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5 minute Story
baristapro Posted: Sun Oct 5 12:48:34 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Okay guys, do you ever just sit down for five minutes and let your fingers do the talking? Seriously, just sit down and free-type for five minutes about whatever comes to your mind. It doesnt have to be punctuated, it doesnt have to make sense. Just your stream of consciousness...Try it. Humor me.


 
baristapro Posted: Sun Oct 5 13:32:43 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  *mine*

So there were a slew of words that were said that were not said and this is the boy who took you by the shoulder and led you astray but that does not matter because he whispers he loves you and you believe him because your mother did the same thing and you are trying to replace her in some sick fashionable embrace the hair in your eyes destroyed your vision for a moment and you forgot to look up at the clouds to see if the stars had poked themselves out yet but it doesnt really matter because you cant see them and the stars are still there in the sky and the color of the wind still dazzles you even though the smell on the air is polluted and ugly you still breathe it in deep forgetting that it may kill you in the end but again all of that doesnt matter because it is the sky you are looking at and the earth is below you but who cares anyway because that is not what the weather forecast in your daily paper told you this morning as you casually watched some stupid sitcom on the television wasting your mind away as the idiot box talked at you for a half an hour a half an hour that you could have spent walking outside or calling your friends or curling with your lover on the sofa bed and you can't seem to get these glass shards out of your hand because you just got so pissed off at yourself that you punched the mirror then you realized that it wa only the sun in your eyes that blinded you and made you so worried that you threw glances over your shoulder and a house plant at your best friend...


 
antartica Posted: Sun Oct 5 14:16:21 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i'm in depression and the worst thing is that i am aware of it... i do need professional help. but in a wierd way i'm in conscious denial. i think i'll wallow in this swamp for a little while. and if i'm lucky i may find myself once again. there was once a boy who found himself, or at least a part of himself in a swamp rite... but with the help of a little green wise creature... agree with me no on this?

i suppose that if i take things easy like i always do, i should be okie...

but the one thing that i do look forward to is to be able to hold someone that means something to me... i suppose that good things come to those who wait. and patience is but a virtue...

it's not easy when you live your life following 2 very stringent rules...
"IF" & "Est Sularas oth Mithos"

Chivalry isn't dead!!!


 
sweet p Posted: Sun Oct 5 16:13:48 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The blurs of images of the night before and all I can say is that i'm happy and i don't care if i'm useless to you because you were useful to me and it is the most wonderful thing in the world to help somebody learn something that they will use for the rest of their lives and i would do it a million times over the same exact way i don't know why i lose my train of thought and stop hearing you and stare into the sky and wonder how it would be to see you from there and see you for the first time again and not know everything that i know rushing back to the start and seeing what is important and not what i think is important or what i want to be important i want you to keep holding my hand so that i don't forget and yet maybe all i want is to forget though one thing i will remember forever is the smell of the summer air and the sounds of the night and the lights relfecting on the windsheild creating images over your face and years before i knew you and knew anything about hte girl who calls herself me and how i sat beside my mum and i heard the song for the first time and it meant everything it was about how much i loved her and my house and my sister and my dog and my school and i couldn't think of anything that it didn't mean or anything that i didn't love and maybe i was crazy or maybe i forgot the song...but things are not as beautiful anymore until i close my eyes.


 
Paulo Posted: Sun Oct 5 17:12:17 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I awoke this morning. I had a strange sensation running through my body. I could see eels on the walls, and the money box shaped phone had just stopped ringing. The sensation was what can be best described as an erection.

After quickly baking a cake, and polishing my statue of the pope, then peeling a banana and putting my model train through an oversized hand I glanced over to my calender.

It is the fifth of the fifth, and this is the day of the year where I go bra surfing in Cornwall, but sadly the phone box we were going to catch to get there broke down because it had run out of fuel.

We went to the petrol station but they were out of Esc key's so there was no fuel for the phone box. This left many of us disappointed but next years trip should be extra special.

So now I sit in my room smelling my bra, and then waxing it. And I may even try it on later as there is nothing much else on television.




 
FN Posted: Sun Oct 5 18:08:05 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  It's now 23:59 sunday evening the 5th of octobre


Still have some stuff to do. I'll guess I'll try to convince my teachers in delaying some stuff.

Didn't have the time to do it (read: was too lazy to do it so I just did other stuff).

I miss my girlfriend. Have spent the weekend with her. She didn't spend the night though because she was sick and I told her to go home. Her parents are very protective so I thought it would be good to score some points by 'letting them have her' while she was sick.

How very considerate of me.

I don't like it though. I have grown dependend on her company. Not really, but I like to tell myself that.

It's weird. I miss her so much but at the same time I know that if we'd break up I'd get over it in like a month or so.

