Generation Terrorists » Forum
Sign up   |   Start new thread   |   Lost password?   |   Edit profile   |   Member List   |   myGT   |   Blog
Keyword
From
To
 

Sand Slipping Through the Hourglass
addi Posted: Sun Jul 24 10:26:29 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Over the thousands of posts I've made here I've shared a lot of my opinions on life and politics and silly stuff. I haven't shared much though on my personal life (for a lot of reasons). I feel the need now to write down my thoughs and fears about a major change in my life coming this week...mostly because I'm hoping getting it out of my system may be good for me. I've dreaded this event for years now. I don't really expect most of you to relate to this.

My son is moving out this week to live with friends and start college next month. Kids growing up and leaving has been going on for ages, I know, and I understand it's a natural part of life. Some parents I know are happy to get their children out of the house. I have never been able to relate to this attitude myself. My life has revolved around him for the past 18 years, for good or for bad. I remember his first steps, the first time he read to me, and the difficulty I had with his growing up and separating himself from me (it happened SO quickly). Life is full of watershed moments, this is one for me and for him.
Going into his empty room later this week after he clears everything out will be very sad to me. I dread the feeling of emptiness that I know will come...the feeling of permanent change and separation in both of our lives. You can love your children and they can love you, but you can never go back to the way things were.
In my head I know this is important and good thing, a necessary thing, but in my heart I know it will be a major adjustment in my life, one that will take time to get used to. I also fear what effect it will have on my marriage, but I'll omit going into any details on that for now.
I know that change is inevitable, but I hate it sometimes. I have a poor history of dealing with it.

If I am missing for a little while, or my posts seem to have a flavor of heaviness to them in the coming weeks this is why, and I wanted you people to know. I may go through this much better than anticipated (I hope), or I may go into a deep funk for a little while...I really don't know. All I know with certainty is that I love him, and that I will miss him greatly.

Thanks for indulging me.


 
Beep Posted: Sun Jul 24 10:32:53 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addi said:
>You can love your children and they can love you, but you can never go back to the way things were.

Very thoughtful post and i am touched.
May I reccomend a book for you? it is not about this issue but it touches on it and it is a good book for when you are feeling low and lost:
'Siddhartha by Herman Hesse'
It always makes me see the world in a new light and i think it would help you.

Whether anything i have said has done anything i think i stand for all GTers, whether disagreaing on some opinions of polotics or sheep, or the faithfull followers of General Addi Adderson we will all wish you luck and comfort.

Like the topic title hints at i say cherish your last moments and keep in touch, life is way too short and quick..


 
mat_j Posted: Sun Jul 24 12:26:56 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hey addi, don't be sad, just be jealous, the dude's going to have the time of his life (especially if he's a chip off the old block)! Don't look at it like losing a son, look at like gaining control of a TV remote.

Peace and love as always

M




 
beetlebum Posted: Sun Jul 24 19:26:16 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Beep said:
>addi said:
>>You can love your children and they can love you, but you can never go back to the way things were.
>
>Very thoughtful post and i am touched.
>May I reccomend a book for you? it is not about this issue but it touches on it and it is a good book for when you are feeling low and lost:
>'Siddhartha by Herman Hesse'
>It always makes me see the world in a new light and i think it would help you.
>
>Whether anything i have said has done anything i think i stand for all GTers, whether disagreaing on some opinions of polotics or sheep, or the faithfull followers of General Addi Adderson we will all wish you luck and comfort.
>
>Like the topic title hints at i say cherish your last moments and keep in touch, life is way too short and quick..


Not to take this thread in a different direction, because it should be about Addi, but woah. Hermann Hesse is one of my all time favourite authors EVER... I prefer Demian and The Glass Bead Game m'self, but anyway, I do agree that reading some Hesse may help... but in the end, I don't think that anything you do will take away the ache that accompanies empty nest syndrome. Although my mom said it gets easier. Although she also said that the moment I was born that she realized she'd never breathe an easy breath again and she was right, she hasn't ever since. Grin. I guess it just comes with the territory.


 
innocenceNonus Posted: Sun Jul 24 19:36:21 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Very touching. Made me wonder if my parents feel the same thing.

