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Chanz making fun of religion!
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:46:36 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Quotes About Religion

To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. --Woody Allen

Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. --Ambrose Bierce

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. --Reverend Chichester

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" --Quentin Crisp

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? --Jules Feiffer

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. --Butch Hancock

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. --Andrew Lias

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. --Dr J D McCoughey

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. --H.L. Mencken

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. --Emo Phillips

She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really swear every time the dice caught fire... --Terry Pratchett, "Only You Can Save Mankind"

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. --Unknown

I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. --Unknown

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. --Unknown




 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:48:09 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Excuses Given by the Guards at the Jesus's Tomb

* "I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when I tried to give him a tip!"

* "I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"

* "With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens."

* "Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form and direct you to Burial Services."

* "As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of 'escape', we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"

* "We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"

* "You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how. We did! May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?

* "All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!"

* "Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of God?--NOOOOOOOOO"

* "What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"




 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:50:13 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  God vs Environmentalists

God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would turn the light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before...

At this point God created Hell.




 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:53:50 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Handy Ecclesiastical Dictionary

Baptistry
A church's swimming pool. Designed by a finance committee with a concern for cutting costs.

Blind Faith
Obsolete phrase meaning visually challenged faith.

Burnout
When clergy start preaching from the telephone book. The result of extreme overwork or excessive stress. Hiding the telephone book is not a sufficient treatment.

Camping
A specialized ministry traditionally offered in the summertime. Often directed at young people. Theologically, it has the potential to teach valuable lessons about the Israelites' 40 years in the wilderness. This is usually thwarted by the tendency of churches to place their camps in swamps, rather than deserts.

Candlelight Services
A time when otherwise sensible choirs wander around in darkened churches singing with fire in their hands. Not surprisingly, this has been known to affect the quality of music.

Canon Law
An ancient arms limitation treaty.

Cassock
Short for "clergy hassock". A robe that makes the wearer look like a small, round, over-stuffed footrest.

Choir Gown
Robes worn by all choir members, designed to look equally ill-fitting on everyone. Generally colour-coordinated with previous church carpeting.

Evensong
A song with a meter which can be divided by two. The alternatives is "unevensong", which should not be used for processionals.

Gargoyle
An extremely ugly statue on a church building. In medieval times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they are intend to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil spirits has not yet been determined.

God
(n) The Greatest User Of Capital Letters.

Guilt
A sixth human sense, faithfully instilled in children by parents and in congregations by the clergy, for centuries. If functioning properly, it may not prevent people from sinning, but it will prevent them from enjoying it.

Joint Services
(1) Worship in a ramshackle building. (2) Worship with illicit substances. Subject to police raids. (3) Worship with another congregation or denomination. In some people's eyes, this is morally worse than #2.

Leap of Faith
Bungee jumping with a Bible.

Missionary Tea
Steep a missionary in boiling water for two minutes. Remove and add lemon or milk to taste.

Offertory
Ritual sacrifice of a member of the Conservative party. Now restricted to Parliament.

Organ Fund
Money being raised for a transplant. Fund is often not established until long after the organ in question is in a terminal condition.

Original Sin
A bad deed that no one else has thought of. There are few of these anymore since most bad things have been tried over the history of humanity. If you come up with an original sin, you should consider patenting it.

Overhead Projector
A teaching aid which has become a great labour-saving device. It takes material which is clear and transparent and then ensures that it goes over everyone's head. Theologians used to take years to learn to do this.

Pall Bearer
St. Paul's mother.

Pew
Ancient device of torture, developed to make people wish they had to stand through worship, as in early centuries.

Pledge Cards
Little pieces of paper used for dusting pews. Some are called "Lemon Pledge Cards".

Psalter
A device for sprinkling Psalt on pstews, psteaks, and psandwiches.

Redeemed
What happens to coupons and Christians. Christians are rarely 50% off.

Slam Dunk
A rough baptism.

