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Put jokes here.
Mesh Posted: Wed Feb 25 22:07:34 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Know a any good jokes? Have a favourite? Or perhaps one you made up?


POST THEM IN HERE!!!!



1. A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


There are a lot of jokes that I would put in here but the site they are on is currently down and there isnt no way that mesh is going to type all of them, heck not even one of them, out.


I will to put them as soon as their website is back up


 
marsteller Posted: Wed Feb 25 22:11:23 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Two families move from Iraq to America. When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"


The second guy says, "Fuck you, towelhead!"


 
12 step Posted: Wed Feb 25 22:22:00 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  this is one from one of my favorite films the boondock saints

a black guy a mexican and a white guy are waling along a beach they kick a bottle and a genie pops out and offers them all a wish

the back guy says: i want all of my people to be back in africa and happy


the mexican guy says : i want all of my people to be back in mexico and happy

the genie turns to the white guy and says so what do you want

the white guy says : so all the mexicans and blacks are gone from america ?

the genie : yup

white guy : i guess i'll have a coke then


 
FN Posted: Thu Feb 26 11:30:36 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  3 farmers are on a train.

A Belgian farmer, a Russian one and a Dutch one.


The 2 farmers ask the Belgian one why he's always so happy when they see him.

He answers that every day before he leaves he fingers his wife so she is pleased and then she pleases him as well, and in addition to that he has her smell with him all day so he never gets homesick.

The 2 other farmers think that's a great idea.


A while later they meet eachother again.

The Belgian farmer smells his fingers and with a grin on his face whispers 'ah, my Lotte'

The Russian farmer took the Belgian farmer's advice and smells his fingers as well. 'mmmm, Maroushka'


They look at the Dutch farmer.


The Dutch guy smells his whole arm 'ah, Bella'



(For those of you who don't get it, Bella is a typical Dutch name for a cow)


 
FN Posted: Thu Feb 26 11:39:32 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  There was a ship called the Boob Cruise.


Unfortunately, the ship sunk, and 6 guys washed ashore on a deserted island.


A few days later they see something drifting towards them.


Upon closer inspection they see it's one of the female entertainers who was aboard the boobcruise and who was kept afloat thanks to her silicone implants.


The guys had already built a camp and such, and an agreement was made that they would take care of everything, all the woman had to do was please one of the men every day, so they would take turns, and the 7th day the woman would have a day off.

She agreed to it and everybody was happy with the way things were in their tropical paradise.


However, one day the woman died.

A wave of panic swept over the island, things would never be the same again because of her death.



The first few days everything went as it had before.

After a week it became a bit rougher.


But after a month it became really hard, so they decided to bury her.


 
marsteller Posted: Thu Feb 26 11:57:19 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  boondock saints is awesome.


 
12 step Posted: Thu Feb 26 12:09:04 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  it was one of the best films ive seen in a while and any film with billy connelly deserves to be watched. the sequal is being made too


 
Mesh Posted: Thu Feb 26 12:16:43 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  awesome picture 12step. Me likey


 
Mesh Posted: Thu Feb 26 12:19:20 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>There was a ship called the Boob Cruise.
>
>
>Unfortunately, the ship sunk, and 6 guys washed ashore on a deserted island.
>
>
>A few days later they see something drifting towards them.
>
>
>Upon closer inspection they see it's one of the female entertainers who was aboard the boobcruise and who was kept afloat thanks to her silicone implants.
>
>
>The guys had already built a camp and such, and an agreement was made that they would take care of everything, all the woman had to do was please one of the men every day, so they would take turns, and the 7th day the woman would have a day off.
>
>She agreed to it and everybody was happy with the way things were in their tropical paradise.
>
>
>However, one day the woman died.
>
>A wave of panic swept over the island, things would never be the same again because of her death.
>
>
>
>The first few days everything went as it had before.
>
>After a week it became a bit rougher.
>
>
>But after a month it became really hard, so they decided to bury her.



mmmm necrophilya.














no im not serious.


And yes, I have a seen Boondock Saints. Good movie it is.


