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Remain single or get married?
CorDrine Posted: Tue Aug 16 11:37:55 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Which do you prefer? And why?

I've always thought I'd remain single all my life. I was anti-social, totally unfemine, and IQ drop to zero in front of the guy I am infactuated with. Guess life just had other plans for me ...


 
Christian Posted: Tue Aug 16 11:46:30 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ...Marriage!!! Definitely!!!...for me...my life just keeps getting better...not for everyone though...just makes some people miserable. It can only work if you can develop as an individual completely and freely, inasmuch as you develop as a couple. :-)





 
addi Posted: Tue Aug 16 11:53:36 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  is there a third choice?


 
FN Posted: Tue Aug 16 11:59:06 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I don't believe in marriage. You get tired of people, plain and simple, why create bonds that are very tough to break, when you know that you both will come at a point in life that you'll have had enough of eachother.

I believe very strongly in freedom. So I do not believe in forced living together.

It leads to nothing but trouble and frustration in the long run.


 
libra Posted: Tue Aug 16 13:54:16 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Marriage...for as long as it's good.

I don't believe in staying together to honor wedding vows and things like that. I think a marriage would take work, definitely, like all human relationships. But if it's beyond helping, it should end, and hopefully the two people can see that the time they had together was worthwhile.




 
Ahriman Posted: Tue Aug 16 14:53:41 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
>Marriage...for as long as it's good.
>
>I don't believe in staying together to honor wedding vows and things like that. I think a marriage would take work, definitely, like all human relationships. But if it's beyond helping, it should end, and hopefully the two people can see that the time they had together was worthwhile.
>
Are your parents divorced? Nothing is ever beyond repair in my eyes. Life isn't fun growing up with seperated parents.



 
FN Posted: Tue Aug 16 15:03:33 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  It would be even less fun when they're forced to live together against their will, hence the frustration and trouble most, if not all marriages, lead up to.

Life isn't "fun", wether your parents are divorced or not, but I'm pretty sure it only gets *really* messy when you'd have 2 parents who are always fighting and feeling miserable together.


 
libra Posted: Tue Aug 16 15:42:57 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  my parents aren't divorced, but almost everyone i know who has parents who are divorced like it better that way.

And i wasn't necessarily talking about it from the perspective of the kid...i know there's no perfect way to handle a falling apart marriage, and it's hard on kids no matter what.


 
Ed Posted: Tue Aug 16 18:48:45 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  libra said:
Marriage...for as long as it's good.

I don't believe in staying together to honor wedding vows and things like that. I think a marriage would take work, definitely, like all human relationships. But if it's beyond helping, it should end, and hopefully the two people can see that the time they had together was worthwhile.

word

>i know there's no perfect way to handle a falling apart marriage, and it's hard on kids no matter what.

Neh, I was 10 at the time and it didn't make a difference to me.


 
Asswipe Posted: Tue Aug 16 21:27:38 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  the fuck if i know.

for a while i thought my parents did a good number on my brothers and I by splitting up. Due to it, I thought I was somehow psychologically plagued to never have a good relationship, and that might be the case. But it ain't the same for everyone.

An elderly man I was talking to a week or so ago told me about his first and only love. He met his wife at 14, saved up all his money and bought her an engagement ring at 18, and they were together until she died last winter. I saw them together and they were happy. And I see him now, more than a year later, and how much she comes up in conversation and the way his whole body shifts instantly and drops back in the chair in a full body friend, and i gotta say, some people can make it work and love every minute of it. Good for them. Me? I guess I hope for something like that, but who knows what the key is.


 
Asswipe Posted: Tue Aug 16 21:28:56 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Asswipe said:
>the fuck if i know.
>
>for a while i thought my parents did a good number on my brothers and I by splitting up. Due to it, I thought I was somehow psychologically plagued to never have a good relationship, and that might be the case. But it ain't the same for everyone.
>
>An elderly man I was talking to a week or so ago told me about his first and only love. He met his wife at 14, saved up all his money and bought her an engagement ring at 18, and they were together until she died last winter. I saw them together and they were happy. And I see him now, more than a year later, and how much she comes up in conversation and the way his whole body shifts instantly and drops back in the chair in a full body friend, and i gotta say, some people can make it work and love every minute of it. Good for them. Me? I guess I hope for something like that, but who knows what the key is.

that "full body friend" is supposed to be "full body frown"


 
iggy Posted: Wed Aug 17 01:37:55 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i would like to get married one day.
i thought i would with someone, but that was many memories ago.

now... i don't really know.

i still would like to think that i will eventually marry someone, but i think i'm still not ready yet.

i won't lie and say that hell yeah i'm ready.

i don't earn enough. i am still trying to forge my career... and life.

i'm trying to make ends meet... and find myself close to being broke every month.
i do save a little every month just in case... and some of my retirement fund thrown into investments.

but... that's not enough to get married.

i have always thought that all it takes is just 2 people loving each other and then run off to get married.

but i don't think that way now.

there's a life to build after that. and there are bills to pay after that.

i hope there will be a day when someone says 'i do' to me... and when i reply to her that i'll take care of her for the rest of her life... i know that i will be able to keep that promise.




 
jennemmer Posted: Wed Aug 17 02:55:46 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I grew up watching my grandparents who remained madly in love with each other. They both got ill at the same time and they died within six monthes of each other ... it was almost as if they couldn't bare to live apart.

