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i'm so confused
libra Posted: Tue Dec 16 17:57:43 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Iíve never been in such confusion about my emotions. I thought I was the one that knew my head, that I was the one firmly understanding why and how. I had reasons for why I didnít like him, reasons for those reasons, and I was sure of my feelings, perfectly content with our friendship. Now things are changing though, and I canít figure out what exactly my mind is doing. Itís playing with me in cruel ways. My friends say we act like weíre dating anyway, that our friendship is like the companionship part of a relationship, without the romantic and physical aspects. When they said this, I disagreed, but a few minutes later, after the back of my mind had mulled over the evidence, I found it to be true. I do act like he is a boyfriend, in certain ways. Heís the one I go to talk to; I can talk to him about anything at any time. We can do anything together and make it fun. At the gas station, at Safeway, we can laugh and joke. I think part of my problem is that this is normal to me. Itís the way I am with my closest female friends. So I donít notice the difference between it being him or one of the girls. There is a difference though. Because the fact that I open up to him in the way I do to my best female friends means something. I donít know whether what I feel is just affection in a friendly way. Or do I want more? Maybe Iím blocking the feelings I might have because Iím scared of what could happen. What is more frightening to me than not having him as a friend is having him as something more than that. Iíve never been in a relationship before; Iíve never had that emotional responsibility and connection with someone. New things scare me, and even though I want a boyfriend, I canít decide whether what Iím feeling about this is what I would feel about any guy. I canít play with his emotions either. I canít tell him I might have changed my mind if I discover I havenít ten minutes down the road. Heís leaving to go home for Christmas break in three days. And he might not come back.

If anyone has any advice, suggestions, comments, anything, please let me know, I can use all the help I can get.


 
Kira Posted: Tue Dec 16 18:21:41 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I couldn't help but smile as I read this. It really does sound like you have feelings for him.

I can understand your being uncertain though. Sometimes when you know someone feels 'that way' about you, you can't help but catch a bit that feeling yourself. And it isn't wise to jump in and say "I've changed my mind!" just like that.

But if this guy is such a great friend--and it sure sounds like he is--you wouldn't want to lose him either way. At least tell him you hope he comes back.


 
Asswipe Posted: Tue Dec 16 19:07:26 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  you're complicating things. shit's not as complex as you're making them. He's a great friend, that's fine. the only thing that should make you want to turn it into a physical relationship is if you're physically attracted to the guy. This emotional shit that you're talking about can exist just as much between a guy who's just friends w/ you and a boyfriend. the only difference is the physical part of it all.

and having so little experience w/ boyfriends and shit is your reason for thinking so much about it all. the only way you get experience is by having a boyfriend. you don't need to wait till you feel 100% certain about a person to date them, that's the point of dating, to find out if you want to be w/ the person. i say, if you're physically attracted to the guy, take it to the next step and see if you feel the chemistry in the kiss and then take the next step based on comfort.

you don't need to have all the answers about this shit right away, and you're not supposed to have 'em.


 
addi Posted: Tue Dec 16 19:50:58 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I can save you a lot of time and worry about this, Libra. If the following GTer's offer advice I know how they'd respond......

Sailovzi
"Find out if he's a Libertarian before you commit"

sntSaturn
"Find out if he likes Bush before you commit"


SweetP
"Go for it. Once you've had Canadian bacon you never go back"

bluellama
"Don't date men"

sociallyD
"Turn off your brain and follow your heart"

novrain
"Ignore him for 3 months and see how he reacts"

Malik
"Pour your guts out to him"

Addi
"Tell him how you feel...and ask if he has any spare cigarettes"

Antartica
"Fuck him!"

Christophe
"What the FUCK?!"

chanz
"There's plenty of other fish to fuck"

Dan632
"Fuck everything!"

Hif
"Fuck me...please"

mat_j
"Huck Fim"


Mesh
"Merry Fuckmass!...what are we talking about?"

Koff
"Piss on him!"

Good luck sweetie. Logic always takes a backseat to passion.


 
Malik Posted: Tue Dec 16 20:19:51 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I wish I could give you a straight answer, Libra, I really do. I've been in this situation before, and I wanted desperatly for some kind of answer to appear from someone, but the only decision I could make was mine.

