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chanz's idiotic shit again.
iggy Posted: Mon Jan 5 21:29:17 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!


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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!




 
iggy Posted: Mon Jan 5 21:31:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Practical Joke

There's nothing more satisfying than a well planned and executed practical joke on your best buddy. Just the sheer simplicity of a practical joke and the pending mayhem is so rewarding. But please keep in mind some people handle a good practical joke better than others, so attempt these at your own risk. We aren't going to be shelling out the deductible on your health insurance claim because someone clocked you on account of a practical joke you got from us!




1)Ride Damage Survey
This practical joke is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck, whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin. You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt. This one can done from afar so that you can watch the owner of the survey for damage rather than you helping out, can be even more hilarious.




2)I Didn't Type That!
Microsoft Word and most likely a bunch of other word processing programs now come with something called "AutoCorrect". When a common misspelling is made, it checks a list for it, and makes the corresponding correction. Example, it would change "adn" to "and". The magic of this is that it is user editable! Hop onto your co-workers workstation, load up their word processor's AutoCorrect list, and let your imagination run rampant. First start with the small, but most aggravating ones by reversing what is already in the list, change the corrections to the misspellings! Then move to even more humorous stuff like company acronyms, people's names, it's endless! Then watch to see how long it takes before they switch the blame from their own typing, to the word processor, and eventually to their sick minded co-worker... you!




3)Declined Funds

Superglue a quarter to the ground in front of a vending machine. Only time-lapse photography could truly show the ingeniousness of such a practical joke, but sticking around for an hour gives you a pretty good idea of how cheap people really are.


4)Dry This

Park your car on a the street facing traffic, using a dark colour late model domestic sedan adds to the authenticity of this prank. Wear dark clothes and wear sunglasses and hold a hair dryer out the window and watch in delight as car come squealing to a halt as they pass you.



5)Flash Gordon

In countries that use speed cameras, park your car on the side of the road at night, preferably somewhere you can hide well. As cars pass you, take pictures with your camera, the flash will lead the drivers to believe they have just been caught speeding. Watch the glow of red lights as they slow down after realizing they just got a ticket for speeding. Too bad you can't be there to witness the months of anxiety waiting for the non-existent traffic violation to arrive by mail to all these "speeding" drivers.


6)Chalk Burn

Teacher or professor giving you a hard time? Grab their blackboard chalk and drill a small hole straight down from the writing end, insert a match, and fill the hole with a blend of chalk dust and glue. Put the chalk back and watch the panic when smokes starts to spew!


7)Show Your Colours

Place a "Gay Pride" sticker on your homophobic buddy's car. The joke only gets more amusing the longer the person doesn't realize it is there. This works great for people that reverse into parking spots and tend not to walk around the back of their car.





 
iggy Posted: Mon Jan 5 21:32:41 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Autopsy Details

Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy, the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.


WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.

WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact, surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before cessation of your existence or the procedure.

WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable, please feel free to alert the pathologist.

WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done, you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs containers from medications you might have ingested.

WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.

WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that can be covered by a competent professional.

WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism. Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.

We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect (aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures "Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more information.

Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!





 
iggy Posted: Mon Jan 5 21:34:08 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Dear Santa...

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbours. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.

Sincerely,

Little Johnny




 
iggy Posted: Mon Jan 5 21:36:38 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."




 
Malik Posted: Mon Jan 5 23:30:17 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Heh, I liked the first one. I didn't realize that it wasn't real until the fourth or so one. :)


 
iggy Posted: Sun Jan 11 21:05:12 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
 
http://hermes.lincolnu.edu/~focal/scripts/mallacht.htm


Directions: Select one item from each of the boxes below and click on the "Mallacht" button to generate your curse in Irish.


English: May the hounds of hell soil your manly part.
Irish: Go salaí cúnna ifrinn do bhall fearga.

Phonetic: guh SAH-lee KOO-nuh IHF-rin duh WAHL FA-ruh-guh.




 



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