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chanz's random nonsence is back...!
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:18:22 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  it's been a while since i did this

so here goes




 
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:18:37 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  London Tube announcements

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers....

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....’”.

“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided”.

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ...) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home....”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door” “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways”

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage”.


 
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:24:43 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Office Dares

Why not initiate an office dare system?

One Point Office Dares

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.



Three Point Office Dares

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.



Five Point Office Dares

1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9) In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade "

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do you hear that "What " "Never mind, it's gone now."

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.



And if that wasn't enough for you . . .

1) At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that "

4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S***** FAVOURS".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8) Don't use any punctuation.

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"




 
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:26:29 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What NOT to Do While in the Theatre When Watching "LOTR: Return of the King"

(warning: contains spoilers!)


1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait...where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming, "YOU.....SHALL NOT..... PASS!"

3. After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says, "the Ring."

5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

6. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mis..ter Ander-sonnn."

8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"

9. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

10. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep," Monty Python style.

11. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

12. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout, "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

13. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

14. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

15. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

16. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

17. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

18. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for a tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

19. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

20. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

21. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

22. When Sam holds Frodo's hand (or otherwise), start singing, "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"

23. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"




 
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:28:19 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  What if The Lord of the Rings was Written by Other Authors?

Shamelessly taken off the boards at www.straightdope.com



LOTR by Mickey Spillane

I was sitting by the fire, puffing on a pipe, still nursing a hangover from the ale-fest the night before, when HE walked in.

He had a long white beard, a magical staff, and legs that youd like to eat on toast.

"Are you Frodo Baggins," he intoned.

"I might be," I said. "Who's asking?"

"My name is Gandalf, Mr. Baggins. And I need your help."

I looked him over. "Lots of people need my help. What makes YOU special?"

"Well, Mr. Baggins... there is a certain piece of jewelry. If it fell into the wrong hands, it could prove... troublesome. I need someone to take this ring to Mount Doom, where it can be destroyed."

I stuck some more weed in my pipe, and said, "Look, doll, let's get one thing straight- you can't come into my hole, tell me a fairy-tale about a magic ring, bat those pretty eyelids, and have me fall at your feet. I stick my neck out for nobody."



LOTR by Ernest Hemingway

It was very late and everyone had left the hall except an old man who sat in the shadows the leaves of the old Mallorn made against the moonlight. The two elves inside the hall knew that the old man was a little drunk, and while he usually was quiet and kept to himself they knew that if he became too drunk he would start setting things on fire, so they kept watch on him.

"He's drunk," one elf said.

"What do you care?"

"He's muttering about the secret fire."

"Leave him alone. He used to carry a ring."

"He'll stay all night. He should never have been rebodied."

The old man rapped on the table with his goblet. The younger elf went over to him.

"What do you want?"

The old man looked at him. "Another miruvor."

"You'll be drunk," the elf said. The old man looked at him. The elf went away.

"Look at his bushy eyebrows," he said to his colleague. "There is nothing as nasty as an old Man. He'll stay all night and I'll never get any sleep."

The elf took the bottle of miruvor from the counter inside the hall and marched to the old man's table. He poured the goblet full.

"You should never have been rebodied," he said to the old man.



LOTR by Mark Twain

NOTICE:

Persons attempting to resolve the question of Balrog wings by means of this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to define the nature of Tom Bombadil will be banished; persons attempting to find allegory in it will be shot.

BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR,

Per G.G., Chief of Ordnance.

FOREWORD:

In this book a number of dialects are used, to wit: the Quenya Elvish dialect; the extremest form of the Rhovanion dialect; the ordinary Sindarin dialect; and four modified varieties of this last. The shadings have not been done in a haphazard fashion, or by guesswork; but painstakingly, and with the trustworthy guidance and support of personal familiarity with these several forms of speech.

I make this explanation for the reason that without it many readers would suppose that all these characters were trying to talk alike and not succeeding.

THE AUTHOR.

CHAPTER 1

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Red Book of Westmarch; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Frodo Baggins and his Uncle Bilbo, and they told the truth, mainly. There was things which they stretched, but mostly they told the truth. That is nothing. I never seen anybody but lied one time or another, without it was the Lady Galadriel, or Elrond, or maybe Gandalf. The Lady Galadriel - the Lady of Lothlorien, she is - and Elrond, and the wizard Gandalf is all told about in that book, which is mostly a true book, with some stretchers, as I said before.



LOTR by George Orwell

"I cannot read the fiery writing," said Frodo.

"There are few who can," replied Gandalf. "It is the language of Mordor, which I will not speak here. Translated into the common tongue, it reads:

'All rings of power are equal,

But some rings of power are more equal than others.'"