 
Mesh Posted: Thu Feb 26 15:10:13 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



 
12 step Posted: Thu Feb 26 15:37:20 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  this one sums up my sense of humor

what is worse than micheal jackson looking after you kids?

ian huntly bathing them

(for non brits ian huntly killed two kids in his bath strangled one and drowned the other, while the kids were suposidly helping him wash his dog )


 
Mesh Posted: Thu Feb 26 17:57:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two Daddy Longlegs mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs,"
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, that faggot shit might fly in California and New York City, but we're not having any of that in Texas!"



A man walks into a bar
The man behind him ducks.



yeah those are lame. I am still waiting for that site to come back.



 
Mesh Posted: Fri Feb 27 00:25:28 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Quick Joke:
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."




 
mat_j Posted: Fri Feb 27 02:02:10 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  meshuggah said:
>Quick Joke:
>A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
>
>

Fucking ace, i guessed it halfway through but i still laughed when i read it, the daddy longlegs one was hysterical too!!


 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 09:00:23 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A little boy wanted $100 badly, so he prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, U.S.A., they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched and amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, after all, he thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

"Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95."




 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 09:03:32 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge."

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter, to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on my wife only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Lincoln for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 09:05:56 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
 
Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the warden.
Now, the warden still had a job to do, but that didn't stop him from giving Slash some special treatment from time to time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair, the warden asked Slash if there was anything special he would like.

Slash thought for a bit, and then said that he would like the warden to contact his wife and have her make him meatloaf the rest of his life (which by this time, was short). Of course, the warden complied and each day, Slash sat down and had a big portion of his wife's meatloaf.

The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to visit Slash and asked him, "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?"

Slash answered, "I ain't gonna die tomorrow."

The other prisoner then said, "But tomorrow is Friday, and we all know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair."

"Don't matter," said Slash, "if this meatloaf can't kill me, nothin' can."



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 09:08:45 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
 
A man goes to the confessional and begins: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Father again.

"Well, no," continues the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!?"





 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:03:40 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.

The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:05:37 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies,
and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy.
The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus,
pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"


 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:06:59 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:13:20 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Once there was a man who was in love with a beautiful woman and he wanted to marry her.
The woman told him that befor they could get married he would have to ask her father,
who was a farmer. So the next day the man went to the farmer and said,
"Sir I love your daughter very much and I would like to ask for her hand in marriage."

The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said,
"I will let you marry her, but first you must compleat a test."
Willing to do anything to be able to marry the girl the man aggred. The farmer said,
"first you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn."
The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it. When he got finished he asked the farmer,
"Ok now can I marry your daughter?" The farmer couldn't belive that the man had acutally done those things and thinking it was funny he told the man to do it again! So the man jumped the fence,
swam the river, and screwed the cow, again! When he was finished the man went back to the farmer and asked
"Now may I marry your daughter?" By this time the farmer was amazed that the man did all that a second time,
and wondered if he would do it a third, so the farmer said,
"Ok if you do all that one more time I will let you marry my daughter."
So the man did it again. He jumped the fence, swam, the river, and scrwed the cow.
When he came back to the farmer this time, the farmer said, "Ok now you can marry my daughter."
The man said, "To hell with you daughter how much do you want for the cow?"



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:16:26 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car
and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.
He is stopped by the same police officer who says,
"Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."



 
addi Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:19:16 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  HaHa!!!! I love it. Penguin jokes are always funny! thanks, Sir Anty!




 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:23:43 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  One day a tired salseman goes into a bar and orders a beer.
While he's enjoying his drink, he notices a nittle old man with a peg-leg
and a Noggin the size of a baseball. Curious, he ask the man,
"How in the world did your noggin get to me so DAMN Tiny?"

The old man replies "I used to be a sailor, but one day, i was out sailing when my shipwrecked on a remote island.
I lived there for about three years. One day a beuatiful mermaid came up on shore.
She gave me three wishes. For the first wish, I asked her to be back in civilization,
for the second i wished for 25 million dollars. For the third wish i told her that i wanted to have sex with a mermaid. She told me 'sorry, but mermaid dont have the right equipment to have sex.
So i said "how about a little head then?"



