Circle of life
29 Oct 2002
I sat at the riverbank looking at the ripples before me. I needed to be far away.
I remembered time of not too long ago where I was having lunch with her a thousand miles away from where I am now.
Those were happy times. Where the pressures of reality, where the uncertainties of life after graduation never did bother us.
It was the life of a married couple, where we would spend most of our times together. Grocery shopping, cooking meals together, doing our laundry and cleaning the flat.
The daily affairs of building a home away from home in our flats.
She was the first face I see every morning and the last image I see before I sleep.
I knew where my home was. It was back there in that dingy student hostel where I know I'd be greeted with a smile, a hug and a kiss after a hard day at work.
Then I remember the plans we had of the future.
We wanted to have a house far away from the city with lots of land for us to run around in.
We wanted three dogs. A beagle, a golden retriever and a jack russell terrier. We agreed that since we didn't want to have kids, the dogs will be our children.
We would spend time in the kitchen trying to imagine how married life would be, with her washing the dishes at the sink and with me sitting on the counter top. And I tell her at times, "Isn't what we have now better than what most married couples have?"
I remember going out shopping with her and whenever we pass by jewelry shops, we'd try to figure out what our wedding bands would be.
Everything was planned. The cars we owned, the outlay of the house, the places we would go to travel. Everything.
We spent many nights on a carpet with pillows thrown all over on the balcony looking at the stars on summers nights and there I knew she was my other self.
I remember reading somewhere that in life, everything was a circle and noone would be complete without a center point. She was my center of the circle. She made me circle perfect.
Sometimes I think back of the years I spent with her under the blanket of stars and I would smile at the memories and then I snap back to reality to the world I share now with noone but me.
Those are the memories that I lock so deep in the confines of what's left of my broken heart.
Now I sit here on the river bank trying to remember how it felt like to have someone with me staring at the river. I close my eyes, trying to put an image before me. Trying to allow myself to drift off and tell myself, that someone's here. But I open my eyes and there's noone here. And I try to remember how it feels to cry.
I remember the muppet's "Rainbow connection" and try to convince myself that someday I'll find it, the rainbow connection. But now, there's a lot of convincing to myself to do.
Well, that's my story. And maybe one day it'll fade away from my memories with time, but now, it still hurts.
So what's your story?