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No more mister nice guy
Mesh Posted: Wed Oct 15 17:27:15 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE


It’s the year 2003; the time has come to stop being a whiney little dork and start being a tenacious asshole. Being “nice” won’t cut it anymore. These are violent times we live in; nice people are being killed all the time. Plus chicks only want to be “friends” with nice guys. A “friend” to a girl is someone who has flaws that makes sleeping with them undesirable. If you keep finding that girls only want to be your “friend” it’s because you are nice which means that you fucking suck. Sorry.

FICTION: Girls are looking for nice guys to marry and have kids with.
FACT: Girls think nice guys are stupid little bitches.

Anyway, back to the death thing. Nine times out ten, when someone dies, they were nice. How many times have you been to a funeral where everyone said that the dude was an asshole? None. By being an asshole you make yourself virtually invincible to accidental death.

FACT: Everyone who was hit by a train or bus in 2002 was nice.
FACT: Nice people are 100 times more likely to be killed by badgers.




Another benefit of being an asshole is that much more stuff is funny and will make you laugh. When you are amused you are happy. A nice person would never think someone getting hurt was funny. Assholes find things like this terribly funny. When you are an asshole something as simple as someone bumping their elbow on a table will send you into hysterics. When you are nice it takes much more to amuse you. In addition to people getting hurt, fat people are funny to assholes. A puffy 8-year-old boy with a girly voice would make any asshole chuckle.

FICTION: When people get hurt it is sad.
FACT: When people slip and fall it is funny.
FICTION: Fat people are that way because of genetics.
FACT: Fat people are funny.




Now that you are convinced that you should become an asshole you are probably wondering how it’s done. I’m not going to lie to you, nothing is easy. There are things that you must do in order to gain the title “asshole”. Like being a Jedi Knight, there are rules that you must abide by for the rest of your life.

Your mother is a whore
One thing assholes always do is make fun of people. First and foremost are moms. Even if you know a guy’s mom is dead or in the hospital you must still make fun of her. Making fun of moms is funny because moms are mostly nice; consequently nice people deserve to be made fun of. Going with this theme, you should call every girl you know “Stinky”, “Slut”, “Whore”, “Hooker” or “Prostitute”. Constantly tell her she is fat and ugly. Once she starts crying you must swoop in and say you didn’t really mean it. Then touch her boobs and have sex with her. Then kick her out of bed. Then you should probably call her names again.

FICTION: Innocent moms should be left alone.
FACT: There are ten people making fun of your mom right now.




FACT: Your odds of sleeping with a chick are inversely proportional to her self-esteem.
FICTION: Girls like to be complimented.



Friends are here for your amusement
Assholes like to give demeaning nicknames to everyone they know. There are many kinds of demeaning nicknames; the first is directly insulting like “Penis Wrinkle”. Subtler but still demeaning would be a nickname that describes someone’s appearance or features, this might include “Blonde Girl” or “Stinky Blake”. Eventually your friends will endear their new nicknames. That’s phase one.

Phase two is physical comedy. Push your friends into walls, trip them or shock them with stun guns, also get things hot and burn them. Head injuries are funny because usually your friend won’t remember and will therefore fall for the same trick again and again. You can set up a bucket of bricks to fall on your friend’s head when he goes into his house about seven times before he is damaged permanently. The unfortunate part of this is that the eighth time is often the funniest one. Don't forget the classic ballcheck.

FICTION: Friends are priceless treasures.
FACT: Thomas Jefferson bought and sold people.
FACT: Friends aren’t really friends unless they look the other way when you abuse them.





Annoyingly gross or grossly annoying?
Assholes are constantly annoying but also gross. What this means is that you have to give wet willies, this is annoying and gross, plus wet. Bonus points if you get two ears on the same person at once. Another annoying gross thing you can do is pin a girl down and pick yours or her nose and then put your fingers in her mouth. In keeping with the gross theme you need to burp and fart all the time. It also helps if you blame it on the nearest girl. Also gross and socially frowned upon is talking about jacking off. Go into detail, like which hand you use and how long you can go and what porn sites you visit. Talk about what the other hand is doing, like rubbing your balls or something. Don’t forget about poop. Talk about how many times you shit a day, or what it’s like after you eat certain foods. Describe color, smell and sound.










