Generation Terrorists » Forum
Sign up   |   Start new thread   |   Lost password?   |   Edit profile   |   Member List   |   myGT   |   Blog
Keyword
From
To
 

A love story of sorts
keats Posted: Mon Aug 2 22:15:45 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Love Story

The first time I saw her she was running up an escaltor backwards, that is to say she as running against the current, not with everyone else, doing her own thing, but you get the picture. That was the first time i fell in love. Which isn't to say that i hadn't been loved and loved in return, because i had, but this was new, this was instantaneous, no thought invovled, no long conversations and poring or repective hearts out over s'mores and intellectual conversations while watching independent movies and discussing the relative merits of existentialism and how it applies to the inner musings of Green Day. This was a bucket of coldest water from the deepest see hitting my buried soul and striking the part of me that was hidden from everyday view like the Purloined letter.

This was love.

It was at an all-state music convention, i remember it all like it was yesterday. I saw her at the dance, running away from it all as i was leaving, wasn't that a sign right there?? Of course it was. So i chased after her, down the same set of stairs backwards, through some lobbies, and though she always denied it, i think that she knew all along that i was following her, like a homing bird reaching for warmer temperatures so as to survive for the winter.

So i chased, and of course (she knew i was coming i'm sure of it) i caught up to her. I told her right away that i had never seen anyone else run the opposite, that i had been the only one, and oh... do you wanna hang out for the night, at least until curfew? Laughingly she told me to follow her, and i did, and we proceeded to play, running in the parking lot, laughing, and of course, playing on more escalators. It was so nice and different, not at all like the usual dance of worker bees and ants that accompanies most high school romances, how could i not love this? And her.

It ended up the drummer from my school brought his drum set up to the top floor, and some of us from the jazz emsemble that i was in followed and we started jamming, and she sang....

But now that i think of it, that was the next day.... What happened the rest of the night was i went to her room, and she gave me a lollipop, and we tossed around a frisbee in the 8 x 12 foot hotel room while her bi friends were away doing whatever it was they were doing. Then she crawled over to me and kissed me... it was almost as good as the singing the next night, even though i thought it was the greated thing so far, so far... So after some kisses, with me trying to act all cool and such, curfew came about, laughingly i asked her for a good night kiss in the hallway, and the teacher yelled at us, and she said no, but it was ok, it was so... ok.... with me.

That night i called up another girl i had met, and went to meet her in her room, but the teacher broke in. Even though we were just talking (i swear) i was on her bed, so i rolled off and hid beneath the blanket in that little space between the bed and wall, you know what i mean, it's in every hotel, and there's just enough room for a animal cage carrier, but i was there in any case. So the teacher storms into the room, and i sneak out behind her. She notices me, but by that time i am down down the rabbit hole, or the staircase for those not literarally inclined, adn i make it in recond time i am flying!! seven steps at a time, and i break out into the hallway into the freedom, all that's left is a long hallway... i almost made it....

The next day my love is acting all cool to me, and i'm hurt... she doesn't know what happened during the night, but still i am perplexed... That night i heard her sing.

I asked her: If i told you that i like you, would it make a difference? She told me later that night that she was bisexual, and i told her that i didn't care at all, if only she would sing for me again i could deal with anything, anything at all. And we parted ways for the night.

The next morning was the concert, i spent the morning before it making out with the other girl, who still to this day is actually a close friend of mine, and all the while forgetting my girl back home, then one who was kassie with a k, that i broke up with cassie with a c for. But then the love of my life told me she wanted to talk to me later before the concert and all three other girls dissappeared from my thoughts like the image of a scooby doo monster after the mask comes off. I waited and then i got my chance up in my room. We made out a lot, and would of gone further, i mean her bra was off, and she murmered in my mouth and drove me crazy, but not with lust, with emotion of a different sort, emotion so strong i wouldn't of even been able to have sex, cause i liked her too much.

Then the drummer comes back, and i go shit... but she just smiles and says let me get it, and she puts back on her (please don't my mind goes to no avail, because it was just a thought after all) bra and shirt and goes to open the door, saying to my stunned roommate: don't worry, i have to go anyway. Then she comes back over and kisses me once more on the mouth and leaves me there in a puddle.