LOTR by Dave Barry

At the end of the Council of Elrond, everyone concluded that 'Shards of Narsil' would be a great name for a band.



LOTR, by John Milton

Of the great War of the Ring, and the tast

Of that Forbidden power, the long and

Arduous trek, thru' fiery, blasted plains

With faithful Hobbits and treacherous beasts

To Chaos' edge, and there to cast the One

To endless fire and eternal death:

Sing Heav'nly Muse, that in Rivendell did'st

First teach of the Rings of Power forgéd,

In the beginning how the Dark Lord Sauron

Brought into the world from fiery depths

Of Doom this ring of gold, pouréd into't

His Malice and his Evil; I now

Invoke thy Aid to my Adventrous song

That struggle as it might to take to th'air

Though will I drag from bottomless perdition

Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime

And justifie the ways of men to Elves.



LOTR by Tom Clancy

The King of the Nazgul (KotN) fingered the safety buckle that secured the shortsword in it's scabbard. It was modeled after the Gladius design, making it wholly inadequate for going up against Elven armour, but it was perfectly suited for being jammed in the collarbone of a Hobbit 'merc, without calling too much attention to it's owner. His XO, "Camel" Khamul had used a similar weapon in numerous CoIN missions in North Gondor, where he had been sent to disrupt "Elrond's" supply fellowships sneaking down the Is-ild-ur trail.

The KotN smiled, even without a head. This mission was almost going to be a mead-run. Taking out a squad of sleeping halflings was going to be easier than slaying Wyvyrns sitting on a tarmac...



LOTR by Dr Seuss

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!

I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.

You have a slim chance, but I have none.

I will not take it on a boat,

I will not take it across a moat.

I cannot take it under Moria,

that's one thing I can't do for ya.

I would not bring it into Mordor,

I would not make it to the border."



LOTR by Danielle Steele

Eowyn felt her heart flutter when she saw him. His raven hair flew in the breeze off the plain, and his piercing eyes caught her gaze as if by magic. He bore a kingly attitude; surely he was a prince. Her mind turned to forbidden things, things which would be forbidden to the King's niece, but surely allowed for a free shieldmaiden. She knew that she was made to love this ranger.



LOTR by Ayn Rand

Smeagol writhed in corruption, his lifelong attempts to collectivize the Hobbit economy had twisted his soul and body and brought ruin to the Shire. "Precious," he muttered. "Precious colective good giving according to need." He shuddered at the thought of the unbroken individual standing proudly over a conquered plain with the Ring, and felt jealous that the wholesome power could not be his.



LOTR by Choose Your Own Adventure

You're sitting in your hole, smoking a pipe and drinking some fine hobbit ale, when the door knocks. Outside, there's Gandalf the Wizard. Do you let him in?

If yes, go to page 65, if no, turn to page 43.

Page 65

"Ah, my dear Frodo, it's good to see you. Now, my boy, I'm here on urgent business. The magic ring your Uncle Bilbo took from Gollum is cursed, and must be taken far from here, until we decide what to do with it. Will you take on this mission?"

If yes, go to page 13, if no, turn to page 72:

Page 72:

"Your courage does you honor, Frodo. Take this ring, and I'll meet you later. Do you want me to meet you at Galdriel's tree fortress or at Elrond's palace?"

For Galadriel's fortress, go to page 88, for Elrond's palace, turn to page 27.

Page 68:

As you enter the forest, the beautiful Galadriel and her footmen greet you. She says, "My, you're courageous to take this quest. Carrying that ring must be exhausting. Would you like to keep it, or give it to me?"

To keep the ring, go to page 47, to give it to Galadriel, turn to page 88.

Page 88:

"HAHAHAHAHAHA, you foolish halfling," she cries. "Now I am beautiful and terrible and mighty, and will rule all the Earth."

As she laughs, she signals her minions to torure you to death. At least, you die knowing you won't be around to see all of Earth under her tyranny.

THE END



LOTR by a Lawyer

COMES NOW, plaintiff, Sauron, to file this original Complaint, and would show this honorable court the following:

1. Plaintiff and party of the first part, Sauron ("Sauron") is a(n) (un)natural person, and resident and domiciliary of Mordor.

2. Defendant and party of the second part, Frodo Baggins ("Frodo") is a natural person and resident of Hobbiton. Co-Defendant and party of the third part Samwise Gamgee ("Sam") is likewise same.

3. All parties being properly diverse, jurisdiction is proper pursuant to 28 M.E.C. 1332. Damages far exceed the minimum jurisdiction of the court.

