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My Dinner With Bubba
addi Posted: Sun Sep 11 13:33:44 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Andre: “Glad we could sit outside in the patio tonight. There’s been so much rain these past two weeks.”

Bubba: Yeah, it’s beautiful out tonight. Guess those loony environmentalists were wrong.”

Andre: “Pardon?”

Bubba: “You know, all those the ‘sky is falling left-wing tree hugging environmentalists’ talking about how our weather is being affected by the millions of gallons of toxic waste we’re pouring into our rivers and air every day. It’s my understanding that many scientists don’t think pollution is really that bad for us.”

Andre: “Uh…okay…guess I’m gonna order a steak. I don’t trust eating the fish anymore because of the high levels of mercury found in so many of them.”

Bubba: “Lies! Spread by the liberal media! It’s my understanding that Ann Coulter eats mercury infested fish every day and look what a nice set of tatas she has!”

Andre: “Just the same I’m in the mood for meat tonight…Man, their menu prices have doubled. I wonder if the high cost of fuel has anything to do with it.”

Bubba: So what if it does? Don’t the mega-big oil companies have a right to huge profits? Are you some kinda anti-capitalist commie or something?”

Andre: No, I’m all for fair and competitive capitalism…never mind…the Steak au Poivre with a potato and a glass of red Bordeaux sounds delicious.

Bubba: Steak ahhh pahvrie? Sounds French to me. I can’t believe you’re actually going to eat something from that cowardly weasel inhabited American hating country of slime sucking frogs. I read on a web site that they are supporting terrorists over there…I’m sure it’s true. A true patriot would order something American…like pizza, for instance.”

Andre: “Hmm…maybe you’re right. Anyway I heard they got a new chef in charge here that doesn’t know how to grill steaks.”

Bubba: LIES AND COMPLETE BULLSHIT!! I know for a fact that the liberal chef before him cut funds for grill training, so it’s really all his fault. And this new chef was the former director of the Bluegrass Wiener Dog Show, so he’s very qualified to head up this kitchen.”

Andre: “Maybe I should order a hot dog then. Anyway…we need to get the attention of our server. I think that’s her over at that table.”

Bubba: “That’s her. I hope you brought a Spanish dictionary with you. I bet she doesn’t even have a green card. My cousin applied for a job here and they hired this Mexican instead. The manager gave my cousin some really lame excuse about it not being very professional to have a mouthful of chewing tobacco while serving food. It’s people like that that make me want to form a militia army and guard the Texas border to keep all these Beans from coming here and taking all the choice jobs. If we shot just a few of them word would spread real quick down there that we mean business…and the dead ones wouldn’t even be missed cuz it’s a fact that they fuck like rabbits.”

Andre: “Maybe you’d be happier if we went to another restaurant. There’s a Middle Eastern place right across the street.”

Bubba: “Yeah, right. Like I’d step a foot in any place crawling with camel fuckers. You heard our health inspector invaded that place last year cuz they had reliable intelligence that the kitchen was infested with CSD’s.”

Andre: “CSD’s?”

Bubba: “Cockroaches Spreading Disease.”

Andre: Oh, right. I read though that the inspectors never found any cockroaches. One article said that the chief inspector was really mad at the owner because he had insulted his father a long time ago…so he wanted to shut the place down to get back at him.


Bubba: “Everyone KNEW that the place was infested with roaches! In fact my understanding is that the employees were secretly training the roaches for bug suicide missions. They were going to super glue explosives on their backs and then send them into places like McDonalds to die for the glory of the Great Bug. I’m positive they brainwashed them into believing that they would die as heroes and go to the bug planet like in that Storm Troopers movie, where they’d spend an eternity with seventeen virgin girlie cockroaches.”

Andre: “That’s a new one to me…So it doesn’t bother you that the inspectors never found any evidence of roaches?”

Bubba: “I’m sure they just rounded them all up and sent them to the owner’s other restaurant across town. I mean, roaches don’t just magically disappear.”

Andre: “Did you hear that some of the heath inspectors died from accidentally inhaling the chemicals that were sprayed? Even some of the regular customers got seriously ill after eating there afterwards from the toxic chemicals that they sprayed indiscriminately.”

Bubba: “Collateral damage. Couldn’t be helped. It’s the price of our national struggle against terrorist bugs threatening our eating establishments. Say…you sound like you don’t think it was a good thing they went into that place. Like the chief health inspector said, ‘Either you’re with us, or you’re against us’.”

Andre: “No, I’m in complete support of our brave young bug exterminating men and women. It just makes me wonder if the chief inspector was really honest about his reasons for invading that particular restaurant, that’s all.”

Bubba: “You’re beginning to sound just like those liberal elitist leftist scumbags controlling many of our food chains nationwide.”

Andre: “Maybe this would be a good time to order.”

Bubba: (to server) “Habla… abbla…anglese?”

Server: “What can I get for you, gentlemen?”

Bubba: “I’d…like…to…order…a…cheeseburger…with…french…fries.”

Andre: “Yes, I’d like a bean burrito with guac and refried beans, thank you.”

Bubba: “Excellent patriotic choice, Andre.”

*This is a work of fiction. All characters and events are the product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

: )

Ahriman Posted: Sun Sep 11 19:42:50 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  God, bubba sounds like a certain person I know. She accompanied us to Shogun, and all she complained about was the accents of people working there. Then when a WNY native came up, she talked about how it's so strange she speaks without an accent. Oh well, eel and wasabi to the day I die.

Posted: Mon Sep 12 14:37:44 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  man, am I happy I waited until I wasn't sleep deprived to read this.

This was a really fun read, Addi. I enjoyed it.

addi Posted: Mon Sep 12 15:11:39 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  CriminalSaint said:

>This was a really fun read, Addi. I enjoyed it.

: )
Thanks, Crim.

I was hoping it would bring a smile or two to a few of you. It's kinda like watching the Daily Show for me. I find myself laughing out loud listening to it, but at the same time it's kinda disturbing.

ifihadahif Posted: Mon Sep 12 16:11:10 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Bubba sounds a lot like Dale on King of the Hill.

addi Posted: Mon Sep 12 17:36:20 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  that show cracks me up. Subconsciously I probably did throw a bit of him in.

"You know I don't sign any document issued by a government institution. "

(Dale to his son when asked to fill out a school permission slip.)

libra Posted: Mon Sep 12 19:52:40 2005 Post | Quote in Reply  
  i giggled. and was sort of sad at the same time.


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