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I don't want this
Ahriman Posted: Thu Nov 2 23:04:30 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  So a good friend of mine slapped his gf today. He's been pissy for a while with her, and he is becoming quite jealous all the time. I see his path leading to his father's footsteps, who is quite the jackass. I don't want him to continue this, but I don't want to lose a friend. I'm going to confront him within the next day or two (I have school and work). Any advice?

Oh, and no worries about him becoming violent. He knows I can beat his ass three ways from Sunday. I just don't want to have to. I just have a feeling I might have to be to get the message into his head but I need to figure out where I can do this without causing too much commotion. I don't want his mom and sisters seeing this.


 
libra Posted: Fri Nov 3 01:09:02 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  She should've broken up with him for it.

In my own opinion, those kinds of actions (slapping, jealousy, etc) are all signs of weakness and an inability to deal with one's emotions in a non-violent manner.

P.S. maybe it'd be best for his mother and sisters to know. They might be the ones that he would be the most ashamed to have know this...


 
DanSRose Posted: Fri Nov 3 02:11:27 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Talk with her. As much you want to keep him as your friend, you have to make a stand as a human being and make her safe, because this will go one way and that way is the spiral downward.

And yes with Libra. He should be low and ashamed. His sisters and mother and those who could get to him and get into him ...

"Beating his ass" won't do anything. This is about him feeling Power and Control over a situation. What did she do afterwards?


 
Mark Posted: Fri Nov 3 08:40:25 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I agree with libra. When you feel the need to use violence and actually use it, you've lost it. It just ends than and there.

And yes, make him feel ashamed by letting his mother and sister know. btw, that you know, since he is a good friend, isn't he ashamed by that? You know he did it, I guess he knows you know... Didn't that trigger something within him?

Beating him will never do any good. Not only will you not be able to change him with it, there's a good change it makes it even worse. (I have a sudden urge to quote Yoda here) Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate to the dark path. Chances are that he will fear you and she takes the blame. Other than that, with beating him youíll be on the same level he is and probably you donít want to go there.

I can tell you though that talking alone wonít probably be enough. It is a start and perhaps he feels ashamed and wants to better himself, but it is a large change. Since you say he is in his fathers footsteps this behavior is truly a part of him. To change that heíll need to redo himself from the bottom up. Every action he takes, every thought he has, every routine, etc. needs to examined and probably reexamined before making progress. It is a slow process, but has to be done if you, and more important he, donít want this to happen again. It wonít make up for that past, but can make sure it wonít happen in the future (I might have gone a bit too far with this, considering what I know about the situation.)


 
Ahriman Posted: Fri Nov 3 11:26:42 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  You need to know though that this kid works at f'ing Banana Republic. He isn't some sort of a stoner or anything that has a bad past. It seems to me like he did something and is now trying to hide it. He might just be gay for all I know (wouldn't surprise me).

The gf won't leave him because she's got the image of him from the beginning still stuck in her head. The good version of him. That is really starting to piss me off. He has become quite cynical since then. He is now obsessed with shopping. He spends hundreds on clothing and feels the need to constantly be part of the corporate image. He yells at his mom when she doesn't have enough money to buy a $100 shirt for him. He is seriously a good kid, but for some reason he is becoming demented by something that he has yet to tell me about.


 
libra Posted: Fri Nov 3 11:43:16 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  He sounds pretty insecure.

Its hard to find a way to tell someone like that not to do something that is pretty incomprehensible to most other people.

If its any help, you could give him statistics on domestic violence or something. It hasn't gone down since the women's movement. And I believe the US has the highest levels of domestic abuse in any first world country.


 
FN Posted: Fri Nov 3 12:13:53 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Let me tell you this:

If a guy slaps his girlfriend once, he will *always* do it a second time. It's a fact, like gravity.

The first time it happens (or the first time he raises his hand, even if he doesn't hit her) the blame is 100% his.

When it happens again, the blame is 50/50 for both him and the girl/woman in question, who thereby loses my sympathy for what happened. I'm not kidding, and I know what I'm talking about without going into the details.

