|GT interactive movies
||Posted: Tue Nov 11 23:40:46 2003
Quote in Reply
||found a site where u input data and it churns out a movie script
here's GT slasher flick
The camera shows us a loud party, packed with people listening to loud music. Gradually the camera moves towards a heavy wooden door. Behind the door moaning sounds can be heard. Slowly, the camera moves towards the keyhole, closer and closer until we can see exactly what is going on in the room - chanz is licking momo's eyes and she is moaning in pleasure...
momo: Oh I just love it when you lick me there!
chanz: Are you ready to go all the way?
momo: Well...I'm still not sure...
chanz: Come on, it'll be fun!
Suddenly, an ear-shattering scream comes from another part of the house and the music stops. momo leaps up from the bed.
momo: What was that!
chanz: Nothing baby, hey why don't you come back over here...
momo: No! I have to find out what happened.
momo pulls her clothes tightly around her and makes for the door. After a moment chanz follows.
A large group of people stand in a circle, staring down at the ground in a mixture of disgust and amazement. chanz and momo appear on the scene, hair ruffled, chanz still in the process of doing up the fly of his jeans.
chanz: What happened?
But a moment later is is startlingly clear what happened. sweet p lies on the ground, her dead eyes staring at the ceiling. In her hands is a bloody chopper that it is obvious was used to kill her.
momo: Oh my God who killed her?
antartica: Nobody knows! Everyone was dancing one minute and the next...
ifihadahif: Our studies have shown that whoever killed her would have to be standing in this room right now however...
chanz: Well it wasn't me! I was licking momo's eyes!
ifihadahif: Really? Lucky son of a bitch!
momo: You bastard! You told me that you wouldn't tell anyone!
chanz: Hey, sorry babe...
momo: Well you know what! You can shove your going all the way up your ass! I'm leaving!
The crowd of people ooh and ahh.
chanz: Don't worry. I know you'll be back momo, you can't live without me!
momo gives chanz the finger and storms off.
momo walks into the kitchen and heads towards the fridge, shaking her head in dismay. Out of the shadows christophe appears, holding a spade...
christophe: Hey momo why so glum?
momo: Oooh don't hide in the shadows like that, you'll give me a heart-attack!
momo: Oh that's okay, sorry to snap at you like that it's just that chanz and me are having problems...Err, christophe can I ask you something?
christophe: Go ahead.
momo: Why are you holding a spade?
christophe looks sheepish before yelling:
christophe: Take this infernal tart from Hell!
chanz: Not so fast!
christophe turns his head to see chanz standing in the doorway holding a chainsaw.
christophe: Ooh damn, I'm in trouble now aren't I?
momo: I'll say!
ifihadahif: Ooh, an old fashioned showdown!
Everyone turns to see ifihadahif standing in the doorway holding a shotgun.
ifihadahif: Turns out I'm the only one with a shotgun though doesn't it? Hmm...which side should I be on? Good or evil, good or evil, good or...
Suddenly momo swings open the fridge door and pulls out a cake, swinging it hard against christophe's head. He crumples to the ground.
momo: Take that you piece of shit!
chanz: The old hit the bad-guy in the head with a cake trick hey! Impressive.
chanz: Oh yeah.
ifihadahif: Ahem. Excuse me but I'm trying to be evil over here.
momo: ifihadahif put the shotgun down or else I will personally remove your heart...
ifihadahif: With a cake?
In the moment that it takes for ifihadahif to decide whether or not that is impossible, chanz spins on a heel and snatches the shotgun away from him.
ifihadahif: No! You can't do that! That's cheating!
chanz assaults ifihadahif with the shotgun until there is nothing but a bloody corpse left.
momo: Should we take out his heart?
chanz: Hmm, I don't know about that, but I sure would like another chance to lick your eyes...
momo: You know what? I think I like the sound of that...
And they all lived happily ever after. Well, sweet p, ifihadahif and christophe didn't. What with being dead and all. But that's just details.
||Posted: Tue Nov 11 23:45:27 2003
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||What follows is a true account of the horrors of war, although the names have been changed (by you). It tells the story of four brave heroes pitted against overwhelming odds. We respect the men and women who died to bring you this real life account of the terror that was...
The scene opens in a barracks, a line of men and women (this is an alternative 'Nam) standing in front of their bunks. Drill sergeant Meshuggah paces up and down the line before stopping in front of Addison...
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: Put your head up! Suck in that gut!
Addison: Sir, yes Sir!
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: What's your name maggot!?
Addison: Sir, Addison Sir!
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: Addison? That's a pussy name! We'll call you sheepfucker!
Addison: Sir, yes Sir!
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah leaves Addison and moves onto the next soldier.
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah stops in his tracks, turns and marches towards Addison.
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Addison: Sir, nothing Sir!
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: Well it didn't sound like nothing to me maggot! I have no time for jokers in my beloved core! Now, run into that toiletbowl sheepfucker!
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: Sir what?! This is not your mummy's little house on the prarie anymore! NOW RUN INTO THAT toiletbowl MAGGOT!
Addison runs into the toiletbowl as instructed and is knocked out.
Fade to black...
Addison is crouched behind a hut in the middle of the Vietnam jungle, most of their platoon has been wiped out. Only Addison, Libra and Mat_J remain.
Mat_J: They're everwhere man! We're gonna' die man! They got the Sarge man! He's dead, everyone's dead!
Addison: Can that shit Mat_J! We're gonna' get out of this alive!
Libra: I'm scared Addison, hold me!
Addison: This is neither the time nor the place Libra. We have to find a way out of here!
Mat_J: But they're everwhere man! They've got traps, and they hide in the trees man! We're fucked man! We're gonna' die here I know it!
