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25 Reasons You Might Be A Liberal
ifihadahif Posted: Sat Aug 16 21:20:54 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  By John Hawkins

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, you just might be a liberal if...

* You're sure the Constitution explicitly guarantees the right to abortion and gay marriage, but not the right to own a handgun.

* You think Dan Quayle is the dumbest Vice-President we ever had because he believed a flash card that misspelled "potato," but think Obama is a genius despite the fact he believes we have more than 57 states.

* You'd be more upset about your favorite candidate being endorsed by the NRA than the Communist Party.

* You think the same criminals who use guns in the commission of a crime will just hand them over to comply with the law if guns are made illegal.

* You know that 86% of all income taxes are paid by the top 25% of income earners and you still feel that the rich "aren't paying their fair share of the taxes."

* You put a higher priority on oil pipelines possibly inconveniencing a few caribou than you do on lowering the price of gas for everyone in the country by drilling ANWR.

* You're worried that Osama Bin Laden might not get a fair trial if we capture him, but want George Bush thrown in prison for being too zealous in protecting us from Al-Qaeda.

* You get infuriated when you hear about the CEO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions of dollars, but don't see a problem with an actor, basketball player, or trial lawyer making the same amount.

* You're constantly seeing subtle, coded racism in campaign ads, but see nothing racist about blacks being promoted over more qualified white applicants because of Affirmative Action.

* You think it's obscene that oil companies are allowed to make 8.3 cents per gallon in profit with gas prices this high, but would never suggest cutting the 13 cents per gallon they pay on taxes to reduce the price of gas.

* You think George Bush is a chickenhawk because he wanted to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan despite the fact that he only served in the National Guard, but you don't think the same about Barack Obama, who has never served in the military and probably couldn't find either country on a map without help.

* You think protesting outside of abortion clinics is extremism and should be illegal, but carrying around giant puppet heads while wearing a t-shirt that compares Bush to Hitler is just exercising your First Amendment rights.

* You think the case for global warming is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if capitalism and free markets work better than socialism.

* You believe the best way to fix the government screwing something up in the market is with...drumroll, please...more government intervention.

* You think the first thing we should have done when Russia invaded Georgia was to take the matter to the United Nations, where Russia sits on the UN Security Council.

* You spend your days criticizing the use of private jets, SUVS, and luxurious houses that consume enormous amounts of resources and then ride in an SUV to the airport, get on your private plane, and fly home to your luxurious house.

* You have more nice things to say about countries like Cuba and France than you do about your own country.

* You think the war in Iraq is unwinnable, but victory in the war on poverty is going to happen any day now if we can just get the Democrats back in charge.

* You won't even support English as our national language, but can't seem to understand why people worry about tens of millions of illegal aliens changing our culture.

* You think censorship is absolutely wrong; except when it's applied to conservatives on college campuses or on talk radio via the fairness doctrine.

* You get more upset about an American soldier accidentally killing a civilian than you do about a terrorist deliberately blowing up a school bus full of kids.

* You think Fox News is hopelessly biased to the right, but MSNBC, CNN, NBC, ABC, and CBS call it right down the middle.

* You think the real hero of the Cold War was Mikhail Gorbachev.

* You couldn't care less about what Americans in states like Kansas or Virginia think of you, but you would be greatly upset if a Frenchman gave you a dirty look because you're an American.

* You think kids in public schools should have to watch Earth in the Balance and read Heather Has Two Mommies, but no piece of literature with the word "Jesus" on it should be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.


 
FN Posted: Sun Aug 17 08:12:08 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Correction, socialists, not "liberals".

The thing about the communist party alone proves my point.


 
FN Posted: Sun Aug 17 08:12:36 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Also, what's up with the French-bashing


 
addi Posted: Sun Aug 17 09:07:21 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I know Jeff. He would be pissed if he read these : )

Well I suppose it's my duty to post a good natured jab at the righties now.

You Might Be A Right-Wing Conservative If:
Youíve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

Youíve ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend."

Youíre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Bush, not Cheney, is in charge.

Youíve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

Youíve ever uttered the phrase, "Why donít we just bomb the hell out of those sons of bitches."

You donít let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You fail to see Ann Coulter as nothing more than every blonde joke made flesh.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Youíve ever said "civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties."

Youíve ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

Youíve ever called education a luxury.

You think that if one person gets richer, everyone gets richer.

You think the world would be a better place if Government stopped interfering in everything (except marriage, abortion, censorship, drugs etc.)

