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antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:02:25 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Marriage : 2 dogs, or 2 wives?


This is why lots of guys have two dogs and not two wives.



1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous,other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs cant talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog.

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

30. If a dog leaves,it won't take half your stuff.



 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:06:14 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Animals : The ark of Noah


When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"






 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:07:10 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What's for dinner


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"

"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.

"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams..."Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a fucking arsehole...!!!"



 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:14:12 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Penis torture


Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle.

Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."



 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:20:09 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  To heaven?


Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.



 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:28:35 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Marvin the Kid


Marvin wanted to be a gunfighter, just like his hero Billy the Kid. So he went into town, bought a black Stetson hat, a black gun belt and
a black horse to go with the completely black outfit.

He went home and practiced for 2 solid weeks behind the barn shooting at various targets and drawing his pistols until he was as fast as lightening and every shot was a dead shot no matter what he shot at.

He rode into town, tied his black horse up at the bar, and walked inside the bar. There stood his hero, Billy the Kid, at the bar. He walked right up to him and told him, "I am your biggest fan and would like your opinion. Do I Look like a gunfighter like you?"

Billy the Kid looked at Marvin, his black Stetson hat down to his black boots, and asked, "You look fine, but can you shoot?"

"Sure can," replied Marvin, "See that piano player over there? Watch
this!"

Marvin pulled out his pistol with his right hand and shot the right cuff link off of the piano player's shirt!

"That's pretty good, but can you shoot with your other hand too?", Billy the Kid asked.

"Sure can!", said Marvin, and drew his left pistol and shot the other cuff link off of the piano player's left sleeve.

"That's pretty good", said Billy the Kid.

"What else should I do to be a gunfighter like you?" asked Marvin.

"Well," drawled Billy the Kid, "You should go into the kitchen and get
some lard and rub it all over your pistols. That won't make you draw any
faster, but when Wyatt Earp gets finished playing the piano, it won't hurt
so bad when he shoves those pistols up your ass."


 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:29:45 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Oral sex cure


A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."




 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 06:31:36 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Potatoes


Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so
he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for
him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin
ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody
on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning
away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and
asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"




 
addi Posted: Sat Dec 6 07:43:00 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  up at 6 AM this morning. Read the first one on dogs and was in tears laughing. So true! thanks, ant


 
zander83 Posted: Sat Dec 6 14:58:38 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  while studying for exams this was a good distraction...


 
antartica Posted: Sat Dec 6 15:52:49 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  =) glad you kids enjoyed it...
will post more when i find them


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Dec 7 12:39:14 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  eep


 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 16:54:27 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Famous sex quotes:

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Steve Martin


"You know that look women get when they want sex? . . .Me neither."
--Drew Carey


"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Unknown


"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."
--Woody Allen


"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
--Sam Austin


"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
--George Burns


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
--Matt Barry


"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns


 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 16:56:45 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Things you'd really like to say at work:



I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.



 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 17:00:30 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  One-liners for women


I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

A hard-on does not count as personal growth.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Do I look like a f***ing people person?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.

Okay, okay I take it back. Un-Fuck you!

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

And which dwarf are you?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm... actually it is the size.




 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 17:02:25 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What men and women say and what they really mean:



What a woman says, what she really means:


I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!




What a man says, what he really means:


I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!



 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 17:03:36 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Math and marriage

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC




Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion/raise

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH




A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS




A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS




To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY




Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE




A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE




A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals...



 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 17:05:02 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Men are like...





Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Department Stores. Their clothes are always half off.

Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.


 
antartica Posted: Sun Dec 7 17:06:10 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Pick up lines that may get you killed:



If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

Your parents must be retarded, because you are special

Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.



 



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