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need some advice
libra Posted: Thu Dec 4 02:45:31 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Ok. So, a little over a month ago a boy, lets just call him Harry, asked me out. Harry and i had been friends since the beginning of school and i was really able to talk to him. I probably opened up more to him over the past few months than the people i've known since kindergarten. But something wasn't there for me, I wasn't really attracted to him in a more than friends way. So I said no. We talked and talked over a weekend, because he was confused and he needed answers. There wasn't an answer i could give him though, because he would only accept and understand one answer. Yes. We decided to stay friends, and we werent sure whether we could do it or not, but I was hoping for the best, and he was hoping that I'd change my mind in the future. From that point until last week everything seemed pretty good...

Last week was thanksgiving break. The kids who went away to college came home for a few days, including a boy that i had talked to over the summer. (lets call him Bill) I wrote about him on GT actually. I said no when he asked me out, I couldn't see him in that way. I had known Bill forever, and he was kind of a mix of all the ages I had ever known him at to me. His friend is kind of off and on dating my friend, and so the four of us went to the movies. It was ok, a little strange. That night he was talking to me on Aol and he asked if i was doing anything. I was supposed to go hang out with some friends, so i asked him along. Meanwhile, Harry was at his grandma's house for thanksgiving, and wasnt supposed to be back till sunday. But he came home on saturday, and called my friend's house as soon as Bill and I showed up there to go out for coffee with her and another girl. So they went and got Harry while me and Bill headed over to the coffee shop. They weren't there yet when we got there, so we walked around talking. We still couldnt find them when we went back, so we sat in Bill's car talking cause it was rainy and cold. Finally i got ahold of them on my phone, and we found out they were at a different restaurant. We went there, and sat down, Harry met Bill, jokes were made by my two friends about me and Bill making out in the car, and the jealous fight over me began. It wasnt that dramatic actually, basically, Harry got really jealous of Bill, maybe he thought more was going on that night, and now he doesnt talk to me as much as he used to.

So my questions are: Will Harry ever be the same again? Is there any hope that I can fix our friendship? Should I back off and give him some time? Or try to talk to him?


 
antartica Posted: Thu Dec 4 03:23:55 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
>So my questions are: Will Harry ever be the same again? Is there any hope that I can fix our friendship? Should I back off and give him some time? Or try to talk to him?

Is 'arry boy working on presumptions or have you tried talking to him about it? maybe he's got something for you and the "harmless make out jokes" actually struck a chord somewhere in his pitiful male heart ( i say that coz i'm a sucker for pain). try explaing to him the situation and even as friends only, there's gotta be the trust. of course you should back off a little and give him some thinking space and for him to recollect his thoughts and cool off....... COOL OFF ok, not turn cold. if he values this friendship as much as you do, he should be able to see the light...

hope i wasnt juz bantering coz i have no idea what i've just typed!!! haha i'm going through some "relationship fun" as well too... LOL

btw. if all else fails, i heard that there's this really good help line you can call to talk... try 800-U.N.C.L.E.-A.D.D.I. i'm not sure if the website is up yet but you can try www.uncle-addi.com

i'm such an ass.... didnt mean to make fun of the situation...........me bad




 
FN Posted: Thu Dec 4 04:56:19 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hmm.

I can undertsand the situation from Harry's point of view, been there once and am not planning on ever returning there.

What I've learned though after the biggest waste of time in my entire life up to this point is that if the feeling isn't mutual you can't expect the other person not to have anybody else, so the harry guy, no matter how tough it is for him, can't expect that from you either.

If you don't love him you don't love him, and that's it. There's nothing more to it. If he wants to feel sorry for himself let him you won't be able to help him anyway because every word you say will fuel his hope of the 2 of you getting together some time in the future.

If you want to spare his feelings it's best to be as blunt with him as possible and just tell him the way it is, and don't feel sorry for him, in the end you're making it even harder on the both of you.

As you probably know I was crazy about this one girl for way way way way way too long, and looking back on it I don't really know why I was and why I was so 'loyal to her' (well, most of the time ;o) even though we weren't in a relationship and I had other very interesting 'offers'. However, once I told her and got the cliché answer "sorry, you're such a sweet and terrific guy but I don't feel the same way about you, I'm in love with somebody else", it was over in I think about a month, after which I got to know my girlfriend with who I am still together now, for just over 9 months at the time I'm writing this, and it has been reported to me that the girl I was so crazy about now kind of had regrets about chosing the other guy (their relationship ended after a month or 2, and it resulted in me breaking every bond with her).

What I'm trying to say is that it is very hard for you, if not impossible, to do anything right at this point. If you talk to him you'll make it worse and he'll keep searching for every bit of hope. If he can't get over it you might end up in the same situation as the girl in my case ended, and you might want to think about that as well.

I don't think anybody can give you 'the' answer here, you have to go over the pro's and the con's of everything you do concerning him and keep in mind that every thing you say and do will somehow affect the relationship between you 2.


 
addi Posted: Thu Dec 4 07:23:46 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:

>
>btw. if all else fails, i heard that there's this really good help line you can call to talk... try 800-U.N.C.L.E.-A.D.D.I. i'm not sure if the website is up yet but you can try www.uncle-addi.com

Oh, so now I'm her last resort?! LOL!

The help line has been temporarily shut down anyway. Seems a few complaints have been made to the authorities about advice I've given. So what if I told one young love struck girl that it was hopeless and she should find the nearest bridge to leap off!
BTW Ant, if you're having relationship problems I'd gladly help you for a small fee (like a free flight to your island paradise..hint, hint)
Libra, my advise to you is to just sit back and enjoy the show. Before ya know it years go by and you'll be yearning for the days when any guy was jealous over you. :)



 
FN Posted: Thu Dec 4 09:07:51 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A sudden wave of melancholy and nostalgia comes over addi as he remembers the time that he was the object of many men's affection.