4. Defendant has converted and trespassed against the chattel and personalty of the plaintiff, namely, the One Ring ("Ring") and is liable to plaintiff for same.

5. Plaintiff would further show on or about the final day of the Third Age, defendants did intentionally cause the destruction of Ring while plaintiff was engaged in defending his business from hostile takeover. In the alternative, plaintiff pleads that the actions of the defendants toward ring amount to recklessness, gross negligence, and negligence.

6. As a direct result of destruction of Ring, plaintiff has suffered actual damages in the form of irreparable harm to his business and personal reputation, as well as direct and indirect loss of income. Plaintiff has further suffered from mental anguish, humiliation, and loss of consortium.

7. Insofar as actions of defendants were intentional, plaintiff further requests punitive damages in the amount of treble his actual damages.

WHEREFORE, PLAINTIFF, SAURON, PRAYS FOR: all reasonable damages above named; FURTHER, plaintiff prays for all additional relief in law or equity deemed necessary and proper by this honorable court.


Respectfully submitted,

Mouth of Sauron
Attorney for Plaintiff
Middle Earth Bar No. 734925639



LOTR by CNN

Ringbearers still at large

Mordor (CNN) - Reports from the field have just arrived that the notorious group of ringbearers known mysteriously only as "the nine" were spotted by a band of orcs entering the terroist safe haven known as "Lothlorien" several days ago. The Mordor State Department issued an official proclamation today that the group were known to be armed and dangereous and had already caused the death of many orcs in the region as well as the notorious brutal murder of a high ranking Balrog previously resifding in Moria. They warn that any concerned citizens were to contact the Mordor Foriegn affairs office immediately with information as to the whereabouts of these fugitives and to not try and confront them themselves.

"We will act in our utmost to bring these terroists to justice" President Sauron declared today. "These terroists are attacking our way of life, our culture and the way we live. The world must know that the collected will of the dark lords minions will be strong and resolute."

First detected in the town of Bree in the north of middle Earth, these terroists wasted no time in coldly taking the lives of all nine Ringwraith Agents when it was discovered that they were on a plot to topple Mordor. It is believed that the group is composed of primarily hobbits backed up by support from a wide variety of races including dwaves, elves humans and a mysterious backer only known as "Mithrander".

"I must stress, Hobbits are a primarily peace loving race" President Sauron warned today after a spate of hate attacks against hobbit dwellings. "These hobbits are extremists, fundamentalists, they do not speak for hobbit kind".

Agents also believe that these terroists have strong links to the group that assasinated the Foriegn Diplomat, Smaug, earlier this age. If so, it would explain the impressive array of mythical weapons that the group has acquired.

So far, the terroist group has been utilizing safe houses in elvish country to evade capture and have slipped passed even the most stringent defences the Dark Lord has set in place. Residents are afraid for their children and people have stopped going out at night. "How am I going to let my kids go out and torture humans if I know that theres a group of orc killers roaming the countryside" a concerend mother said today".

Experts believe that, if these rogues are not brought to justice, a rash of copy cat attacks will follow and severely hurt the economy.

-- written by CNN correspondant, Saurman



LOTR by The Onion

Area man loses magical ring of power, thinks it may be behind the couch.

Local area man Sauron (last name withheld for privacy reasons) has been looking everywhere in his spacious 3 bedroom volcano for a ring he forged over 6000 years ago. He claims that the ring, although of little intrinsic value, has great sentimental value to him since he poured most of power into it.

"I mean, I guess it could be used to turn people invisible and bend knigs to your will and stuff like that, but basically, its just a nice gold ring which I happen to like wearing"

Having last seen the ring when he went outside to check on some damn punk kids who were making a whole lot of noise outside of his estate in Mordor, he's not quite sure what happened to the ring after that.

"I was just going outside to shut those damn elves up, yaknow. There always barging in here every thousand years or so demanding I stop razing their lands and enslaving their people, gets to be kinda a nuisance yaknow."

Sauron reports that he is not quite sure what happens next but, all of a sudden, he becomes a discorporated spirit, capable of doing no more evil than a overly dry turkey club sandwich.

"Anyway, I dunno what happened but I guess I just dropped the ring somewhere. Gee, I hope nobody picked it up cos, that would be theft plain and simple and even elves are above that. Although, come ta think of it, those damn whippersnapper 'umans mighta done it. There not above anything, them spoiled brats."

Hoping that nobody picked up the ring over the ensuing 3000 year interval, Sauron is sure that the ring is just wedged behind the refrigerator or maybe even under the bed. He has high hopes on finding the ring and looks forward to wearing it again.