You think AIDS is a homosexual disease.

You donít think Europeans should have any say in US policy (except the Pope).

You think everything Michael Moore says is a lie, but you listen unquestioningly to Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh.

You believe Fox Newsí slogan.

You think that the entire world wants to be like America.

You think that a benevolent atheist is worse than a selfish Christian.

You live on a very comfortable income but you still whine about paying any taxes.

You havenít seen Fahrenheit 9/11, you donít know anyone who has, but you have posted a long blog about Michael Mooreís distortions.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You believe in encouraging greed as a motivation for betterment.

You think anyone who disagrees with Government policy is a traitor.

You think global warming is part of some conspiracy by evil tree-huggers to get us all to give up our SUVís and TVís.

You believe in judging other cultures by your own objective standards.

You are more concerned about the sanctity of life than the quality of life.

You canít understand why atheists make such a fuss about pledging allegiance to God, but you get upset about secular Christmas songs.

You still believe in trickle down economics.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

The Vietnam War makes a lot of sense to you.

You think all artists are gay.

You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she
was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child
support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family
Values".

You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings
with a vodka straight in hand.

You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official
religion.

You believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting
purposes".

*and finally....

You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.

(Something tells me we've already posted both of these lists here in the past, but I can't remember.)
You might be an old fart if..
You post something new on a forum and don't remember you posted the same thing last week.
: )



 
ifihadahif Posted: Sun Aug 17 10:55:08 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Actually your list was posted before but I chose to ignore it the first time.

I felt it necessary to post mine this time just to "stir the pot", so to speak.

And Chris, you should know that French Bashing is a national sport over here.
I'm thinking of going pro.


 
Ahriman Posted: Sun Aug 17 19:02:20 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ifihadahif said:

>* You put a higher priority on oil pipelines possibly inconveniencing a few caribou than you do on lowering the price of gas for everyone in the country by drilling ANWR.


Honestly, you need to live up here before you can understand that.


 
mat_j Posted: Mon Aug 18 13:45:59 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Christophe said:
>Correction, socialists, not "liberals".
>
>The thing about the communist party alone proves my point.

It's not socialism for fecks sake it's fecking neoliberalism.

Socialists might have a thing or two to say about that list!!!

Also, lay off the French, they're alright now.


 
mat_j Posted: Mon Aug 18 13:46:22 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  PS last sentence was for Hif not Chris!


 
addi Posted: Mon Aug 18 14:57:04 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  mat_j said:

>Also, lay off the French, they're alright now.

I wouldn't mind laying on a French woman...for the good of international relations.


 
ifihadahif Posted: Mon Aug 18 15:00:02 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  addi said:
>mat_j said:
>
>>Also, lay off the French, they're alright now.
>
>I wouldn't mind laying on a French woman...for the good of international relations.
>
I too, might enjoy that, but only if she shaved first.
:-)


 
addi Posted: Mon Aug 18 15:08:01 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  ifihadahif said:

>I too, might enjoy that, but only if she shaved first.
>:-)

oui oui!
shaved armpits and legs that is...the "other" spot is fine left as nature intended.

addihif



 
Mesh Posted: Fri Aug 22 02:58:17 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  My god, I hate liberals.


Also, I hate conservatives.


But better yet, I hate the moderates.


Just kidding. I have much love for you. Unless you're a black.



Just kidding. I only hate your mom.


 
Mesh Posted: Fri Aug 22 02:58:35 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  I really wish I could take back that last post.


 
mat_j Posted: Fri Aug 22 03:58:51 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wisenheimer said:
>I really wish I could take back that last post.

Weisey,

never change.


 
ifihadahif Posted: Fri Aug 22 06:19:39 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Wisenheimer said:
>My god, I hate liberals.
>
>
>Also, I hate conservatives.
>
>
>But better yet, I hate the moderates.
>
>
>Just kidding. I have much love for you. Unless you're a black.
>
>
>
>Just kidding. I only hate your mom.
>
Yeah, people suck don't they ?


 
Kira Posted: Sat Aug 23 17:48:40 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  People don't suck. Pessimists, misanthropes, moochers and bigots suck.

"Weisey"?


 
mat_j Posted: Sat Aug 23 22:14:07 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  what's qrong with wweisey eh kizzer?


 
Kira Posted: Mon Aug 25 21:41:20 2008 Post | Quote in Reply  
  Nothing, if I get to keep the name kizzer.

Kizzerkizzerkizzer.


 



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