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ok i lied! i have to post more :P criticism welcome :)
choke Posted: Sun May 9 01:12:12 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I'm retching from deep inside
I keep choking on emotion
Pushing out black oil and flies
Once love, now hearts erosion.

You struck me now hear it echo
It plays loudest in my chest
I watched you and felt so hollow
Through this drumming I can't rest.

Let me borrow your heart awhile
I ache now to join the game
Rid my head of dusty trials
Rid the gaps of hidden shame.

Life poured in from your heart to my core
Defrosting hollow nerves
But the axe, forgotten, slipped once more
Poison mind that heart now serves.

It struggles now to beat
To push thick oil through my veins
Take it back, it can't defeat
The curse, the witches claim.

I'm sorry if you're angry
Or if I stained your heart with hate
It stayed too long inside me
You took it back too late.



 
choke Posted: Sun May 9 01:19:09 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Ooooh! i forgot! its called Confessions Of The Tinman :P


 
kelly Posted: Sun May 9 01:35:09 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i really like the theme and idea of the poem, its creative and, at least from stuff ive read, origional...
the whole thing really makes me think, but the best emotion i get in the poem comes from single lines:

"You struck me now hear it echo"

"Poison mind that heart now serves"

i particularly like the last stanza, and the second to last where it says, regarding the heart,

"Take it back, it can't defeat..."

...that's a heartbreaking line in itself, it's like you get what you thougth you needed or wanted more than anything, and find out even that's not enough to save you...





 
choke Posted: Sun May 9 01:48:18 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  :') it feels so good to have someone understand my writing :)

u got it perfect.. i tried love, but my mind poisened it so i had to give it back :(


 
Mark Posted: Sun May 9 02:33:40 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Like it. imho it is well written. The sad news is that it remembers me of something depressing that happened a month ago...


 
choke Posted: Sun May 9 04:45:22 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  :( sorry.. i didnt think of consequences..

wasnt meant to post in the general section either :S


 
FN Posted: Sun May 9 05:59:58 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Like the idea behind it and the images as well. Very creative.


 
Mark Posted: Sun May 9 06:02:58 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>:( sorry.. i didnt think of consequences..
>
>wasnt meant to post in the general section either :S
Ey, never mind mon amie. It is the only way to know if you're really got over something...

And please keep writing...I like your stuff :)


 
FN Posted: Sun May 9 06:05:06 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wolffie said:
>Ey, never mind mon amie.

Ma copine perhaps? Mon amie would mean you're talking to a hermaphrodite


 
mat_j Posted: Sun May 9 06:52:47 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I like it it's not my usual cup of tea but it's well constructed and the imagery is really powerful conjours up all kinds of things in my head i particularily like

Life poured in from your heart to my core
Defrosting hollow nerves
But the axe, forgotten, slipped once more
Poison mind that heart now serves.


Defrosting hollow nerves is a good line


 
Christian Posted: Sun May 9 12:05:24 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  wow Choke,
Good Job
Good Imagery


 
Mark Posted: Sun May 9 15:23:59 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>Wolffie said:
>>Ey, never mind mon amie.
>
>Ma copine perhaps? Mon amie would mean you're talking to a hermaphrodite
eh...sorry, my french ain't what it used to be :p


 
FN Posted: Sun May 9 15:34:39 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wolffie said:
>Christophe said:
>>Wolffie said:
>>>Ey, never mind mon amie.
>>
>>Ma copine perhaps? Mon amie would mean you're talking to a hermaphrodite
>eh...sorry, my french ain't what it used to be :p

Don't mind me lol


 



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