The drummer says it smells like sex in the room, i just smile.

I saw her once more before the end of convention and we exchanged particulars, you know, the screen name... the telephone number... the address... we promise to keep in touch... Then the most wonderful thing happens...

We keep in touch.

Now she lived two train lines away from me, but i made the trip a couple of times in the next few months, and we talked on the phone about everything, and i found out about her scar on the shoulder, or where it came from at least, due to the fact that she hit herself with a hammer not too long ago, adn that i'm the first guy she's kissed in a long time, and that is very important for me to know, and i understand, and i still love love love the feeling of her soft belly and her small kisses, which took some getting used to, but that was fine fine fine with me, like getting used to what a fine wine tastes like.

On new year's day 2001, i stayed over and went to the city with her family, an dhad her feel me up stroking me through my jeans in the backseat of the minivan with a coat over my lap asking me under her breath if that was ok, if she was doing it right, and of course, of course, it was just perfect, no matter what it felt like.

But the night before where was were i made my mistake. We all had a little champagne, and we were running around her grandma's house, and i remember that we both played the piano for her family, and that was nice, and then, she did the one thing that got to my soul, past my heart and mind through it all. She sang for me again, just to me, pushing me against a wall and telling me that i was her man... So i said to myself, fuck it....

I love you.

I don't think she knew how to take it, it was too soon too soon too soon for her, maybe for me as well, but i didnt' think so, i felt it was right, so right, that it couldn't be better, that this was the one i had been waiting for, this was my partner in crime and everything else that mattered. She didn't say it back. I don't blame her, but of course, it broke my heart.

So i went back and didn't see her again, ended up getting back with my old girlfriend, the cassie with a c, because she was back from college. And it came down to a choice, i could either go see my love, or hang out with my c girl, and i made up some excuse why i coundn't go see her play upstate, and a month or so later it was dead due to inattention. And another six months later by the time i started going to college i was done with cassie with a c as well, leaving me, of course, with my thoughts and memories of what might of been, cause that's what happens when you chicken out.

That is my one and only pure love story.


 
innocenceNonus Posted: Mon Aug 2 23:44:13 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I dunno if you want literary criticism or some more personal feedback or what, so I'll keep what I say generic.

Good story, and you have a very interesting flow. Goes like a song/ water.


 
Covester Posted: Mon Aug 2 23:45:04 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I like emotion.


 
choke Posted: Mon Aug 2 23:47:10 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Oh.. Thats perfect...


 
keats Posted: Tue Aug 3 00:34:18 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i wouldn't mind some literary criticism, as writing short stories or such is kinda new to me and all. but anyone who feels like writing all sorts of emotions in their feedback would be a-ok with me as well, cause all criticism is welcome in my book


 
DanSRose Posted: Tue Aug 3 03:08:03 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  It's too conversational, which doesn't especially if you are speaking in the present tense. Use the present tense- it's better for the reader and the writer. But 1st-person, past tense works just as well.
Also, while your idea is good, you are speaking in vague actions. If you tell the emotions of the actions, the reader will care about your story. Use specific sensory information.
For example, instead of:
>The first time I saw her she was running up an escaltor backwards, that is to say she as running against the current, not with everyone else, doing her own thing, but you get the picture.
How about:
Memory slips drags. It slips you down and pulls you further. Each step you take is futile, like climbing an escalator the wrong way.
Other eyes, her eyes, see it differently. Each step is a fight, a struggle to something more, something else. A connection to something better, which is all that we had.

How's that?


 
Dancer Posted: Tue Aug 3 03:59:09 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hey keats, i haven't welcome you to the forum yet. i have not time to read long posts, however, if you do have a myGT account, let me know, i'll search for it once i have the time =)
keep writing.


 
mat_j Posted: Tue Aug 3 06:24:44 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  DanSRose said:
>It's too conversational, which doesn't especially if you are speaking in the present tense. Use the present tense- it's better for the reader and the writer. But 1st-person, past tense works just as well.
>Also, while your idea is good, you are speaking in vague actions. If you tell the emotions of the actions, the reader will care about your story. Use specific sensory information.
>For example, instead of:
>>The first time I saw her she was running up an escaltor backwards, that is to say she as running against the current, not with everyone else, doing her own thing, but you get the picture.
>How about:
>Memory slips drags. It slips you down and pulls you further. Each step you take is futile, like climbing an escalator the wrong way.
>Other eyes, her eyes, see it differently. Each step is a fight, a struggle to something more, something else. A connection to something better, which is all that we had.
>
>How's that?

