|more silly stuff
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 02:58:35 2004
Quote in Reply
||Top 40 Things To Do At A Bowling Alley
1. Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior
until forcefully thrown out.
2. When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a
Black Panther conspiracy.
3. Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics
then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
4. Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
5. Wear Golf Shoes.
6. Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
7. Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high
technology used in bowling.
8. Play bocci with extra lane balls
9. Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about
10. Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head
and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
11. Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
12. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain
about how your hook is off.
13. Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
14. Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
15. Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is
16. Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of
candles on every lane except yours.
17. Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
18. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
19. Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away
mumbling "how bad things happen"
20. Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
21. Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream
22. Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
23. Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
24. Rent all the shoes, eat them
25. Blatenly UNderscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
26. When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
27. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame
28. Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
29. Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
30. SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
31. Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
32. Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on
the sins of bowling
33. Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how
great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
34. Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
35. Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
36. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
37. Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar
38. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee.
Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize:
$10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A
coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave
39. Or Cancel the whole thing.
40. Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:07:14 2004
Quote in Reply
||40 things to say if you are a suicide hotline operator
1 Can you hurry up please? My shift is about to end
2 Oh man! We just lost another one! What were you saying?
3 Your voice sounds familiar - am I sleeping with your wife?
4 I'm sorry, I wasn't listening... could you please start over again?
5 Gee. And I thought my life sucked!
6 Hold please!
7 For only $19.95, you can upgrade to our platinum service.
8 Yeah, I think you should go for it!
9 You have a really sexy voice. Keep talking. You're turning me on
10 Look, if you do go through with it - can I have your car?
11 He'll only be president for 4 more years
12 I heard they were making 'Battlefield Earth 2'.
13 If you were REALLY serious, you'd slit your wrists lengthwise.
14 *bzzz* All circuits are busy now, please call again later.
15 Dude, that's nothing compared to what this other guy went through yesterday
16 I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I'm realy just the janitor . . .
17 I'm sorry, I truly don't care
18 Like I care?
19 You know, suicide is an unredeemable sin, god hates you for thinking of it!
20 You won't really do it! if you wanted to do it, you would have never called me
21 Dude, you suck. *click*
22 Is that your final answer?
23 Just start up another dot com...really!
24 You want fries with that?
25 have fun
26 Of COURSE you're depressed. This is because you're inferior.
27 Why haven't you done it so far? No! I mean what motivation -- Hello? Hello?
28 Wrong number this is..uhhh...912
29 I don't think you have the guts to jump!
30 Who gives a sh*t. I'm outta here.
31 Wrong Number!
32 You're not a midget are you? You sound like an angry little midget.
33 (computer voice) Special deal! 15% off on your copy of "Suicide for Dummies"
34 Your mom just called 15 minutes ago but it looks like we lost her.
35 Did you see what happened to the NASDAQ today?
36 Hang on a second. Beer Break...
37 I sold all my NASDAQ stock when it hit 5000!
38 Suck it! Don't make me come over their and cheer you up with my fist
39 Come on, if it works for Bob Dole it can work for you
40 If hitler can do it, SO CAN YOU!!!
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:17:32 2004
Quote in Reply
||Things Not To Say to Police Officers:
1. Are you Andy or Barney?
2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
5. I pay your salary!
6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
11. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:21:15 2004
Quote in Reply
||20 Sayings We'd Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:27:18 2004
Quote in Reply
||Subject: 90 Things NOT to say during sex.
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned : this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:29:27 2004
Quote in Reply
||Subject: The Top 10 Annoying Things To Do In A Movie Theater:
10) Start the Wave.
9) Pretend to be Siskel of "Siskel and Ebert" and make people to move out of their seats so you can better review the movie.
8) Watch any "Ernest" movie in its entirety...shouting the whole time "That boy is dang funny!"
7) Hold a Junior Mints Spitting For Distance Contest
6) Roll eggs from the back row and see if you can have one make it all the way down...unbroken!
5) When the movie screen shows you where the emergency exits are...run screaming down the aisle "Ain't no way in hell I am going to be last this time!"
4) Shout "WHOOP, THERE HE IS" everytime the killer is on screen.
3) Buy a box of Whoppers, sit down, eat some and then read the calorie count on the side of the box as if it was the most EARTH SHATTERING piece of news you have ever heard.
2) Place a tape player under a seat in the back row....play the tapeyou made of you and your ex-girlfriend having sex....on about 10.
1) Right during a explosion scene, set off your own fireworks and then stand up and tell everyone around you: DAMN..THAT SURROUND SOUND IS GOOD!!!
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:29:54 2004
Quote in Reply
|| 25 Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral:
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
||Posted: Fri Jan 16 03:35:04 2004
Quote in Reply
||Top 10 reasons for being French.
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even though you're not
Top 10 reasons for being American.
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
11. When you're not
12. At all
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being English.
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh
11. Or Scottish
Top 10 reasons for being Italian.
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being German.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
Top 10 reasons for being Welsh.
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?
Top 10 reasons for being Irish.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 reasons for being Canadian.
1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Australian.
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, even though you don't understand the rules either
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drinking some cold lager on the beach
||Posted: Sat Jan 17 23:35:59 2004
Quote in Reply
||Top 10 reasons for being Welsh.
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?
ok then i'll make my own list
1. You'll be better at walking up hill than anyone in the world
2. Elvis is of welsh descent
3. Clearing your throat is fine in public
4. School is something you do when you need to sell some pot between car crimes
5. Licence to be smug
6. You'll end up a good loser after a while
7. The Patagonian empire
8. Kylie is of wlesh descent
9. If you go to Oxford you'll automatically be the toughest person there
10. We ahve 50% of the claim to Bob Marley
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