From the opposite side of the spectrum, I've only recently come to feel slight remorse over leaving. Only five weeks ago did I let go of my mother's transgressions against me [I sound so pompous, but that's as close to the truth as I can write it without having to go into too much detail.] and just recently i've dived into helping out my youth group. I've been working hard, and the recent change in my once-stagnant lifestyle has now made more heavy ties with things I would have once left easily.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that your son is prolly a little sad over leaving too, but it's a great adventure for him. he'll get a chance to live out "on his own" and meet new people and do all sorts of fun and crazy things. [Dunno if that's all that comforting. But it is a good opportunity for him.]

But I'm glad you're supporting him through it and putting your own wishes aside. Cheers to you, friend.

Things change, and it's rough. But you'll get through it. You're a tough one! Ludwig tells me so.


 
FN Posted: Sun Jul 24 21:17:46 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Being a kid of divorced parents it's really easy for me to say goodbye to people or not seeing somebody I care about for a really long time. However, I'm pretty sure your son is just as anxious as you are about going away.

Sure, things won't be the same, and he'll be gone for a while, but he'll be back. And look at it this way: a lot of fathers haven't made it this far without running into a major stalemate with their children. You're probably not that bad as a dad, and your son will know that for sure, and appreciate you because of it, so I don't think you have to fear about not seeing him anymore, he'll be eager to get back to you when he has the chance as well.



As for the relationship, I can only guess, but I figure it can go 2 ways; either you guys now have a lot more time with eachother and can finally do stuff you couldn't do before when your son was there, like walk around naked in the house and have a quicky on the dining table when you accidentally have to pass eachother, and that extra time you can spend with eachother will revive the relationship or keep it in shape if you will.

Or, it could mean that now that your son is out of the house you get tired of having to spend so much time with eachother without the distraction of your son running around, or you might feel like your son was some sort of glue in a way that was keeping you guys together, which would now no longer be a decisive factor. Not to discourage you or anything, but for a lot of couples children leaving the house seems to be the push they need to break up as a lot of the responsibility of having to create a home for your child suddenly vaporises.



Whichever way it goes, I wish you all the best. Honestly.


 
ifihadahif Posted: Sun Jul 24 21:34:09 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Less time with him now for sure, probably for the rest of your lives, but each minute you do spend with each other will be much more meaningful.

All three of my sons are now grown and moved on. I can tell you this much, you are lucky he left on his own.
My middle son (25yrs old), I had to kick him out a year ago last May, we haven't spoken since and only keep in touch thru my youngest son who talks to him on the rare occasion.
It's painful,for sure but it can't last forever. I have a grandchild on the way now and might possibly not get to meet him for a long time.



 
addi Posted: Mon Jul 25 07:27:24 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Thank you good people. I'm taking part of this Wednesday off to help him move out. Definately not looking forward to that.
A few responses to those of you that took the time to share your thoughts:

Beep,
I have read Siddhartha (years ago). Thank you

Mat_j,
I NEVER gave up control of the remote. I need something long and hard in my hands when I'm watching the boob tube : )

Beetlebum,
You're correct...it does come with the territory, and I wouldn't trade in the experience for anything.

Innocence,
He's a combination of excitement and anxiety right now....and I'm thinking of kicking Ludwig out with him.

Christophe,
I'm a child of divorced parents too, but it had the opposite effect on me...I have separation issues I still deal with. No comment on your other area of advice, but thank you.

Hiffer,
Compared to so many parents my problems are miniscule. I hope you are able to reconsile your differences down the road with your son. Beep is right..."life is way too short and quick.."

