|I get this stuff in my email all the time
||Posted: Tue Mar 7 12:00:04 2006
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||Thought I would share this one:
Latest scam, and according to Snopes.com, this one is real.
Be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall
parking lots from Florida northward.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking,
one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to
your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of
While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat.
Then both are begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as
soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and
rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and
unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet. I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday and Friday. I couldn't find them on Saturday.
||Posted: Tue Mar 7 12:10:24 2006
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didn't see that one coming.
I wonder if he tried again on Sunday?
||Posted: Tue Mar 7 21:17:21 2006
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An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
||Posted: Tue Mar 7 23:50:21 2006
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||haha.... thanks for the picker upper papa thong... =)
||Posted: Tue Mar 14 10:33:31 2006
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||A new one for today:
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted
island for over ten years, saw a speck on the horizon. He
thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as
the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly
there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit,
there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and
said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had
a good cigar.
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket
on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a package
of fresh Cuban cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've tasted the Powers of
good Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve,
unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of
the gods!" stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip
the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She
looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it
been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his trembling
knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't cha be
tell'n me that you've got a set of golf clubs in there,
||Posted: Tue Mar 14 10:47:07 2006
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||Before reading it, I'm guessing it has something to do with the Irishman drinking lots of alcohol. Am I correct? Only one way to find out!
||Posted: Fri Mar 31 11:33:22 2006
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||Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
Mythree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
spread his cheeks
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
||Posted: Fri Mar 31 12:05:05 2006
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It's always funny to read of other people's misfortunes...
and not so funny to hear about yours.
||Posted: Mon Apr 17 08:27:11 2006
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||A few humorous quotes.
 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
 I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
 Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
 Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -Mark Twain
 What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - MarkTwain
 By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; ifyou get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - GrouchoMarx
 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
 The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
 I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa ZsaGabor
 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes younothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol
 Money can't buy you happiness.. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
 What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
 I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
 Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
 Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. -Herbert Henry Asquith
 I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
 I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -W.C. Fields
 We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
 Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
 Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.. but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
 The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown
 By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
||Posted: Wed May 3 15:35:50 2006
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||A Southern Tale of Sales
A young kid from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did"
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."
The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out
at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV
department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat, a truck and a camper?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
||Posted: Thu Jun 1 09:54:15 2006
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|| IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
person behind the c ounter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was
but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
They walk among us ... and they REPRODUCE
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