Addison: Right! That's it!
Addison gets to their feet and helps Libra up.
Addison: Are you coming Mat_J?
Mat_J: I want to wait here, wait for someone to come by!
Addison: If you stay here you're going to die! Just like Peters!
Addison points at a man impaled on some bamboo.
Mat_J: Oh God! I don't wanna' die out here man!
Addison: Then come on!
Our heroes start walking through the trees until they come across three dead bodies.
Mat_J: Oh God, no! That's 3 Balls! And there's Clown! Oh jees, and look, it's Buffalo!
Addison: Oh man...hey...what was that? Look! In the trees! CHARLIE!!!
Libra: Oh no! Addison, hold me!
Mat_J: I'm not dying like Peters! Come on you Motherfuckers! Die! Die! Die!
Mat_J starts to shoot madly in all directions and tiny asian people start to fall out of the trees. Addison joins in with the machinegunning. Libra starts to chase some sheeps.
BUDDADADDA BANG BANG PTEOWWWN DUDUDUDUDUD
Libra: Hello Mr sheep!
DUDUDUDUDU BRRBUDUDUDUDUD BANG BANG NABG FSSHHHHH BAANNNGGG
Addison: Damn, I'm out of ammo!
Mat_J: Me too!
Libra: Oh no! I forgot my gun!
Mat_J: Oh great man! That's just fucking great! There's more of them man! They're gonna' kill us man! Oh god! We're all gonna' die down here!
Suddenly there is a familiar voice.
Familiar Voice: Not if I can help it!
The three turn to see Drill Sergeant Meshuggah.
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: Yes that's right, it's me!
Addison: But how did you get here? You're a Drill Sergeant.
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: That's irrelevant. Here, I brought you more ammunition!
Libra runs and hugs Drill Sergeant Meshuggah.
Libra: Oh thank you! Thank you so much! I was so scared!
Drill Sergeant Meshuggah: Come on! The helicopter is this way!
They start towards the helicopter, all except Mat_J who is staring at the trees.
Addison: Mat_J? Come on...
Mat_J: No, it finally makes sense now. I belong here, I need to rediscover myself in this harsh jungle. I've got nothing back home. Nothing to go home to, this here, this is my real home.
Addison: But what about your partner and kids?
Mat_J: Tell them I died saving you Addison.
Addison: Okay Mat_J. Oh and Mat_J...
Addison: You were the best soldier I ever worked with, and, and...
Tears start to swell in Addison's eyes.
Addison: ...And you were my best friend too!
Mat_J: Take care Addison!
Our heroes finally get to the helicopter, climb on in and fly away into the sunset.
Whatever happened to Mat_J we will never know...
||Posted: Tue Nov 11 23:54:02 2003
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By Schnitzel von Driht
Ifihadahif opens the door to the studio, rushing in hoping that nobody will notice the time.
Antartica: You're late.
Ifihadahif: Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.
Antartica: It's okay, we were just talking about some small modifications to the new movie.
Ifihadahif: Oh yeah?
Hypocrite: Go get changed into your...uh...uniform and we'll get rolling.
Sheep: And hurry up. I'm not getting any warmer here.
Ifihadahif rushes off to the dressing room and puts on the new 'uniform'. On the way back, the uniform gets caught on a Frying Pan. Ifihadahif catches it and stuffs it into the uniforms pocket. This Frying Pan might come in handy. When Ifihadahif returns he sees Sheep layed out on the Plate. Ifihadahif quickly jumps onto the Plate and gets to work.
Antartica: Okay...Start shooting Hypocrite.
Sheep: Oh Jennifer Aniston you're so...shapely and...oh...
Ifihadahif: Oh, Sheep you just turn me on baby.
Sheep: It's always been my ultimate fantasy to see your BIG BOOBIES...
Ifihadahif: You're going to see more than my BIG BOOBIES Sheep...
Ifihadahif reveals the BIG BOOBIES on his Jennifer Aniston costume and Sheep moans with ecstacy. It doesn't take long for the action to go from 'steamy to 'incredibly-mind-blowing-oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-explode'.
Sheep: aeiouaoeie! Ohh! aeiouaoeie!
Ifihadahif: Oh my Jebus!
Sheep: aeiouaoeie! Oh, America, land of the free!
Ifihadahif: What the?
Ifihadahif keeps up the work on Sheep, then sees a Banana next to the Plate. Ifihadahif grabs it with both hands and grins at Sheep.
Sheep: Holy shit! That's the biggest Banana I've seen in my life!
Ifihadahif: You ain't seen nothing yet.
Ifihadahif uses the Banana on Sheep.
Sheep: Christophe! Christophe! aeiouaoeie!
Ifihadahif: Oh my god, I can't believe that.
Sheep: Oh Ifihadahif!
Ifihadahif: Oh Sheep!
Sheep: Ohhhh Ifihadahif!
Ifihadahif: Oh Sheep!
Sheep: Ohhhhhhhhhh Ifihadahif!
Ifihadahif: Oh for fucks sake Sheep.
Sheep: Sorry Ifihadahif, but it's just you remind me so much of a Oranges, I could just eat you.
Ifihadahif: Oh and I'd let you eat me. I love it when you call me a Oranges.
Sheep: Oh Ifihadahif, you're the juiciest Oranges I've ever seen.
Ifihadahif: Ohhhhh Sheep.
Ifihadahif suddenly remembers the Frying Pan from earlier and pulls it out from his Jennifer Aniston costume. Ifihadahif uses the Frying Pan on Sheep in the most flexible way possible.
Sheep: Oh my god where did that Frying Pan come from?
Ifihadahif: Jennifer Aniston is full of surprises.
