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libra Posted: Thu Sep 9 02:30:14 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  This isn't going to be coherent in any way at all, but I need to get it out. And my problem is going to sound silly.

As some of you know, i've signed up to study abroad in Florence next semester. 3 months of school and a month of travelling afterwards with a friend of mine who is also going.

The thing is: Jonathan

I know its sad, and 4 months isn't THAT long, but I'm having serious qualms about whether I should go or not. Its still at a time when I could back out, but there are other issues involved.

1. The friend that i'm going with and I are having issues. I'll let her down if i tell her I'm not going, but also, she and I haven't spoken in awhile, and she's really angry with me right now, I guess, because of my boyfriend. (she hates him and now she doesn't like me). But when I think of spending that much time with her, in the same bedroom/apartment/classroom, i wonder whether I'll be able to keep from going crazy.

2. Money. Chances to travel like this are rare, I know, and I can afford it, barely. But since i'm studying anthropology, and transferring to another school next fall, i might have more chances to go places that might be more related to my major, to my plan of study. But I might not be as able to afford it when it gets to that time, if i've already spent one semester abroad.

3. Love. I know some of you don't believe in it. But bear with me.
I've found someone who I am so happy with, I can't go a day without seeing him. He makes me feel more myself, he makes me feel comfortable in everything i do. I love him so much. And after this year, we'll be transferring to four year schools, and we don't know how far away we'll be.

I've talked this over with my parents and Jonathan. So far, i've gotten a lot of different pros and cons from them, and some little mentions from Jonathan that he hopes I stay. But they all say in the end that its up to me. And I know it is. i'm just having a hard time. I started crying when i was over at jonathan's tonight, and I sat there wondering why I was crying. Was it because i realized I had to go but I was so sad to leave him? Or just the stress of making the decision?

The worst part is that this all didn't arise until a few days ago, and then, today, i found out that i have to turn in another form on monday that pertains to next semester, so i have to make this decision by then, and i'm so nervous about it.

I don't know what I'm asking from all of you really. But I thought about you guys when i was thinking about all of this, and maybe someone will have some sort of past experience or advice that can lead me to some sort of understanding of what I have to do.


 
iggy Posted: Thu Sep 9 04:08:29 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  1) as a friend, u do have to sit down and address the issues that's bothering her.
i know it's not easy. but rather than to let the issues snowball, it's better to settle the issues before u go off with her.
one thing i've learnt about friendship, if u do have to meet or see the person less to maintain the friendship... then meet the person less.

3) as cynical as i am to the word love, i still do believe it exists.

what i can say is that enjoy the present. let the future handle itself. why bother worrying about a future when it's not here yet.

if u envision the negative future in your mind, then of course it will happen because each time u imagine, it's almost like its real. and that will take form because your mind already believes in it.

a long distance relationship is a traumatic thing, i know. what i can say is that if things were meant to be, then it will be.

meanwhile, just enjoy the time that u have left with him ... at least that is the reality which u can hold and treasure.

*hugs*




 
Mark Posted: Thu Sep 9 04:39:12 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  for whatever help it offers:

1) I agree with chanz here. You need to talk about it ...and listen.

2) as a fellow student I know money is always a problem. Sometimes you need to grab the chances you get, but I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't.

3) Ah, happiness. Isn't it wonderfull to feel such a way when you are with that special person. I know I thought it once was and I hope to feel it again and I hope that for you it will last a long time.

Both choices have indeed their pros and cons, can't help you with that, but don't think about them in a negative way. That way both choices aren't right.


 
DaveHill Posted: Thu Sep 9 05:23:37 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  IF you love each other, you'll make it through the 4-month split-up. Hardest part would have to be finding enough coins to keep calling him....
And being abroad does funny things to people, i'd say chances are pretty big that you'll get along fine. Otherwise, smack her.

I should've tried to answer this better...sorry


 
mat_j Posted: Thu Sep 9 06:48:05 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  As bad as he thinks his answer is i agree with Dave


You see


I once was offered a chance to go to HongKong for a summer and live there with my chinese family, unfortunatly i chose not to (i can't remember the ins and outs but it was partly based around a girl).

Ok i admit i wasn't in love with her but hey i didn't think that at the time, and that wasn't the only issue BUT and this is one Chica Lopez big BUT. Despite not remembering the situation around it i will always regret not going to Hong Kong.

