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My usual madness
iggy Posted: Thu Apr 15 21:26:33 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  SIgns of maturity.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.




 
iggy Posted: Thu Apr 15 21:28:13 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wimmen Dicksionnaery

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!




 
iggy Posted: Thu Apr 15 21:30:25 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  wait i forgot to link my shit...

www.gostuffyourself.com

ahh i feel better.


Redneck Sex Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False




 
iggy Posted: Thu Apr 15 21:41:06 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."

49. "That works better the other way around."

48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

47. "Damn, that's complicated"

46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"

44. "You guys need a value pak."

43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"

42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."

40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

35. "Bring in the Gimp!"

34. "Hold that pose!"

33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

31. Sing "Shake your bootie."

30. "A little to the left."

29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"

28. "Is there room for two in there?"

27. "Two words: penis extension."

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6.9.

22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

21. "Maybe it would help if you..."

20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."

19. "That's what you call erect?"

18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

14. "May I cut in?"

13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."

12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

7. "Let's make a sandwich!"

6. "Is that hard enough for you?"

5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

4. "I think you dropped something."

3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"

2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"




 
iggy Posted: Thu Apr 15 21:53:15 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top Ten Lists

Top 10 Good Things About Having A Stripper As A News Anchor

10. "Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events."

9. "Easy way of fulfilling the station's FCC nudity requirement."

8. "Top story tonight -- I got a new tattoo."

7. "Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy's throwing dollars at her."

6. "Oh geez, I dunno -- Maybe the fact that she's naked!"

5. "Carrying on the proud tradition started by Edward R. Murrow."

4. "Fun to hear anchor say, "To hear more on the Iowa Caucus, meet me in the Champagne Room in 5 minutes."

3. "She covers the five W's of journalism; who, what, when, where and WOW!"

2. "Studies have found that clothing detracts from viewers' ability to process news."

1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, "This just in."

------------------------------------


Top 10 Good Things About Winning An Academy Award

10. "I mentioned Budweiser in my acceptance speech and to this day I get a case a year."

9. "I hide a spare house key under my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame."

8. "Back in my day, I had good luck using the line, 'Wanna polish my Oscar?'"

7. "Dangle it from your rearview mirror and goodbye speeding tickets."

6. "No more of that 'It's just an honor to be nominated' bull."

5. "If you forget to rewind, Blockbuster generally looks the other way."

4. "On camping trips, the Oscar is great for pounding in tent stakes."

3. "A lot of people don't know this, but the head screws off and there's Bourbon inside."

2. "Do you realize Mr. Genius Albert Einstein never won an Academy Award?"

1. "There's a good chance Paris Hilton will make a sex video with you."


---------------------------------------

Top 10 Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie

10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"

9. "I don't know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"

8. "I'm hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"

7. "These 'Lord of the Ring' films are getting odder and odder"

6. "Was this really based on a book?"

5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that's a sin, am I right, people?"

4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2'"

3. "Uh...I don't feel like dinner right now."

2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"

1. "Don't tell me the ending"

----------------------------------------


Top 10 Signs Bush Is Considering Dumping Cheney

10. Cheney's desk has been replaced by President's new air hockey table.

9. There's a listing on Monster Dot Com for a Vice-Presidential position in a "Large North American Government."

8. Cheney's so depressed he's only eating 12 KFC drumsticks a day.

7. There is a "For Rent" sign on the front lawn of the undisclosed location.

6. When Cheney says, "We're gonna win in November," Bush snarls, "What's this 'We' crap?"

5. White House interns are no longer required to know CPR.

4. The CIA says they have reliable information Cheney won't be dumped.

3. Bush asked Trump if he could come to Washington and fire Cheney.

2. Yesterday a tearful Cheney sang "I Will Survive" on the White House lawn.

1. Bush called Daddy looking for Quayle's number.

----------------------------------------

Top 10 Good Things About Being Named George W. Bush

10. Read my lips: I never pay taxes

9. I receive courtesy calls whenever Cheney has a heart attack

8. I always get the Presidential Suite at Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland

7. After sex, my wife hums "Hail to the Chief"

6. Whenever I get bored, I call the Texas Department of Corrections and have them execute a guy

5. Last week, I used an improperly addressed Halliburton contribution to buy myself a trampoline

4. I've been cleaning up on Denny's "Presidents Eat Free" promotion

3. Amusing late night phone calls from a drunk Tony Blair

2. People are pleasantly surprised that I'm not an idiot

1. The President offered me ten grand for a copy of my military records

----------------------------------------







 
addi Posted: Thu Apr 15 22:19:20 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  chanz said:
>wait i forgot to link my shit...

