|stuff to make u smile...
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:21:53 2003
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||This is a list of rejected slogans for that local 2 star hotel...
16. We're working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on "COPS"
13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but would you have money left over for a hooker?
8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5. It's Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
1. We put the "Ho" in "Hotel"
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:23:04 2003
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||Here are a number of useful phrases you can use at work...
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhhhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14. No, my powers can only be used for good.
15. How about never? Is never good for you?
16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:24:35 2003
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||You want to know how stupid my ex really is? Note, most of these are equal opportunity insults. If your ex is female instead of male, just switch the pronoun.
1. He took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
2. He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
3. He misspells I.Q.
4. He thought Boyz II Men was a day care center and Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
5. Under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked On Phonics."
6. He tripped over a cordless phone.
7. He spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
8. At the bottom of the job application where it says "sign here," he put "Sagittarius."
9. He studied for a blood test.
10. When he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moved.
11. He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
12. If he spoke his mind, he'd be speechless.
13. He thought he could only use his AM radio in the morning.
14. He has a shirt that says "TGIF." He thought stood for "This Goes In Front
15. To call him childish is an insult to children everywhere.
16. He has reach rock bottom and started to dig.
17. His gene pool needs chlorination.
18. Heís not so much a has-been as a definitely-wonít-be.
19. He only opens his mouth to change feet.
20. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
21. He has delusions of adequacy.
22. He qualifies as a gross ignoramus; 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
23. He would argue with a signpost.
24. He brings a lot of joy, whenever he leaves the room.
25. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
26. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
27. He is a prime candidate for natural de-selection.
28. He is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
29. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
30. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
31. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
32. It takes him 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
33. If ignorance is bliss, heís one of the happiest people alive.
34. He stopped to think and forgot to start again.
35. His sole purpose may be to serve as a warning to others.
36. He thinks a hard-on counts as personal growth.
37. He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
38. He is as smart as bait.
39. In an emergency he canít dial 911, because thereís no 11 on his phone.
40. He doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
41. He forgot to pay his brain bill.
42. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
43. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
44. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
45. He is missing a few buttons on his remote control.
46. His receiver is off the hook.
47. He would go surfing in Nebraska.
48. He is an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
49. He is dumber than a box of lint.
50. He took as IQ test and results came back negative.
51. He is all foam and no beer.
52. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:26:33 2003
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||COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR STUDENT ATHLETES
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy's
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:30:22 2003
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||The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!!!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:31:34 2003
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||Fun things for Non-Christians to do in church...
Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
Put stray dogs in coat closets.
Un-tune the piano.
Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
Start a wave.
Do cool things with the lighting.
When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"
Make up your own words to the songs.
Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT FUCKING THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two.
Change sets for the evening service.
If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.
Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Inflate balloons, then send them off.
Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me" and lick them.
Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
Fake a possession.
Speak in tongues.
Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
Drool in the collection plate.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, tell them that they are so screwed.
Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at midnight.
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:32:19 2003
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Funs Things to do to When Jehovah Witnesses Come to Visit...
Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)
Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (2 Kings in Chapter 2, umm... somewhere near the end).
Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
Guys can show an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
||Posted: Tue Sep 30 22:34:28 2003
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Employee Appraisal / Counseling Sheet
This form indicates employee performance in the position they currently hold.
[ ] The son of a bitch really knows his stuff
[ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
[ ] Only half a brain and is dangerous
[ ] Fucking brain damaged, his coffee cup has a higher IQ
[ ] Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy
[ ] Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass
[ ] Has to take off his shoes to count to ten
[ ] Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice
[ ] Extremely cooperative if you kiss his ass frequently
[ ] Brown nose in good standing
[ ] Often pisses off co-workers, thinks it's his shop
[ ] Doesn't give a shit, never did and never will
[ ] A really dependable little cocksucker
[ ] You can rely on him at evaluation time
[ ] Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
[ ] Totally fucking useless/worthless
[ ] Extremely neat, even combs his pubic hair
[ ] Looks great at evaluation time
[ ] Flies abandon fresh dog shit to follow him around
[ ] Dirty, filthy, dirty son of a bitch
[ ] Works like a son of a bitch, if there's money in it for him
[ ] Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time
[ ] Works only if kicked in the ass every 2 minutes
[ ] Couldn't do less work if he were in a fucking coma
||Posted: Wed Oct 1 00:11:56 2003
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>Fun things for Non-Christians to do in church...
My buddy Jared and I came up with a couple.
-Bring butter or jelly to make the communion wafer taste better.
-Bring a plastic cup with you, dip it in the holy water, and sit in a pew next to some old ladies. Somewhere during the service, stand up and shout "Demon! I will betray you for who you really are!" And then douse the old ladies with the holy water.
-Drink the holy water, claiming it tastes just like Perrier.
And that's all I can remember. We came up with some interesting stuff to fuck with people.
||Posted: Wed Oct 1 00:23:24 2003
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||hehe, i love it!
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