To be fair i much prefer Keats version


 
DanSRose Posted: Tue Aug 3 12:48:54 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I don't prefer any version. That was more of journal entry than a story, a list of events than a development of people, characters, and emotions.
For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why that piece was written. It does not extraordinary or even ordinary, just typical, nothing special. Nothing at all about their romance or why he loves her.


 
keats Posted: Tue Aug 3 13:15:24 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hi dan, thanks for the comments. let me explain a bit of why i wrote the way i did.
In writing that i have read i have always preferred more of a minimalist approach, and part of me is probably trying to copy that style to some degree. I could of written a couple of more pages and all, but i wrote this in a twenty minute window, so to leave out anything unnecessary and all.
Also, this is my memories of the event, and i wrote is as i remember it, without as many little asides and dressing as i could.
Since you mentioned it though, i might go back and try to write a longer, "fuller" version of this story at one point.


 
keats Posted: Tue Aug 3 13:16:51 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  oh one more thing.... climbing an esclator backwards isn't futile. we made it everytime


 
ashleycrow Posted: Tue Aug 3 14:47:11 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  You could weave the music metaphor into the story a bit more, using words that commonly refer to music to describe your relationship with/feelings about her. Then her singing to you would become not only a literal happening, but a figurative expression of your peaked emotion.


 
Asswipe Posted: Tue Aug 3 15:03:37 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hrmph, the initial metaphor confused me as i imagined her actually running up an escalator backwards and that's what you loved about her. i wouldn't speak metaphorically about a character that we don't know anything about. Show us her acting a way and then you can talk open about her actions, or the speakers opinion about her, but show us her actions before telling us about them. that's how you develop a character.

along w/ that, the entire first paragraph is an introduction, and although i like the differences in feelings on love being presented, if they were shown in some manner rather than told to us it would be a better story. Just jump right into the action, don't mess around w/ intros.

"i remember it like it was yesterday" remove this, it sucks.

you begin to describe action and the scenario in the 2nd paragraph, which is nice and what you need to do. A few things don't really make sense w/ the rest of the story but if you wrote this in 20 min then it's stuff you'll weed out.

more metaphorical speaking in the next paragraph... trash it until you show us her actions that made you think this... simply leaving a dance isn't enough.

could use more details about your "Playing", and again, scratch the damn escalator metaphor until you show us what the hell you're talking about.

i think you confused the days when everything occured as you have two different events occuring "the next night". one being jamming w/ the band and her singing and two being calling up another girl you met.

"and i found out about her scar on the shoulder, or where it came from at least, due to the fact that she hit herself with a hammer not too long ago"

this is, w/ out a doubt, my favorite line of the entire piece because it reveals something about the character of the girl. this is pretty much the only time you show us her character and don't tell us about it(do this more often).

all in all, not bad, man.

i think hemmingway said something along the lines of "all rough drafts are shit" so if you did that all in 20 min, i'm impressed.


 
choke Posted: Tue Aug 3 17:06:37 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Asswipe said:
>hrmph, the initial metaphor confused me as i imagined her actually running up an escalator backwards and that's what you loved about her.

LOL, i thought this too. My bad! We don't have escalators where i live so everytime we're outof town i grab the oppertunity to run up them downwards.. or down them upwards :D

I agree with Asswipe, im interested in her character and wanna know more!


 
Puck Posted: Thu Aug 5 13:55:19 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>everytime we're outof town i grab the oppertunity to run up them downwards.. or down them upwards :D
lol! Sometimes you have to go the wrong way. The one running in the direction that you want to go can be hard to find.

I agree that it's a bit vague, but I liked it.


 



[ Reply to this thread ] [ Start new thread ]