That sucks.

Sometimes I hate myself for thinking the way I think but I can't help it.

It's just me.

Fuck off.

I love her.

Why can't I be emotionally dependend anymore?

My feelings are so numb that some of them seemed to have faded out of existence.

It has been ages since I cried.

I want to cry again like I did when I was younger.

It's hard.

Still have to do my evening excercices as well. 100 sit-ups and 50 push-ups.

I'm proud of myself for doing that. I'm proud that I have the caracter to make myself do stuff like that. My friends all want to do that as well but they never do it for longer than a week or so.

Ok I admid. I stopped doing that once as well. But hey, fuck you, I started again didn't I, and I'm still doing it now so shut up.

I don't want to be fat again.

I hated myself a few years ago when I was fat. Sorry for the fat people if I offend you but it's simply the truth.

Another thing I'm proud of.

I took my destiny (body) into my own hands.

What a nice drawing. My girlfriend made it for me. A charcoal drawing of winnie the pooh holding a pot of honey. She's talented. I miss you. She wrote 'Speciaal voor mijn allerliefste schat, Tinake xxx' at the bottom right corner. It means 'especially made for my sweetest darling' or something like that.

Weird thing, different languages.

I like writing this stuff.

Time to stop.



0:09 monday morning 6th of octobre.

over and out.


 
libra Posted: Sun Oct 5 19:04:50 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  the house next door has been raised to put a new foundation in and although it looked weird to look out the window and have my view more obstructed by this gigiantic house i realize now that i am used to it why is it that i can get used to something i dont like so quickly why can i stay in a bad friendship for so long when i know i need to do something about it to fix it and make it better i dont know what to say to her to make it better and i dont know what i did to make her mad i wish we could just be friends again because we always have and this continuity is something i need in life but not speaking to her over the past week has seemed okay it was wierd at first but i got used to it quickly and i realize that i shouldnt have if i had the choice right now of course i'd talk to her and what to be friends just the same again but i dont have a huge desire to make a large effort to fix this rift between us maybe we need this maybe we need to have some time where we arent friends but what will it do to our other friends they have to deal with our fighting and choose between the two of us how can i make them make that choice i can say they dont have to but they will and i dont want to be left alone


 
momo Posted: Sun Oct 5 21:27:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  monday morning at the office that i dun really belong to but still have to suffer thru it all till i find something permanent. Will get my answer from ice-cream either today or tomorrow have somehow realised that it doesn't matter whether i get it or not cos am already so numb. whatever happened to all my dreams and ambitions that i now no longer recognise hope and directions and signs? Is this normal? is this what they consider the quarter life crisis?

only thing that makes me happy now is chan and every night as i snuggle up to him and am grateful and reassured by the weight of his presence and light breathing next to me. feels real and solid and unlike christophe, i know that it won't take me a month to recover should anything happen to us. everytime i try to talk to god but at the same time i start to blame him and although we should all take responsibility for our decisions and choices, he is still ultimately the one that sets the terrain and the boundaries. which i so resent. we try to carve out a way thru this hellhole called life, sometimes dying without ever finding paradise when paradise is actually on earth becos heaven wasn't made for mortals in the first place...


 
momo Posted: Sun Oct 5 21:30:48 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  forgot to tell hypocrite that i love her for posting this thread and it's the something that i truly needed now. cheaper than therapy.

thank you.


 
iggy Posted: Mon Oct 6 04:25:08 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  strange colours and visions strange colours and visions
gotta keep it in gotta keep it in
iamincontroliamincontroliamincontroliamincontrol
fuckitfucktheworldfuckeverybodyfuckitall

they're mocking me i can feel it i can sense it
theythinkiamfuckingstupid????
i know all of you are judging me all you bloody hypocritical muthafuckers

iamgonnapumpleadintoallyourstinkingbodiesisweartogod

i see red. i see them laughing at me. all those ugliness behind that facade.

i'mgonnagetallofyou

releasereleaserelease


 
dan632 Posted: Mon Oct 6 05:17:35 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  <*(((>< I did this the other night doing exactly what you are talking about, it came out a little weird though. ><)))*>



the fear has fed it, you have let it grow. the world is afraid as it commits to an intimate suicide. you have led the wolves home to the bird's nest. don't be scared of what is about to happen. hold my hands, feel my chest together we share a breath. your life is coming. believe it, here it comes. the jackal in your heart begs for the resistance against a willful attempt of saviour. it is passing you by step by step. here comes the air. don't feed on it but embrace it. there is a little clown in all of us, take it's hand as it reigns the most elite slaughter upon the world. there are guidlines for life just as there is a point where evil becomes all. you will walk to the light, you will bleed black for all who care to see. watch the clouds grow a disease and bleed it's faith upon you. find the pieces of your life, mould them into discrete beauty. the antique lines in your skin make for a lifeless passtime. sing a song of savage elegance as you see the sky fall upon your imagination. destroy that which is evil so that which is good may flourish. feel my chest, breathe with me. together we become a single incurable equation. we are the same. the world will feed on us all, fuck you!


