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Drunk Ramblings about a leaving girl (cieste la vive!)
Asswipe Posted: Sat Jan 15 13:51:34 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Last night, about 5am i wrote this 'cause I couldn't sleep. It's born from the fact that a girl i've been seeing is going to europe for a month, starting monday, and will probably be travelling around for a good while after that, not knowing where she'll end up so i don't know what's left of her for me. I was going to show it to her this morning, but I couldn't do it, but I wanted someone to see it. I guess I am sort of ashamed to be so much into the girl after only knowing her for a couple months, which is why I couldn't show it to her. anyway, it ain't a poem:


Cause it don't matter anymore,
when life's winds scrape the floor
and music's nothing more than a brown spot on a white rug.

i hate it.
destroy all the uncertainty
and the nights when destiny's undone
and magic thoughts run into a blemished smile.

of course, of course...

of course, and here i sit, unable to keep my hands from shaking and mind
from aching 'cause I CAN"T.

"are you alright?" she asks

"fuck" that's all I can think, my only response to a question and a topic
i've dreaded for weeks. and maybe it'd be christmas eve every night,
full of apprehension and smiles and kicking wool socks, but the chance
to know is long gone, uprooted by an atom bomb. boom, flash, gone...

and she's right there, sleeping between my sheets, eyes closed and her world
is gone. and i wish i could find comfort in her sleeping body; in soft arms,
a warm back and flower scented hair, but with it all passing away tomorrow,
and with her reaction to it, i can't, not while knowing that it's basically
over.

"what have the past few weeks ment to you?" I want to ask her. and if it's
the case, that i've been nothing more then a kljlkllkjlkjljklkjjlklkjlk

that's all...

what was i thinking?

give me a god damned fairy tale. fuck your reality.
'cause it don't involve me.

and she asked, she tried. and there was no way in fuck i'd be honest with
her. i can't do it, because it's too fucking pathetic to mention. pipe
dreams and their death, and i still cling to any possibility to connect.
WHY?!

what am i looking for and trying to press? the girl was cold to me all
fucking night long. and maybe it's for the same reason i ain't feeling
her dead body right now, because, tomorrow, it's a god damned dimple of a
memory on the crust of an orange peel.

and i don't know what i could say to her. i don't remember anything i've
said here. i'm just me, staring at a blank piece of paper and jamming keys
like a toddler with a plastic hammer. bang.

BANG

i'm selfish, selfish, selfish! so selfish!

good for her to ship off and try out a new scene. she'll have the same issues,
sure, but at least the setting will change.

i wish her the best.

i want to drive staples into my palm. clip up this message and watch the
red dots of blood soak through.

where's my resolve? where's my fix and logical solution? Sure, I could say
i've lived, learned and am ready to play more ball, but, really, i'm just
left here knowing that we could have been good. but i don't know shit.

it's been a lot of fun during the times that i've forgotten the inevitable end.

boom

cieste la vive

and more... i am far too into you, as you've seen from the above ramblings;
i don't know why i let myself crawl along like this, and i don't know what
my goal of it all was, is, or ever could be, but know that i've enjoyed
every minute of the time i spent with you,
even knowing that it's all for naught.

cieste la vive.

'cause it's the same way as the big picture of life. sure, eventually we're
all dirt, but in our heads we create these relationships and feelings and
all the rest which are supposed to make it all worth while, even if the
inevitable end keeps tapping you on the shoulder with a fucking cinder
block.


 
FN Posted: Sat Jan 15 14:24:44 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hmm.

To quote my psychology professor: "people try to take away the pain by creating relationships which are the cause it".

I could be wrong, but I can more or less imagine how you feel right now.

I'm sure you aren't asking for advice and all of that, who can say somethjing useful anyway, you'll stay pissed off because she's leaving, and I would be too.

I'd just mention that I think it's a good thing you didn't show her, because she would think that you "really" *need* her and therefor respect you less as you it would place her above you in the relationship.


 
Asswipe Posted: Sat Jan 15 15:18:23 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  well, i was drunk when i wrote this and, anyone who has been drunk or has good drunk friends can attest to the melodramatic mind fuck that can accompany a night of heavy drinking.


i am okay in my non-innebriated state. It ain't an easy thing to do, saying good-bye when everything's going so well, but i think we'll see each other again and i've a bunch of other stuff to focus my mind on. Like cleaning my appartment.

thanks chris. and your psychology professor sounds like a buddhist.


 
FN Posted: Sat Jan 15 15:41:23 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Asswipe said:
>or has good drunk friends can attest to the melodramatic mind fuck that can accompany a night of heavy drinking.

Haha

It's always fun to remind them of those moments of melodrama though when the problem has passed.

>i think we'll see each other again

If it's only a month you're pretty safe I think.