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:28:22 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>HaHa!!!! I love it. Penguin jokes are always funny! thanks, Sir Anty!
>
>

NO PROBS!!
postin' slut strikes again!! haha
there's more shit cumming


 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:34:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend. A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly, "If you were my woman, I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop." The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy's ass. The girlfriend stops him, telling him she does not want a scene. The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss. The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp, but the girlfriend pulls him away. "If that guy even looks at you again, I'm going to kill him!" the boyfriend declared. After a couple of minutes, the drunk came over to the couple again and said "If you were my woman, I'd turn you upside-down, fill your pussy with beer and drink you dry with one swallow." The boyfriend just took the girl's arm and started to walk her quietly out of the bar. She asked him why he was not trying to pound the drunk into the ground for dishonoring her. He replied, "If he can drink that much beer, he's a better man than than I am."



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:50:25 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me!
My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell!
You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental;
the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful.
Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting.
When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert.
In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.
He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry.
The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes...
He drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."

His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."


 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:56:43 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government,
so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."


 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 11:59:29 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."



 
antartica Posted: Fri Feb 27 12:06:17 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I never had 3 girls at once,
I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter,
unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X"
and says, "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".

Same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's organ is black & blue,
the skin's hanging off in places. The man says, "Gimmee a bottle of Ben Gay."

To which the pharmacist replies "Ben Gay? You're not going to put BEN GAY on that are you?"

The guy says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".


 
antartica Posted: Sat Feb 28 05:25:09 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Two rednecks met in a bar and agreed that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college in order to get ahead. So they hop in a pickup truck and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes into one of the rooms and finds a professor, who advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," grinned the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.

"Math, history and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?"

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, aren't ya?"



 
Puck Posted: Sat Feb 28 05:32:56 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there." And the man says, "No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

What's better than getting a Silver metal in the special olympics?
Not being retarded.

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
You don't know, man. You weren't there.


 
FN Posted: Sat Feb 28 06:57:48 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What does Hitler say when he's going to drive around in his tank?




I'm going to drive around in my tank.






(not the kind of humour of many people I know but I like the absurdity of it :o)



2 icecreams meet eachother in the city. One of them is vanilla and the other one is strawberry flavoured.

The vanilla icecream to his strawberry companion: "how come you're pink?"


To which his friend replies: I don't know.









A blonde and a brunette get thrown off a building. Who's the first to smash into the ground?

The brunette, the blonde had to stop to ask for directions.


 
ifihadahif Posted: Mon Mar 1 11:39:38 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Red Neck Vasectomy


After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple
decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less
costly alternative,
said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb(fireworks are
legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer
can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to
the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how
putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me." "Trust me, " said the doctor. So the hillbilly went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5" ............
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs,
and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi,West Virginia,
Arkansas and parts of Missouri.


 
antartica Posted: Tue Mar 2 12:38:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
 
Objective: To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
What You Need:
1. Girl with bra
2. Two functional hands
3. Common sense

Techniques:
1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

Do Not Use: Scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, black magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:
1. "I really want to thank you for this."
2. "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3. "Do you have any cereal?"





 
addi Posted: Tue Mar 2 12:47:22 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  LOL!! Ta Da! I love it!

antartica said:

>Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:

1. "That reminds me, I need to call my sister."

2. "Oh Good. They're pouty"

3. "Now will you unhook mine?"




 
antartica Posted: Tue Mar 2 12:51:58 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Husband Mart

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is
comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as
the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot
go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up
she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 -
These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking and
help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more
further up!" And again she heads up another flight.



The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 -
These men have jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking,
help with the housework
and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further
on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 -
You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Husband Mart
and have a nice day.







ADDI!!! whddap with that one eh!?!?

> 3. "Now will you unhook mine?"

oh man!!!


 
addi Posted: Tue Mar 2 13:00:12 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:

>ADDI!!! whddap with that one eh!?!?
>
>> 3. "Now will you unhook mine?"


well, it was funny to me. I dunno. Maybe the thought of a plonker asking a girl to unhook his bra is normal over there : )


 
FN Posted: Tue Mar 2 13:27:40 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:
>Techniques:
>1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
>2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.



You can open it with 1 hand as well.


 
webmaster Posted: Tue Mar 2 14:15:23 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>What does Hitler say when he's going to drive around in his tank?
>
>I'm going to drive around in my tank.
>
>(not the kind of humour of many people I know but I like the absurdity of it :o)

My kind of humour. And my personal favourite:

What is big, yellow and eats rocks?

