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The expansion theory
iggy Posted: Wed Feb 11 22:33:24 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Something interesting i read online.

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The Expansion Theory And You

written by Ronin - septenber 30 - 2003

We are subject to what I've come to call 'the expansion curse'.

Life is a cycle. Cyclical movements in theory take the form of a circle, but mathematicians tell us it is very rare to find a 'perfect circle' in nature (the band rocks my ass tho). So, this would lead the logical assumptive types among us state that in the absence of a circle, the default is a more oblong orbit of life around defaulted events. You could also argue that there are hidden variables which can affect this orbit at sudden and unexpected intervals. This is why life is so unpredictable and at times trying.

Although the above theory is supported by numerous psychological and metaphysical texts, the wording and metaphors are solely my own, and created for the sole intention of this post. So let's assume the above theory is law. The Expansion Curse is an addendum to the law. The EC, as I will refer to it henceforth, is the third dimension to the very two dimensional law above. How does the EC work? The following is a simplistic life cycle. Included are the only variables you can expect, and in some cases (like in the case of rock stars and RIAA executives, if I ever get my hands on one) even the 'Middle Age' variable is suspect.



Birth and Death are understood as the alpha and omega variables, and as I mentioned there are many other variables in-between which work to influence the current iteration of the cycle. The variables that occur depend on of any number of things (such as upbringing, personality, and most often, the hated specter of random chance). This is all stuff that is understood as a part of living with the Human Condition, so I'm beating a dead dog here. But it's always good to freshly cover the basics before moving on to some of the more esoteric (insanely loopy) of theories. The following is an overlay of the aforementioned Expansion Curse.



As I mentioned before, this orbit is the third dimension to the life cycle and I suspect is what gave rise to the phrase 'Life's a bitch, then you die'. Let's examine the sticking points of the orbit:

Emotional Limbo

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This is the point at which a person will reside within their normal disposition. For instance, I am a happy guy at heart. During emotional limbo, I go about my business in a grudgingly cheery way. You all know what your emotional limbo phase is like. This is how you feel in the middle of the work week. It's Wednesday at noon. It's the middle of the lunch hour. It's knowing that the waitress is coming back to the table in 3 minutes with your beer and your wings. You've got some stuff behind you, and you're dozing through the now, half-anticipating the future.

Elation

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Self explanatory. The game winning touchdown. The orgasm. Winning a new car. It's the bright flash in the pan that's fading almost the millisecond it happens. I guess the quintessential explanation is the short time span between the firework going off and the 'Oooooooooooh' from the crowd.

Normalization

-----------------------------------

Here, you have the drive home from vacation. It's been a hell of a ride, and you enjoyed every second. You've got pictures, you've got memories, you've got bruises. But you had a great time. Here in lies the span of time that most people would WISH to be their emotional limbo. Everyone wants to exist in the afterglow, but it's impossible. Jason Lee said it best when he said in a drunken goodbye - "Just remember: the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter, baby." Or something. I'm anticipating the hate mail now - "You destroyed a Jason Lee quote, you f'ing hack. May you rot in hell along side Vinnie Diesel and Joan Rivers in the near future." to which I will reply 'Thank you. Letters like that let me know I'm doing my job. Please keep reading my slop so I can continue to offend you. Much love.'

But I digress.

Sharp Drop-Off

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Here is the crash, the general but comfortable slide into the bottle and out of that itchy tie. It didn't go your way, you spilled coffee on your boss's wife and you banged the mailroom chick in an egg nog-fueled fit of lust. Yeah, the ugly one. You know you gotta go in tomorrow and get pinked. You know it's coming. You're trying to have humor about it by popping in a comedy, but the only thing in your stale VHS collection that's making you laugh is Peter Berg's 'Very Bad Things'. This is the general, out-and-out, 'you are a savage schlep rock' feeling in the pit of your stomach. And that's exactly when your mother/ex/telemarketer of the week calls. So you let them have it. And well. And after you slam the phone down, you realize your face has been infected with a funny little grin. Before long, you've got the funny idea in your head that life might be fucked up, but that's okay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now in most cases, the EC is a fairly healthy progression of the Human Condition, at least as far as the day-to-day goes. What happens, however when the EC is affecting your progress as an individual? What do you do when your particular EC affects your life orbit in such a way as to make your progression in life very, very slowly spiral upwards instead of a gradual upward curve?





See what I mean? What are you supposed to do with that? How are you supposed to feel when the asshole that picked on you in middle school is making 6 figures and banging your first crush, meanwhile you're buying your groceries at the same place you put gas in your car? Here's the thing: I've had enough. Let's strike back at the system. My three step program will start putting some levity back where it counts: in the lives of people who deserve it.

Levity Point 1 - Don't be afraid to tell people to fuck off.

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Your boss is fucking you in the ass with all the work he's piling on you. You're working your goddamn ass off. And you're thinking hard all the while about what it would be like to bust him over the head with a strategically planned swing of your stapler in your sock as he walks past. But dreams rarely come true and you know that. Just as you're beginning to second guess your resolve, he snaps his fingers at you and tells you to stop daydreaming like a stoner and get cracking.