Unless she's a skank, but it seems like she isn't.

>your psychology professor sounds like a buddhist.

I think he's an ath๋ist. He's really cool guy though who "has his act together" you might say. I figure being a professor in psychology kind of turned him into that.


 
erikagm Posted: Sat Jan 15 16:27:07 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Well, regardless of what Cristophe may say or think, I agree that you were right in not showing it to her, but not because of what Cristophe says, but because it would place undue pressure on the both of you.

On her, cuz she would be torn about her decision to leave,

and on you, cuz you'd probably fret over her reaction to it.

Plus, she was probably cold to you that last night (if what you wrote is correct) because she was already trying to detach herself from you so the departure wouldnt hurt as much.

Blergh. I hate goodbyes.

Im having a crappy time keeping my act together while Im still stuck here in Leon and my girl is in Mexico city.

It's hellish to just have to wait things out and see how they unfold, and I have to, lest I want to just throw all I've done and gotten for myself in these past years to the trash and go traipsing to Mexico jobless and see what happens, which I really dont want to, and dont plan on doing.

I finally have an economic level of life that I like, and I plan on keeping it.

It may sound selfish, because otherwise I could already be in Mexico city with my girl, being together, but what good would that be if it meant having to suffer because we cant so much as afford a cup of coffee on a rainy afternoon? I'd rather wait, and see what turns up. And pray that something turns up soon...


 
Asswipe Posted: Sat Jan 15 17:02:48 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  erikagm said:
>Well, regardless of what Cristophe may say or think, I agree that you were right in not showing it to her, but not because of what Cristophe says, but because it would place undue pressure on the both of you.
>
>On her, cuz she would be torn about her decision to leave,
>
>and on you, cuz you'd probably fret over her reaction to it.
>
>Plus, she was probably cold to you that last night (if what you wrote is correct) because she was already trying to detach herself from you so the departure wouldnt hurt as much.

well, she was real anxious all night, from dinner on, and she drank pretty hard for probably the same reason later at the bar. i guess i didn't think that it was connected to me at all, but now that you mention that, i feel bad for sending her an e-mail i sent her a bit ago. it's no where near as love sick/stricken as my above drunk ramblings, but it's still something. this is what i sent her:

Hey C,
I just wanted to e-mail you to say a few things i'd have liked to say
earlier, but i'm real, real bad at good-byes, so didn't get it all out.
anyway, thank you: For dinner. For introducing me to the beats. For taking
me to the shows last night. For spending a number of nights shooting the
shit with me. You are the coolest, most beautiful person i've met in a
long time and i wish i didn't have to see you go. But i'm being selfish. I
hope you have a great time running chaos on europe and find some sort of
reasons along the way.

trully and at the height of my sappiness yours,

Jordan

P.S. let me know if you ever find yourself back in town! take care, babe.

after reading what you said, about dropping pressure on people and making it harder, i regret sending it. I appreciate your advice, shitty i didn't wait a bit on the e-mail.

>
>Blergh. I hate goodbyes.
>

ditto

>Im having a crappy time keeping my act together while Im still stuck here in Leon and my girl is in Mexico city.
>
>It's hellish to just have to wait things out and see how they unfold, and I have to, lest I want to just throw all I've done and gotten for myself in these past years to the trash and go traipsing to Mexico jobless and see what happens, which I really dont want to, and dont plan on doing.
>
>I finally have an economic level of life that I like, and I plan on keeping it.
>
>It may sound selfish, because otherwise I could already be in Mexico city with my girl, being together, but what good would that be if it meant having to suffer because we cant so much as afford a cup of coffee on a rainy afternoon? I'd rather wait, and see what turns up. And pray that something turns up soon...

sounds like rough times.


 
thecitizen Posted: Mon Jan 24 20:24:54 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Asswipe,

I am a girl, and I left my country and a lover who I shared as many things we where 16 then and I did not had the courage to say anything so I left and never told him..you did good in sending her such a nice words. Is not pressure..why is it wrong these days to say people we love them and we wish them the best..just because we feel it? it does not mean we have to stay with them forever or sign a piece of paper stating it. why is love or friendship a weakness these days? or some sort of sick joke theme for chessy movies?
I'll tell you the sick twist of my story..he and I meet again a yar ago of course we are 32 now..and when he saw me at a friends home and of course I recognized the voice he just said.."and you did not say goodbye" and I felt sorry I did not because I did love him then and that feeling did not exist any longer so what good does it make now?
We do not feel love for every stranger we found along the way, so when you do..say it, you will not regret it. we do not have the chance every day...
Why is it pressure to express feelings to someone else..just explain to them they do not have to say anything back..friendship, desire, love whatever those are gift we express to other people..not an excuse to own them..the rest is freedom let her be let her find her own way, you will find yours.


 



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