I grew up believing in the possibility of not just a forever but a real "Happily ever after" sort of love

I thought my parents were the same way. I saw very few dissagreements over the course of their marrage and they seemed to enjoy the time they spent together. The part I didn't notice was them starting to spend time together less and less. It was a real blow to me when my mom announced, after 25 years, that she was moving out because she liked her marrage best when my dad was out of town.

That really blew my world to pieces for a while. The relationship I was in at the time fell apart for that reason among others and I came to the conclusion that forever was a dillusion and that my grandparents were a freak anomally, because they were certainly not the rule.

And then I met my boyfriend who got me to believe that love wasn't futile even if you couldn't tell ahead of time where it might go...

Now ... I know that the world is so much better when he is nearby and not so far away. I know that I get a stupid cheesy goofy grin on my face everytime I read his most recent e-mail or hear his voice on the phone. I know that the thought of not being together feels like I'm breathing knives ... I don't know if forever is a real possibility... I don't think you ever know for sure everything is always going to work ... but I am certainly starting to believe it is worth the try. It seems a shame to miss out on something you could have simply for fear of losing it.


 
Beep Posted: Wed Aug 17 07:23:39 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  1/3 marriage ends in divorce, 2/3 in death ;)

heh, but seriously, i think it depends on your version of marriage. marriage in the old sense required it to be a union under god, for some it's just a certificate for the law, in that way the only difference between co-habiting and marriage is the way you are viewed by the law, as in it entitles you to be the next of kin etc.

personally i am sure i want kids and a wife/girlfriend/other half. i don't really care whether it's a proper 'marriage' etc, all i care about is the love for the kids and love for the other person. and vice versa of course.


 
kurohyou Posted: Wed Aug 17 11:46:35 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  As w/ most who have already posted,I think it depends on a lot of variable factors which cannot be siphoned down to an easy yes or no answer.

I think by nature humans seek companionship with each other, and they do this for a number of reasons. Marriage is one way to have that companionship w/ another person, not to say you couldn't have it without the marriage.

I think that marriage has been stigmatized, very much like the idea of love, to the point where its hard to determine what it is or if its worthwhile. For me personally, the major reason I got married was because we got pregnant. That was the right thing to do. I don't regret the decision, but my wife and I both have agreed that getting married for that reason probably handicapped our marriage in a lot of ways. In a sense we both feel trapped by the obligations we have made. Right now we are in the process of navigating what the rest of the marriage will look like if it is to survive.

I like solitude and i'm very possessive of my personal time and space. Something which you don't have a lot of in a marriage. But even though that is where I'm at. I still can't help but smile when I see an old couple shuffling down the street, hand in hand on the way to the same coffee shop they have gone to for the last 50+ years.

My biggest complaint about marriage is the sense of possession that it carries. Its like once you put on the wedding band, you belong to the other person. Granted, its just a symbol, but the emotion which is carried by that symbol is one that I don't agree with. I don't like the idea of being possessed or possessing another person. Its like the story of the flower you run into along the path. While its sitting there you look at it and you think how beautiful it is. You decide to pick it and take it home with you so you can have that beautiful flower with you. But once you pick it, once you possess it, it begins to die. It may take some time, but ultimately it will die, and you'll have a dried flower which isn't as beautiful as when you saw it along the road.

I am very resistant to being possessed, and I don't look at my wife as a possession. She is a free spirit who comes and goes as she pleases. I am blessed to have had the chance to spend the last 10 years with her, despite our ups and downs, she is still one of the most amazing women I know. But I know that one day, we won't be together. Perhaps it will be because she decides that putting up with me is not worth it, perhaps and accident, or perhaps 45 years from now I'll be holding her hand when she passes on. But at some point we will be seperated. Some have told me that this is a morbid and pessimistic way of looking at things, but I use it to remind myself to stay in the present, and to cherish the things I have now, because they will not always be there.

Alas I have rambled on long enough and I fear have made little sense in the process.