What you have to do now is make a decision. You are in the position of a gambler who has won a good amount of money on a bet, and is then asked to "double or nothing" the money. You have to decide whether you want to risk your already good friendship for an even more stellar romance. I'm pretty sure that that, if things don't work out, it'll be a while before you two laugh at the Safeway again. But if it does, you could experience a love so wonderful, words couldn't describe the feelings you will get.


I'm not going to tell you what you should do, or which way you should feel, because even if I knew all the little details about your life, it's not my decision. It's yours. I've seen good friends turn into passionate lovers that seem to brighten every room they walk into. I've also seen good friends turn bitter and hateful towards each other, after the first failed spark at love. And I don't know what the right answer is, and I don't think you do, nor does he. I don't think anyone has all the right answers, but we just have to do what we feel, and either rejoice in making the "right" choice or sorrow in making the "wrong" choice. I put those in quotes because there is no real right or wrong, just whatever you choose.

And I disagree with Asswipe on his post, that the only diffrence between a good guy friend and a boyfriend is good looks. Sure, that is how Hollywood and the media want to portray it, with the sitcom's star's boyfriends being hot, and her good friends being either ugly or gay, but that's not it should be. If so, then every guy without strikingly good looks is cursed to forever be a good friend of a girl he will never marry... And, even if I was attractive, I wouldn't want a girl who chose me on my looks. Sure, that's how most people pick out people to date, but I want something other than that.

I agree with him in the fact that you don't need to have all the answers right now, but you shouldn't plug your ignorance with good looks. According to that argument, if you don't know if a guy will beat you later in life, all you need to do is look him down, that'll tell you everything you don't need to know...





 
Malik Posted: Tue Dec 16 20:21:43 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
 
>Malik
>"Pour your guts out to him"

Crap! Forgot about that part! :)


 
Asswipe Posted: Tue Dec 16 21:43:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Malik said:

>And I disagree with Asswipe on his post, that the only diffrence between a good guy friend and a boyfriend is good looks. Sure, that is how Hollywood and the media want to portray it, with the sitcom's star's boyfriends being hot, and her good friends being either ugly or gay, but that's not it should be. If so, then every guy without strikingly good looks is cursed to forever be a good friend of a girl he will never marry... And, even if I was attractive, I wouldn't want a girl who chose me on my looks. Sure, that's how most people pick out people to date, but I want something other than that.


firstly you're wrong because i said attracted to someone, not being good looking. There are plenty of ugly women out there w/ ugly significant others, they just find each other attractive. I think the hollywood shit is what's contributing to libra's problem. She's thinking she needs to have this ultimate knowledge on how she feels about someone before dating them, but the bad news is there will be no sappy love music chiming in when she feels something special for a guy, she's just gonna have to try shit out. love shit is all mental.

There are many ways to love someone. Sometimes we want love so much, we're not too choosy about who we love. Other times, we make love such a pure and noble thing, no poor human can ever meet our vision...

Raymond E. Feist


>
>I agree with him in the fact that you don't need to have all the answers right now, but you shouldn't plug your ignorance with good looks. According to that argument, if you don't know if a guy will beat you later in life, all you need to do is look him down, that'll tell you everything you don't need to know...
>
>

physical attraction is one of the most important parts of choosing a mate. you can disagree w/ me but you'd be wrong. and to say you're wrong again, i never said it's the only thing one considers when choosing a partner. in libra's case she says she already has this emotional bond w/ the kid so must like his character.

all i'm saying is if she already likes the kid as a person, the decision to turn it into a physical relationship(the only shit that her current relationship w/ the kid is missing) is based on physical attraction.


 
Mesh Posted: Wed Dec 17 00:07:56 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:



>"Huck Fim"
>
>
>Mesh
>"Merry Fuckmass!...what are we talking about?"



Seriously, what ARE we talk about people?