"Yaknow, about the only place I haven't checked yet is the forging room, I was going to do it two days ago but there was some ruckus with a spider in the west quadrant. At this rate, I probably wont get a chance to have a good look in there until next week."



LOTR by Seinfeld

Seinfeld Episode 144: "The Ring":

So anyway my uncle gives me this ring of power and I can't even recharge my cell phone with it. What's up with that?

"Don't tell me you lost the ring George."

"I had it a minute ago. I must have left it in that restaraunt."

"No Rings for you," cried the Soup Nazgul.

"This guy who wants me to get rid of the ring is named Gandalf. Have you ever met anybody named Gandalf? What's up with that?

The Council of Elrond:

"Sauron created the ring of power in the year...yadda, yadda, yadda... and that's how Frodo here got it."

Why didn't Sauron make a spare ring? What's up with that?



LOTR by Eminem

Lord of the Rings-Eminem

Do you know what it's like to be given a quest

To be told that my best is a jest in the mess of a world my parents confessed?

To be told that I'm going to fail no matter what I do

That everything's gonna go black

To be given a ring that my uncle's addicted to like smack?

A ring he won't let go

`It's mine,' Bilbo says, `just let go, Frodo,'

`F**k you,' I say, `You know yo flow is blow, that ring ain't no f**king memento.'

My man Gandalf comes in and lays down the law

Oh no motherf**king Bilbo sees his flaw

'Take this thing,' he says to Gan, and hands it over to the man

'Now it's been given,' he says to him, 'given and now I'm going to Rivendell.'

`Rivendell, hell," Gandalf says, 'elves run that place like some f**kin' jail cell, you do well to go to a Deep of Helm's,' he said.

`I'm going to Rivendell,' Bilbo said. `I'm sorry Gandalf but I'm going. Now take that f**king ring before it blings and f**king makes me cry like some f**king halfling.'



LOTR by Tarantino

Excerpt from 'Pulp Fellowship' by Tarantino (please excuse the length)

2. EXT. HORSE DRAWN WAGON (MOVING) - MORNING

A rickety Horse Drawn Wagon creaks down the dusty back roads of the Shire. On the drivers board are two people-- one a Wizard, the other a Hobbit - the wizard wearing Homespun Robes and a pointy hat, the Hobbit standard Hobbit clothes, with a thin tie. Their names are Frodo (Hobbit) and Gandalf (Wizard). Gandalf holds the reigns.

FRODO

That did it, man -- I'm f**kin' goin', that's all there is to it.

GANDALF

You'll most certainly enjoy it. But You know what the funniest thing about Gondor is?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

It is the small differences. Many the same things we have here, they have also there, but there they are somewhat different.

FRODO

How so?

GANDALF

Well, in Rohan, you can buy Pipeweed at a theatre. And I don't mean in a rolling paper either.

They give you a pipe full of weed, like in a guest in your parlour!

In Minas Tirith, you can buy weed at Denethor's. Also, you know what they call a Long Bottom Leaf in Gondor?

FRODO

They don't call it a Long Bottom Leaf?

GANDALF

No, they have no sense of the Shire there, they wouldn't know what the f**k a 'Long Bottom Leaf' is.

FRODO

What'd they call it?

GANDALF

Sweet Galenas.

FRODO

(repeating) Sweet Galenas... What'd they call Silver Star?

GANDALF

Silver star remains Silver Star, but they call it the 'King's' Silver Star.

FRODO

What do they call Old Toby?

GANDALF

I know not, I could not find Old Toby. But you know what they put on Mushrooms in Gondor instead of Bacon?

FRODO

What?

GANDALF

Mutton.

FRODO

Goddamn!


 
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:29:25 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  oh yeah...
to the newbies....

i do not reference my shit.

so if u have a problem with that...
please look the other way and leave me alone to my postings...


 
iggy Posted: Mon Mar 14 04:34:50 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  You Know It's A Bad Day When...

The sun comes up in the West.

You jump out of bed and miss the floor.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

The blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.

Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office (and DA is waiting on the phone...)

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.

You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

You wake up to discover that your water bed broke, and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

You get a rejection notice from the HUMOR Listserver saying that you're no longer funny...

Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

Your ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test!

You wake up at work naked in front of your co-workers.

Your lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are here to move me."

You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.

You need your chocoholic fix and the government just banned chocolate!




 
addi Posted: Mon Mar 14 07:36:48 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  My cure for the Monday morning work blues
Thanks, chanz


 
Mark Posted: Mon Mar 14 09:39:27 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  lol... this rocks dude


 
Mouse Posted: Mon Mar 14 15:01:01 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I love the first ones.

>5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
I do this one sometimes, and my stepmom does it too.

Mouse


 



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