A sincere thank you to all my concerned friends here. Trying to take it a day at a time right now.


 
breeze Posted: Mon Jul 25 11:25:51 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I'm sure that it will make your ties with him only stronger, at least this what happened to the relationship with my parents after I moved out. I was very excited to finally start "adult" life with no parent supervision and all, and I couldn't really feel their pain of being away from me. Now that I live thousands of kilometers from them and get to spend very little time with them, I value every minute spent with them and every conversation more than ever before. I can relate better to them, I listen to them more often, I share my experiences with them more often than I ever used to living with them.

It's a big change for both of you, but you should be happy that he'll start his own life now. He'll need you as he moves along this way, so just keep to communication going...Good luck. *hug*


 
jennemmer Posted: Mon Jul 25 11:39:22 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Hey Addi,

*Hugs* I'm going through the opposite very soon and it's interesting to hear the other side of things. I'm not sure if any of the following ramble helps or not but you've got me thinking so I'm going to post anyway ;).

I've been living on my own for 3 summers now but once classes starts I move back and live in my Dad's basement while I go to school. In January I move out perminantly. While I'm starting to think about how I'm going to move my stuff down to Chicago and what to keep and what to sell and what to store my dad right now pretty much refuses to even think about the fact that I'm going to be moving away.

Our relationship has changed a lot over the years. My Mom was my primary care giver until she left my Dad when I was 18. Suddenly my dad became my primary care giver when I was old enough not to need one anymore. We had all sorts of power stuggles for a while as I found some of my freedoms cut back because he hadn't been the one to start letting me grow up yet. What we eventually settled into was a relationship that was as much friendship as parental and though he'll always be my Dad first I'm going to miss him all the more because we are friends. That said I think that's also what's going to help us keep in touch.

Bottom line I guess is that Dad's are important and though he's leaving if you two have a good relationship you'll definitely find some way of keeping that.


 
addi Posted: Mon Jul 25 12:08:20 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Thanks much, Breeze and Jenn. Hugs

I knew when I posted this that 99% of you would be looking at this from the other end of the perspective (I'm just getting too damn old for this place I think).

I think it all boils down to the "to every thing there is a season syndrome". We had our season of 18 years together, and now it's time to move on. The saddness I feel is for the changing of that season..and the uncertaintly of what lies ahead.
This thread is just a written manifestation of my grieving the upcoming loss. I had to let some repressed emotions out. I know that as time goes on I'll adjust to the changes, just like I've adjusted to other major changes in my past.
I'll try to remain positive and optimistic and focus on how this whole thing could actually be good for both of us.

Thanks again very much


 
kurohyou Posted: Mon Jul 25 12:24:25 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addi said:
>Over the thousands of posts I've made here I've shared a lot of my opinions on life and politics and silly stuff. I haven't shared much though on my personal life (for a lot of reasons). I feel the need now to write down my thoughs and fears about a major change in my life coming this week...mostly because I'm hoping getting it out of my system may be good for me. I've dreaded this event for years now. I don't really expect most of you to relate to this.
>
>My son is moving out this week to live with friends and start college next month. Kids growing up and leaving has been going on for ages, I know, and I understand it's a natural part of life. Some parents I know are happy to get their children out of the house. I have never been able to relate to this attitude myself. My life has revolved around him for the past 18 years, for good or for bad. I remember his first steps, the first time he read to me, and the difficulty I had with his growing up and separating himself from me (it happened SO quickly). Life is full of watershed moments, this is one for me and for him.
>Going into his empty room later this week after he clears everything out will be very sad to me. I dread the feeling of emptiness that I know will come...the feeling of permanent change and separation in both of our lives. You can love your children and they can love you, but you can never go back to the way things were.
>In my head I know this is important and good thing, a necessary thing, but in my heart I know it will be a major adjustment in my life, one that will take time to get used to. I also fear what effect it will have on my marriage, but I'll omit going into any details on that for now.
>I know that change is inevitable, but I hate it sometimes. I have a poor history of dealing with it.
>
>If I am missing for a little while, or my posts seem to have a flavor of heaviness to them in the coming weeks this is why, and I wanted you people to know. I may go through this much better than anticipated (I hope), or I may go into a deep funk for a little while...I really don't know. All I know with certainty is that I love him, and that I will miss him greatly.
>
>Thanks for indulging me.