With that Ifihadahif falls off the Plate. Unknown to Ifihadahif a Chicken jumps up onto the Plate.
Sheep: Oh Ifihadahif you dirty Oranges.
Ifihadahif: Oohhh Sheep...
Sheep: You dirty, DIRTY, skanky Oranges!
Ifihadahif: Ohh Sheep...Sheep?
Ifihadahif: I'm on the floor.
Sheep: What the?
Sheep looks up to see a Chicken on top. Sheep shrugs.
Sheep: Get over here Ifihadahif.
Ifihadahif: Jesus Christ...
Ifihadahif and the Chicken go to work on Sheep. A few minutes later...
Sheep: aeiouaoeie! Christophe! Christophe! Jebus! Anyone!
Hypocrite: That's a wrap.
Antartica: Fantastic, absolutely perfect, who would've thought...a Chicken!
Hypocrite: We're going to make millions.
Sheep: Ifihadahif I can't believe we had a threesome with a Chicken.
And that's a wrap. Go on. Go away. The Interactive Porn Story is over. OVER. Go away.
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 00:01:01 2003
Quote in Reply
||dun kill me guys haha i just pick a name at random with no idea where it goes ahhahaha
The Interactive Jerry Slinger Show
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Christophe is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Meshuggah. So everyone please put your hands together for Christophe!
Jerry: Okay, now Christophe you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Dancer, is actually here tonight...
The crowd SQUEALS once more.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Christophe, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Hypocrite!
You: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere you pull out a Dildo. Hypocrite reaches for the Sofa . Out of the shadows Sweet P appears.
Sweet P: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Hypocrite.
Hypocrite: Because I saw Christophe and Sweet P making out at GT!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Sweet P: That's a lie! I was home watching Chicks With Dicks that Does Animals vol.2!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Hypocrite?
Hypocrite: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Meshuggah who has recently become engaged to Sweet P.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Meshuggah out here because Christophe had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Dancer that's right!
Meshuggah: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Dancer! You know I'm how I feel about Dancer!.
Sweet P: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Dancer!
Meshuggah: Because I knew that I could never have Dancer. But Christophe promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Sweet P: What about respect for MY feelings!
Hypocrite walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Meshuggah.
Hypocrite: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Sweet P: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Sweet P runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly.
Sweet P: Christophe take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Sweet P: Married?
Sweet P: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Dancer.
Meshuggah: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Dancer: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 9 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Christophe is married to Dancer who Meshuggah has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Meshuggah has recently become engaged to Sweet P who was recently spotted kissing Christophe in the GT. Now on top of this Hypocrite has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Meshuggah.
Dancer: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 00:03:46 2003
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||Babes and Bastards - The Interactive Soap Opera
Welcome to the first ever (and probably the last ever) episode of the Internet's one and only Interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and the Bastards!!!
It was a cold night outside, the rain beating against the windows while you and Libra cuddled up against each other on the leather couch, moaning and breathing heavily enough to fog up the windows.
You: Oooh yeah I love you, oh yeah that's it, hold on I just need to take these off...
Libra: No! No...I can't.
You: Comeon babe, nobody will even know...
Libra: It's just...just that...I feel bad.
You: You're worried about Asswipe aren't you?
Libra: I'm not sure, I just...I just feel bad. We have been married for 3 years now, I keep thinking that just because Asswipe has a problem -
You: A problem? You realised this when? Everyone else has known that Asswipe has been addicted to Sheep for years!
Libra: I think that you should leave...
You: Okay, okay fine, I'm going, but don't come running back to me when you realise that you don't want to be with Asswipe anymore.
Meanwhile, across town in the Sheep rehabilitation clinic...
Addison: Okay Asswipe I think you're ready to face the outside world again.
Asswipe: Really? I'm...I'm cured?
Addison: Yes, just remember, that if you are ever in a position where you are tempted by Sheep just look the other way. Good luck.
Asswipe looks extremely happy with themselves and heads out of the clinic beaming. From the darkness appears MissZero carrying a bundle of cash.MissZero hands it over to Addison and they shake hands.
MissZero: Thankyou SO much, I am so greatful.
Addison: No, no, the pleasure is ALL mine trust me. Could I possibly ask why it is that you wanted me to rig Asswipe's recovery so soon?
MissZero looks uncomfortable and frowns.
MissZero: You'd probably just laugh, it's just that...well...since Asswipe has been in here Antartica and Libra have been getting really close...TOO close.
MissZero: Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm in love with Antartica.
Meanwhile, Chanz groans from a hospital bed across the other side of town. Chanz was rushed to hospital only minutes earlier.
Doctor: Chanz I'm sorry but the news isn't good...
Chanz: Just give it to me straight Doc. I can take it.
Doctor: You are suffering very badly from Erectial Dysfuntion. You probably have a few days to live at most.
Chanz: Oh no Doc! Oh no! What am I going to do?
Doctor: If there's any unfinished business that you have to attend to I recommend that you do it soon. Very soon.
Chanz: Thankyou Doctor, yes, I think that there is.
Chanz rises from the bed and makes for the door. Meanwhile, Addison sits poised over a table, in front of them sits a piece of paper on which is written Sheep and below it an image of what the word represents...
Addison: (cackling evilly) If this doesn't get Asswipe to snap then nothing will. All I need is for Asswipe to recieve this fax and then, driven to an insane rage by their addiction to take it out on Antartica...mwa-ha-ha.
Addison walks over to the fax machine and sends the page to Libra and Asswipe's house.
Meanwhile, you have just returned home to find MissZero waiting at your door.
You: Umm...hi...what can I do for you?
MissZero: I was wondering if we could talk...and maybe eat some Pepper Steak off each other...