 
FN Posted: Mon Oct 6 13:08:02 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Here I am again. 18:59.

Like doing this. Had a nice day. Did 2 tests that weren't too good but had a lot of fun with my friends.

Clothes smell like sigarettes. Smokers suck. Smoke everywhere. Hate it.

Saw my girlfriend today as well. She forgot her schooljournal so she had to come and get it. Was nice. Best 3 minutes of the day. She couldn't stay, car was waiting.

Need to do homework on brother's pc. Had fight with brother so can't do it. I'll trick him into forgetting it though.

Need new pc. Looked up what I wanted. Way too much money (1800->1900). Saved for one for quite a while and have enough money but don't know if I want to spend it (on a pc).

Need new pc.


Consumer society.

Stop making better pcs.

I wonder what's on tv tonight. I like to watch documentaries about whatever. Politics, wars, animals, diseases, don't care. Learn without being forced. Learning good. Learning in school without beind interested. Learning bad.

Need some new songs. I knew some good ones but forgot. Want to listen to some good lyrics. I'd ike the lyrics of K's choice to be all new to me again. Those are lyrics, not just empty catchphrases.

PC sucks, need new one. Gonna look the prices up again.

Let's see... 19" screen, 1024 mb memory, good soundcard, enough boxes for dolby surround (5.1 or maybe 6.1), dvd player, cd writer, 250gb hd, Radeon 9800 pro or latest geforce, or perhaps wait a little longer for the next gen in a few months. Will probably do that.

Need new pc now.

Money good.

Money above all. Capitalism reigns supreme.

Note to self: start bussiness as soon as possible and make it grow into a multinational. Commit as much fraud as possible.

Have some ideas already.

Money good.

Need new pc.

Miss her.


19:09

the end.


 
FN Posted: Mon Oct 6 16:28:54 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hmm.

I like this, it's interesting to be able to read what's going through my (and others') mind in such a small timeframe (or at least part of it, I don't think you can write at the pace of thoughts).


 
sweet p Posted: Mon Oct 6 19:41:19 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hypocrite = Brilliant!

thank you for starting this thread


 
Kira Posted: Mon Oct 6 21:50:00 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Another day of wandering around like someone outside of time. I'm too old for this but too young to submit. I don't want to do what's expected of me, that's one thing I know for sure and I've got to hang on to that even if I feel like a leech some days.

Walking in circles outside under the sun to try to shake of that immortal feeling. I won't live forever. Calling my dog to me for no reason but that I'm insecure, bugging the poor kid, I've got to grow up. One day!

I wish it were Spring and I hate wishing for the future. Like wishing away my life. I wish for the day I'm proud, wish for the day I'm loved, wish for the day I'm right, it's like wishing for the day I die.

One more minute to go. I've been avoiding this thread because writing so freely makes me nervous but it's such a good idea and I thought I ought to have a go. No more minutes to go. Sixty seconds to write one sentence, I must be crazy.


 
baristapro Posted: Tue Oct 7 03:27:45 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  *yeah, this is really the only therepy I can get, and this way it doesnt matter that the therepist isn't listening*

So this is what I am thinking right now and these are the patterns that words take in my mind that the smoke from my cigarette is made nauseating by the fact that I am the only smoker in this house and I am sorry that I only empty the ashtray once a week but it's okay if you smoke weed in the house because it is your mess and I didn't make it so it justifies everything in the end but is everything really justifiable it is when you don't have any morals or anything to live for anymore but discipline comes rarely at least for myself and I want to work on my art and now have time to do it but will I allow myself to sit down and create that picture that I can't get out of the back of my mind it's eating away at me and I just want to paint it on a wall so that I will be remembered by the next person who enters this apartment building and the next until they wonder who I was and what my life was like and what drove me to create such a provacative piece it is the woman's job to be provacative and confusing and a man's job to untangle her words and tell her what to do that is the way of the world oh scratch reverse I am beautiful and you are wonderful so lets make love on this bed frame and not worry about the consequences make me scream make me bleed make me holy and pure I will call out God's name in vain and hope that he does not hear me or see the vial act that I am commiting let me be free let me be free I am coming


 
baristapro Posted: Tue Oct 7 03:30:05 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  momo said:
>forgot to tell hypocrite that i love her for posting this thread and it's the something that i truly needed now. cheaper than therapy.
>
>thank you.

welcome :)


 
addi Posted: Tue Oct 7 07:26:50 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  excellent thread
I miss "putting my soul" into this place.

