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Pun = Lowest form of humor
ifihadahif Posted: Tue Jan 25 19:59:26 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam"!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????


 
DanSRose Posted: Tue Jan 25 20:37:29 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What's a pirate's favorite letter?
AARRRR!


 
addi Posted: Tue Jan 25 20:45:17 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Man, I despise puns.


 
jennemmer Posted: Tue Jan 25 20:46:22 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wow... ummm... yeah.

I don't know whether to applaud or groan and move on. (#9 deserves an honorable mention though. It's no small task to come up with that one)


 
FN Posted: Tue Jan 25 22:08:28 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Haha.

Wonderful.


I'd post some stupid jokes as well but I already posted most of them once so you guys wouldn't be entertained.


 
thecitizen Posted: Tue Jan 25 22:48:21 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ..#9 tickles my stomach but yet not laugh...


 
Puck Posted: Tue Jan 25 23:47:20 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addison said:
>Man, I despise puns.

Unless they're sexual?


 
Posted: Wed Jan 26 00:28:39 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  what do you call a fish without any eyes?

FSSSHHHH


 
girl Posted: Wed Jan 26 00:50:21 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  haha, punny.


 
DaveHill Posted: Wed Jan 26 04:06:54 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  CriminalSaint said:
>what do you call a fish without any eyes?
>
>FSSSHHHH

Oh god, i actually laughed
*hides in a dark corner*


 
Posted: Wed Jan 26 12:17:10 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  fuck, my avatar is cute.


 
thecitizen Posted: Wed Jan 26 16:30:37 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hey, I had a fish that went blind. It died...couldn't find the food...sick but funny


 
Howitzer Posted: Wed Jan 26 16:31:16 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  if not better, mine is a close second


 
libra Posted: Wed Jan 26 20:15:19 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Howitzer said:
>if not better, mine is a close second

for a minute, i thought howitzer was adding a pun to the list. i felt stupid because i didn't get it. But then i saw the dog in the picture...

*needs more sleep*


 
Silentmind Posted: Wed Jan 26 21:22:04 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Sigh.


 
addi Posted: Wed Jan 26 21:26:41 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  thecitizen said:
>hey, I had a fish that went blind. It died...couldn't find the food...sick but funny

I'm sorry, citizen, but that is really funny! I do feel bad for laughing. Maybe if i had known the fish, and developed some kind of personal relationship I would have cried.


 
thecitizen Posted: Wed Jan 26 23:17:34 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  is OK, I laughed every time I saw it floating around.It was old and around 6 inches long..so it was a red ball floating in the aquarium..I tried to feed it (you know grab it and stuff food into it mouth)but it was too gross. So I let it out of its misery, it died in new years eve! hahahah fishy


 
breeze Posted: Wed Jan 26 23:52:12 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  My friend has a dog, who is so old that it became blind. it's really cute, but when he becomes excited and starts playing with you, he starts bumping into every wall and furniture around and they also don't let him get on couches anymore, since he doesn't know where they end and sometimes just falls down from them. It's very sad, but also funny..


 
FN Posted: Thu Jan 27 05:35:21 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  thecitizen said:
>hey, I had a fish that went blind. It died...couldn't find the food...sick but funny

Haha.

Yes, yes indeed.


 
FN Posted: Thu Jan 27 05:37:28 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A friend of mine has some dogs as well, one of them "Nero", is blind.

It's incredibly funny, since they all have their seperate cage for when they're not running around in his yard, and every time you call the dog's name it smashes up against the cage at full speed haha


 
thecitizen Posted: Thu Jan 27 09:24:59 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  hahahah, that's funny!. I have a chiwawa and she barks at everyone like she is a Pitbull, I always look at her and tell her, some day a guy is going to jump the fence and kick your big mouth, what are you going to do then uh? and she looks at me with sad puppy eyes. I think she understands the point though

(yeah I talk to my dog)


 
addi Posted: Thu Jan 27 09:34:39 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  breeze said:
>it's really cute, but when he becomes excited and starts playing with you, he starts bumping into every wall and furniture around

: (

That happens to me when i get excited and it really hurts to bump into things.


 
Mesh Posted: Thu Jan 27 09:36:07 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Are there lots of broken Vases in your house?


 
baristapro Posted: Thu Jan 27 20:29:50 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  a termite walks into a bar, sits on a stool and asks, "hey, where is the bar tender?"

get it, get it? It's funny because he says "bar tender". See? I'm hilarious.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Half way!

I LOVE puns...It's that really good Jewish sense of humor that I share with my grandfather.

THIS ONE ROCKS

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to
see his Rabbi about it.
“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah,
cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has
decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
“Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought
my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune,
then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian.”
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer"
replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "






 
Puck Posted: Thu Jan 27 21:00:54 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  misszero said at one point:
>how to you get 100 babies into a bucket? with a blender.
>how do you get them out again? With doritos!

What's the difference between a dead baby and a football?
I don't know either.


 
baristapro Posted: Thu Jan 27 21:27:58 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Puck said:
>misszero said at one point:
>>how to you get 100 babies into a bucket? with a blender.
>>how do you get them out again? With doritos!
>
>What's the difference between a dead baby and a football?
>I don't know either.

What do you give a dead baby for Christmas?
A dead puppy!


 
Mesh Posted: Thu Jan 27 23:30:40 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Whats the difference between Albert Fish and Richard Ramirez.

Richard Ramirez didnt have any good recipes to recommend.

Ehh....ehhhhhhhh. I guess you have to know who Albert Fish is and what he did, GOREADIT! There is a nice long read about him at crimelibrary.com.


 
Aeon Posted: Mon Jan 31 00:21:13 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  meshuggah said:
>Whats the difference between Albert Fish and Richard Ramirez.
>
>Richard Ramirez didnt have any good recipes to recommend.
>
>Ehh....ehhhhhhhh. I guess you have to know who Albert Fish is and what he did, GOREADIT! There is a nice long read about him at crimelibrary.com.


Short story- Albert Fish: Cannibal who put nails in his genitals! WHOO HOO!

Richard Ramirez: IDIOT. Blaming heavy metal... he sucks.


 
Mesh Posted: Sun Feb 6 03:32:13 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Aeon said:
>
>Short story- Albert Fish: Cannibal who put nails in his genitals! WHOO HOO!
>
>

Oh damn you! I had forgotten all about the nails he put into himself.


MMMMMEH


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Feb 6 10:53:16 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What's got a mustache and smells of corpses?

Freddie Mercury's corpse


 



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