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pretend you're on the scholarship committee...
libra Posted: Sun Feb 22 18:38:11 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hi...I'm writing an essay that will be given to the scholarship committees at my school to be considered for a number of scholarships i'm eligible for. It's a pretty general essay(goals, etc)...So...I wanted to know if what I have so far on my essay is way to cheesy and phony...and if YOU were on the committe, would you give the money to me?

I have come to realize that no matter how hard one tries, success is not a solo effort. To succeed and achieve the most one possibly can, one must enlist all the help and resources that are available to make accomplishment all the more possible. In order to reach the heights I wish to achieve, I need the support of all of those around me. My parents provide me with a place to live while in school, and offer me support as I attend the Junior College. I greatly appreciate the Doyle Scholarship I have been awarded because it gives me aid so I do not have to work as many hours at my part time job and can devote much more attention to school.
The Junior College gives me the opportunity to learn in an amazing environment while being in a community that I enjoy and feel a part of. At the college I found teachers that are passionate about their work and help me find a direction to follow in life. I am greatly interested in the fields of Anthropology and English and hope to study both as I continue my college career. I hope to become a teacher one day. I want to be a helpful part of the community and help the generations of the future have an education that is as holistic and innovative as mine has been. By being a teacher I can feel I am doing a service that our country greatly needs. I will be helping our world to become a place I can be proud of.


 
marsteller Posted: Sun Feb 22 18:48:49 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  is this a rough draft or the real thing? most of the sentences are awkwardly worded, and there's only a few lines which really say anything


 
libra Posted: Sun Feb 22 18:49:38 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  marsteller said:
>is this a rough draft or the real thing? most of the sentences are awkwardly worded, and there's only a few lines which really say anything

rough draft


 
addi Posted: Sun Feb 22 19:06:30 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I would probably get very anal about all this. It's already bringing out the teacher in me. at first glance I would suggest you get rid of the "one". Never have liked the two mixed together, and because this is a personal essay first person "I" seems to work (just try not to to overdue it). If something else hits me I'll bring it up.


 



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