Maybe they wouldn't be so confused if you cut your hair you long-haired no-good hippy ;o)


 
bluellama Posted: Thu Dec 4 10:11:29 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Harry seems like a great guy, and I think he would understand if you talked to him about the whole situation. After you two talk, I say give him some time to clear his head, and that way you can maybe sort out some of your own feelings for the situation. I believe Harry will be the same, and you two can carry on and be good friends as always. You have got to have the trust no matter what kind of relationship you have, friendship or relationship, explain that to him, and that you would never want to hurt his feelings.

But if Mr. Harry does keep getting jealous and his feelings for you don't subside, you may want to distance your relationship with him. You can't have a friend that is always pestering you about every guy you are around. It just doesn't work. If that does end up happening, then it is his loss, not yours.

Just try and talk to him, and then the rest is up to him :).

How about 1-800-daddyaddi ?


 
addi Posted: Thu Dec 4 10:31:30 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>A sudden wave of melancholy and nostalgia comes over addi as he remembers the time that he was the object of many men's affection.
>
>
>Maybe they wouldn't be so confused if you cut your hair you long-haired no-good hippy ;o)

To borrow a phrase from Sail and Sweet P....

Oh Dear!


 
socialyD Posted: Thu Dec 4 11:20:55 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  You've hit a point where 'Harry' has to move on, there are two ways to go and he must choose one. He can move on and grow up and understand that not all love offered will be love recipocated or he can choose to wallow in self pitty. What can you do? Offer your friendship with honesty, be clear that you are not leading him on. Make it clear that you want to be friends but if he cannot be comfrotable with you having other male friends, romantic or not, that things will not work out. Because realisticly you will eventualy one day become romanticly involved with someone and the true test is, can he handel that. If he can, he's a true friend not just one waiting for that day when you change you mind.


 
ifihadahif Posted: Thu Dec 4 12:05:00 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  fuck 'em both !
all men are pigs and only want one thing - to paint your toenails !


 
mat_j Posted: Thu Dec 4 12:12:52 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Sometimes things just feel so strong they hurt like hell and the only way to stop 'em is to lash out at what you hold dear or block them out entirely.

The answer ain't something you can just throw onto a message board i don't think, maybe smaller points of judgement can be discussed for such as harry did this, this week what do you think he means, but the big picture invariably requires a different answer.

My only piece of advice is to never cut anyone out of a situation cause the left ahnd always needs to know what the right is doing



mat j's food for thought
Every damned nice and decent guy at some point in his/her life learned this kind of lesson the hard way and probably lost a friend on the way


 
Kira Posted: Thu Dec 4 12:16:08 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Go ahead and talk to him, if you feel like that's what you want to do. He's your friend and I'm sure you don't like to see him upset. But don't let him think you're trying to 'make up' with him.

This guy doesn't have any right to be cranky and jealous. You've given him enough indication that all you want with him is friendship. He has to decide for himself wether or not he can deal with that, but either way he should treat you with respect.


 
mat_j Posted: Thu Dec 4 12:59:52 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  On the other hand the dude is essentially human and fallible, it's easy to judge feelings from the outside but if he's going to need a real kick in the ass to get the message you just want to be friends because jealousy is an all consuming emotion and self denial will pick up on even the smallest hint of wavering in you opinion.


 
jennemmer Posted: Thu Dec 4 14:48:40 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ifihadahif said:
>fuck 'em both !
>all men are pigs and only want one thing - to paint your toenails !

It's nice to drop by and find that somethings haven't changed much... ;)




 
libra Posted: Thu Dec 4 15:39:02 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  thank you all for the good advice. We've made a few steps forward, through livejournal of all things. My username is [redacted] on www.livejournal.com if you'd like to see what he said, he didnt say much though. You can also read all about my incredibly interesting life(sarcasm, of course). I think, and hope that it'll work out for the best.




 
addi Posted: Thu Dec 4 16:01:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  jennemmer said:
>ifihadahif said:
>>fuck 'em both !
>>all men are pigs and only want one thing - to paint your toenails !
>
>It's nice to drop by and find that somethings haven't changed much... ;)
>
>
I was just wondering the other day where you had gone. I hope it wasn't off galiventing around with mesh! Don't be such a stranger, star gazer.


 
jennemmer Posted: Thu Dec 4 17:23:48 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  >I was just wondering the other day where you had gone. I hope it wasn't off galiventing around with mesh! Don't be such a stranger, star gazer.

I've missed this place, but as it's my graduating year and it seems the professors' sworn duty to try and kill as many of us as possible before we graduate some of my RL friends are starting to forget what I look like. ;)


 
addi Posted: Thu Dec 4 17:45:34 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  jennemmer said:

>
>I've missed this place, but as it's my graduating year and it seems the professors' sworn duty to try and kill as many of us as possible before we graduate some of my RL friends are starting to forget what I look like. ;)

What you're doing is so important. You've got an excused absence.
Remember to study hard, clean behind your ears, and drink lots of hot cocoa. We'll be around when you have to get away from it all..ready to say rude sexist things in reply.


 
Paulo Posted: Fri Dec 5 07:06:39 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I can firmly say i'm in Harry's position right now. Despite there being no romantic involvment with this girl since March I still get angry and upset at times.

There are ways to deal with it. I mean yeah you could cut all contact with him which I guess is the easiest option and it can work. But I take it Harry is a good friend who can usually give you advice.

I prefer not to hear about this girl's love life and i'm fine we can talk, have fun etc. Sometimes she brings her love life up and I get a little rattled.

If he gets another girlfriend probelm solved I think. I think most men hate ex-girlfriends current boyfriends/love interest its a monkey type thing.

Paulo


 



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