 
Aeon Posted: Wed Dec 17 04:51:20 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
>Iíve never been in such confusion about my emotions. I thought I was the one that knew my head, that I was the one firmly understanding why and how. I had reasons for why I didnít like him, reasons for those reasons, and I was sure of my feelings, perfectly content with our friendship. Now things are changing though, and I canít figure out what exactly my mind is doing. Itís playing with me in cruel ways. My friends say we act like weíre dating anyway, that our friendship is like the companionship part of a relationship, without the romantic and physical aspects. When they said this, I disagreed, but a few minutes later, after the back of my mind had mulled over the evidence, I found it to be true. I do act like he is a boyfriend, in certain ways. Heís the one I go to talk to; I can talk to him about anything at any time. We can do anything together and make it fun. At the gas station, at Safeway, we can laugh and joke. I think part of my problem is that this is normal to me. Itís the way I am with my closest female friends. So I donít notice the difference between it being him or one of the girls. There is a difference though. Because the fact that I open up to him in the way I do to my best female friends means something. I donít know whether what I feel is just affection in a friendly way. Or do I want more? Maybe Iím blocking the feelings I might have because Iím scared of what could happen. What is more frightening to me than not having him as a friend is having him as something more than that. Iíve never been in a relationship before; Iíve never had that emotional responsibility and connection with someone. New things scare me, and even though I want a boyfriend, I canít decide whether what Iím feeling about this is what I would feel about any guy. I canít play with his emotions either. I canít tell him I might have changed my mind if I discover I havenít ten minutes down the road. Heís leaving to go home for Christmas break in three days. And he might not come back.
>
>If anyone has any advice, suggestions, comments, anything, please let me know, I can use all the help I can get.

Aeon speaks with experience. I had the same thing with a girl, a friendship that was borderline dating sans the physical and romantic aspects. She had a boyfriend, though. I thought I liked her and totally fucked up the friendship, probably the best I ever had, only to find out later that I never really had feelings for her, I was just lonely and confused about my emotions. Listen. Don't overanalyze this thing. Either you have feelings for him like that or you don't. You could even go on a few trial dates with him to see if you feel anything. Which is probably the best thing to do. Just test the waters rather than jumping head first. Give him the heads up and say, "Hey [insert name], I've been thinking that I would like to give this dating thing a try. I'm not saying that we're gonna be girlfriend and boyfriend, I'm just saying that I would like to go out on a few dates with you to assess my feelings." or something like that. I guarantee he'll be thrilled with the proposition and you get to test the waters.


 
FN Posted: Wed Dec 17 06:06:44 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Before answering to all of this I have a question first:

I think the system of establishing a relationship is a bit different in Europe and in the US.

I always hear about 'dating' in the US, but what does it mean exactly? Do you actually like ask if they wanna go on a date and have a few of them before you kiss or something like that? That's the image I'm getting anyway.


 
addi Posted: Wed Dec 17 07:36:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:

>
>I always hear about 'dating' in the US, but what does it mean exactly? Do you actually like ask if they wanna go on a date and have a few of them before you kiss or something like that? That's the image I'm getting anyway.

Dating in America when I was growing up:

Guy likes girl.
Guy finds out from girl's friends that she thinks he's cute.
Guy walks up to girl nervously at water fountain and asks if she wants to go to the sock hop with him. She giggles and says yes.
Guy drives to her house on Friday night. Rings doorbell and is greeted by her father. He sits nervously on couch while father eyes him over with the look that says if you touch my daughter I'll kill you. Mother brings him a glass of coke. Girl comes down stairs and boy walks over to her, handing her flowers. Mom makes then pose for a picture, and dad says be back home by 10:30. Couple goes to school dance and swings the night away. At 9:00 the boy drives her to lookout point, puts on his best sad puppy dog look and finally convinces her to make out, after reassuring her he'll still respect her in the morning.
Drops off girl at 10:31. She runs to her room and calls her girlfriend telling her that she is in love. Next day in the locker room guy informs his buddies that he went to 2nd base with her.

Dating in America in 2003:
Guy calls girl on cell phone.
"Yo, Bitch. Wanna go to the Radiohead concert Friday and then do it?"


 
FN Posted: Wed Dec 17 08:40:53 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Lol.

