|think about it... and then some
||Posted: Thu Feb 14 22:06:38 2008
Quote in Reply
||then and now -
School 1967 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Jack goes hunting before school, gets to school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - Homeland Security and FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
||Posted: Thu Feb 14 23:34:42 2008
Quote in Reply
||Ow ow ow. I have to listen to these awful stories all the time. Next time I see my parents I'm going to thank them again for not sending me to a government school.
However, I'm not a fan of those "idyllic past" stories. People in the sixties had their share of problems too.
||Posted: Fri Feb 15 00:29:35 2008
Quote in Reply
||HERE... kill some time while waitin to get outta work for the wkend...
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, His father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table: a Bible , a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll See which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to Be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessma n, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the Bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that Magazine he's gonna be a Skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his Room. The boy Tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He Picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold .
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress
this is juz a joke... so don't take offence...
President Bush decides to leave the Oval Office and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that George Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here ?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.
John sees his friend driving a recent SUV. The SUV seems familiar.
The SUV stops at a butcher shop John says Hi Peter nice car you are driving.
Is not that Lindas car?
Yes it was Lindas, she gave it to me.
Gave it to you?
Yes last week we drove throught the woods all of a sudden she put the car in 4WD drove to a quiet spot where ordinary cars can not go.
She got out of the car took all her clothes of and said to me: take anything you want.
Her clothes would not fit me so I took the car!
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left my baby on the bus again!"
Head line grabbers
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that! ]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really? ]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far! ]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly! ]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos! ]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial! ]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect! ]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think? ]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought! ]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something! ]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge! ]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough? ! ]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans! ]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken? ]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall! ]
And the winner is.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she
let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about
to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Famous SEX Quotes
My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
My family never raised me to have a vagina.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside.
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Fellatio is the ULTIMATE act of trust!"
Albert Einstien (look it up)
A woman wants one man to fulfill all of her desires
A man wants all women to fulfill his one desire
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Little 3 years old Pete is being washed by his mom, when he discovers his balls for the first time...
"Are these my brain, mommy?", he asks
His moms reply; "No, not yet my dear"
Some things to ponder
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
You Work in Corporate America If...
- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
- You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- Communication is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
- Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
- Art involves a white board.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
What does a pizza delivery guy have in common with a Gynecologist?
He can smell it but can't eat it!
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and no. 13? (Well, a bit risky but still...)
13. Potential Murder Suspect!!!
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you
got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
TO: Federal Aviation Administration
Our airline industry is in real trouble, and it's time to start fixing this before it's too late. To that end, here are some modest suggestions:
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?!
In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the plan was with substance.
And the assumptions were without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their
supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung,
and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their
managers, saying "It is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it"
And the managers went unto their
directors, saying "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide it's
And the directors spoke among themselves
Saying one to the other, "It contains that
which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors went to the vice-
presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes
growth, and it is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the
president, saying unto him, "This new plan
will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects."
And the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And that is how shit happens!
A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.
After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm fucked now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"
How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study The History Of Your Target:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966
"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.
"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what
to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you.
you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
over and over such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't
think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say "Hello".
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, and while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and stuck a carrot up my butt?
She says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
at age 4 ...success is ... not peeing in your pants
at age 12...success is ... having friends
at age 16...success is ... having a drivers license
at age 20...success is ... having sex
at age 35...success is ... having money
at age 50...success is ... having money
at age 60...success is ... having sex
at age 70...success is ... having a drivers license
at age 75...success is ... having friends
at age 80...success is ... not peeing in your pants
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."
"Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had use a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, A blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
"You have got a Male."
An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
10 Things In Football That Sound Dirty
1. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
2. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
3. It's a game of inches.
4. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
5. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
6. He found his tight end.
7. He had to stretch to get it in.
8. He could go all the way.
9. He goes deep.
10. He found a hole and slid through it.
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? ... that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig all he wants, I had him buried upside down."
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet, he walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet, he walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.
"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
sorry if i got carried away... heh... enjoy and hope it brings on the weekend a lil faster...
||Posted: Fri Feb 15 06:07:36 2008
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now this is the ant we've missed around here.
Have a great weekend buddy...and thanks for the smiles.
||Posted: Fri Feb 15 07:29:22 2008
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>Ow ow ow. I have to listen to these awful stories all the time. Next time I see my parents I'm going to thank them again for not sending me to a government school.
>However, I'm not a fan of those "idyllic past" stories. People in the sixties had their share of problems too.
Sure there were problems in the 60's, but the problems listed in the first post on this thread are problems easily avoided, they are examples of government needlessly interefering in our lives and PC nazis running rampant.
It might not be a bad idea to fire 90 percent of all government employed social workers.
||Posted: Fri Feb 15 18:43:21 2008
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||Can I ask a question? Good.
Most government programs that people use (no talk about the morality or the actual necessity), like Medicare and Social Security are only open during business hours, the hours that the people who use the services are, you know, working. So when there is a problem, like coverage for a disabled kid or that food stamps weren't received, their only option is to take off work and risk getting fired for doing what they need to do.
The question: Is the government doing that on purpose or are they just that retarded?
||Posted: Sat Feb 16 13:25:03 2008
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>Can I ask a question? Good.
>Most government programs that people use (no talk about the morality or the actual necessity), like Medicare and Social Security are only open during business hours, the hours that the people who use the services are, you know, working. So when there is a problem, like coverage for a disabled kid or that food stamps weren't received, their only option is to take off work and risk getting fired for doing what they need to do.
>The question: Is the government doing that on purpose or are they just that retarded?
I used to think about that when I was working with refugees in Oakland. These families weren't generally working yet, so they had time to go, but the social services building downtown was only open 8 till 5, and they took an hour for lunch between 12 and 1, the only time when people might be able to come in to get their food stamp cards, etc. I was always confused that they didn't just have their employees stagger their lunches so that it could be open all day!
||Posted: Sat Feb 16 20:13:19 2008
Quote in Reply
>>Can I ask a question? Good.
>>Most government programs that people use (no talk about the morality or the actual necessity), like Medicare and Social Security are only open during business hours, the hours that the people who use the services are, you know, working. So when there is a problem, like coverage for a disabled kid or that food stamps weren't received, their only option is to take off work and risk getting fired for doing what they need to do.
>>The question: Is the government doing that on purpose or are they just that retarded?
>I used to think about that when I was working with refugees in Oakland. These families weren't generally working yet, so they had time to go, but the social services building downtown was only open 8 till 5, and they took an hour for lunch between 12 and 1, the only time when people might be able to come in to get their food stamp cards, etc. I was always confused that they didn't just have their employees stagger their lunches so that it could be open all day!
Can you people hear yourselves ?
Your asking the federal government to run their offices with logic and efficiency !
c'mon have you learned nothing from history ? Have you never been in one of these offices yourselves ?
||Posted: Fri Feb 22 04:14:48 2008
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||Y'know, I don't about the federal level, but I'll tell you, I know a couple of people who work with state and local government here(names withheld[how is that spelled olol I'm so tired] obviously)who love going into work baked on the doob, toasted from some jack in their coffee, or floating from prescription pills. And I'll tell you, this explains an awful lot.
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