Now the problem with your friend is the sticky part in this as i have faith that Jonathan and you will survive your being away. IF you can't resolve your situation with her do you even need to be there with her? If you can do it alone do so, you'll make a zillion friends and you'll probably be better off.

That's just my 2 cents

mat



 
jennemmer Posted: Thu Sep 9 10:15:37 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Libra,

Take the opportunity. As a person who has now left twice for 4 month periods at a time within my current relationship I've been over my pros and cons and that's what always comes out.

It is hard. But if your relationship can't handle that, then maybe it needed a second look anyways.

Make a point to e-mail almost daily and call at least weekly. I've found that once the level of communication drops below that, one or the other person in the relationship starts to feel left out of the other persons life.

You are going to come back a different person. Experiences like this change people. Know that it is going to happen and make sure Jonathan knows it, too. This isn't a bad thing, but I would have liked to know before I went that I would spend at least a week when I got back getting re-aquainted. (honnestly, it is kinda fun re-falling for someone you are already seeing).

As for your friend, I don't really have much advice there. Maybe choosing to go with her as opposed to staying with Jonathan will help smooth things over. Is it maybe that she's just worried that you are going to 'back out of your deal'?

Best of luck with your decision and feel free to e-mail me if you have any other questions (jennemmer@hotmail).


 
addi Posted: Thu Sep 9 10:17:43 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Addi says go for it. I survived a similar situation and it actually made my relationship much healthier. Yeah, it did suck at first though...I teared up on the flight overseas I was so miserable (what a wimp, I know). After some time went by I was very glad I followed through on my plans, and it made me a better partner in the long run. You never know if the opportunity will come up again or not. Your girlfriend and you will work things out I think.
You don't want to be sitting home next year thinking, "Damn, I could be not having sex with Christophe right now in Europe!"

Ludwig just chimed in and he says don't blow your relationship with your boyfriend. Postpone your trip for now and go some other time.


 
FN Posted: Thu Sep 9 10:21:08 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hmm.

I don't know if you wanted my opinion but I'll give it anyway.

4 months is a very long time to be separated.

Chances are you'll have grown away from eachother, end up miserable because of missing eachother, and more likely than not one of you will get laid during those 4 months of separation.

It's all very nice to think that won't happen, but the plain and simple facts are that chances of something like that happening are a 1000 times higher than you guys staying together after 4 months of separation.


Despite all of that I think you should definately go.

No offence but let's face it your relationship won't last and like you said yourself stuff like this will only cross your path once in a lifetime and you'll always end up wondering how it would have been like and as soon as the relationship is over you'll probably end up regretting that you didn't go.

Personally I think it is plain stupid to base serious decisions like this on an emotional basis.

Besides, he's a candian. ;o)

Seriously though, you'll find that europe is all it is hyped up to be (come on hif, shoot me) and if the relationship survives it, all the better, if it doesn't, it wouldn't have lasted that long anyway.


I think you won't go.


 
webmaster Posted: Thu Sep 9 11:41:53 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I say go. A chance of a lifetime, and as the others have pointed, if the relationship can't withstand 4 months, something isn't right. As for the other things like money and future trips, you worry about them when they arrive, if they arrive.

Life is too short, too precious, and the world is out there for your taking. Don't be one of those who end up complaining that they didn't do something when they had the chance.

Hey, and you might meet Christophe, and isn't that reason enough. If you do meet him, punch him in the face for me. :)


 
libra Posted: Thu Sep 9 12:07:35 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hi you guys. And thanks.

I must be incredibly emotionally instable right now, because i started crying when i read your guys' posts.


I know I could go. And I know I could go and have fun. I would be so sad to leave Jonathan, but I'd get through it. But, there's the part of me that says, maybe I want to stay here with him. Maybe three months with him is worth a year's worth of travel...

I told him last night that maybe Florence will be THE great experience of my life, and i'm passing it up, and he replied with: "What if this is the experience of your life, you and I?"

I know that partially he's just sort of guilting me to stay, but he's right, as well.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but I'll keep you guys posted and keep you in mind if I have any other ideas.