*very deep sigh...closes GT and goes back to correlating American government textbook.


 
mat_j Posted: Tue Oct 7 12:17:12 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  My shoulder is throbbing, it shouldn't be but i had a fever last night. In my infinate wisdom i wrapped myself in a blanket and lay on the sofa.

I shivered like hell everytime the slightest draft passed over me i was vunerable.

Peter came to see me. He told me about the winter that is coming. He reminded me how important it was to remember what killed off our adolescents

John and Paul followed they spoke, said i looked bad.

DELERIUM

spoke nonsense to them for a few minutes.

Lee came, i can't remember that

It was so hot up there

I managed to wrap My sleeping bag around my shoulders and steadying myself with my Bokken limped downstairs

Lee said no man has ever looked so much like the king of Rohan. I laughed and ended up coughing.

The others went to get food. I ate hlaf of Peters Chips then some of Johns rice. Lee offered me Some Naan bread but i couldn't eat it.

Johnathan Creek was on TV. Feverish, can't stop making little noises. My lips have dried out, my fingers ache i begin to feel my shoulder throb. Only sleep stopped it's bite


 
baristapro Posted: Tue Oct 7 13:23:43 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  mat_j said:
>My shoulder is throbbing, it shouldn't be but i had a fever last night. In my infinate wisdom i wrapped myself in a blanket and lay on the sofa.


Oh, Awesome post mat_J...this one was really fucking fantastic.


 
FN Posted: Tue Oct 7 18:11:50 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wednesday the 8th of octobre 2003

0:04


Got good tests back today for maths. 11/11 and 9.5/10. Very pleased with that.

Seeing Tina tomorrow. Tina good. Love her. Love bad.

remote control and wallet in front of me. interesting.

Bart still owns me 20. I'll have to punch his nose through the back of his skull if I don't have it back tomorrow.

Note to self: ask intrest next time you loan somebody something.

20% a day should do the trick

Note to self: or just don't loan anybody anything.


Only 4 hours of class tomorrow, 1 of which we'll be watching a movie about the russian revolution. Interesting.

Cellular phone on standby.

I wonder if I should send her a message.

I won't, I don't want to wake her up.

Need sex.

Will have to wait or try some of the sites mentioned in an earlier thread.

Decided to wait.

I wonder what way of dying would be the most painful. Torture, but how? Read about a device which got inserted into somebody's anus or vagina and then expanded, ripping it open.

Wouldn't like that. Ass is a one-way street.

Cold in here. Want to hold her close to me so I can warm her. Miss her so much.


Hungry. Need food now. Stereotypical male in need of sex and food.

Note to self: avoid stereotypes.

Like my brain. Nice to talk to somebody who thinks the same and almost always agrees.

Crush. Kill. Destroy.

Mind seems to be on a holiday or maybe I'm just tired.

Guessing on the last one.

Going to bed. Bed good.

Need sex, food and sleep.

Might want to throw in some money as well.


0:13

Heading for a better tomorrow.


 
mat_j Posted: Tue Oct 7 19:45:22 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hypocrite said:
>mat_j said:
>>My shoulder is throbbing, it shouldn't be but i had a fever last night. In my infinate wisdom i wrapped myself in a blanket and lay on the sofa.
>
>
>Oh, Awesome post mat_J...this one was really fucking fantastic.

Why thankyou Hypocrite and thank you for this thread.



 
sweet p Posted: Wed Oct 8 03:01:00 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  We bought her a pepper plant, we hoped that she would love it and I think inside she cried and I wish that she hadn't. I don't know what it is but there is something inside her head that eats her up and bites thoughts up and pretends that what she is feeling is real. Or maybe I am just making things up again...and I'm the one who is seeing things that aren't real. But I can no longer tell the difference and I think that maybe this time it's true. Maybe she is me and me is she but then she is she. That's all. Maybe there is only one of us and I don't understand at all.


 
baristapro Posted: Wed Oct 8 18:33:21 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  In this room without windows I look out onto a homeless street from this position on my tattered beanbag chair and think and stop-

wondering how I could have been so hurtfull to turn him away at my door when all he needed was a glass of water and a flask of something warm to chase away the winter memories which were coming back fast the way that inspiration does and I watched as the garbage men chased him away from his feast a meal for a king the king of the alley the kind of man who would wear tattered rags and beg at street corners so that he could get his fix

And really, that's all he had to live for anymore when ownership and objects became obsolete when material possesions ceased to exist the only thing that mattered was enough money for a smoke and a toke and possibly a bottle wrapped in a paper bag so that the PoPo wouldnt take away his only hope his only reason for living

This doesnt matter to you, nor will it matter to you because you can't walk a mile in the shoes of a man who doesnt own any shoes but only plastic bags around his feet so that maybe-maybe they won't get frost bitten this time around when he is sleeping on a park bench chasing away his thoughts of his mother and father and maybe even Christmases that meant something to him once



 
baristapro Posted: Wed Oct 8 18:34:40 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Sweet P said:
>We bought her a pepper plant, we hoped that she would love it and I think inside she cried and I wish that...

