||eh...I'm really bored with work today
Rene Descartes was sitting in coach on an airplane to France. The stewardess came down the aisle and asked him, "Would you like a drink?" He replied, "Nah, I think not."
Then he disappeared.
A man visits his doctor with an embarrassing condition. His penis is bright orange. After running some inconclusive tests, the doctor is puzzled. "I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this before. Do you work with any exotic chemicals?"
"Actually," the patient replies, "I've been retired for a few years now."
"So, what do you do with your time?"
"Well, lately I've just been watching porn and eating Cheetos."
Guy walks into a bar and see's a sign that says: Hand Jobs $10 Ham Sandwiches $5
He says to the gal behind the bar: "Are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"
She says: "I sure am Honey...."
He says: "Well then go wash your fucking hands because I want a ham sandwich."
Two nuns are driving along in a car when suddenly a vampire lands on the hood.
One of the nuns says to the other "Quick, show him your cross", so the other winds down the window and yells out "Get the fuck off my car!"
This lady with a baby gets on to a bus and the bus driver tells her "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen! ugh!"
So the lady walks away pissed as fuck not believing what the bus driver just told her. She sits down still pissed off next to a man and tells him what the bus driver just told her and the man says "You know you're right. You go back there and give him a peace of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
On a highway, a pornstar and her manager are arguing in their car. The pornstar, in frustration with her manager, throws a huge dildo out the car window.
Driving behind the arguing couple is a man and his little daughter. The dildo hits the front windshield and flies off. The girl says, "What was that!"
The dad, not wanting to expose his daughter to such things at her young age, says, "Uhh. It was a bug."
The girl says, "Oh . . . Well it sure had a big dick!"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste 'funny' to you?"
A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"
So a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all leave work at the same time and get in the elevator together. The brunette looks down, notices a small whitish puddle on the floor, and exclaims, "Ew! Is that sperm?"
The redhead looks down, and says, "Yep, that's definitely sperm."
The blonde looks down, leans over, and scoops up a little bit on a finger. She licks off her finger and looks puzzled for a moment. Then she says, "Well, it isn't anybody from our office."
how can you tell if you have a muslim sex doll?
It blows itself up
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Two atoms walking down the street happen to collide into one another. The first one exclaims, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" says the second atom.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Asian lady to bank teller: "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two huned dolla fo yen. Today I get huned eighty?? Why it change?"
Asian lady: "Fluc you white people, too".
(for my Dingapore friends)
two guys are walking down the street when they see this dog licking his balls. One guy turns to the other and says "Man, i wish i could do that" and the second guy says "maybe you should pet him first."
While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Kalam. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”
Manmohan immediately responds, “It’s me, Sir!”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
Bush nods: “Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, “Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. “Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s our Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!”
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."