The thing is...it's easy to tell someone else to leave a loved one to have a fun experience, and I'd be saying the same thing a lot of you guys are if someone came to me with this. But actually leaving him will be so horrible.


 
iggy Posted: Thu Sep 9 12:34:02 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  webmaster said:

>Hey, and you might meet Christophe, and isn't that reason enough. If you do meet him, punch him in the face for me. :)

chip in my share too... :)


 
addi Posted: Thu Sep 9 12:46:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:

> But actually leaving him will be so horrible.

tough decisions: the downside to growing up


just remember that either way you decide it isn't going to make or break the rest of your life. Keep things in perspective. You'll still be lovable [redacted] whether you're here or there : )


 
iggy Posted: Thu Sep 9 12:51:21 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  you see my dear libra,
the most important thing is, what do YOU want to do?

if 4 months apart will ruin this relationship, then what about other challenges in the future?

don't ever let anyone make u feel guilty or make u stay because he just wants u to be around.

don't trust me? hey, look at me...
i'm glad mo let me go, no matter what the reasons were...

if we held on to the relationship, i wouldn't find this job i'm having now.

today my business manager said, before i joined my company, something was still missing.
now that i'm in, the family is complete.
u know, those words just sealed a lifetime contract with them?
if i kept on to the relationship, i wouldn't be in this company pursing my dreams?


so do what You got to do.
cos i don't want you to blame yourself nor him for comprimising on your life nor your passion.

it's not fair for you or him... :)

*hugs*




 
novemberrain Posted: Thu Sep 9 13:18:14 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
>The thing is...it's easy to tell someone else to leave a loved one to have a fun experience, and I'd be saying the same thing a lot of you guys are if someone came to me with this. But actually leaving him will be so horrible.

Leaving a loved one is horrible. My girlfriend at the time, who I loved very much, broke up with me when she left for Africa for a year (it ended up being 9 months...but whatever). She told me she didn't want me to wait around for her. I would have, in a heartbeat. I also wanted her to stay here, but I never outright asked her to, nor ever tried to guilt her into it.

He may want you to stay, but to ask you to give up an opportunity like this is also very selfish of him. (if he has)

My advice: Both of you invest in some stamps and stationary and overseas calling cards. A handful of months is not forever.


 
webmaster Posted: Thu Sep 9 13:29:10 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  novemberrain said:
>He may want you to stay, but to ask you to give up an opportunity like this is also very selfish of him. (if he has)
>
>My advice: Both of you invest in some stamps and stationary and overseas calling cards. A handful of months is not forever.

Very, very well said.


 
erikagm Posted: Thu Sep 9 13:31:08 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I stopped doing many things I wanted to do because of my ex.

When we finally broke up, it hit me how STUPID I had been to pass them up.

And if you don't break up, you'll end up having the best of both worlds.

And if he's sucky enough to try to guilt-trip you into not going, he's not even worth the hassle of worrying about him.


 
jennemmer Posted: Thu Sep 9 15:53:09 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  >I'm still not sure what I'm going to do,

As my mother has counciled me on many occasions, flip a coin and go with you gut (are you angry or upset at the result or excited about it. I find I'm almost always one or the other).

>The thing is...it's easy to tell someone else to leave a loved one to have a fun experience, and I'd be saying the same thing a lot of you guys are if someone came to me with this. But actually leaving him will be so horrible.

It hurts, but it's like wine or chocolate, sometimes the bitter adds to your appreciation of it.


 
libra Posted: Thu Sep 9 17:07:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Well.

I've been walking around in this 1/2 daze all day. Sitting in my Art History class hearing the word Italy italy italy italy from the teacher over and over again. That's one of the reasons why i was excited to go, to see the art.

Maybe i'm doing this in my head to make up reasons why I should stay besides my boyfriend, but I've come to several conclusions:

1. When I first decided about going to study abroad, part of it was because there was a part of me that was unsettled, unfullfilled, unhappy, or something of the sort. But now, I don't have that anymore, so going away doesn't seem necessary.

2. I don't want to live in such a structured environment. Living with my friend and three complete strangers in a tiny apartment and sharing a bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, doesn't sound appealing at all to me.

3. The teachers over there aren't italian teachers, they're teachers from my own school, or others in the area, so basically, i'm paying about $10,000 to go sit in a room for 6 or so hours monday through thursday to go to my same school, its just been relocated.

4. I don't like the whole 'group' thing. I don't want to wander around with a bunch of other students looking at things on our friday 'fieldtrip' days. I want freedom to explore on my own...

I'm mostly writing these things down for myself, because continuing to writed down my thoughts will help me to figure myself out, but I welcome any feedback you guys might have...You've been helpful so far.


