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misery loves company...
andariel Posted: Fri Mar 18 15:22:44 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ...and Drama needs advice

I've been through more in my 18 years than most 40 year olds will their whole fucking lives. Im normally a really good sport about it, I always like to think that the SHIT Iíve dealt with has only made me a stronger better person. The last week, last night particularly, has been the final fucking straw and now I need help, words of wisdom. Ya'll seem good at that so I come to you with high hopes.

A little history first: I'm 18. When I was 13 my best friend in the world, James, who was 16 at the time committed suicide over a girl and drugs. I've always felt that if I'd have been there at the time, had been a better friend, he'd still be with us. I feel like I'm to blame 'cause one of the last things I said to him before he was gone was "don't fucking talk about it, if you feel that strongly do it." And he did. I found the body and let me tell you there is nothing like seeing your best buddy hanging with open wrists and whatnot. Guilt and horror of that aside, He and I were apart of a really tight knit group of friends. When you grow up in a shit part of town you tend to make friends to last, safety in numbers watch each other's back sort of thing. The group had been together for 6 years by that time and when James offed himself the others followed his lead. Of ten there are two left; Eric and myself. I feel like I could have stopped the whole thing and carry guilt for each death. The lest one went Aug 28 2003. Aside from the suicide gang I've lost three friends to more normal deaths; two to a drunken car crash one to a fall climbing. Again I carry guilt. I should have been on the climbing trip, he'd never been good tying knots. They asked me to drive them before they drove themselves I told them that I was too drunk to drive and I hated to drive anyway. I should have taken keys, called a cab, something anything.

A fast run down of the last week: I went home to Denver for half of spring break to see Flogging Molly play the Fillmore. The show was on Saturday I got in Thursday night. I spent that night out with old friends and an ex-boyfriend. Friday I was going to spend with my mom, just hanging out at home, but while we were out shoe shopping I found an ex and when he asked if I wanted to hangout I couldn't say no. So I ditched my mom. While hanging out with this ex my friends from college got into town and came over too. We crashed at my ex's place that night and thus spent most of Saturday with him too. When we were collecting people for the concert we gathered at my ex's (cause most of us were there anyway) Well over the corse of the day he decided that he loved me again. Not something I want. Anyway, Sunday I'm getting my shit from Mom's so we can get back to Durango she's like "thanks for spending enough time with me for me to buy you shoes". We have to pick up things from my ex's and he's like "I love you, are you going to ever come back to me? I can't have you fall back into my life to just take off again." As we're heading out I start thinking about my Dad and how I didn't even CALL him while we where in town so I ask to head to his house... He's not there. I start crying and other wise feeling horrid when the guilt hits me. I should have stayed out of my ex's life, spent the rest of Friday with my mom, Friday night with my dad. That would save three people pain that I cause. So we hit the road, me crying like a baby. I notice that the road we're taking goes to my dads work if we go up a little past our exit so I make the driver go to dads work so I can at least say hi. Dad's lost weight which would be good if not for the fact I know it's 'cause he's not eating right 'cause he can't afford to. $10 a hour 30 hours a week, $700 rent + bills and he's paying my mother for something for me, he hasn't got enough to go around. So I get back in the car feeling even lower.

Spend Monday till now wallowing in self pity.

Now, the bit that takes the cake: Last night, the almighty of holidays, while drunk my best friend in the world the guy I latched onto after James killed himself,(also named James tho I call him Tiny) tells me he lied to me. The illness he was telling me would go away is really cancer, which is what we thought it was at first. He's going to die in 6 to 8 months of lung cancer. After tell me this he starts to feel bad know what it means for me. He drinks way too much while on too many medications and then passes out in that scary drunk way where you can't wake them up and they donít breath right and all that shit. I make a friend carry him to a couch where we put him on his side. Like right after we get him down he pukes (good thing). Safely knowing that he's ok for the moment I lost it. I fucking lost it. I cried, I yelled, I felt like crap. I'm going to have lost everyone of my friends. Anyone Iíve ever called my "best friend" will be dead within a year. So as this all settles in my mind, as it starts to sink in just what this all means I get... into the worse mood I've ever been in. I scream more. I sob. I cry that I'm a death trap and everyone who gets close to me dies. I hit my head on the corner of a counter as I sink to the floor. I cry more. I try to get up. I notice knifes. I stop crying and study the knifes, it hits me that I should die before anyone else I love can. I know that's a stupid thought, I throw the knifes into the sink. Pissed that I'm still alive I start crying again. And screaming. Then I throw beer bottles. I break Cody's oven, and a lot of beer bottles. Cody picks me up off the glass covered floor and carries me to his bedroom where I'm not allowed to be alone (knife collection).

