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FN Posted: Thu Dec 25 22:06:27 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hmm

It's 3:30 in the morning right now, on december the 26th of 2003.

Can't sleep.

These past 2-3 weeks have been hell.

I keep on pondering about my relationship with my gf.

We've been together for about 10 months now, which is a personal record.

She sleeps over during week-ends and holidays and such, and during a normal week I only see her on wednesday.

And that's where part of the problem starts.

I live at my mother's place, but she lives in the city where my dad lives, that's why it isnt a problem to see her during week-ends since I'm with my dad then so she lives only 10 mins away.

When I'm at my mother's during week-ends she can come over as well, but during the week there isn't any time for that really, except on wednesday (although not for too long since she has been taking piano lessons for over 5 years now so she can't stop now because she'll get some sort of graduation soon) since it's about 45 mins to get to eachother by train.

Because of this we grew into this pattern of her sleeping over during weekends and such and seeing eachother on wednesday as well.

These are the boundaries of our time together, and we both feel the need to take advantage of the time we can have together so we're always together when we can because we can't see eachother during the week.

Because we've been together for quite some time now she knows my family and I know hers. Another thing that makes stuff more difficult.

She doesn't like it when I go out by myself because she thinks that some of my female friends have an above average intrest in me. So what it comes down to is that I can't go out unless she's with me. This is not such a big problem since I don't like it too much either if she goes out by herself, and when you're in a relationship I don't see it as a sacrifice to take eachother along if you're going out.

Anyway, a while ago, after my last exam, I went out with some friends without my gf and she got pretty upset because of that, to make a long story short: she called me and she heard one of the girls she suspects of having a crush on me talking to me and she got suspicious and so on and well, you can imagine...

That's when I started thinking.


The thing is, I just turned 17 on the 17th of december, and I feel that a 10-month relationship is a bit too long at this age.

I'm afraid that I'll look back on it later in life and regret it because I wasted my time in a way.

I don't believe in relationships lasting forever, and certainly not at this stage in life, and I don't want them to last forever either.

I can't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with the same person.

I feel that this is the age where I have to take advantage of life, and I'm afraid that if I don't enjoy it to the fullest now it'll be over before I know it.

I mean, now is the time that I can have just about any girl I want (sort of speak), but that won't be the case anymore when I'm like 35 or something.

I don't want to get more or less settled already.

I'm scared, I really am.

Because I know her family and she knows mine the bond gets even tighter and I don't feel like I'm in control anymore.

In the past when I didn't like a relationship anymore for whatever reason I just stopped it without any further consequences and problems but now I can't anymore because a lot of people are involved.

Also, my gf loves me a bit too much for her own good. I won't go into details but trust me on this one.

This also puts me under pressure not to break up with her if I wanted to, to some extent. I know it does, at least on a subconsious level.

I also miss the single life. I used to go out and have fun with any girl I liked, and now I can't anymore, which is fine and all but like I said before I think that this is the time in life when you can do that, so, from my point of view at least, you should do that so you won't feel like you missed out when stuff like that can't happen anymore.


I know it sounds incredibly shallow and all but please try to understand it for a second. It comes across like that at first but there are deeper meanings behind it.

I don't want to be in a serious relationship which will end sooner or later, and have 'wasted' my youth by doing so.



I feel like I'm in a plane right now, but my chute (being able to break up without any further problems around it) is missing, which is fine as long as everthing is alright but a plane can't stay in the air forever.


I hope that after reading this you can see past the fact that it comes across like I'm a maniac, but I don't know how else I could explain it all.


I don't know what I should do.

I don't have any reason to break up with my gf right now, everything is going great at the moment I'm writing this, but somehow I feel like I should and chose for the quick pain instead of the deathwalk I'm afraid it will become sooner or later and when my youth will be over.


It's really fucked up.


I don't want to lose her but on the other hand I want to be free again and don't have anybody to worry about or have a responsibility to except myself.


I feel happy in the relationship right now but I don't feel comfortable because I feel like time is ticking away and I don't have an emergency escape button sort of speak in case I would have reason to use it.


Am I making any sense at all?