Less gross but still highly annoying is pretending you are a professional commentator. Whenever you are watching a movie, game or TV show with your friends you must make STUPID SMARTASS comments the ENTIRE time. No matter how stupid your comments are, how loud you say them or how many times your friends tell you to shut up, you should keep doing it. Everyone hates a smartass. Practice being a smartass. Come up with scenarios in your head and then your witty retort. After awhile you find that you have a comment for any situation.

FICTION: If nobody thinks you are funny then you aren’t.
FACT: Stuff that is funny to you is funny to everyone even if they don’t know it.

Hate stuff
Assholes hate a lot of things, especially things other people find to be “cute”. You need to hate animals. The cuter the animal the more you must hate it. Talk about “shooting bunnies with crossbows”. Exceptions to this rule are animals that are mean and kill people such as sharks and rhinos. Children are another thing to hate. Talk about how much children drive you crazy and how you will never have any. You should randomly hate things too. Like if there is a pretty sunset you should blurt out, “I hate sunsets.” Or if you see a yellow car you should say, “I hate yellow cars.”

FICTION: Kittens and bunnies are cute.
FACT: Bunnies fuck all the time and have baby bunnies that in turn fuck; this has ruined the ecology of entire nations such as Australia. Bunnies should be shot.





You want fries with that?
Assholes like many different foods, especially spicy food and food that can be eaten by hand. Assholes can consume about forty pounds of spicy Buffalo Wings an hour. Being deep-fried is also a plus, if it’s just greasy, that is ok too. Another trait of assholes is ordering their meat as close to raw as possible. This dates back to cavemen like Fred Flintstone who beat his wife and ate raw brontosaurus burgers. Assholes do not eat fruit, vegetables or sweets like cake and candy. Food isn’t the only thing that concerns assholes. What they drink is also very important. Assholes don’t drink stupid gay drinks like hot tea or Fresca. Assholes almost always drink Mountain Dew, black coffee or some kind of beer, probably cheap beer.

FICTION: Fatty foods will kill you.
FACT: Fatty foods will help you kill others.





Conclusion
That about wraps it up. Once you start doing all that you will be an asshole. No longer will you be taken advantage of, killed or shuffled off into the “friend category”. You can hold your head up high knowing how stupid everyone else is and how bad they suck compared to you. Not only that, you won’t be afraid to let them know what dipshits they all are.



 
Mesh Posted: Wed Oct 15 17:39:14 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Yes, i do to live by this code of assholeness like a religion, you bunch of bitches.


 
libra Posted: Wed Oct 15 20:24:55 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hehehe...thats not true though about girls...yea, nice guys are usually friends with girls instead of sleeping with them, but eventually, the girl realizes that the assholes aren't good for her, and she marries her best friend.


 
ifihadahif Posted: Wed Oct 15 22:04:27 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
>hehehe...thats not true though about girls...yea, nice guys are usually friends with girls instead of sleeping with them, but eventually, the girl realizes that the assholes aren't good for her, and she marries her best friend.

maybe ... but only after marrying the wrong guy first and having a couple of kids while living in a trailer park, learning to cook tv dinners while dear ole hubby sits on the stained sofa in his underwear drinking beer and watching wrestling.


 
Mesh Posted: Wed Oct 15 22:20:02 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
 
>maybe ... but only after marrying the wrong guy first and having a couple of kids while living in a trailer park, learning to cook tv dinners while dear ole hubby sits on the stained sofa in his underwear drinking beer and watching wrestling.



and ocasionlay beating her, and molesting the kids, and making methamphetamines rite there in the kitchen


 
marsteller Posted: Wed Oct 15 23:15:40 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  shit man....i had no idea i was such an asshole


 
addi Posted: Thu Oct 16 07:19:02 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  And all the Ladies sang...

What the world needs now
Are Assholes, sweet Assholes
That's the only thing that
There's just too little of
What the world needs now are
Assholes, sweet Assholes
That's the only thing that
There's just too little of


Lord, we don't need another nice guy,
All those sweet men and kind men they turn me off,
There are short geeks and tall wimps that make me puke,
Please go away 'til the end of time.