Wow, I really like this one. Don't know why. It made me sad and nostalgic at the same time.


 
sweet p Posted: Wed Oct 8 20:42:28 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hypocrite said:
>Sweet P said:
>>We bought her a pepper plant, we hoped that she would love it and I think inside she cried and I wish that...
>
>Wow, I really like this one. Don't know why. It made me sad and nostalgic at the same time.

Thank you!
I was feeling sad when I wrote it.

But everyone is making me feel very happy today...


 
FN Posted: Thu Oct 9 15:44:20 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Thursday 9th of october 2003

0:37


Has been a while. Still got some homework to do but that can wait.

Had a little arguement with my gf because she couldn't stand some of the attention I got from other girls, I said she didn't have to overreact, things escalated, shit happens.

I miss her. Seeing her again tomorrow to clear things out.

It sucks to have to fight over a phone or through sms/msn.

I'm the flirty kind of guy and some of the girls I know are that way as well but I don't mean anything by it, but I can undderstand why she's upst by some of the stuff.

Getting our report cards tommorrow. Think it'll be good. Starting to hate school again. Useless 'knowledge'.

Got an sms from her. Going to check it first...

Back. She's upset. I'm acting like I'm pissed off too but I just want to hold her. My pride is preventing me from giving in though.

Wonder if I have to do any tests tomorrow. Have to write an essay and a summary of a text, don't remember what the other stuff was.

Went looking for a ring with her on wednesday. Her birthday is in a few days and I know she really wants a ring to show off lol.

Costs a whole fucking lot of money, but I'd rather give it to her than to somebody else. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs (unlike most of my male friends who do one of those or all) so that saves me a lot of money so I can spare it. For her at least.

Another sms...

She's crying.

I hate myself for making her cry. On the other hand I don't want to give her the impression that she can just say/do whatever she wants without me reacting to it.

It's hard to keep the balance right.

I have to see her. Now.

Guess a phonecall will have to do for now.


21:47


Untill we meet again.


 
iggy Posted: Fri Oct 10 22:32:17 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>Thursday 9th of october 2003
>
>0:37
>
>
>Has been a while. Still got some homework to do but that can wait.
>
>Had a little arguement with my gf because she couldn't stand some of the attention I got from other girls, I said she didn't have to overreact, things escalated, shit happens.
>
>I miss her. Seeing her again tomorrow to clear things out.
>
>It sucks to have to fight over a phone or through sms/msn.
>
>I'm the flirty kind of guy and some of the girls I know are that way as well but I don't mean anything by it, but I can undderstand why she's upst by some of the stuff.
>
>Getting our report cards tommorrow. Think it'll be good. Starting to hate school again. Useless 'knowledge'.
>
>Got an sms from her. Going to check it first...
>
>Back. She's upset. I'm acting like I'm pissed off too but I just want to hold her. My pride is preventing me from giving in though.
>
>Wonder if I have to do any tests tomorrow. Have to write an essay and a summary of a text, don't remember what the other stuff was.
>
>Went looking for a ring with her on wednesday. Her birthday is in a few days and I know she really wants a ring to show off lol.
>
>Costs a whole fucking lot of money, but I'd rather give it to her than to somebody else. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs (unlike most of my male friends who do one of those or all) so that saves me a lot of money so I can spare it. For her at least.
>
>Another sms...
>
>She's crying.
>
>I hate myself for making her cry. On the other hand I don't want to give her the impression that she can just say/do whatever she wants without me reacting to it.
>
>It's hard to keep the balance right.
>
>I have to see her. Now.
>
>Guess a phonecall will have to do for now.
>
>
>21:47
>
>
>Untill we meet again.

good luck :)

hope things will be alright between u and tina


 
iggy Posted: Fri Oct 10 22:38:24 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  11102003

another year has passed. 364 days has passed before i put another digit to my age. it's funny how fast time really flies?

i used to love the twelve of october. celebrations, good times, and lots of fun. but the joy is gone. another year. what have i really done to fill up the 365 days?

normally i would be calling people to invite them for a mass beer chugging and all u can eat fest.

not anymore. all i want is to spend it with close friends and mo. quietly.

no singing the dreaded song. no champange. i just would like to spend it with people that means something to me rather than free loaders that expect u to call them so that they can get free food and drinks on your parade.

maybe dinner with my parent the day after.

sigh. another digit to my age. my youth is slipping away.


 
baristapro Posted: Fri Oct 10 23:25:00 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Some girls came in to buy tea and sip on lattes and I talked to them for a while sharing my knowledge with them as they inquired about my wares. I enjoyed this chatting as it made me feel like a real person again. I haven't felt that way in a really long time.