 
FN Posted: Thu Dec 25 22:12:45 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Sorry for grammatical errors and such, I just started writing and this is what I came up with.


 
webmaster Posted: Thu Dec 25 22:52:06 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  'relationship' and 'emergency escape button' should not featured together. If they do, something, somewhere is wrong.

In every relationship, there are bound to be compromises. Seldom do you get the best of both worlds, because the relationship isn't just about you. You have to consider the other person too, and rarely do two persons' ideal relationship agree.

Of course it's everyone's wish to have the freedom to do whatever he/she wants, but you should never allow this wish to become an expectation.

What you seem to be looking for is a non-committal relationship. But with that, you will be getting even less than what you have now.

Can you can imagine her being your wife and the mother of your children for the rest of your life? If so, be thankful that she loves you so much.


 
iggy Posted: Fri Dec 26 00:11:05 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  christophe : I'm scared, I really am.

i think u already know what's wrong dude.

in a way u make sense, but in a way it doesn't
u're just afraid of your relationship to be "So this is it???"
my previous relationships used to last for a long 3 months before i split haha~
that pattern actually stopped ...

i believe u feel that you're still young (despite your maturity) and you've got an entire world to explore and still wondering about the 'other' possibilities.

well. i'm not gonna point the direction for you cos of accountability (on my part). you're mature enough to decide on where you should go.

the only thing i will offer you is this line which i read somewhere and which i told my close friend recently.

"we have 2 freedoms, the false where we are free to do what we desire; the true where we are free to do what we ought."

do what u feel is right for you and her. choose what is right for u and her.

u must always consider her in every decision u make cos it's only fair.

:)


 
Asswipe Posted: Fri Dec 26 03:40:38 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  lemme start this off by saying you're an idiot.

Christophe said:

>
>She doesn't like it when I go out by myself because she thinks that some of my female friends have an above average intrest in me. So what it comes down to is that I can't go out unless she's with me. This is not such a big problem since I don't like it too much either if she goes out by herself, and when you're in a relationship I don't see it as a sacrifice to take eachother along if you're going out.

this is very bad. You guys should not be inseperable. You need your own lives apart from one another. You to get out w/ just the boys and her w/ her lady friends. You need to talk to her about this and command her to trust you.



>
>The thing is, I just turned 17 on the 17th of december, and I feel that a 10-month relationship is a bit too long at this age.
>
>I'm afraid that I'll look back on it later in life and regret it because I wasted my time in a way.


If you like the girl, this is no reason to end it. You can still live your life to the fullest and do all that you want to do while having a girlfriend, shit will only be better w/ a girlfriend as long as you guys don't play the married couple routine. this goes back to trust and needing space. If you want to find something better out there because you're unhappy w/ certain aspects of this relationship that's a good reason to end it.

>
>I don't believe in relationships lasting forever, and certainly not at this stage in life, and I don't want them to last forever either.
>
>I can't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with the same person.
>
>I feel that this is the age where I have to take advantage of life, and I'm afraid that if I don't enjoy it to the fullest now it'll be over before I know it.

>
>I mean, now is the time that I can have just about any girl I want (sort of speak), but that won't be the case anymore when I'm like 35 or something.

gotta check your priorities, man. Ask what you want in a girl, and if this girl fits your requirements. You're hypocritical as shit. If you don't believe that relationships will last why havn't you given up dating?


>Because I know her family and she knows mine the bond gets even tighter and I don't feel like I'm in control anymore.
>
>In the past when I didn't like a relationship anymore for whatever reason I just stopped it without any further consequences and problems but now I can't anymore because a lot of people are involved.

don't think about your or her family, they don't matter in regards to your relationship.

>
>Also, my gf loves me a bit too much for her own good. I won't go into details but trust me on this one.

well, showing a lot of emotion for a person at 10 months is pretty normal. Again, sounds like you need seperate lives.

>
>This also puts me under pressure not to break up with her if I wanted to, to some extent. I know it does, at least on a subconsious level.

gotta think about # 1 man. Not hurting her is a shitty ass reason to not break up w/ her if its not a thing you want to be in. shit will only get shittier as the road goes on.