I have been leary of responding to this post because I have very little to offer in the way of advise of any sort. It was once said, "never take advise from a man who never had your sort of problems." And though I am a parent, I have about 12 years before my first will be leaving.

I did however want to offer my support and also chime in with the hopes that all will work out. More often than not they will.

It seems to me that events like this, any movement in our lives, any major changes, be it a graduation or a death, serve as reminders that we should cherish the time we have with each other, whether that person is a spouse, a child or just a good friend.

We don't have the luxury of imortality, nor do those around us. And sooner or alter we will find our selves seperated from those we care deeply about.

Granted, your son growing up is not the end of your relationship with him, but it does signal a change. But you know that. Hell you're older and wiser than I, and If I'm around I'm sure that you be hearding from me when I go through this with my son and daughter. I anticipate the daughter being worse than the son.

I will stop now because I'm starting to talk about things I really know very little about and I don't want to cheapen, downplay or minimize what you are experienceing with a lot of rambling.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts as you go through this transistion.

For what it's worth...


 
addi Posted: Mon Jul 25 12:39:18 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  kurohyou said:

>I will stop now because I'm starting to talk about things I really know very little about and I don't want to cheapen, downplay or minimize what you are experienceing with a lot of rambling.

lol
Kuro, you're one of a kind. You're advice and thoughts are always welcome. In fact if I was gay I'd kiss you, but, alas, I'm not...you're not...so you'll have to settle for a sincere thank you.

Now please excuse me...I need to visit the monitor cleaning thread once more. I'm sure mine's dirty again.





 
DanSRose Posted: Mon Jul 25 17:05:19 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  filthy mcnasty said:
>Less time with him now for sure, probably for the rest of your lives, but each minute you do spend with each other will be much more meaningful.

I second hif on this one. Oh so very much so.


 
Asswipe Posted: Tue Jul 26 03:46:38 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  if you really long to have someone mooching off you and dependant on ya, i'll move right on in. I think my parents are gonna be done with me in a few months.


 
addi Posted: Tue Jul 26 07:09:36 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Asswipe said:
>if you really long to have someone mooching off you and dependant on ya, i'll move right on in.

: )
Thanks for the kind offer, Ass, it's tempting, but I'll pass on it. I already have a dog, two cats, and Ludwig mooching off me...and my son will still be money mooching as well..just from another location.


*last night was it. No more offspring sleeping in the room next to me, cept for visits....weird

sigh


 
kurohyou Posted: Sun Jul 31 19:50:39 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addi said:
>lol
>Kuro, you're one of a kind. You're advice and thoughts are always welcome. In fact if I was gay I'd kiss you, but, alas, I'm not...you're not...so you'll have to settle for a sincere thank you.

Lol...I missed this...thanks addi, I apprecite it and I'm flattered...

Any idea on how your boy is adjusting to being out of the nest?

My brother just go a job with a Sheriff's Department 3 hours West of us. He is moving to be closer and was living out of a hotel last week during his first week until he can make more permenant housing arrangements. I talked to him the second to last night he was up there and he said he was ready to come home for a little while. (He works (3) 12 hour shifts and has four days off) It made me smile. He's not my son, but he's my little brother, and always will be. I know he will be fine, it will just take a little adjusting to. Thus is life a constant series of ajustments to our ever changing environment.

Hope all is well in your world for him and your family.

For what it's worth...


 
laurie Posted: Mon Aug 1 08:39:04 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Addi. : )
Life moves too fast.. Sorry i missed this.



 



[ Reply to this thread ] [ Start new thread ]