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have a laugh
antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:39:59 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean.

So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:42:02 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Wrestling Match

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbed the American and wrapped him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands -- he knew all was lost. He couldn't even watch the ending. Suddenly, there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to watch the Russian flying up in the air.

The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "that finished him off, did it?"

"No, but you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own testicles!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:44:07 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Trip To The Zoo

One day, two ladies go to the zoo. As they walk by the monkey house, a gorilla reaches out and grabs one of the ladies.
He pulls her into the cage and starts to hump her. The second lady rushes off and summons help to rescue her friend.

A few days later, the second lady visits her friend in the hospital. When she sees her in a hospital bed, she asks, "How are you feeling? Are you hurt?"

Her friend replies, "Of course I'm hurt, it's been two days and he hasn't called or anything!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:44:33 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Career Choice

An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.

Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:45:03 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Forgetful Bartender

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:46:27 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What Is It Now?

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam asked, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam asked, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam asked, "What's a river?"

God explained it to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."

Adam asked, "What is a hill?"

So God explained that to Adam too.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam asked, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam asked, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him too.

Then God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam asked, "How do I do that?"

God said "Geez..." under his breath and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.

So Adam went down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and found the woman.

Then in about five minutes, he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?"

Adam asked, "What's a headache?"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:47:14 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Donating Body Fluids

October 28th, 2003 (No.1516) Rates This Joke: 8/10

A man and a woman are waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're giving me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm. But they're paying me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:48:36 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman has a new route in the hot, dry, southwestern part of the country. After a particularly grueling week, he stops in a neighborhood tavern and tells the bartender that he needs a cold beer, a hot shower and the local whore.
The bartender replies, "Well, I can set you up with the cold beer. The hot shower you can get at the motel up the road. But as far as a local whore is concerned, all we have is ol' Harry at the end of the bar."

The salesman looks at the guy sitting at the last stool and says, "No thanks, I'm not into that kinda stuff."

The next week, the salesman stops in the bar again and asks for a cold beer, a hot shower and the local whore. The bartender answers the same, and points out ol' Harry as a way to satisfy the salesman's last request. The salesman looks over at Harry and again says, "Nah, I'm not into that kinda stuff."

Well, after about 10 weeks of the same requests and the same answers, the salesman starts to think about ol' Harry and leans over to the bartender and asks, "Listen, if I decide to hook up with Harry, how many people are going to know about it?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and answers, "I figure, five."

"Five!?!" exclaims the salesman. "Who's the five?"

The bartender replies, "Well you, me, ol' Harry, and the two guys that'll have to hold him down on the bed. You see, Harry's not into that kinda stuff, either!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:49:57 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  

At a crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.
"Thank God," he cried out in relief. "I'm saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock after seeing the pile of human bones beside the lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his own head in shame.

"You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:52:40 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Secret Recipe

An old tough cowboy once told his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously and lived to be 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:57:31 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Men's Bumper Stickers

Chauvinism: A word invented by women who don't know their place in the world.
Women are only good for two things... and some don't clean the house that well.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

How do you fix the dishwasher? Yell at her.

Good girls are bad girls who never get caught.

Friends don't let friends bring ugly women home with them.

Leg check 50 feet. Please raise skirt!

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:58:07 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Three Bulls

There were three bulls standing in the field one day. The largest of the three asked the others, "Hey, did you hear that the farmer is bringing in a new bull today?"
To which the smallest replied, "Yeah, I heard he's the biggest, meanest bull in the county. He'll probably take all my cows away from me."

The medium-sized bull agreed, "He's mean all right. He'll probably take at least half my cows away."

The biggest bull snorted and said, "He's not taking any of my cows. I'll fight him first!"

About that time, the farmer's truck pulled into the field. The back gate crashed open and out charged the biggest, maddest bull any of them had ever seen. He immediately began pawing the ground with his hoof, snorting and slinging his head around so everyone could see how huge his horns were.

The largest of the first three bulls was the first to speak, with a little tremor in his voice, "I don't think I've ever seen such a huge bull -- he'll probably take half my cows whether I want him to or not!"

The medium bull said, "He'll no doubt take all my cows, I don't have a chance."

The smallest bull thought for a moment, then began slinging his head about wildly, pawing the ground as if to challenge the new bull to a fight. His two friends couldn't believe their eyes!

"What are you doing?" they asked, "he's going to come over here and clobber you!"

"That's okay," replied the smallest bull, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'm a bull!"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:58:32 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 10 Things Not To Say To Her Parents

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:58:57 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Legend Of The Christmas Tree Angel

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys and were threatening to go on strike.
The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:59:28 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 10 Signs You Got A Bad Xmas Tree

10. It's two feet tall and 40 feet wide.
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck to it.
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
6. Each branch has a "Duraflame" sign printed on it.
5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top 10 list.
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
2. Some guy named Mujibur put a cheap Statue of Liberty trinket on top of it.
1. It's constantly bragging about its "trunk size."

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 01:59:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 8 Signs You're Burned Out

8- You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell..."

7- Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

6- You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

5- You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

4- Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

3- You sleep more at work than at home.

2- You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

1- You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 02:01:14 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  16 Deep Thoughts

1. Life is sexually transmitted.
2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
7. If God wanted us to touch our toes, he would have put them on our knees.
8. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
9. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.
10. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
11. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
12. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
13. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
14. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
16. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 02:01:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Signs The 2000s Are Getting To You

1- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3- You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.

4- Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

5- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

6- The concept of using real money instead of credit to make a purchase is foreign to you.

7- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back, "What's for dinner?"

8- Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 02:02:24 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Words Of Wisdom In The War Against Heart Attacks

For those of us who watch what we eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

antartica Posted: Thu Jan 15 02:12:34 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."

4. In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes... Sit! Stay!"

5. At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

6. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7. In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8. Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

10. In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Malik Posted: Thu Jan 15 20:51:42 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  *starts a vote for the longest post without actually having any replies on this one*

But seriously, some of those were pretty funny.

antartica Posted: Fri Jan 16 00:34:28 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Malik said:
>*starts a vote for the longest post without actually having any replies on this one*
>But seriously, some of those were pretty funny.

was bored at work and was reading sum jokes n tot i'd share =)

mat_j Posted: Sat Jan 17 23:23:07 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Great stuff Ant


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