>
>I also miss the single life. I used to go out and have fun with any girl I liked, and now I can't anymore, which is fine and all but like I said before I think that this is the time in life when you can do that, so, from my point of view at least, you should do that so you won't feel like you missed out when stuff like that can't happen anymore.

i don't know what you mean by "having fun", but if its not sexual, your girl has no place to tell you not to do that. If its sexual shite you want, maybe its time for a change.


>
>I don't want to be in a serious relationship which will end sooner or later, and have 'wasted' my youth by doing so.

yeah, it will prolly end, but in order to trully be 100% w/ this girl you gotta feel like it won't. What's more fulfilling to you, spending time w/ a girl who you love or going out and banging random bitches? it could be either one, its up for you to decide.

you gotta stop thinking that these relationships are all that life is about. Being in one or not, it should have nothing to do w/ wasting one's youth.


>
>I don't want to lose her but on the other hand I want to be free again and don't have anybody to worry about or have a responsibility to except myself.

this shit's not about responsibilities, you're not taking care of a puppy here. She can take care of herself.


>
>I feel happy in the relationship right now but I don't feel comfortable because I feel like time is ticking away and I don't have an emergency escape button sort of speak in case I would have reason to use it.

you are not married to the girl. even if you were, you can still hit your escape button. all in all it sounds like you guys just need to be able to trust each other and you SHOULD do shit w/ your own friends.



 
antartica Posted: Fri Dec 26 05:42:37 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>Hmm
>
>It's 3:30 in the morning right now, on december the 26th of 2003.
>
>Can't sleep.
>
>These past 2-3 weeks have been hell.
>
>I keep on pondering about my relationship with my gf.
>
>We've been together for about 10 months now, which is a personal record.
>
>She sleeps over during week-ends and holidays and such, and during a normal week I only see her on wednesday.
>
>And that's where part of the problem starts.
>
>I live at my mother's place, but she lives in the city where my dad lives, that's why it isnt a problem to see her during week-ends since I'm with my dad then so she lives only 10 mins away.
>
>When I'm at my mother's during week-ends she can come over as well, but during the week there isn't any time for that really, except on wednesday (although not for too long since she has been taking piano lessons for over 5 years now so she can't stop now because she'll get some sort of graduation soon) since it's about 45 mins to get to eachother by train.
>
>Because of this we grew into this pattern of her sleeping over during weekends and such and seeing eachother on wednesday as well.
>
>These are the boundaries of our time together, and we both feel the need to take advantage of the time we can have together so we're always together when we can because we can't see eachother during the week.

you are really "together" as you say, there should be no boundaries, be it time or distance... lines are drawn by yourselves... so why draw them?

>Because we've been together for quite some time now she knows my family and I know hers. Another thing that makes stuff more difficult.

should make things better not diff...

>She doesn't like it when I go out by myself because she thinks that some of my female friends have an above average intrest in me. So what it comes down to is that I can't go out unless she's with me. This is not such a big problem since I don't like it too much either if she goes out by herself, and when you're in a relationship I don't see it as a sacrifice to take eachother along if you're going out.
>
>Anyway, a while ago, after my last exam, I went out with some friends without my gf and she got pretty upset because of that, to make a long story short: she called me and she heard one of the girls she suspects of having a crush on me talking to me and she got suspicious and so on and well, you can imagine...

dude... if you claim this to be a relationship... then the key word, or at least one of them is TRUST

no trust no go

>That's when I started thinking.
>
>
>The thing is, I just turned 17 on the 17th of december, and I feel that a 10-month relationship is a bit too long at this age.
>
>I'm afraid that I'll look back on it later in life and regret it because I wasted my time in a way.
>
>I don't believe in relationships lasting forever, and certainly not at this stage in life, and I don't want them to last forever either.
>
>I can't imagine having to spend the rest of my life with the same person.

dun worry about the forever part. we all gotta die one day...
just stating the facts...

>I feel that this is the age where I have to take advantage of life, and I'm afraid that if I don't enjoy it to the fullest now it'll be over before I know it.
>
>I mean, now is the time that I can have just about any girl I want (sort of speak), but that won't be the case anymore when I'm like 35 or something.
>
>I don't want to get more or less settled already.
>
>I'm scared, I really am.

fear reminds us that we are alive really... and you're right, 17 is young. think carefully about this. for all you know, she is your other half... then again live life.