Being the old fart that you are you might leave the 2003 part up to the younger folks. The elderly have a wrong perception of youth most of the time ;o)

Don't really understand the 'base-system' thing either. Somebody explained it to me before but have forgotten about it I'm afraid.

Why make it all so confusing?


 
addi Posted: Wed Dec 17 09:00:13 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:


>Being the old fart that you are you might leave the 2003 part up to the younger folks. The elderly have a wrong perception of youth most of the time ;o)

I live with a high schooler. I taught high school only a few years ago. Even though I'm "old" I am very much in touch with how today's American youth think. I know you were kidding and I know it was a gross generalization on my part. It was just my attempt at humor. There is a little bit of truth hidden in my example though.

The times they are a changing.



 
FN Posted: Wed Dec 17 09:13:57 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>Christophe said:
>
>
>>Being the old fart that you are you might leave the 2003 part up to the younger folks. The elderly have a wrong perception of youth most of the time ;o)
>
>I live with a high schooler. I taught high school only a few years ago. Even though I'm "old" I am very much in touch with how today's American youth think. I know you were kidding and I know it was a gross generalization on my part. It was just my attempt at humor. There is a little bit of truth hidden in my example though.
>
>The times they are a changing.
>

I know, an attempt at humor from my part as well ;o)


 
libra Posted: Wed Dec 17 09:46:25 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  actually, you did a pretty good job addi.


To the rest of you. Thank you so much. I'm still not completely sure of what I'm going to do(I never am though) but you're advice has been amazing and very helpful at giving me some sort of perspective in this whole thing. Thanks.


 
bluellama Posted: Wed Dec 17 11:09:59 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:

>bluellama
>"Don't date men"

Libra, I will keep this short and sweet:
Well, other than that ofcourse, I say go for it Libra. Atleast you will be left with no regrets.
Jump in head first, I say. It is always more fun than testing the water.

And for dating, well, sometimes people will date a few different people at one time, but nothing serious with any one of them. They will actually go out on dates and whatnot. Some people will have sex after the first date, some people may never have sex until they are married (as a previous post mentioned), just depends on the person. After a while, once it gets serious, when you are actually in a relationship, it is called dating. And you will still go on dates. :)
Hope that helps Christophe

1st base: kissing
2nd: touchy feely
3rd: oral
homerun: sex
Personally, I think the whole "base" system is just stupid, but oh well.


 
addi Posted: Wed Dec 17 11:53:37 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  bluellama said:

>
>1st base: kissing
>2nd: touchy feely
>3rd: oral
>homerun: sex
>Personally, I think the whole "base" system is just stupid, but oh well.

It is a strange analogy isn't it.
I've long since retired from running the bases. Got caught trying to steal home too many times. Now I'm content to be a 3rd base coach if any of you need any advice.

*Blue, thanks for having a good sense of humor about my "don't date men" crack


 
marsi Posted: Wed Dec 17 17:58:19 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Libra my advice would be to try it and see what happens. Be honest with him. Tell him what you are afraid of.
I have a friend, we know each other since high school. It was allways really easy to talk to him, he knows me really well.
Like you said: Itís the way I am with my closest female friends.
He knew if I was feeling blue, I could never hide it from him. The relationship never got physical. Maybe we were both afraid, it would ruin the friendship.
He is married now (not to me). We are still friends, but I am wondering what if... There were moments in the past when relationship could have gotten physical, but my mind (or my fears) said no.
There are some unwritten rules in a relationship, and when you are friends for a long time it's not easy to change those rules.
I think you can love somebody (or have a relationship with) on three "levels" - mind (intellect), heart (emotions) and body (physical). And if you can have all three with the same person...well that's why I said try it. Who knows, he might be the right one.
I hope this makes sense and whatever you decide good luck.


 
mat_j Posted: Thu Dec 18 21:11:34 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Huck Fim



(Am freaked out that Adddi knows about my penchant for spoonerisms..... must kill Addi)


 
addi Posted: Thu Dec 18 22:41:55 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  mat_j said:
>Huck Fim
>
>
>
>(Am freaked out that Adddi knows about my penchant for spoonerisms..... must kill Addi)

no...kust mill idda : )


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Dec 21 06:28:41 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Yes, that'll be it.... excellent


 



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