Lately, I have been inside of this tunnel, and people talk at me and I try to respond casually but it always comes out forced. I am unreceptive and awkward in social situations where I cannot control the conversation and where people want all of my time devoted only to them. I don't like this.

So another day passes. A friend of mine gave me a shoulder rub last night, and stuck his tongue in my ear meaning to seduce me, but I giggled and pulled away. No insult intended, I just didn't know how to react. It made me feel cheap and disposable, and I realized that that is exactly what I have become.

My body is a temple, where you can worship or use for a night's rest. I didn't intend to be like that, really.

I am so sorry Mom. I am so sorry Dad. I am sorry that I was not what you wanted me to be, and that you couldn't understand me because I painted and you watched TV. It wasn't always like this, was it? I remember being a good daughter- uncomplicated and uncomprimising- for at least some of my youth. And it was then that you all knew everything, and then I ate that fucking apple and opened my eyes and realized that I was naked. I am still naked and exposed and I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT.


 
momo Posted: Sat Oct 11 00:17:15 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hey hypocrite,

dun beat up yourself so bad. we NEVER turn out like what our parents expect of us. EVER. and if we ever have kids, chances are, the same thing will result.

i love the way you write. wish i could do the same.


 
antartica Posted: Sat Oct 11 00:46:43 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  chanz said:
>11102003
>
>another year has passed. 364 days has passed before i put another digit to my age. it's funny how fast time really flies?
>
>i used to love the twelve of october. celebrations, good times, and lots of fun. but the joy is gone. another year. what have i really done to fill up the 365 days?
>
>normally i would be calling people to invite them for a mass beer chugging and all u can eat fest.
>
>not anymore. all i want is to spend it with close friends and mo. quietly.
>
>no singing the dreaded song. no champange. i just would like to spend it with people that means something to me rather than free loaders that expect u to call them so that they can get free food and drinks on your parade.
>
>maybe dinner with my parent the day after.
>
>sigh. another digit to my age. my youth is slipping away.


MWA HWA HWA HA AAA!!!!




 
antartica Posted: Sat Oct 11 00:49:07 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hypocrite said:
>Some girls came in to buy tea and sip on lattes and I talked to them for a while sharing my knowledge with them as they inquired about my wares. I enjoyed this chatting as it made me feel like a real person again. I haven't felt that way in a really long time.
>
>Lately, I have been inside of this tunnel, and people talk at me and I try to respond casually but it always comes out forced. I am unreceptive and awkward in social situations where I cannot control the conversation and where people want all of my time devoted only to them. I don't like this.
>
>So another day passes. A friend of mine gave me a shoulder rub last night, and stuck his tongue in my ear meaning to seduce me, but I giggled and pulled away. No insult intended, I just didn't know how to react. It made me feel cheap and disposable, and I realized that that is exactly what I have become.
>
>My body is a temple, where you can worship or use for a night's rest. I didn't intend to be like that, really.
>
>I am so sorry Mom. I am so sorry Dad. I am sorry that I was not what you wanted me to be, and that you couldn't understand me because I painted and you watched TV. It wasn't always like this, was it? I remember being a good daughter- uncomplicated and uncomprimising- for at least some of my youth. And it was then that you all knew everything, and then I ate that fucking apple and opened my eyes and realized that I was naked. I am still naked and exposed and I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT.

take it easy girl.... recently i've become a beast and i'm not loving myself for it....

but WS did once say "there is no beast so fierce that knows some touch of pity, i know none, therefore am no beast"... now i'm wondering if that is true at all...


 
antartica Posted: Sat Oct 11 00:50:34 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hey Cris.... talk in subdued tones, sound sincere and be nice... cannot go wrong there... oh ya... try a touch of honesty as well.

but heck... gluck dude =)


 
FN Posted: Sat Oct 11 06:46:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Saturday the 11th of octobre

12:42


Everything's fine again. I knew it would be.

Have been thinking about that ring. Decided not to give her now. Why?

Because I don't think it's something I should give her because of a birthday, but as a token of our relationship.

Remember that winnie the pooh bear I bought her? Well, it should have been the other way around, the ring for 6 months and the bear for her birthday.

So I have decided to give her the ring for when we're 10 months together, which isn't too long anymore since I know she had her mind set to it, but like I said, I want her to remember the time she had with me when she looks at that ring, not her birthday.