>Because I know her family and she knows mine the bond gets even tighter and I don't feel like I'm in control anymore.
>
>In the past when I didn't like a relationship anymore for whatever reason I just stopped it without any further consequences and problems but now I can't anymore because a lot of people are involved.
>
>Also, my gf loves me a bit too much for her own good. I won't go into details but trust me on this one.

be lucky for that... just be happy that you've got someone who loves you that much... count your blessings before you have none to count

>This also puts me under pressure not to break up with her if I wanted to, to some extent. I know it does, at least on a subconsious level.
>
>I also miss the single life. I used to go out and have fun with any girl I liked, and now I can't anymore, which is fine and all but like I said before I think that this is the time in life when you can do that, so, from my point of view at least, you should do that so you won't feel like you missed out when stuff like that can't happen anymore.

be careful of what you wish for my friend...

>I know it sounds incredibly shallow and all but please try to understand it for a second. It comes across like that at first but there are deeper meanings behind it.
>
>I don't want to be in a serious relationship which will end sooner or later, and have 'wasted' my youth by doing so.

nothing is ever wasted and everything happens for a reason.
you will always come out of it alive but whether you live or not is up to you... how much of yourself inside you allow to die is up to you

>
>I feel like I'm in a plane right now, but my chute (being able to break up without any further problems around it) is missing, which is fine as long as everthing is alright but a plane can't stay in the air forever.

better than being a spare chute

>I hope that after reading this you can see past the fact that it comes across like I'm a maniac, but I don't know how else I could explain it all.

not realli... onli goes to prove we're all human still... and after all

>I don't know what I should do.
>
>I don't have any reason to break up with my gf right now, everything is going great at the moment I'm writing this, but somehow I feel like I should and chose for the quick pain instead of the deathwalk I'm afraid it will become sooner or later and when my youth will be over.

just enjoy the ride while it lasts. that doesn't mean that you should attempt to drive over a cliff or anything like that, but just ejnoy the ride... it could be the best you'll ever have, so have a good time while it's there

>It's really fucked up.
>
>
>I don't want to lose her but on the other hand I want to be free again and don't have anybody to worry about or have a responsibility to except myself.
>
>
>I feel happy in the relationship right now but I don't feel comfortable because I feel like time is ticking away and I don't have an emergency escape button sort of speak in case I would have reason to use it.

emergency escape button?
this is the only ride in this world that doesn't have an emergency stop... of all the roller coasters in the world... the "Ride Of Life" is the most exhilirating yet scariest... depends on how you look at it...

>Am I making any sense at all?

you are making sense yet contradicting at the same time. but when we are talking about matters of the heart, anything is possible...

lemme share something with you.
after you read this, you may feel that i dun deserve to advise...

got to know this girl
and before i even start anyting the real good mates all tell me to bail.

they say she's not for me
too complicated
too many secrets
too much baggage

but being the true friends they are, they are backing me up no matter what...

i am doing what my heart desires
and i am all out for it.

and even if i am unable to climb out of the wreckage. i know they'll be there to pull me out. not that i'm taking them for granted. in fact it's served as a reminder to me who my true friends are, and for those who know me well enough, i do not use the word "friend" lightly...

ok i digress, but you have to follow your heart.

i gave up the last one of 3 years because i followed my heart.
of course i regret. and there were more reasons than that for the split.
but i am still following my heart (to a certain extent. some of you reading this may laugh and scoff at me. but i have only 1 true desire...)

so follow your heart
and in the wise words of the Chanz'ters...

step 1. BREATHE
step 2. LIVE

geddit?


 
FN Posted: Fri Dec 26 06:55:03 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I know it can seem contradicting to say you don't believe in relationships lasting forever and being in one at the same time.

To me it isn't.

I just don't believe in that sort of thing, from both a scientific and my own point of view.

That doesn't mean I don't want to be in one though.

I think everybody at some point feels the 'urge' to be in a relationship.

It's always nice to be lying in your bed at night with somebody cuddled up by your side, or knowing that somebody cares.