A big, yellow rock-eater.


 
antartica Posted: Tue Mar 2 23:19:46 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>You can open it with 1 hand as well.

of course we can! ;)


 
antartica Posted: Tue Mar 2 23:20:27 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>well, it was funny to me. I dunno. Maybe the thought of a plonker asking a girl to unhook his bra is normal over there : )

okie addi... we dun have to know what's in ya wardrobe now... LOL


 
misszero Posted: Wed Mar 3 04:59:10 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  why is it that men have such problems with bras? they aren't really THAT difficult, surely......


 
addi Posted: Wed Mar 3 06:53:59 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  misszero said:
>why is it that men have such problems with bras? they aren't really THAT difficult, surely......

No problems with bras. Back when I was still on the team I got so good at it I could unhook one just using my will power, even those Big Bertha, double hook monster kinds. It was a gift from god I think. Unhooking them was easy. What to do next was the difficult part.




 
antartica Posted: Thu Mar 4 10:55:10 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The New Secretary

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary I should keep."
So he gave each secretary a moneybag to take and deposit in the bank, telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary went to the bank, discovered the extra money, banked $50, and returned the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary went to the bank, discovered the extra money, banked the full $100, and returned with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary went to the bank, discovered the extra money, banked $50, went to the local casino and used the $50 to win $300, then returned, explained to the manager and gave him all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?

?

?

?

?

?

?

Answer: The one with the biggest breasts.




 
antartica Posted: Thu Mar 4 10:57:36 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>No problems with bras......

have you ever tried those really monster ones with 3 hooks??!!??

needed to use my teeth once... but heck! no problems! haha


 
addi Posted: Thu Mar 4 11:11:00 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:

>have you ever tried those really monster ones with 3 hooks??!!??

LOL! The Holy Grail of Brassiers! OhhhWeee!




 
antartica Posted: Thu Mar 4 11:12:33 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>LOL! The Holy Grail of Brassiers! OhhhWeee!


YEAH!
if we ever encounter any 4-hooked ones.. we may have to call Chanz in with his chain saw!


 
addi Posted: Thu Mar 4 11:15:33 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:

>YEAH!
>if we ever encounter any 4-hooked ones.. we may have to call Chanz in with his chain saw!

(Addi does the sign of the cross)
No, Not chanz and his chainsaw of liberation!! Sweet Mother of Ludwig!
God help us all if it ever comes to that!!


 
misszero Posted: Fri Mar 5 23:14:40 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i'm so tempted to buy only bras that do up at the front, just to confuse boys. is that mean?


 
marsteller Posted: Fri Mar 5 23:36:35 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  nah, front hook bras are sweet....most girls can unhook em just by squeezing their tits together....good times


 
addi Posted: Sat Mar 6 12:13:16 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  misszero said:
>i'm so tempted to buy only bras that do up at the front, just to confuse boys. is that mean?

you wanna confuse us? wear sports bras with no clips anywhere. talk about futile efforts



 
misszero Posted: Sat Mar 6 20:36:22 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  muahahahaha

suggestions noted..


 
misszero Posted: Sat Mar 6 20:41:25 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  **


 
antartica Posted: Thu Mar 11 20:36:44 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  How Golf Is Like Peeing In A Restroom



10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder-width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.



 
antartica Posted: Fri Mar 19 06:13:35 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Nudist Colony

Eli joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him toward her, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Eli continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam toward him.

The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man easily spins Eli around and has his way with him.

Eli rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Eli says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 enrollment fee."

The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

Eli replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a it up once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."





 
marsi Posted: Fri Mar 19 13:14:47 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  http://www2.arnes.si/~sfabij1/game.htm




 
marsi Posted: Fri Mar 19 13:15:43 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me
and at this time of year we all could use a little calm!!! By
following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace.

The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished and before coming to work this morning I finished
off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua
and Tia Maria, my Prozac, some valium, cigarettes and a box of
chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin' good I feel....


 
marsi Posted: Fri Mar 19 13:30:47 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
===========================================================

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

And finally: if you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

"Take two aspirin" AND "Keep away from children"



 
marsi Posted: Fri Mar 19 13:35:21 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ~~~~THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~~~

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon



~~~~THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~~~

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate



~~THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK~~

"Thanks, but I don't want to have sex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."



 



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