 
Mark Posted: Thu Sep 9 17:23:45 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  reading this, it sounds like you've already made up your mind. In your first and second post, you descripe the journey as an once in a lifetime experience... now you are already coming up with reasons not to go. And number 2, 3 and 4 you could have known a long time ago ...only number 1 changed from a reason to go, to a reason to stay.


 
FN Posted: Thu Sep 9 17:52:11 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Told you you wouldn't go lol.

Agree with wolf.


I would never travel abroad to study. I like it too much over here, wouldn't trade it for the world, but you seemed to have had your mind set to it.

You don't have to justify your decision to anybody but yourself, but don't lie to yourself either, like wolf said, you knew those things way before this.


 
libra Posted: Thu Sep 9 18:04:36 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I just talked things over with my mom again. Tentatively, it looks like i'm staying, not just for jonathan, or for my family, but because right now, I'm happy here in my little city. I like it here, and this might be the last time I get to live like this: at home, with people I love, and having fun with friends, with this sort of freedom coupled with the comfort of home. After this, I'll be living in an apartment in Santa Cruz or Santa Barbara or somewhere unknown at the moment, and I'm looking forward to that. Right now, I don't think Florence is worth the money or the worry or the separation anxiety or the fights with my friend. Maybe I'll regret this someday, but it'll be my own fault, and I'll learn from it. I know I'll have chances to go places in the future, and they will be on my own terms, to places I'm truly excited about. For once, in the past ten years, I don't think I have to go somewhere else to be happy, or for adventure, or to 'find myself.'


 
marsteller Posted: Thu Sep 9 22:35:55 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i think someone called "jonathan" all the time sounds like a big pussy.


 
antartica Posted: Fri Sep 10 01:10:21 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  1. friends need to talk, if you both consider each other real friends, you'll be able to work it out by talking and listening to each other

2. so what about $? you still in school and take it as a great chance to travel

3. if these 4 months will kill the relationship, be glad... i know this sounds real baaaad, but is true, if you can't last 4 months apart, what else could tear you apart?


hey... bottom line is, carpe diem. you onli get one shot at life =)

all the best Libra =)


 
libra Posted: Fri Sep 10 02:21:49 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  marsteller said:
>i think someone called "jonathan" all the time sounds like a big pussy.

i'm the only one who calls him jonathan, his other friends call him "Jon" "Johnny" "Thon" or "Dux" but he introduced himself to me as jonathan, and jonathan he stays.


 
mat_j Posted: Fri Sep 10 19:20:39 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Ok Aa, here's the deal, if you go to Florence, i'll come out and visit you. That's a Mat_j promise, the first one i've made in about four years so don't take it lightly!!!

;-)


 
libra Posted: Fri Sep 10 19:33:57 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  mat_j said:
>Ok Aa, here's the deal, if you go to Florence, i'll come out and visit you. That's a Mat_j promise, the first one i've made in about four years so don't take it lightly!!!
>
>;-)

as exciting as that would be (and it really would be! I'd love to hang out with you.) I'm not going.

And it's not because of Jonathan, or my friend, or my parents.

It's because right now, i really would rather be here than there, to spend some final time in this place i love and call home. I know there will be other opportunities to travel, and better situations in which to do it. I don't really want to go anymore, and i realized that today when i was thinking about how i was going to tell jamie. Yea, i want to see italy and europe, but not this way. I will do it someday, and someday, I'll meet the infamous Mat_j.

Don't anyone feel sad that i'm missing out on an opportunity, because either way, i'm missing out on an opportunity: The opportunity to go away from home to somewhere new, or the opportunity to spend a final semester living at home with my family, being a part of my little city in a way that can never happen again. Sonoma County will change after I leave it next fall, and it will make me sad. I'd rather take this time to be with these people at home than to go away, because I will be going away soon.


 
choke Posted: Fri Sep 10 22:23:49 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Libra you scare me. I'm going away for a year, and you've totally put me off :P


 
Mesh Posted: Fri Sep 10 23:22:25 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  No choke, you must do it. Its a great.

Where you going again? You coming to US, yeah?


 
antartica Posted: Sat Sep 11 00:37:05 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>Libra you scare me. I'm going away for a year, and you've totally put me off :P

you got it?? woohoo! congrats! =)


 
Mouse Posted: Sat Sep 11 03:16:18 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  marsteller said:
>i think someone called "jonathan" all the time sounds like a big pussy.