There's no way you can talk this out of his head by the way, it might work for a while, but 20 years from now somewhere down the line, something will make him snap again. It's in you or it is not, and when it's in a guy you can't cut it out.

Don't waste time/money/the dignity of humanity on talk groups or whatever. It doesn't work, when push comes to shove the line will be crossed once more.



So in short, my advice: if you want to get involved (which is risky in itself, but you seem to know the guy relatively well, and her too, so) tell him to get his act together and come out of the closet if need be, I'm not sure but from what I hear there might really be something very deep down surfacing here, and tell her if you care about her to stop being a self-destructive naÔve tart and move on without being dramatic about it, because in the long run accidents are bound to happen and she's just wasting her life with a guy like that.

If he says it won't happen again and asks you to forget about it, he's an ass and he'll lie to you as well, if he says he'll get help and nothing has happened within 2 weeks, same thing applies. I suggest you re-evaluate the friendship because I doubt that's the kind of person you want to be associated with or that you want to deal with; something tells me you haven't seen the last of it yet.

Ask him if he'd mind your dick up his ass and see how he reacts maybe. If he genuinly giggles in an amused way it's not that he's gay, if he gets angry or dodgy and uneasy he's as gay as a lamp post.

For the girl: I'd make it very clear (very, the kind of strict repetition for about 2-3 times asking if you have her damn attention and if she's with you in body and mind as well) that you're warning her *once* because that's what decent guys do, and that after that it's her own problem and responsibility, because I know the type that keeps on fueling these masochistic relationships and then comes complaining afterwards about how they can't believe it and thought it all wouldn't end like that. But it inevitably does.






So that's the theory and how I'd handle it (and how I have handled it in the past when confronted with similar things). Here's how it'll probably work out for you:

conversation with the guy, roughly:

"We need to talk man"
"I know... I'm sorry for all this"
"you need help and I'm not kidding, you're going to get yourself and your girl into trouble if you're not careful, you know I hate shit ike that"
"no i don't, I just snapped, you know how it is, I don't want to be like my father, don't say that I will be, it'll never happen again I swear"
"I don't know, I'm worried about you"
"I know, thanks but really, we've talked it out and it's going to be fine, I'm just a little stressed that's all"
"you know I'm here for you, right?"
"yeah I know, but really, it's under control, I don't know what had gotten into me but whatever it was I know how to avoid it now, I'm sorry man"
"you need to get some help, I'm worried about you"
"I know, I will, I've talked to my mom about it and I realize I was wrong"


conversation with her:

"listen, you know X is my friend, and I don't want to cause any trouble between you guys but I want you to know that I don't agree with what happened and think you should really think about where you guys want to go from here"
"I know, it's sweet that you care about the whole thing, X has told me how well you guys know eachother and get along"
"what else did he say about it"
"well, we had a fight and you have to understand he was really stressed, that and the fact that it has been a little difficult between us lately... I mean, I know he didn't want this to happen"
"no shit. so how are things between you two now?"
"well, we talked it out and he said he loves me and that he's ever so sorry and it'll never happen again. You know I love him as well, we've been through so much together and I just feel sorry for him because he feels bad"

insert more dramatic and romanticized crap about how wonderful and sweet it used to be before he assaulted her.


When all is said and done, nothing happens and life goes on, she ends up cheating on him, he beats the shit out of her, new guys beats the shit out of him, he becomes a potential stalker and a wreck of a human being and both will have a whole life ahead of them thinking back about how much of a fool they were, especially her.


 
Mesh Posted: Fri Nov 3 23:56:23 2006 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I am pretty simple when it comes to things like this. I'd pound his face in and make it clear if he ever touched her again he'd get worse. Whether I lose a friend or not over it, hitting women is out of the question.


But yes, with Dan and Libra, his mother and sisters SHOULD know this. And my course of action(meeting violence with violence) is I'm sure not the best answer. If he can't handle the shame of what he's done, then good. Let him deal with it.


"If a guy slaps his girlfriend once, he will *always* do it a second time. It's a fact, like gravity."


And that is very true. I've seen it time and time again. Something definitely needs to be done about it.



 



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