I wonder if I'm making any sense.

Have been writing a new poem this night.

Came back from my friend's place around 3 in the morning but wasn't tired yet.

One of my best female friends has told me some stuff that has really disturbed me.

She has this ass of a boyfriend and deserves so much better. It's like the opposite of who she should be together with.

I don't understand how it's possible that beautiful, smart, funny girls like that aim so low. I'm not saying that because she's my friend, but it's the truth. She's everything a guy could ever want. She's loyal to her boyfriend yet they always manage to cheat on her. She allows him every bit of freedom imaginable, yet she "can't" do anything.

Add to that that he drinks during the weekends.

I mean come on, she's 17, goes to school, works during the week-end, and on top of that she does all of the housework as well at his place and some of the work at her parent's place.


The injustice of it just pisses me off so bad.

Decided not to tell her to leave the guy though. It's a decision she'll have to make for herself.


But if he ever hits her during one of his drunken nights I'll fucking kill him.


 
addi Posted: Sat Oct 11 08:30:29 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hypocrite said:
And it was then that you all knew everything, and then I ate that fucking apple and opened my eyes and realized that I was naked. I am still naked and exposed and I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT.

The heavy price of opening your eyes. It can tear your soul. For some the wound never completely heals, but as time goes by they learn to function with it. Little consolation maybe, but at least your eyes opened. A painful, but necessary step in life. Some never taste the apple and remain with eyes wide shut the rest of their lives.


 
addi Posted: Sat Oct 11 08:50:05 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  chanz said:

>
>sigh. another digit to my age. my youth is slipping away.

H***Y B******Y, chanz. I guess I can sympathise with you on this one. I've had that funeral dirge sung to me for close to half a century now.
I do miss certain aspects of my youth. but now that I'm on the other side of the door I can tell you that there are a lot of great things you can still look forward to that come with walking on this planet longer. It's not all gloom and doom. One thing that I do appreciate now is that my emotions aren't on such a wild roller coaster. In general there's a more sublime peaceful quality to living, and a greater appreciation for what I do have. I don't miss the emotional trauma that I used to go through in my teens and twenties. I dun know, maybe that's not much comfort to you. just trying to get you to see the wine glass as half full, instead of half empty.


 
baristapro Posted: Sun Oct 12 11:13:39 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The lights the sound the dim movement of my own body compared to the force of both and I am swept away by whiskey sours and Delerium screaming next to me through a vibrating speaker. A very beautiful and talented dancer complimented me on my movement and I was embarrassed because my dancing is just bouncing not anything fancy.

An old man just walked by. We have talked a few times at the coffee shop downtown before. He is tall and lanky and smokes like a chimney and told me that he used to be schizophrenic and had me panicked that I may also be that way. But I am not. The voices don't talk to me and I do not have episodes of extreme dillusions. But I do. Just not in the clinical way that is required for the doctor to sign the charts and give you pills. Little deadly skittles.

I am hung over today but still have to work. Work? HA! I don't work here. I sit on the computer and listen to my music and wait for customers to come in to buy things. Come! Consume! Carpe Diem! You can't take your money with you remember, so you might as well purchase things now while you still can. Psst- You can't take them with you either. Just a little tip for you. Now where is my tip? My jar is empty waiting for your wisdom and your pocket lint to fall into place.

Change? Oh pity me! What sweet sorrow is this? You mean I am different then I was a year ago? Did you think that I would be the same forever? No no no...Uneffected, untouched by the outside world. Uninfluenced too I suppose. And tell me that you are the same? Haha...Oh, the laughter of derision. I have taken off the training wheels and have let myself ride off into the sunset, only to let it come back on the other side, refreshed, rejuvinated, recreated, remodled and still a shining beauty.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. What? Break that down even further because there are an infinite number of 'todays' and every one of them is the first until the day that you die. So this is the first hour of the rest of my life. The first minute, the first second, the first milisecond and so on and so forth. You can break down every moment in life to the size of an atom on a grain of salt.

LIVE! Please, for the sake of whatever you believe in, live. You are given this life for whatever reason. It doesnt have to be explained. There are no answers, only speculations, and too many questions to theorize them all. So why am I here? Who cares. I am here. That is all that really matters. I will be here until I am no longer (whats the word whats the word...FILL IN THE BLANK) and I will not waste a moment any more. I urge you all to take a good hard look in the mirror and know that you are beautiful. It isn't the dance, it's the dancer. It's okay to cry-there there, I cried too. It's intense. It's a realization only few will ever truly come to, and it isn't narcissistic, it's the opposite of self depreciation. And it is okay.

