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how to pretend like you know everything
iggy Posted: Wed Mar 10 03:15:34 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  How To Pretend Like You Know Everything

By Rant Morgan

You don’t know everything. In fact, you hardly know anything. But that doesn’t mean you can’t at least pretend like you know it all. This is actually quite hard to pull off. People will often call you on your bullshit if they don’t feel it’s true. And then you’re left in the awkward position of explaining yourself – which is worse than not knowing what you’re talking about.

You can use these techniques in almost any setting. Even if you’re among experts of the subject you’re bullshitting. Just always know when to stop. If you get too deep into a subject, you have no idea what you’re talking about, and everyone else is educated on the subject, they’ll start asking questions. That can be embarrassing.

When pretending like you know something, always show confidence. If you ever seem unsure about a subject, the people you’re speaking with will question your comments validity. If people are going to wonder negatively about your statement, there’s no point in making it. You’ve done nothing except make them wonder if you’re lying.

Now there’s a difference between being confident and being vague. You want to be vague. Use statements like “if my memory serves me right”, “I think it’s…”, “Usually it’s this way”, and so on.

These skills are best put to use when just sitting around with friends and family having a discussion. I’ll use examples in these settings to help you better understand the art of ‘pretending you know it all’.

You and your buds are sitting in the local donut shop enjoying a caffeinated beverage of your choice. Up comes the topic of zoos. Someone makes an opinion statement like “A zoo is good for animals – it keeps them well fed and the animals actually like it”. Now, as a person who disagrees with this statement, you need to say something, but you have no idea what you’re talking about. This is where you lie to convince them they’re wrong.

The ‘magazine article’ technique works well, because there are billions of magazines. You can refute their statement by saying “Actually, I was reading in a magazine a couple weeks ago, I think it was Newsweek, I can’t remember. Anyways, they were interviewing zookeepers, and they were speaking out about an animal’s mental state. They said that animals actually become more aggressive and depressed in captivity.”

What you’ve done here is a couple of good things. First, by using the magazine article method, your friends will assume it’s true. Secondly, you’re quoting someone else as making the statement, thus it’s not your statement, and absolves you of accuracy.

You’ll want to keep things vague so you can back track. If someone surprisingly comes out and says, “No way. My uncle owns a zoo, and he says most of the animals are happier.” You can backtrack. Say “oh, well maybe the article was talking about conditions at a certain zoo. I can’t remember. I should find that article.”

Now you’ve gotten out of that last statement. It doesn’t happen that often though. Most of the time it won’t happen, and people will take what you’ve said as being true. Thus making you look well read, and knowledgeable.

Statistics are also a great way to get your point across. Stats are often vague anyways. Plus, everything has statistics attached to it, so they’ll assume you’re getting your numbers from somewhere. You could say “actually, I think something like 85% of all zoos don’t feed their animals enough.”

Your friends probably won’t question this. If someone says “no way, that can’t be true”, you can just refute it by saying “Oh yeah. I think the congressman from Ohio was looking into the state of modern day zoos. I’m sure I saw it on the internet. I’ll look it up for you.”

You’ve successfully pointed out that zoos are bad, even though you have no clue what you’re talking about. Your friend’s wont question that any further, because you’ve said you’d look into it, thus meaning you don’t really have the information on hand.

If you’re worried about actually having to provide this kind of information that you said you would – don’t. Your friends will just accept it by the end of the conversation anyways. If they seem interested, just say “yeah, I’ll e-mail it to you”. People have short attention spans, and by the time you’ve had a chance to look it up again, they either won’t care, or will have forgotten.

Don’t be afraid to skew actual information either. If you start to loose a conversation, and it turns really heated, you’re reputation will be on the line. People may question whether you’re lying or not. Just find pages that deal with the subject you’re talking about, and pull out the sections that say what you want them to say. If you type in your point to a search engine, you’ll find someone that makes that statement, or a similar one. Lobby groups are great for this. Provide several quotes from people, but only ones that prove your point.

It’s important to quote multiple sources in your e-mail too. This way your friend will be less likely to fact-check your article. People in nature hate doing research.

Other great ways to prove your point are to say you saw it on CNN, the Discovery Channel, TLC, 20/20, 60 minutes, or another reputable program. People will believe almost anything you say when you say you’ve seen it on TV.

When pretending you know what you’re talk about, don’t be afraid to admit you’re wrong. You don’t want to be labeled a stubborn, lying person. Just say, “Oh really? Huh. I never knew that. I should check into that. It doesn’t make sense. I guess it’s possible though”. Now you’ve just validated their point, without giving up on yours.

If you have absolutely no knowledge on a topic, just say you don’t know. If you make an outrageous statement that you think sounds good, but anyone with half a brain knows is a lie, you’re in deep shit. You’ll look extremely foolish, and people will know you’re a lying bastard for sure.

Never underestimate the power of association either. Your friends will often believe what you say just based on the fact that you’re their friend. If you associate with someone that is an expert in the field, your friends will also find your statement believable. Don’t be afraid to make up people either. Like your friend Daryl that works at metro zoo. Just don’t give them a prominent position like CEO. Your friend Daryl just works in the nursing home feeding week animals.

Lastly, always back down if you’re at arms with another person trying to lie. Let them have their moment. The last thing you need is both of you looking like asses.

That’s all you need to know about acting like you know everything, even though you know very little. Don’t be pushy, and don’t lie all the time. If you lie all the time, hell, I wouldn’t want to be friends with you.


This Guide Is For Entertainment Purposes Only. Not To Be Taken Seriously.


 
DaveHill Posted: Wed Mar 10 04:23:34 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I knew that :P


 
misszero Posted: Wed Mar 10 05:51:05 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  yeah, me too. everything i've ever posted is based on that theory

muahahaha, maybe.

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