of your business.
Denny Crane: I wish you had let me in on the game. I can act you know. I won an Emmy.
Alan Shore: What's this?
Denny Crane: A check for seventy-thousand dollars. It's for you. Not for him. I pay my own way.
Alan Shore: How did you know?
Denny Crane: Here's a little secret. I know things. Don't tell.
Alan Shore: Denny. When we were coming out of the subway station the other day and Randall asked us for change, did you hear him or even notice he was there before he hit you in the head with a rock?
Denny Crane: Did you?
Alan Shore: No.
Denny Crane: You like poor people, don't you? That comment you made about, "They don't even save them when they're dying." You don't think we let people die in New Orleans because they were poor? Do you?
Alan Shore: Don't be silly.
Denny Crane: You do think that.
Alan Shore: He threw a rock, Denny. He'd had enough of being ignored, neglected, he rose up and threw a rock at some rich guy. Thirty-seven million, Denny. You ever wonder what would happen if they all decided to rise up?