|Simpleman Journals. Conversations with God.
||Posted: Tue Aug 10 07:53:15 2004
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||I sat down in a corner and opened myself to God.
chan: will you listen to me?
God: i am as always.
chan: i wasn't a good person in the past couple of months.
you sent an angel to me. and i made her cry.
i was supposed to protect her. to support her. to be there for her.
but i wasn't for a while.
my anger. my fear. all the suppressed memories.
i abused her emotionally.
and she went away.
i lost my home the day she said please let me go.
and i lost a lot of myself that day.
i am trying to pick myself up. trying to make things right...
God: there's no right or wrong. u just needed some time to sort yourself out.
How can i trust her to you when u can't even take care of yourself. i'm have to look after her now.
chan: is it fair then for you to give me a glimmer of hope and take everything away?
i believed. i hoped. i trusted.
God: did you? if you did, you wouldn't have been still so angry and fearful.
you stopped moving ... and the world and her moves...
chan: is my baby coming home?
God: it depends really. the home that u had wasn't the condition for anyone. sure there are happy times.
but it wasn't perfect. it must be stable enough to brave the storms.
take some time off. and built another home. a better one. a more stable one.
the one who builds it must be a happy builder... how are you to furnish it properly if you are angry?
only then, will i show her the direction. and she will have to decide if this is the home that she wants.
chan: will you help me?
God: only if you want it to happen. i can only take you so far. the rest. you have to handle.
i gave you serenity, courage and wisdom didn't i?
use them now.
i'll promise you that i will take good care of her.
chan: how long will this time apart be?
God: it's the end of a cycle. even if she returns. it's a new start. it's not going back to the old cycle... by then u will have changed.
and so will she.
so till then.
||Posted: Tue Aug 10 08:05:41 2004
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||chan: where i am going with myself? if pursuing my dream is right, why don;t i feel complete?
there's not victory dance.
God: you've only just started. will this be considered a victory?
chan: am i doing the right thing?
God: if u feel u are then u are. your happiness is not decided by me.
chan: i just wished that that she was around at the end of the day. just to be there... and i'll be there too for her.
God: Let her go forth and find her path. she needs it as much as u do.
why not let this be the chance for you to find yourselves.
chan: what if
God: don't ask yourself what ifs. u think of what ifs. don't that mean that u expect to fail?
if i tell u the end, would u be happier?
will u honestly be?
even if i travel with you. it don;t mean i tell u to turn left or right.
i just tell you now and then to look out for rocks and the incoming rain.
that's what makes this journey yours... not mine.
||Posted: Wed Aug 11 01:36:25 2004
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||hey Chanz, whatever you go through, there always comes a time when you look back and say, "I never thought i would." Hang in there and keep posting.