You: I'm not so sure that that would be a good idea, you see I'm trying to -
MissZero: Asswipe was released from rehab today.
MissZero:Uh-huh...so you may as well give up on Libra...but I'm here so...
You: Eat Pepper Steak off each other did you say?
MissZero: Oh yeah.
You: Won't you come in?
Meanwhile, Chanz pulls into Libra's driveway and rushes to the door.
Chanz: Libra please come out, I really need to speak to you!
Libra: Chanz is that you? What are you doing here? It's...like 3 in the morning...
Chanz: I'm...I'm dying. I've been diagnosed with Erectial Dysfuntion.
Libra:Oh my God... Chanz I'm sorry...does Antartica know?
Chanz: No, I didn't have time, I had to come and see you to...well...
Chanz: I had to tell you that I'm in love with you, I know it didn't work out all those years ago and we had to keep the baby a secret...but now I'm sorry that we put it up for adoption, I'm sorry that I left you...I NEED you Libra.
Libra: Shh, we promised never to speak of that. You should probably go, get some sleep...
Meanwhile, Asswipe slides around the back of the house, believing that they have been cured of their addiction to Sheep, ready to surprise Libra. As Asswipe passes through the study they notice that a fax is coming through and stop to read it. At once, Asswipe's body contorts and begins to spasm...it is then that they hear the voices of Libra and Chanz talking at the front door. This sends Asswipe into a fit of jealous rage...
But before we look at what happens there let's come back to Addison who is sitting down watching some quality television.
Addison: Ahh that's good stuff...
There is a knock at the door.
Addison: Who is it?
Voice: Open up, it's the police!
Okay...well now that that is sorted out, let's head back over to your place where...well...
You: Oooh yeah, that's ooh yeah...
MissZero: Mmm, yeah, oh yeah, oh...oh God yes...
Hmm, yes well anyway...now back to Libra and Asswipe's house...
Chanz: Oof! Oh Jesus, don't hit me, no! Argh!
Asswipe: (In a flurry of punches and kicks) Take that! And that! And...THAT!
Libra: Asswipe what are you doing out of rehab! What's happening?
Asswipe: Oh, I'm sorry I got back early! I feel so bad for breaking up your sordid affair with Chanz here.
Libra: No! Please, Chanz's dying!
Asswipe: You got that right! Lousy piece of shit!
And that, is where we will leave the adventures of our heroes for tonight, but remember to tune in next week for more...no actually that was terrible there probably won't be anymore...of the Internet's one and only interactive Soap Opera...The Babes and Bastards!
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 02:39:58 2003
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||Space Trek - The Interactive Sci-Fi Show
The starship Enterprise travels soundlessly through space towards the planet UrAnus where they are to rendezvous with the alien race of AmISexOrWats. Suddenly...alarms begin to go off.
Antartica: Captain Ifihadahif! We are in big trouble! The evil leader of the AmISexOrWat have decided to attack us!
Ifihadahif: What? You mean...Christophe is attacking us?
Antartica: Yes! If we do not surrender Christophe is going to kidnap us and keep us as sex slaves to fulfil their freakish fetish for...
Ifihadahif: Oh no not...
Antartica: Yes. Christophe seeks to convert us to the side of evil to fulfil their feet fetish...
Ifihadahif: We must not tolerate this! Prepare the ship for battle!
Antartica bursts into action, flicking switch after switch, readying missiles to be fired at the ship of the evil Christophe. Within seconds it is ready.
Ifihadahif: Okay do we have our phaser-cannons ready?
Antartica: We most certainly do!
Ifihadahif: Then fire them you ass!
The cannons are fired at the enemy ship, explosions can be heard outside...
Ifihadahif: Do we have a hit? Do we? Do we?
Miss Chickie comes dashing into the bridge, wearing only a towel.
Miss Chickie: What the hell is happening here? I was taking a peaceful shower when...
The ship rocks violently to the side and the lights flicker. Miss Chickie flings themself into Ifihadahif's arms.
Miss Chickie: Hold me!
Antartica: We're all going to die!
Miss Chickie: We ARE?
Ifihadahif: No. No we're not...it's just that...
The ship rocks again, even more violently...and this time the lights switch off. Except for the glowing control panels there is no light.
Ifihadahif: Oh God help us! We're all going to die!
A voice suddenly booms out of the speakers...
Voice: We will only stop firing when you pledge your alliegence to the ungodly Christophe eater of feet and vow to fulfil their absolutely terrible feet fetish!
Miss Chickie: No! Oh God no I'd never pledge alliance to -
Antartica: Hold on a second did you say that Christophe has a feet fetish?
Antartica: That's amazing...really...because, well I'm a feet fetishist from way back! I just never told you before because...well I was nervous...
Miss Chickie and Ifihadahif stare at Antartica with absolute disgust.
Ifihadahif: Well...hey then. Why don't you just take Antartica and leave the rest of us here? Hey?
Voice: Well yes. Yes, I believe that I could do that...
There is a high pitched whistling noise and Antartica disintegrates into nothing as they are beamed aboard Christophe's ship for a lifetime of feet.
Ifihadahif: Ahem. Well then, now that all of that is sorted out I guess we should continue onto UrAnus.
The lights flicker back into life and everything begins to go back to normal...of course once you look past the missing crew member. As this happens Miss Chickie steps turns to look at Ifihadahif
Miss Chickie: I'd just like to tell you...
Miss Chickie: ...I think you're really brave.
Miss Chickie leans towards Ifihadahif and plants a kiss on their cheek. The Enterprise begins to pick up speed before shooting off into the darkness of space...waiting for their next adventure...
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 02:50:27 2003
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||Where Are They Now?