How the FUCK do I deal with ANOTHER death? How the HELL do I get over so much guilt? Please Help me out here. If nothing else someone tell me that they know how this feels 'cause I've never felt more alone.


 
jennemmer Posted: Fri Mar 18 15:45:20 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I can't even begin to know what to say... so just
*Hugs*

(and yeah, people getting cancer sucks)


 
laurie Posted: Fri Mar 18 17:32:14 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  *group hugs* in order.
ack all i can say is my thoughts are with you, and try not to bottle your feelings up, talking about it is the best coping mechanism, cliche as it is.
xx


 
Aeon Posted: Fri Mar 18 18:30:33 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Maybe instead of worrying about your friend's death you should be spending as much time as possible with him. Maybe you could make a tape of you two together or get him to write something so you can remember him when he's gone. Basically, worry about crossing the bridge when you get there.

Dealing with your past, though, is a whole different matter and only you can figure out just how you are going to cope with it.


Just my two cents.


 
Silentmind Posted: Fri Mar 18 23:58:12 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  *hugs* Thats really all I can say. Other than spend time with your friend. It might be hard, but as Aeon says, do things together so you will always have a memory of him, the good times and such. Don't know if that helps, but ya.


 
Dancer Posted: Sat Mar 19 00:40:42 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i feel sorry for you.. you are 18 and yet you've gone through so much. But i believe you are already a strong girl. Like what Aeon said, spend more time with him, you need to be strong to walk with him his last journey..i believe he feels more terrible than you and you need to make him feel strong to face it.

i lost a cousin bro to cancer just last month, he was reduced to barely human and we all know he's in such grave pain, and everyone feels really painful inside as he's the kindest man we've ever known. In a way when he passed away, though sad, we all felt relief for him, that he no longer need to suffer such pains again.

This is life. You need to face it. We all have problems thrown at us everyday.. the qualifiers are those who survived it all ..and the true winners are those who help others along. I believe you can do so. you might feel shitty now, but think of your friend who feels worse than you.

*pats* you go girl!


 
Asswipe Posted: Sat Mar 19 05:35:05 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  because i'm gonna be a dick.

It sucks that people gotta die, but, for the most part, it's their own damned fault, especially to do it at such a young age. your buddy with cancer who's gonna die in 6-8 months passed out from drinking too much? Why the fuck is your buddy w/ cancer doing any drinking at all?

excuse me for asking for clarification, but your buddy at 13 killed himself by both slitting his wrists and by hanging himself? sounds like the guy really wanted to die.

i don't know man. it sounds like you've choosen a real fucked up life and you're hanging out with people who've also chosen real fucked up lives and you're wondering why it's all so fucked up.




 
Mark Posted: Sat Mar 19 13:07:29 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hey, sorry to hear all that but donít continue focusing on your guilt, focus on your friend. Be with your friend as much as you can if you really want to. Be a friend.

On the other hand, I do agree a little with Asswipe. About the suicide: if someone really wants to go, nothing can stop that person and judging from your story, he really wanted to go.


 
libra Posted: Sat Mar 19 14:39:05 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Being so far away from your situation makes it hard for me to say much of anything, except mimic what some others have said. I think you really need to stop feeling guilty. Because you cannot blame yourselves for your other friends' deaths.
Spend time with your friend, make some memories together, try to make his last few months more bearable.

*hugs*


 
kurohyou Posted: Sat Mar 19 16:28:46 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  A few thoughts...take them for what they are worth.

Death, no matter how it comes or when it comes is harder on the living. It always has been. Chalk it up to whatever you'd like, fear, misunderstanding, attachment, whatever the cause, death causes those of use who are left behind more turmoil and pain than it causes the person who has died.

My personal belief is that the reason it is so hard for us is because we don't see it as a natural course of life. We all have to die. That's one thing that is certian. It would seem that you have lost a lot of close friends early in their lives, and that can be hard. The emotions you are having to it are natural.

Try to look at death as another step along the journey that we all must take. Given that we don't know what happens after we die, speculation on heven, hell, nirvana, or nothingness is irrevelant. Its a step we all must take. Your friends have taken the next step in their journey. Try not to feel bad about that, you are on your own journey, cherish the time that you have with those around you, for at some point, even if it is 30 or 40 years down the road, you too will be seperated from them.

Try not to carry around guilt for things that you feel you may have been able to change. Your friends choices were theirs. It doesn't really matter if they were good choices or bad choices, what matters the most is that they were not your choices. You did not make the choices for them. Try not to carry around that kind of guilt, or any kind for that fact.

Try to envision that your friends, who are gone, and those who will be going, will continue to live through you. You carry the experiences you had with them through you. You share them with us here on GT, and with others whom you encounter, and in so doing, your friends continue on.

Take the good things you and your friends have done and tell them to others, share that pleasure that you have had and perhaps you will brighten someones day and give them a good story to pass on.

Take the bad things that they have done, and use them as lessons, not only for yourself, but for others around you. If you feel that something they did was a mistake, present it as such. We all make mistakes it doesn't make us worse than anyone else. But take those experiences and share them with people and perhaps, through you, your friends can prevent someone from making a similar mistake, and in so doing, they will live on.

Your friends live on and will continue to live on through you, share them with those you encouter and they will out-live you.

