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some old laughs... to maintain our insanity
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:24:15 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  righto... this has been posted by myself or some other slut before... so bite me...

oh... have a good laff.. =P


20 Ways To Keep Your Insanity

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation marks.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.





 
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:28:24 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  this one's for ya Addi ;P

Life On The Range



While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep, and he began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

The Indian looks stunned.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The Indian has a look of disbelief on his face.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Good."

The Indian now has extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", while pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The Indian now has a look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."




 
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:30:15 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  for ya stolich-MESH-ya =)

Drinks All Around

Mesh walked into a bar and said, "Stoli for everyone, even you, Bartender."

But when it was time to pay, Mesh didn't have money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day, Mesh did the same thing: he ordered a Stoli for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since Mesh couldn't pay.

Then the next day, Mesh said, "Stoli for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said, "Why?"

Mesh replied, "You're violent when you're drunk!"





 
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:34:22 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't


10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, now!!!

5. Hmm... I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits.



 
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:37:33 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 10 Signs You're Watching Too Much TV

10. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?"

9. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.

8. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.

7. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest infomercial.

6. If you witness an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"

5. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!"

4. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade.

3. You have a gold-plated remote control.

2. Your intellectual discussions all stem from the Discovery Channel.

1. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.



 
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:38:35 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Top 10 Excuses For Sleeping At Desk


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?"

4. "Shoot! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!"

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "...In Jesus' name, Amen."





 
antartica Posted: Sun Apr 25 06:40:08 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Nudist Colony

Eli joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him toward her, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Eli continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam toward him.

The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"

"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man easily spins Eli around and has his way with him.

Eli rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Eli says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 enrollment fee."

The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

Eli replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a it up once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."


 
addi Posted: Sun Apr 25 20:29:45 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:

>Indian: "Sheep fake orgasms."

HAHA!!! Great one, Ant!
But why in the world would you start out by saying that one was to Addi?!!


 
Kira Posted: Sun Apr 25 21:21:12 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  antartica said:
>
>8. Don't use any punctuation marks.

I shall dine on your kidneys, all ye savages!!


>
>18. When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!"
>

Hahaha I'm going to try that one.


 
antartica Posted: Sat May 1 02:58:26 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  another old classic...

God Is Missing

Two 6-year-old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave -- timeouts, notes home, missed recesses --- but nothing worked. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair and ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home and asked, "What happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"





 
antartica Posted: Sat May 1 03:01:56 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Nick The Dragon Slayer

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she got dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.


 
antartica Posted: Sat May 1 03:03:13 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A Shave And A Shine

A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."


 
antartica Posted: Sat May 1 03:07:11 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Skin Transplant Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they wouldn't tell anyone about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives went on and on about her youthful look.

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


 
antartica Posted: Wed May 5 10:35:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The Yeti


An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expeditions came across a set of large man-like tracks in the snow.
"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed: do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

So the expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him. Fearing his life, the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer, let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him. After rounding a corner, he looked behind him and saw the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run and reached the bottom of the mountain in just two days. Exhausted, he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft "thud, thud, thud" of yeti feet on snow. He looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away. Once there, he quickly bought a mountain bike and pedaled his way to the nearest town, some 50 miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain, and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.

Two days later the man left his hotel in order to book transportation back to England. As soon as he turned around though, he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding toward him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village, all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time getting onto the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window, when he saw a familiar large, bounding, man-like creature running down his street -- the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again. He used any means he could -- bike, car or foot -- to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh, and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength, he stood up straight, as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger, and with a low rumbling voice, the yeti began to speak:

"Tag! You're it!"




 



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