What the world needs now are
Assholes, sweet Assholes...


 
ifihadahif Posted: Thu Oct 16 07:49:34 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  meshuggah said:
>
>>maybe ... but only after marrying the wrong guy first and having a couple of kids while living in a trailer park, learning to cook tv dinners while dear ole hubby sits on the stained sofa in his underwear drinking beer and watching wrestling.
>
>
>
>and ocasionlay beating her, and molesting the kids, and making methamphetamines rite there in the kitchen

yep and the family car is up on blocks in the front yard next to their overflowing garbage cans.


 
marsteller Posted: Thu Oct 16 20:24:02 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Folks, Id like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you
About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests
About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts
Maybe below the cockles,
Maybe in the sub cockle area,
Maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys,
Maybe even in the colon, we dont know

Im just a regular Joe, with a regular job
Im your average white, suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just aint enough to keep a man like me interested
(oh no, no way, uh uh)
No I gotta go out and have fun at someone elses expense
(woah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah)
I drive really slow in the ultra fast lane
While people behind me are going insane

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summer time saying "how about this heat?"

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldnt be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe theyre right when they tell me Im wrong
Nah

Im an asshole (hes an asshole,what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

You know what Im gonna do
Im gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible
Hot pink, with whale skin hubcaps
And all leather cow interior
And make brown baby seal eyes for head lights (yeah)
And Im gonna drive in that baby at 115 miles per hour
Gettin' 1 mile per gallon,
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds
In the old fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers
And when Im done sucking down those greeseball burgers
Im gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then Im gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side
And there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it
You know why, because weve got the bombs, thats why
2 words, nuclear fucking weapons, OK?
Russia, Germany, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cakewalk
Right through the middle of Tiananmen Square
and it wont make a lick of difference
Because weve got the bombs, OK?
John Wayne's not dead, hes frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer
Were gonna thaw out the duke and hes gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why,
Have you ever taken a cold shower, well multiply that by 15 million times
Thats how pissed off the dukes gonna be!
I'm gonna get the Duke, and John Cassavetes,
and Lee Marvin, and Sam Peckinpah, and a case of whiskey,
and drive down to Texas and say.....

(Hey! You know, you really are an asshole!)
Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?
Im an asshole (hes an asshole.what an asshole)
Im an asshole (hes the worlds biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E
Everybody
A-S-S-H-O-L-E

Im an asshole and Im proud of it



--Denis Leary


 
baristapro Posted: Sun Oct 19 09:41:59 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I used to listen to this song everyday before school. It made me feel much better to go into the world. My favorite lines are definetly "Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces". It touches me right here. No, not there. A little to the left. Yeah, that's it...




 
socialyD Posted: Mon Oct 20 17:12:46 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  As a response to the information concerning girls and their best friend...

Friendship can turn into love where as love cannot disolve into friendship. I know there are exception to every rule, but in my own life I find none. Every realtionship that has disolved to the 'I still want to be friends' stage has become nothing more than the occasional uncomfortable moment in socail gatherings where we still lay claim to mutaul friends. The extent of conversation is nothing more than customary and is usualy spent searching for a quick escape. I no longer know these one time lovers and nor do I care to revisist the past with them, we both find our selves questioning the logic of our one time partnership and thanking the stars that it didn't work out.

However, the best boyfriend I ever had was my high school best friend. Our friendship prior to our realtionship made our realtionship so easy. We knew each other and the usual relationship deliemas (things like where to go on dates, what to give as gift, and getting to know each others family) had been solved long ago in our friendship. Our heart to heart talks in our friendship allowed us to understand the others feelings and wants in a relatioinship, we knew where to expect trouble and how to avoid it. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. Since then I have never underestimated the power of friendship to create love.

The inevitable question follows why I am I not summing up with a happy ending about us being together forever. My boyfriend of two years was killed by a would be theif at his place of employment two years ago. I have never found anyone to fill the void he has left in my because I didn't just loose a boyfriend I lost my best friend.


 



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