Welcome to another episode of 'Where Are They Now?', the show where we document the lives of those people in 80's sitcoms that no one remembers or cares about anymore! And now, would you welcome your host, Christophe!
Christophe walks onto a threadbare set with a wall covered with pictures of people you can never remember the name of and a desk, in what looks like a cheap Rent-A-Suit.
Christophe: Hello and welcome to 'Where Are They Now? - By Request!'. It seems a lot of people remember anuslicker, the youngest child from 'Chanz does Houston' but can't, for the life of them, name the person who played the ignorant little cretin! It surprises these same people that this person has lead such a turbulent life that landed him in many tabloids and papers. So come with us as we document the life of That's All of It!
Some cheesy music plays while the scene changes to a really poor quality home video of Chanz running around as a toddler.
Christophe: Chanz was born...sometime. I guess that's a lesson in keeping your birth certificate in a safe place.
Addison's voice takes over the commentary, playing over a video of Chanz eating what looks like a cat.
Addison: Chanz could be a handful at times, that's for sure. In fact, I remember a time... Well, several times to tell you the truth... Where I was almost eaten by the stupid little critter. But he was great, I'll always remember the time we spent together... Even if my therapy does eventually work properly.
Christophe: When Chanz reached the age of nine, an offer came in from Mat J Inc., a high-profile production studio in those days.
Mat J: We needed a person who we could pay next to nothing, because the other twelve cast members took so much. So I was driving along one day with the other writers and various other people now out-of-work, when someone said 'What about that kid with their head stuck in the doghouse?' and I replied, 'Yeah, why not?'
Christophe: The show was of course, 'Chanz does Houston', and the character was anuslicker the youngest of six children, belonging to a florist and a whale groomer at the zoo. The weekly adventures of that lovable family amused and educated a nation. But behind the cameras, trouble was brewing.
Antartica: Who? Oh yeah, Chanz, I remember him. They became a menace when we reached the fourth series. I recall one time where they just leapt at a cameraman and shaved his moustache off with a rusty nail. We asked why, but Chanz just got up and said to Mat J, the director, 'If you don't free Nelson Mandela, I'll take my Raisin Toast army and invade Ireland.' Chanz was sufering personal problems at the time, I should add in his defense.
Christophe: Eventually, in the twelfth season, Chanz had to leave due to a completely irrational, utterly unprovoked and heavily publicised fight on-stage.
A picture of Chanz punching Christophes lights out is shown.
Christophe: *sigh* Chanz was always in the spotlight. A fortnight after leaving Chanz does Houston, Chanz met Britney. Britney was at least sixteen years older than Chanz and was known to the police for muggings, outlawed S&M related activities, several unproven robberies, and excessive drink driving. Britney seemed to have a surprising effect on Chanz, who did anything Britney said. They spent most of their time together on nudist beaches, attending KKK meetings (Disclaimer: not yet proven) and spamming the Shrine of Insanity forum. They were to marry less than ten days later. Their bizarre lives were always making headlines.
A montage of newspaper headlines is shown: Britney Burns Down Hotel, Chanz Joins Jamaican Nazi Party, Britney Shoots Self in Foot, Chanz To Kill Self on New Years Day, Britney Shoots Self in Other Foot, and finally, Chanz Strips Nude On 'Meshuggah Live'.
Meshuggah: I remember that show well. Chanz just stood up, stripped off and started running all over the set. I told him, 'Well if you want to be on the show this badly, I'll interview you now!'. Sadly, security came in and put a stop to the antics. It did get past the censor though, so it wasn't a complete loss.
Christophe: It was this string of weird events that forced Chanz does Houston co-star and long time friend Sweet P to confront Chanz. The meeting went rather badly - Sweet P was killed. It remains a mystery to this day the fate that befell Sweet P. Chanz claims they talked for thirty seconds, whereupon Sweet P left in a huff when Chanz refused to reign-in the strange behaviour.
Christophe: It is a popular theory in conspiracy circles that Britney killed Sweet P, but it is more accepted by the media that it was Sweet P's own Mafia debts that lead to the death. In any case, the death shocked Chanz. He went into several rehab programs and Britney was eventually convinced to attend them too.
Christophe: A few years later, Chanz was approached by Hypocrite, the head producer of 'i love women with hairy armpits', the top-rating medical drama, about a three-episode guest appearance as Doctor Chanz Does Russia a disillusioned dentist with a criminal record. Chanz leapt at the chance to get back into acting.
A clip of Chanz on 'i love women with hairy armpits' now plays.
Chanz: Damnit Louise, I don't have time to observe the Medical Code of Practice! The life of this man lies...in...my...hands...
Chanz walks towards the camera.
Chanz: (Slowly and dramatically) In...My...Hands!
Christophe: The appearance revitalised Chanz's career. The character was written into the remaining scripts, and for the next two seasons, Chanz was hot property. A movie appearance in How do get a long schlong in 7 days, which won Chanz a Golden chickens, was to shortly follow. Britney also seemed to benefit, netting several guest appearances in various shows and movies.
Christophe: In the end however, the recognition seemed to turn the couple back into their old selves. Their careers were dead and buried by the time Chanz and Britney turned up in a public restroom, stark naked with a ten year old girl covered in petrol, Asswipe wearing a saddle and one of those hats with a propeller on it, a sheep that had been painted red and six cans of tinned spaghetti. This ten-minute video was available from the internet no less than two hours later.
There will now be a ten-minute break in this test, as the video is truly disgusting. No, I don't care how open-minded you are, I don't want my Hotmail inbox bombarded with ten billion complain emails that I'd just delete immediately anyway. We can, however, make it available to all those people who send an e-mail with credit card details to mixmasterflibble@ididn'trealiseitwasajoke.com.