The depth of this only registered a while after I scanned over this post; I used to have a cat named Jonathan. ;)


 
choke Posted: Sun Sep 12 01:50:37 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Yep I got it, I was going to keep quiet in case they couldn't find me a family and I didn't end up going, but so far I've been accepted. I'm going to USA next August for a year, provided they can find me a host family. So that means I could endup in any state :D


 
Kira Posted: Sun Sep 12 02:36:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I had a good friend named Jonathan, he was lovely if you like mopey pasty misathropic goths. I called him Jon but I think he was secretly annoyed that I didn't use the whole name. ;P


 
addi Posted: Sun Sep 12 11:50:58 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>I'm going to USA next August for a year, provided they can find me a host family. So that means I could endup in any state :D

Come to Atlanta. we have propane and propane accessories here!


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Sep 12 13:14:48 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>choke said:
>>I'm going to USA next August for a year, provided they can find me a host family. So that means I could endup in any state :D
>
>Come to Atlanta. we have propane and propane accessories here!


hahaha

You crack me up Addi


 
FN Posted: Sun Sep 12 13:39:44 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I told you, if you want to come to Belgium I have some extra space in my bed.

You don't even have to bring your luggage along, we don't believe in clothes here.

(Did she buy it? *crosses fingers*)


 
libra Posted: Sun Sep 12 14:16:48 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>I told you, if you want to come to Belgium I have some extra space in my bed.
>
>You don't even have to bring your luggage along, we don't believe in clothes here.
>
>(Did she buy it? *crosses fingers*)


are you talking to me?

hehe, luv ya chris. Maybe someday I'll come visit you, but we'll have to meet somewhere very public, and fully clothed...


 
addi Posted: Sun Sep 12 14:46:00 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  mat_j said:

>You crack me up Addi

in the future i'd appreciate it if you didn't use crack and addi in the same sentence, thank you


"Oh Mattie_J, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side..."



 
choke Posted: Sun Sep 12 16:03:57 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>
>"Oh Mattie_J, the pipes, the pipes are calling
>From glen to glen, and down the mountain side..."
>

:O

I used to sing that in choir... I won a singing competition with that solo!!


 
FN Posted: Sun Sep 12 19:20:49 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
>are you talking to me?

If you want me to be *wink wink* *tries to look cool*


 
FN Posted: Sun Sep 12 19:22:20 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  The offer was actually to choke but I see it as a compliment that you were compelled to see it as directed towards you.

There still is hope. Drop that canadian shmuck and let the 100% Belgian man show you what real lovin' is all about.

That slice of toast was poisoned I tellz ya!


 
Puck Posted: Sun Sep 12 22:27:23 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>So that means I could endup in any state

*ponders over his promise of pizza*


 
libra Posted: Mon Sep 13 02:34:02 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>The offer was actually to choke but I see it as a compliment that you were compelled to see it as directed towards you.
>

well, i guess i'm used to offers from you chris...but i thought it might be directed to choke...i'm sure she'd feel similarly to the way i responded.

>There still is hope. Drop that canadian shmuck and let the 100% Belgian man show you what real lovin' is all about.
>

you know, for some reason, even though other people think you can be kind of obnoxious, i have this odd soft spot for you christophe, and i don't know why...


 
iggy Posted: Mon Sep 13 02:43:56 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  come over to singapore and i'll take ya somewhere nice *smiles*




 
choke Posted: Mon Sep 13 04:09:38 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
i'm sure she'd feel similarly to the way i responded.
>

Hehe... Perhaps in more blunt terms, without the 'luv ya' bit and probably a smattering of unladylike language :P


 
choke Posted: Mon Sep 13 04:12:00 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Puck said:
>
>*ponders over his promise of pizza*

Puck you really know the way to a girls heart :)


 
choke Posted: Mon Sep 13 04:15:52 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
*tries to look cool*

*isn't surprised*


 
libra Posted: Mon Sep 13 10:36:48 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>libra said:
>i'm sure she'd feel similarly to the way i responded.
>>
>
>Hehe... Perhaps in more blunt terms, without the 'luv ya' bit and probably a smattering of unladylike language :P

haha, i'm just too nice for my own good...


 
Puck Posted: Tue Sep 14 17:58:22 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>Puck you really know the way to a girls heart :)

lol


 
FN Posted: Tue Sep 14 18:30:04 2004 Post | Quote in Reply  
  choke said:
>Christophe said:
> *tries to look cool*
>
>*isn't surprised*

Yeah I know, I always look cool


 



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