I know that these words seem hollow, and probably a bit out there. The idea of people living on in spirit, while a nice notion, does nothing to ease the pain you are experencing now-I know this. But if you can look deep inside, and see things, you'll see your friends, and every effect they have had on you. You can turn to your memories of them and they will be there with you. Give it some time, it doesn't happen all at once. But if you try to see it, it will happen.

I have not experienced the number or the types of deaths which have plagued your life in my time on this planet. I have been associated with people who have committed suicide, I had a sibling of one of my students kill himself beginning of this school year. I have had students who graduated last year die from asthma attacks, and I have known siblings of a guy I went to school with die in a drunk driving accident after making a poor decision to drive. We all know death, maybe not as closely as you have in this case, but we all have seen it, and its not easy, but you're not alone.

To close I'd like to share a story with you. Its a story Buddha told to a woman who came to him hoping that he could bring her son back after he had died. There a number of versions of this story, this is one I found in a google search which actually contained the names of the people in the story.

-----------------------------------------
"There was a rich man who found his gold suddenly transformed into ashes; and he took to his bed and refused all food. A friend, hearing of his sickness, visited the rich man and learned the cause of his grief. And the friend said: "Thou didst not make good use of thy wealth. When thou didst hoard it up it was not better than ashes. Now heed my advice. Spread mats in the bazaar; pile up these ashes, and pretend to trade with them." The rich man did as his friend had told him, and when his neighbors asked him, "Why sellest thou ashes?" he said: "I offer my goods for sale."

After some time a young girl, named Kisa Gotami, an orphan and very poor, passed by, and seeing the rich man in the bazaar, said: "My lord, why pilest thou thus up gold and silver for sale?" And the rich man said: "Wilt thou please hand me that gold and silver?" And Kisa Gotami took up a handful of ashes, and lo! they changed back into gold. Considering that Kisa Gotami had the mental eye of spiritual knowledge and saw the real worth of things, the rich man gave her in marriage to his son, and he said: "With many, gold is no better than ashes, but with Kisa Gotami ashes become pure gold."

And Kisa Gotami had an only son, and he died. In her grief she carried the dead child to all her neighbors, asking them for medicine, and the people said: "She has lost her senses. The boy is dead. At length Kisa Gotami met a man who replied to her request: "I cannot give thee medicine for thy child, but I know a physician who can." The girl said: "Pray tell me, sir; who is it?" And the man replied: "Go to Sakyamuni, the Buddha."

Kisa Gotami repaired to the Buddha and cried: "Lord and Master, give me the medicine that will cure my boy." The Buddha answered: "I want a handful of mustard-seed." And when the girl in her joy promised to procure it, the Buddha added: "The mustard-seed must be taken from a house where no one has lost a child, husband, parent, or friend." Poor Kisa Gotami now went from house to house, and the people pitied her and said: "Here is mustard-seed; take it!" But when she asked Did a son or daughter, a father or mother, die in your family?" They answered her: "Alas the living are few, but the dead are many. Do not remind us of our deepest grief." And there was no house but some beloved one had died in it.

Kisa Gotami became weary and hopeless, and sat down at the wayside, watching the lights of the city, as they flickered up and were extinguished again. At last the darkness of the night reigned everywhere. And she considered the fate of men, that their lives flicker up and are extinguished. And she thought to herself: "How selfish am I in my grief! Death is common to all; yet in this valley of desolation there is a path that leads him to immortality who has surrendered all selfishness."

Putting away the selfishness of her affection for her child, Kisa Gotami had the dead body buried in the forest. Returning to the Buddha, she took refuge in him and found comfort in the Dharma, which is a balm that will soothe all the pains of our troubled hearts.

The Buddha said: "The life of mortals in this world is troubled and brief and combined with pain. For there is not any means by which those that have been born can avoid dying; after reaching old age there is death; of such a nature are living beings. As ripe fruits are early in danger of falling, so mortals when born are always in danger of death. As all earthen vessels made by the potter end in being broken, so is the life of mortals. Both young and adult, both those who are fools and those who are wise, all fall into the power of death; all are subject to death.

"Of those who, overcome by death, depart from life, a father cannot save his son, nor kinsmen their relations. Mark I while relatives are looking on and lamenting deeply, one by one mortals are carried off, like an ox that is led to the slaughter. So the world is afflicted with death and decay, therefore the wise do not grieve, knowing the terms of the world. In whatever manner people think a thing will come to pass, it is often different when it happens, and great is the disappointment; see, such are the terms of the world.

"Not from weeping nor from grieving will any one obtain peace of mind; on the contrary, his pain will be the greater and his body will suffer. He will make himself sick and pale, yet the dead are not saved by his lamentation. People pass away, and their fate after death will be according to their deeds. If a man live a hundred years, or even more, he will at last be separated from the company of his relatives, and leave the life of this world. He who seeks peace should draw out the arrow of lamentation, and complaint, and grief. He who has drawn out the arrow and has become composed will obtain peace of mind; he who has overcome all sorrow will become free from sorrow, and be blessed.""

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I am not so niave to think that this will end your pain, nor your questioning of how to handle this, but I hope it helped in some way, and that you don't think I'm some kind of ranting nut job.

For what its worth...


 



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