Christophe: (Panting slightly) This turned out to be the end, as not only did it cost Chanz and Britney their careers, but it also got them sent to prison, where they are five years into a seventy year sentence. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the career of That's All of It. Join us again next week, when we review the dead and buried career of...Uh, me.
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 02:54:07 2003
Quote in Reply
||Friday the 15th
Chanz: Wow Jason Q, I can't believe your uncle decided to let us use his cabin for the weekend!
Jason Q: Yeah I know, it's pretty excellent isn't it. Did you bring the booze?
Libra: Yeah I've got it sweety.
Libra hugs Jason Q tightly.
Addison: It looks like something from a horror movie. What's the date..?
Jason Q looks at their watch.
Jason Q: Oh my God...you're not going to believe this...it's...friday the...
Addison: Oh no, you're shitting me!
Jason Q: Nope, it is well and truly Friday the...15th!!!
The group burst into laughter.
Addison: Oh you'll all be sorry when you get a knife between your ribs!
Sweet P: Geez lighten up Addison, we're here to have FUN.
So they all enter the little wooden cabin nestled between the trees, ready for a weekend of liquor swilling excitement. Then, as night begins to fall...
Sweet P: Oh damn it, the phone isn't working!
Chanz: Don't worry about it Sweet P you can use my mobile it's...in the car. Actually. Jason Q can you get it out for me?
Jason Q: Get off your fat ass and do it yourself!
Chanz: Nah just go Jason Q, and can you grab me some chips as well? I left them in the car as well.
Jason Q gets up out of their seat and groans.
Jason Q: Alright, alright, I'm going...
Libra: Jason Q?
Jason Q: Yes?
Libra: Be careful out there.
Ifihadahif: Yeah, be careful there might be...ghoulies and ghosties remember. It IS Friday the 15th after all...
Jason Q leaves to go out to the car.
Chanz: Who wants another beer?
Everybody answers yes and Ifihadahif walks into the kitchen to get some. Behind them, the laughter of the others as they watch television can be heard. Suddenly, the phone rings. Without thinking Chanz picks it up...
Voice: Hello Ifihadahif...
Chanz: Who is this?
Voice: The question isn't WHO am I...it's WHERE am I...
Chanz: Well then where...ARE you?
Sweet P: Who is it?
Chanz turns to face Sweet P who has just entered the room.
Sweet P takes the phone from Ifihadahif and listens.
Sweet P: The line is dead Ifihadahif...just like I said, it's not working...you must be flipping out. Let's just get some beers and get out of here...
Sweet P: No buts about it. Come on.
They enter the room at the same time as Jason Q does.
Jason Q: I found the chips but no phone. Sorry. Where's Addison?
Libra: They went to the toilet...about...five minutes ago now I think...
Sweet P: They must have a case of the trots!
Sweet P: So where's the phone then? I need to ring my mum! I promised her that I would.
Ifihadahif: It must be in my bag or something. I'll get it out for you in a minute.
Sweet P: Yes, good, thank you.
Jason Q: Well, I think I'm going to retire to the privacy of my own room for a while.
Libra: I'm coming too!
Ifihadahif: You'd better not have any sex. You'll be the first two the killer gets if you do!
Libra: Sex? What's that?
The group begin to disperse to their own rooms, some holding beers. Others holding each other. Chanz decides to tell Addison that everyone is going to bed.
Chanz: Hey? Addison? You in there? We're going to bed is all, thought you should know. Addison you listening to me? Addison?
Chanz gently presses the toilet door and finds that it slides easily open until...it meets with the dead flesh of Addison's leg. A knife is protruding from their chest and their eyes stare vacantly at the toilet door. Chanz screams.
Voice: You didn't see a thing.
Chanz spins around to see a figure standing in a loose fitting red shawl that looks suspiciously like a curtain. In the killers hands is a Plastic Fork which they wield dangerously.
Voice: It's the END of the line for you.
Meanwhile...in another part of the log cabin...
Libra: Mmm, this is great, we have all this time to ourselves...
Jason Q and Libra roll around on the bed together for a few moments before an ear-shattering scream comes from the lower levels. Jason Q leaps up from the bed.
Jason Q: Wait here. I'd better go and check. I'll be right back.
Libra: Oh don't say that. Please!
Jason Q: Don't worry. I will be.
Jason Q appears on the landing and sees Ifihadahif and Sweet P already running down the stairs.
Jason Q: What happened!
As they all round the corner they see the bodies of Addison and Ifihadahif, lying in a collective pool of crimson...
Jason Q: Oh...shit...oh...no...Oh my God. Ifihadahif we need to call the police where's your phone?
Ifihadahif dashes to the family room and searches madly in their bag.
Ifihadahif:I can't find it anywhere! It must still be in the car! I'll go look.
Sweet P: I'll look upstairs, it might be up there.
As everything threatens to spiral out of control Jason Q rests their head against the wall. Struggling to keep dinner in their stomach. Then...they see Ifihadahif's mobile lying under Sweet P's top, it has been cracked down the middle and doesn't work. The pieces start to fit together...
Jason Q: Sweet P had the phone all along. Which means that the normal phone DOES work...
Jason Q dashes upstairs to the bedroom where they had told Libra to wait and kicks open the door. They barely believes what he sees when he realises that it's Libra clutching a Chicken Stuffer, hovering over Sweet P's writhing form. Scooping up a hat-stand that sits just inside the door, Jason Q cries out:
Jason Q: Get the hell away from Sweet P. NOW!
As Libra turns their head towards Jason Q, Sweet P lashes out, kicking Libra in the stomach. Jason Q quickly runs over and pins Libra to the ground.