LOL! I was waiting for that. God only knows the wrath you might have brought down on us all from the link police!

>1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
>True or False

CLITORIA (Clitor'ia)

DESCRIPTION: These are tender climbing shrubs or herbaceous plants. The tender kinds may be grown outdoors in the South and in the greenhouse.
POTTING: Clitoria love the sun and will thrive in any well-drained, moist, garden soil.

(Linnaeus, the english botanist, had a thing for woman's body parts when he was naming many plants)

redneck response to this: "I gots ta git me some of them clitoruses to plant in mah yard!"


*thanks for the useless stuff, chanz : )







 
Puck Posted: Fri Apr 16 21:37:11 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  chanz said:

>20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
mmmm a box of wine. Kool-aid would be fine though.
score! I'm so freakin' immature.


 
iggy Posted: Mon Apr 19 20:51:23 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  English made easy



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.



 
iggy Posted: Mon Apr 19 20:54:02 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  1.WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4.WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5.WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMUUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6.WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU' WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12.WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13.WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14.WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15.WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

The muckle gamey laddie
Euan (from the Electric Scotland Webboard)


 
iggy Posted: Mon Apr 19 20:56:03 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A HIGHLAND COW


The following is a schedule of events in the life of a highland cow in Summer pasture mode:

5:30 to 6:00 a.m . - Cows wake up. Senior cow gets up first and stands in front of the other cattle so they can admire her. All then get up and do a little ritual poop. Cows may make sarcastic greetings to each other like "good morning hairbag" or "who made those horns?"

6:00 to 8:00 a.m. - general grazing time, followed by a period of staring at the master's home. All drink water during this period.

8:00 to 9:00 a.m. - All cattle receive the master, reporting any overnight problems and complaints. Common complaints are: quality of hay, grass has lost it's crunch, why are we not being raked more regularly etc. Master gives hay and they show appreciation by staring at him and threatning to break wire and escape or rub and kill more trees.

9:00 to 11:00 a.m. - Cattle find shade and socialize. The senior cow leads discussions.. (I have learned their lingo, so have a fair understanding of what goes on)...basically they gossip! They are very interested in visitors and the shoes, belts or gloves they wear, wondering who they once may have been. Highland cows have no teeth on top so can't say their "L"s. They talk of escape from the master during these socials. This escape talk never goes any place, probably due to their speech impediments. One recent exchange went like this. "Rets rush master when by fence raking reaves, knock him off his regs and break for woods, cross that rittle rake through the woods to rarger, greener pasture."

11:00 to 4:00 p.m. - general grazing, pooping and peeing, rubbing on trees, trying to break fence, resting in shade, staring at master's house or watching him work around yard or barn. A highlight of this period is when master's wife yells at him or he does something stupid that appeals to their sense of humor. Highland cows don't laugh openly, but smile and grin with a slight upper lift of their mouths.

4:00 to 7:00 p.m. - eat hay master has given them, poop and pee followed by a time of meditation. Highland cattle have no religion but know they are sacred and play on this. Crop circles, sacred cows, their role at the nativity and in Scotland's history is very important to them. The face west as the sun sets and place their noses on the ground, standing perfectly still for up to a minute. It is a most moving ceremony.

7:00 to Dusk - Senior cow decides where they will bed down for night. She usually sleeps looking towards master's home, with other cattle behind. They are very quiet during this period; however, there is some lowing or "rowing" as they say.

At Dusk - To get to sleep, cows tell stories for night. These are epic tales which highland cattle have passed down for centuries...I have overheard them. Some of their favourites are:

Wellington Wullie" - about a lonely shepherd who goes nuts and trys to ravish a herd of highlands -
Old Mary and the Wolf" - about an old cow who fights off a wolf to save her calf -
"How the snake got it's name", and on full moon nights, the horror tale "Jock be nimble, Jock be quick.
Then they fall to sleep secure in the knowledge that the master loves and cares for them and has been placed on this earth to serve their every need and be their devoted servant.




 
iggy Posted: Mon Apr 19 20:56:46 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Why Scotland is a grand place



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".



 
Mouse Posted: Mon Apr 19 21:53:26 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  chanz said:
>12.WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
>We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

Funny, that one actually aplies to me, sometimes I just don't answer people. Which can be wierd on the phone, "Hello, you still there?" But when one has nothing fitting to say, why speak?
Mouse


 
libra Posted: Mon Apr 19 22:46:14 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Mouse said:
>
>Funny, that one actually aplies to me, sometimes I just don't answer people. Which can be wierd on the phone, "Hello, you still there?" But when one has nothing fitting to say, why speak?
>Mouse

i do the same thing...my mom hates it.


 



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