She can go out with her gf's and such but not like clubbing, which is only reasonable I think. Same goes more or less for me but the problem is that when I go out or something most of the time it's almost never only with guys.

And yes there are boundaries, because outside of those boundaries we can't see eachother, so it's like we have to make sure we get every minute we can.


Also, when you're in a relationship, you do have responsibilities wether you want it or not.


The 'having fun' part can be anything you want it to be, flirting or more, whatever.


And no, I can't imagine her, or anyone for that matter, to be my wife/mother of my children. I couldn't imagine anybody like that. Probably because of my background and all but the last thing I'd ever want to do is get married/get children.


 
antartica Posted: Fri Dec 26 07:26:23 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>I know it can seem contradicting to say you don't believe in relationships lasting forever and being in one at the same time.
>
>To me it isn't.
>
>I just don't believe in that sort of thing, from both a scientific and my own point of view.
>
>That doesn't mean I don't want to be in one though.
>
>I think everybody at some point feels the 'urge' to be in a relationship.
>
>It's always nice to be lying in your bed at night with somebody cuddled up by your side, or knowing that somebody cares.
>
>She can go out with her gf's and such but not like clubbing, which is only reasonable I think. Same goes more or less for me but the problem is that when I go out or something most of the time it's almost never only with guys.
>
>And yes there are boundaries, because outside of those boundaries we can't see eachother, so it's like we have to make sure we get every minute we can.
>
>
>Also, when you're in a relationship, you do have responsibilities wether you want it or not.
>
>
>The 'having fun' part can be anything you want it to be, flirting or more, whatever.
>
>
>And no, I can't imagine her, or anyone for that matter, to be my wife/mother of my children. I couldn't imagine anybody like that. Probably because of my background and all but the last thing I'd ever want to do is get married/get children.

dude...
take it slow and easy
i'm not all much older than ya are, but old enough and seen enough of this relationship nonsense, and being in a weird one myself to say this

you are still young and have all the time in the world

you're at an age where you still beleive that you will never die

and in time your perception on some things will change

so like i said, enjoy the ride while it lasts... and how long it lasts, sometimes you dictate it, sometimes it dictates you... but enjoy it nontheless...




 
antartica Posted: Fri Dec 26 08:10:13 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>She can go out with her gf's and such but not like clubbing, which is only reasonable I think. Same goes more or less for me but the problem is that when I go out or something most of the time it's almost never only with guys.

not realli
i go clubbing a lot as well
but i let her know my movements and she's comfortable... and of course it's all about trust...

we trust each other
we don't trust ourselves...


 
ifihadahif Posted: Fri Dec 26 12:55:35 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  it seems to me that you are missing out on the fact that when you are in a truly meaningful relationship that it only serves to make your life experience all the richer for it.
if you really think you're "missing out on something" because you're in an exclusive relationship, then you miss the whole point.
what if you get to 35yrs old with a string of wasted relationships behind you and nothing serious to build on ? then you will have truly wasted your youth.

and you said you'll never have a boss LOL


 
Malik Posted: Fri Dec 26 22:16:04 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I really don't have much advice (that would actually be benefical) for ya man, 'cause I don't have much experience with maintaining relationships. My problem seems to be _getting_ relationships; once I reach that phase, I can give you some words of wisdom. :P

But I just wanna say that I'll be thinkin' about you, and if you just need somebody to bitch to, just give me a yell. :)


 
marsi Posted: Sun Dec 28 05:34:04 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ifihadahif said:
>it seems to me that you are missing out on the fact that when you are in a truly meaningful relationship that it only serves to make your life experience all the richer for it.
>if you really think you're "missing out on something" because you're in an exclusive relationship, then you miss the whole point.
>what if you get to 35yrs old with a string of wasted relationships behind you and nothing serious to build on ? then you will have truly wasted your youth.

couldn't said it better


 
antartica Posted: Mon Dec 29 03:38:20 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ifihadahif said:
>and you said you'll never have a boss LOL

LMAO!!!
or so he thinks!


 
socialyD Posted: Mon Dec 29 11:14:48 2003 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Take some time off to think about your relationship. My boyfriend did this to me once it hurt like hell but about twelve hours later he realized that he couldn't be without me. In the end it made us stronger.


 



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