Jason Q: Oh my God...Libra how could you? I...I loved you.
Libra: Well if you love me then help me! I can explain, trust me, I can explain everything.
Jason Q: You can?
Libra: Yes! Yes of course I can, just get OFF me. Please. How could I have killed the others when I was up here with you? Think about it!
Jason Q: Oh no. It's...it's both of you isn't it? You're both...oh Jesus!
Sweet P: That's right Jason Q. We're in on this together...and we're more than willing to cut you a piece of the deal...if you want...
Jason Q: Cut me a piece of the DEAL? But what could you possibly get out of this? How does this all profit you?
Suddenly, Ifihadahif kicks their way into the room.
Ifihadahif: Show's over people. The police are on their way...
And sure enough...they could already hear sirens, seemingly from all angles.
And so it ends...but does it really? This is the first of the Shrine of Insanity tests to include RANDOM factors...that's right...RANDOM! That means that if you hit the refresh button, punch in those things again, you will get another output which could potentially alter who the killer was and who the killer killed. Along with a couple of other suprises...So take it again! And again!
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 07:06:34 2003
Quote in Reply
||Bravo! Better than most of the TV scripts here in America. I laughed. I cried. I got vertigo!
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 08:42:10 2003
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||good stuff chanz !
we need more more more !
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 09:43:55 2003
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||The Jerry Slinger Interactive Kinky Sex Special
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry: Hello everybody and welcome to our special presentation for tonight...Jerry Slinger's Kinky Sex Stories...
Jerry: That's right, tonight we are going to find out all kinds of utterly, utterly, terrifying information about our guests.
The crowd screams.
Jerry: So now, let's introduce...Mara! Everybody please put your hands together!
Mara walks out onto the stage dressed up like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Mara: Hi Jerry!
Jerry: Hey there Mara, why don't you tell everyone here what you have to say...
Mara: Well Jerry...I kind of have a special fetish...
The crowd LOVES it.
Jerry: Oh I see...and you're here to tell Antartica about it right? In the hope that your fantasies can be realised?
Mara: That's right Jerry.
Again the crowd screams.
Jerry: Okay, okay then, well why don't we bring Antartica in then and see what they have to say.
Antartica appears and walks across the stage, embracing Mara.
Jerry: Okay, now Antartica, you are probably wondering why you're here...
Antartica: Yes Jerry...
Jerry: Well Mara why don't you tell them why they're here...
Mara: Well sweety...I have brought you here to tell you that...
Antartica: You're gay?
Mara: No! No, that's not it...it's just that I have, well, a sort of fetish...a fetish for Stinky Armpits...
Antartica puts their hand over their mouth.
The crowd goes crazy.
Mara: I was wondering if...you could, well you know...help me with it. I dressed up in this uniform for you and everything...
Antartica: Well yeah...yeah I guess...
Antartica: But on one condition...
Antartica: I want you to eat fried chicken off my doggy balls...
The crowd goes INSANE.
Jerry: Okay, okay, but now I have to interrupt. Because there's actually something else that somebody needs to tell you Antartica.
Crowd silences, from the shadows emerges
Ifihadahif, sitting down next to Antartica.
Ifihadahif: Thanks Jerry...okay here's the thing...you know how important your friendship is to me Antartica...but, hell, I want MORE...
Antartica: What are you saying?
Ifihadahif: I want to have passionate sex with you...
Mara stands up rapidly from their seat. The crowd squeals with delight.
Mara: Now wait just a minute!
Antartica: I...I don't know what to say...I...
Mara: You say no! No is what you say!
Jerry: Okay, everyone please let's just calm down for a second, please, because it just turns out that I now have a suprise for all three of you...
Jerry points to the side entrance onto the stage and Sweet P appears with a big grin on their face. Mara leaps out of their chair and lunges towards them, swinging wild punches...
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
The security guard pulls them apart and sits them on opposite sides of Antartica. Mara wipes away the dribble of blood from their nose while Sweet P blinks a rapidly blackening eye.
Mara: You piece of shit, you've always been jealous of me and Antartica, why don't you just face the fact that we're together? Huh?
Sweet P: Oh yeah you have a great relationship don't you? When was the last time you had sex? Huh?
Antartica: Only 69 hours ago actually.
The crowd explodes excitedly.
Sweet P's face contorts and they leap out of their chair towards Mara. Mara stands and scoops up their chair, swinging it at Sweet P in wild arcs. The security guards step in and drag them apart.
Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second, I've missed something here. Why are the two of you so angry at each other? Sweet P help me out here.
Sweet P: Well Jerry it's a long story...but basically I asked these two if they wanted to form a threesome with me...
Jerry: A threesome with who? Antartica and Mara?
Sweet P: That's right Jerry, I think about them both all the time...
Antartica: Omigod! You're sick do you know that? I don't even want to see you again! I'm in love with Mara and that's how it's gonna' stay!
The crowd whoops and bellows in excitement. The camera moves out into the crowd and Jerry holds the microphone out to a young woman.
Young Woman: Yeah, I have a question for you down there...Antartica, I have to ask, are you crazy not to want to get down with Mara and Sweet P or what? I think you should consider yourself more lucky! Oh and Sweet P I've got something for you baby..!
The woman flashes her big ass tits for not only Sweet P but the whole world to see.
The crowd explodes in excitement. Jerry
steps away and looks sternly into the camera.
Jerry: Well as much as I wish that this could go on forever, i have to draw it to a close...and so i say this - what have morals stooped to in society today if we are even here talking about Stinky Armpits's and people getting their doggy balls's licked?