What do you do?

a) Reserve comment, get cracking.

b) Ask to see him later on in the afternoon in a private conference.

c) Report to his senior.

If you picked any of the above, you've been brainwashed well by the corporate structure. C'mon! You've already got the sock ready! Bust him one right in the middle of his large forehead and drag him in his office. When he comes to, tell him that he was in the middle of giving you the day off when he tripped and hit his head on the corner of his desk. Give him an ice pack and tell him you'll see him tomorrow. Laugh all the way home and take that free time to so something nice for yourself. Like look for a new job. Don't take shit from anyone, that's key.

Levity Point 2 - Fuck with the sheep.

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Let's face it. A lot of Americans these days are faceless sheep. The get up, they work, they go home, they beat their children, and then fall asleep watching 'reality' television. So when you're all gathered around the watercooler/tanning salon/marble hewn altar and everyone is talking about what happened on 'Joe Schmoe: Gimmie My 15 Minutes, Biotch' or 'Suvivor 12: New York Sewers', join in with this:

'Hahahaha, yeah that's crazy. Last night, I watched all the tape of the 9/11 newscasts. Man, now that was gripping reality television. And can you believe that Giuliani guy? Whatta charmer. I was really rooting for him, and I think that it's extremely cool that he didn't get booted off the island. But that Hillary Clinton bitch has gotta go.'

And then just walk away. Don't talk to them for the rest of the week, and start putting American flags all over everything you own. I don't mean one, I mean get one of those cell phone covers that is all Old Glory'd out and change your ringer to 'Proud To Be An American'. You know, not just to fuck with them, but to throw Homeland Security off your trail.

Or your ex called you. Why'd you talk to them? Next time, act like you just got home from Taco Bell and you're trying (with difficulty) to take a shit. Telemarketers calling you? Trust me, I used to be one, and there's nothing they like MORE than being fucked with. It livens up their day. Star 67 is your friend and should be added as a prefix before all the phone numbers in your celly.

Levity Point 3 - Don't sweat the small stuff.

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Granny driving too slow? Run her blue haired ass off the road. She won't notice until her Fixodent starts to wear off, anyway. Cop giving you static? Refuse to turn your music down. He can't do shit but look all constipated and shout some bullshit legal eagle junk at you. Install Tetris on all the office computers, you will be a God. Test drive cars you will never afford. Tell chicks at the bar that you never sleep with someone on the first date, and that you'd never date them. RIP THOSE GODDAMN TAGS OFF YOUR MATTRESS. Stop watching television. Run down the middle of the road during the afternoon commute, because it's your turn to start the traffic jam. Take a boombox outside and shoot hoops to the theme from Thundercats looped over and over. Do what you want and do it when you want. Fuck social morays and 'that's not very nice'. The world doesn't play fair, why in the bloody hell should you? Whenever someone tries to tell you 'Why are you doing this stuff? You aren't special. Don't you realize you're just a tiny speck in the universe?' Don't jump up, salute, and yell the American party line 'CUZ I'M AN ARMY OF ONE!!!!!!!'. That's called being a social lemming. Here's what you do.

1) Stand up or move in the general vicinity of that person very quickly

2) Very slowly invade their personal space by moving your face extremely close to theirs while NOT looking them in the eyes

3) Begin saying very quietly: "I enjoy living in the afterglow. I enjoy my elation. I will not let my Expansion Curse master me." (Be sure to enunciate!)

4) Repeat over and over (never looking at them) gradually getting louder and louder, but not shouting until they run screaming from the room

5) Help yourself to whatever personal effects they leave laying around

6) Sell them on E-Bay to further finance your efforts

Okay, I know at first it will sound a little.....uh, batshit crazy. But trust me, after the first few times you put the Levity Points into effect, people will begin to understand that you're enjoying your life. And Iíll be damned if a few won't take you off to the side and ask you 'how you do it'. To which you can tell them, or you can just slap them across the face viciously and ask innocently 'Do what?'. Completely up to you. But it's very simple to be a happier you. I've outlined it very succinctly for you all here. You just have to enjoy the afterglow. Enjoy your elation. Don't let your Expansion Curse master you.

Enjoy the afterglow.

Enjoy your elation.

Don't let your Expansion Curse master you.

ENJOYTHEAFTERGLOWENJOYYOURELATION
DONTLETYOUREXPANSIONCURSEMASTERYOU



 
simonvii Posted: Wed Feb 11 23:33:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  im sorry man, i lost you at "the band rocks my ass tho"....(however, they rock mine as well...)


 
libra Posted: Thu Feb 12 01:56:02 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Yea...that's too long for my short attention span to handle. I used to read all the articles people put up...I dunno, now I don't seem to have the drive to do it anymore. I like reading about people who post though, and the good and bad things that happen to them. People should post more little stories of random life events.


 
antartica Posted: Thu Feb 12 03:25:20 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  wow cool cool....

read the whole thing!!!
*rolls eyes*...

now i know about the expansion theory curse thingy thing...

i am ready to face the world!

MWA HWA HWA HWA
bring it on suckers!


 



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