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more silly stuff from the crazy ninja
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:35:39 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  "Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're
driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.


 
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:37:42 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with
bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps
me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may
eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on
their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they
are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This
time however it included a burning foamy chemical called
"shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only
consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of
the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard
that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and
seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.
Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is
assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time..


 
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:42:00 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Ways to Tell Your Parents That You're Not Graduating


"The restraining order banning me from entering the state made it kinda difficult to attend class."

"As a member of PETA, I refuse to accept anything on sheepskin."

"Let me start this off by pointing out that George W. Bush graduated from college, and Albert Einstein didn't."

"Hey, mid-terms were the same week as our IPO roadshow!"

"I was detained by Metallica for listening to their music without express written consent."

"Those bastards refused to count all-night raves towards the Phys. Ed. requirement."

"From the time I was a kid, you've been telling me I had to go to college -- now you want me to *leave*?!?"

"I'm working with the Guinness Book people to break the "Most Years Spent in High School" record currently held by the kids in 'Beverly Hills 90210'!"

"I'll tell you why I failed those history courses... because the professor was as bad as Amos Hitler!"

"Mom, Dad, I've got good news: I'm J.O.B. negative!"

"I still haven't finished my Principles of Economics thesis: The Effects of Ten Years' Tuition on the Retirement Plans of 50-Year-Old Parents."

"Mom, I know this is no excuse, but I was emotionally distraught because Dad's been banging his secretary."

"As chief architect of the dorm's Beer Can Wall, I can't possibly leave until it's finished."

"Look at this way, folks: From now on, all your French fries will be free!"
and the Number 1 Way to Tell Your Parents That You're Not Graduating...

"The good news, Dad, is that we've reserved a spot for you on the 'Parents of Gay Students Expelled from Bob Jones University' float in this year's gay pride parade."




 
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:46:27 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Types Of People In The Men's Room


EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

NOSY: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal as he had already, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals beeing used, pisses in the sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor. sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

SNEAKY: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time, reads newspaper with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoes.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.

IMPATIENT: Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy using urinal in front of him.

HUNTER: Gets out of camper, unzips fly, steps of cliff, never pisses, but does scare the shit out of himself.

WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminates noise.

CROSS-EYED: Looks into urinal to the left, pisses into one in the center, flushes one on the right.

CURIOUS: Looks over at neighbor, pisses in neighbor's pocket.

COMPETITIVE: Stands back, and challenges others to distance contest.

SHOW OFF: Stands with back to urinal, and slings tool over shoulder.

CONFUSED: Woman in wrong washroom wondering what's with the funny sinks.




 
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:50:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Things you don't want to hear during Surgery



1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
6. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again...
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
23. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
24. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
25. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
26. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...
27. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.




 
antartica Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:52:49 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  you are too free. . . . . . .=P


 
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 5 20:57:05 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  and u my friend are too awake hahaha


 
antartica Posted: Fri Dec 5 21:25:51 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  chanz said:
>and u my friend are too awake hahaha

lol..... couldn't sleep no more dude... actually got up at 730!!! time to buy the lottery!


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Dec 7 12:33:19 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  funny


 



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