People harbouring secret obsessions for best friends, others seeking comfort in the numbers of threesomes. Throughout this all we've forgotten that two of the people down there are quite possibly in love and these peoples friends should respect that rather than just seeking fulfillment of their own desires. Thankyou...and goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 20:21:44 2003
Quote in Reply
||those're great chanz!...but why am i always either some whimpy soldier or a slut?
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 20:27:54 2003
Quote in Reply
||lol i don't know...
these are computer generated stuff so all i did was to input ur names and well i hope u'll end up as a heroine or something... lemme try now :)
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 20:38:59 2003
Quote in Reply
||The Interactive Action Movie
The camera shows a large building that reaches for the sky. The building is surrounded by police cars and officers barking orders into their radios. Addison is wearing a headset and looks worried...
Addison: Libra can you hear me? What's happening in there?
The scene rapidly disolves and we find Libra exploring empty offices...suddenly her eyes widen in terror and she speaks into the headset that she is wearing...
Libra: Holy shit Addison I've found it! Looks pretty standard, set on a digital timer...
We hear Addison's voice come over the headphones...
Addison: How much time do you have?
Libra: About five and a half minutes...
Addison: Okay Libra, don't mess around in there, get the hell out.
Libra: No, I think I can do this. There's only two wires.
Addison: Shit Libra forget about the heroics and just get the hell out of there! I do NOT want to be scraping your body off the sidewalk in five and a half minutes time!
Libra: Actually it's more like four minutes now...
Addison: Cut the crap! Get out of there! NOW!
Libra: I can't. I'd never make it out in time. I'm on the thirty-first floor and the lifts are out...
Libra: You're tellin' me!
Addison: Okay, okay what colour are the wires? We'll get you out of there don't worry.
Libra wipes the perspiration from her forehead as she stares at the timer. It is down to two and a half minutes and dissapearing fast...
Libra: Red and green.
Addison: Okay. Just hold on.
Libra: Oh don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.
The camera is back outside and we watch as Addison makes a mad dash across the pavement...
Addison: Sweet P! Sweet P where are you!
Sweet P steps out of one of the police cars wearing a jacket that says BOMB EXPERT.
Sweet P: What is it? Did something happen to Libra? Hey don't worry sweety, you've got a shoulder to cry on right here ANY time you need it.
Sweet P tips Addison a wink.
Addison: No you dickhead! Libra is trapped inside! There's a bomb and two wires, she needs to know which one to cut!
Sweet P: Oh...she should definately cut the red one. Always the red one. Go on, tell her to cut the red one.
Addison: You sure?
Sweet P: Sure as I'll ever be!
Addison: (into his headset) Libra did you hear that? Go red! Go red!
Libra stands over the bomb holding her trusty swiss army knife. She heard Sweet P's advice over the headset, but something just didn't quite gel with what she had said. The clock on the bomb now read less than a minute, seconds ticking quickly away. Slowly Libra moved her hand down towards the two coloured wires and cuts...
...The red one. The numbers on the bomb stop counting down and it beeps loudly before they begin a sudden decent downwards, the numbers changing too fast to see...
Libra: Wait a second! How did Sweet P know which wire to cut when I never even told her the choices? This was a set-up!
Suddenly an explosion tears through the building. Debris is thrown in every direction and those outside have to duck for cover. Addison screams and turns in Sweet P's direction just in time to see their smile fade.
Addison: YOU set that bomb didn't you! You set him up! You bitch!
Addison grabs at the gun at his waist and draws it out, levelling it on Sweet P's head.
Addison: And now...you'll pay...
Sweet P: Nooooooo!!!
Addison pulls the trigger and the muzzle of the gun lights up. The bullet tears through Sweet P's head and leaves a bloody smear on the ground. In the distance we see a figure crawling out of the rubble...it is Libra...Addison turns and sees her clawing her way free and runs madly towards her.
Addison: Libra you're alright! Oh thank God you're alright!
And so it ends...as do they all, with our heroine surviving a ridiculously fatal explosion and, as always, getting the guy who she will undoubtably ravage in bed that very night despite the fact that third degree burns will be covering at least 90% of her body...
Undoubtably, this is...THE END. Roll credits.
||Posted: Wed Nov 12 21:14:58 2003
Quote in Reply
||And so it ends...as do they all, with our heroine surviving a ridiculously fatal explosion and, as always, getting the guy who she will undoubtably ravage in bed that very night despite the fact that third degree burns will be covering at least 90% of her body...
Oh, Addi...yes, right...OUCH, NO, SHIT that hurts!... Oh yeah (moan) that's the spot Ohhh Ahhhh OWWWWW No.. Stop! Don't touch me there!!....
*nice job chanz
||Posted: Thu Nov 13 01:15:46 2003
Quote in Reply
||at least i've got a good part finally...thanks chanz! Sweet P and I always end up in these bizarre murder/love triangles...strange...
||Posted: Thu Nov 13 08:13:59 2003
Quote in Reply
||Dude, i have never been so proud in my entire life, thankyou, it reminds me of when i was in 'Nam for real. (Eyes glaze over and for a moment the surging flames of napalm seem to appear over my corneas)
||Posted: Thu Nov 13 08:47:27 2003
Quote in Reply
>Dude, i have never been so proud in my entire life, thankyou, it reminds me of when i was in 'Nam for real. (Eyes glaze over and for a moment the surging flames of napalm seem to appear over my corneas)
mmmmmmm. . .napalm . . . .mmmmmmmm good !
||Posted: Thu Nov 13 14:54:46 2003
Quote in Reply
>at least i've got a good part finally...thanks chanz! Sweet P and I always end up in these bizarre murder/love triangles...strange...
Yes...I noticed that too...At least we weren't in the porn one : )
Thanks Chanz, theses are hilarious!
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