Stained Glass Windows
Colourful glass set into attractive patterns. When installed in a church, these prevent a congregation from gazing out the window during the sermon without having to use shutters. Some have pictures, which depict people long dead (usually from the Bible) under which are the names of different people, who died more recently. For some reason, this never confuses as many people as it should.

Temptation
Something you want to do but know you shouldn't. See Sin. Actually, don't see Sin since sin sometimes leads to temptation.

Vestments
Small, white mints kept in the vest pockets of grandfathers in the church. A traditional bribe to keep children quiet during a sermon.

White Elephant Sale
A fundraiser, now defunct due to the international ban on the ivory trade.

Women's Groups
The source of all power in the church.




 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:54:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  How To Be A Cultist

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.

2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.

3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight-- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.

5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.

6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.

7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.

8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

9. Don't gloat.

10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.

11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(es) to die slowly. They don't.

12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.

13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early-- they hate that.

14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.

15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.

16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.

17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.

18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."

20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.

21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.

22. Never play strip Tarot.

23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.

24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.




 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:56:49 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Lost Diary of Noah

425 b.c. Day One

Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to "straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and on...) So, off to bed...

425 b.c. Day Three

Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean, I'll be in business.
Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.

425 b.c. Day Seven

Dear Diary,
Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.

425 b.c. Day Seventeen

Dear Diary,
God decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts and berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.

425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two

Dear Diary,
Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns. This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. God has helped the situation somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of "What are they doing to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal thongs.

425 b.c., Day Thirty

Dear Diary,
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port bow excited animals into thinking that God had sent it to destroy me and my family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night has a thousand phantoms that torment my soul.

425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight

Dear Diary,
I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walkd over to where Sondra and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with him! God, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she digs guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see "Wild One" something like twenty jillion times? She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha know...) So now she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines because my old ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the drive-in, so....

425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine

Dear Diary,
Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read yesterday's entry, thought someone else had written it. Had vision of strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope; God has forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the animals out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.




 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 00:59:29 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If Written By College Students

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.

Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.


 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 01:01:45 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  if anyone asks me to reference all that, i will give u the RESISTANCE salute!


......................//)
....................,/../
.................../..../
.............//'...'/`
........../'/.../..../......./
........('(.......... ~/'...')
..........................'.../
..........''............. _.
..........................(
...............................

VIVA LE RESISTANCE!



 
iggy Posted: Fri Jan 30 01:08:02 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  oh yeah i forgot something.

that shit is copyrighted by the Resistance!

which shit? i show ya again
this shit here

......................//)
....................,/../
.................../..../
.............//'...'/`
........../'/.../..../......./
........('(.......... ~/'...')
..........................'.../
..........''............. _.
..........................(
...............................

VIVA LE RESISTANCE!


copyright 2004.
the resistance.



 
Malik Posted: Fri Jan 30 01:28:34 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Nice... I liked the first part of the quotes


 
novemberrain Posted: Fri Jan 30 08:11:43 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Pastor photographs porn shop customers' cars

If there's one sure way to get people to go church and be saved, it's to shame them into it. That's the technique Pastor Jim Norwood of Kennedale, Texas is using on the wayward souls in his town. He's been photographing customers' cars outside the local porn emporium. Then he mails the fallen a note inviting them to come to church, along with a photo of their car parked on the forbidden grounds. Here's what the note says: "Observed you in the neighborhood. Didn't know if you were aware there is a church in the area. Please stop by next time. We'd love to have you visit." Along with a note is a timetable of church services.


Pastor, got your note. They're having a sale at the XXX. Why not stop in? They'd love to have you visit.


 
addi Posted: Fri Jan 30 08:31:21 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  novrain said:
>Pastor photographs porn shop customers' cars


I didn't know. Really! I thought the XXX meant it was a clothing store for big and tall men


 
novemberrain Posted: Fri Jan 30 10:29:26 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>novrain said:
>>Pastor photographs porn shop customers' cars
>
>
>I didn't know. Really! I thought the XXX meant it was a clothing store for big and tall men

sure, addi....sure ya did:)


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Feb 1 21:40:33 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Chanz and his randominiums, always a chuckle


 



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