For what it's worth...


 
kurohyou Posted: Wed Aug 17 11:57:34 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Asswipe said:
>An elderly man I was talking to a week or so ago told me about his first and only love. He met his wife at 14, saved up all his money and bought her an engagement ring at 18, and they were together until she died last winter. I saw them together and they were happy. And I see him now, more than a year later, and how much she comes up in conversation and the way his whole body shifts instantly and drops back in the chair in a full body friend, and i gotta say, some people can make it work and love every minute of it. Good for them. Me? I guess I hope for something like that, but who knows what the key is.

I love stories like that.

My parents divorced when I was 5, got remarried a short time later and divorced again. I was a wreck in school over it. Until the age of 14 or so I held out hope that my parents would get back together. I was so angry at my dad when he got remarried that I couldn't see. I've never been that angry.

Now that I'm older, I've had a chance to talk to my dad about why he left, and got a view of things which I hadn't before. As Libra said, yes its hard on the kids, but oft times its not about the kids, though sometimes it is. But if its not about the kids, its hard to tell the kids that. I know I didn't look at my parents divorcing as my dad leaving my mom, but rather my dad leaving me, my brothers, my mom was a secondary consideration. I could not, for the longest time come to terms with it.

It was only when I was older and had the advantage of age, hindsight and understanding did I gain any closure on the topic. Only a few months ago did I gain some perspective on its affect on me. For the most part I said that it hadnt' affected me. I cried a lot as a kid, but over all it didn't do much to me. But looking at the way that I do things now, I see how not having a dad around affected me.

I had to learn to be a man on my own. My mom tried, but I had to learn on my own how to navigate the trials of growing up on my own. I freaked out when a girl told me that she loved me in 4th grade. I literally was scared. Had my dad been around, he probably would have sat me down and had a talk about it. But as it was he wasn't around, though my mom tried to explain it to me so I understood, waking me up and using a dictionary at 6:00am the following morning. (Still makes me laugh.)

While in the midst of that, yes its a bitch to try to understand, especially when you are a kid. But I have come to terms with it and my dad and I have a great relationship, though he's more of a friend than a Dad. In all honesty I don't know what having a Dad feels like. I know what it feels like to me, but I don't know what other people feel when they think of their dads. I work very hard not to make the same mistakes with my kids. Time will tell the tale if I am being successful.

Yet another rambling, meandering post. I should work a little now.

For what it's worth...


 
addi Posted: Wed Aug 17 12:11:10 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  kurohyou said:

>My parents divorced when I was 5, got remarried a short time later and divorced again. I was a wreck in school over it. Until the age of 14 or so I held out hope that my parents would get back together. I was so angry at my dad when he got remarried that I couldn't see. I've never been that angry.

I was so hateful of my stepmother that I wanted her to die..thinking naively that my father would come back to my mother then.
Funny thing is that now I have a fantastic relationship with her and love her like my second mom.


>It was only when I was older and had the advantage of age, hindsight and understanding did I gain any closure on the topic. Only a few months ago did I gain some perspective on its affect on me. For the most part I said that it hadnt' affected me. I cried a lot as a kid, but over all it didn't do much to me. But looking at the way that I do things now, I see how not having a dad around affected me.

ditto. In many ways it's still a part of me and affects how I deal with emotional issues in my life. The big difference now (as opposed to earlier in my life) is that I understand where my wacko feelings come from and that helps me deal with things a little more rationally....sometimes

We have a lot in common, Kuro...cept you're probably much older than me
: )


 
Christian Posted: Wed Aug 17 13:55:15 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Jennemmer, I like the "way" you tell your story. Thanks for sharing. :-)


 
CorDrine Posted: Fri Aug 19 10:46:28 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Thanks for sharing you all. I'll still new to it, but I'll share what I can. Before I got married, I was like a lone stranger to the world, standing in front of a dark tunnel. And then there was this person who came along, and held my hand and said, hey, lets walk in there together, and we promise to hold each other's hand and not let go until we each the other end.

And so I said I do. and we started to walk into the dark tunnel together. It was still scary. We didn't know how wide it was going to be, or how long the journey would last us. But when I suddenly hear a creaping noise near me, I have someone else's hand to squeeze, and he squeezes back, and its like, hey, its not gonna be that bad. When I get tired and angry, I squeeze the hand in anger, and he would just let me, just enduring the pain...

We're still in there, wondering our way thru life. Maybe one day we'll finally see the light eh? My first anniversary is coming up soon. One year seems to pass by so fast. There were so many tears, but just as many laughter. I'm glad I got married. Else I would not have know this funny feeling I have inside. Its the feeling of content and happiness just sitting in front of the tv, both bloated from an oily dinner, and still smelling of sweat from a hard's day work. To be able to be together in your worst situation, and still loving each other. Its a nice and very secure feeling . . .


 
Mouse Posted: Fri Aug 19 13:45:35 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Too young to tell, or care.
I'm not opposed to the idea and getting married, but I would really have to trust that the relationship would last several years before I would be willing to actually do it.

Mouse


 



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