(Sorry...Just got off on a tangent. Again.)





 
baristapro Posted: Sun Oct 12 11:32:20 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  momo said:
>hey hypocrite,
>
>dun beat up yourself so bad. we NEVER turn out like what our parents expect of us. EVER. and if we ever have kids, chances are, the same thing will result.
>
>i love the way you write. wish i could do the same.

Thankee.
It was just one of those moments, and I know that no one really turns out according to plan (logically, of course) but at the same time, I miss my parents. And then my brain goes in a mullion directions. Meh.




 
sweet p Posted: Sun Oct 12 15:33:39 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I woke up in my bed but it smelt different...it felt different. I feel like I have been replaced with a person I don't understand and cannot control. Nothing I wanted to accomplish today has happened and everything I have done I can't stand. Why can't I move? Why is it so quiet today? Where have they all gone...those people I once depended on. I open my eyes and I see black. I close my eyes and I see white.

Where is everyone?
Where did I disappear to this time?



 
sweet p Posted: Sun Oct 12 15:34:06 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  You really do have a beautiful way of writing Hypocrite.

And your new picture is really awesome. I have been trying to learn how to use Illustrator and Photoshop did you make your picture yourself?


 
baristapro Posted: Mon Oct 13 00:49:14 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Sweet P said:
>You really do have a beautiful way of writing Hypocrite.
>
>And your new picture is really awesome. I have been trying to learn how to use Illustrator and Photoshop did you make your picture yourself?

Thank You very muchly. I hope that people actually read what I write, but I doubt many do.

As for the pic, yes. Photoshop does wonders. I have no clue how to use Illustrator, but photoshop is really easy once you get the basics down. I was in Ad Design for a year, and it really taught me alot.


 
iggy Posted: Fri Oct 17 00:39:23 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i have a question to ask a lot of people if i had a day to live.

"why me?"

all these years, that's all i wanted to ask my friends. that's all a simple two words question that nobody can ever give a simple answer to.

i was sending my friend to the airport the other day and i asked him that and he couldn't produce an answer. all he could say," yeah why you?"

why can't i drive a fancy car?
why can't i have a nice job?
why can't i be dating someone who's as pretty as she is nice?
why can't i go overseas to pursue an education?
why can't i .....?

the rest can do whatever they damn well please, can screw up however badly but their actions are condoned?

and yet everything (or most of) whatever i do seems to be critised all the time? they can't justify it and yet they still voice it?

i'm not good enough to deserve all this? or i don't work hard enough?

it frustrates me that i get all these flak all the time. i've done my best to help everyone, and yet they still pull this kind of stunt on me.

fuck them. fuck them all. they can all burn in hell for what i care.
they probably are now.

bloody slowly cutting off contact with the assholes.

some of my mates know this. and are aware of it, but when on a one-to-one basis, they give me respect... but i don't see them giving me that in public.
neither do i see anyone that tried to speak up for me once in a while.

spoil the antagonist, crucify the bystander?

fuck all that bullshit. i'd enough. one day i'm gonna blow up and i'd swear i will throw everything in their faces in a group one by one. they haven't seen my anger and blind rage before and i swear they will soon


 
baristapro Posted: Sun Oct 19 09:56:10 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The world isn't worth is Chanz. Relax buddy, you should come smoke a bowl with me. :)


 
son-perdition Posted: Mon Apr 16 20:32:28 2007 Post | Quote in Reply  
  no 666 is the cross as explained here http://jesus-survival.com/Revelation-13-Interpreted-beast-666.htm


 
choke Posted: Mon Apr 16 20:56:44 2007 Post | Quote in Reply  
  This guy is starting to get on my nerves. But I love the idea of this thread. Very much.


 
choke Posted: Mon Apr 16 21:20:01 2007 Post | Quote in Reply  
  So much so that after much deliberation I have noticed it is 1.14 and 5 minutes from now will be 1.19.

I guess I'll talk about people because they are the ones most likely to make me feel something.
About one person who said he was anti commitment and I said you can't get more anti commitment than me and we laughed but it wasn't really all that funny.

Because I'm growing up fast and so many seem determined to stay where they were. To roll and flop about their lives and dream of the future where everything is perfect and clean and somehow not feasible. To pass up the now to preserve their grey slate.

And my now feels okay, but that's only because I'm past the regular overload which is so devstatingly inconveniant but in reality what can you do but take more medication?

And what will it do to you? And what will you do without it? And who are you really and if you hadnt had this influence who could you have been?


 
addi Posted: Mon Apr 16 22:12:53 2007 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>This guy is starting to get on my nerves.


I'm thinking this is one of those spam-bots that crim mentioned now after seeing all the responses, tiff.
So my post chastizing him is probably falling on silicon ears


 



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