29 Oct 2002
Ever had the feeling of the entire world moving around you but you're not?
Or feeling lonely in a crowded room?
Or being detached from your surroundings?
I did a film like that before when someone I cared about left my world.
And now, the film re-enacts itself.
And the female lead this time round is still the same person.
2 years and 3 breakups later, I'm still in a way, wondering of what-ifs.
You probably think I will learn the third time round, but I'll be honest with you,
I am still holding on. For what? My friends tell me. For a dream? For a hope that she might love me the way I do to her? Honestly, I don't know the answer to these questions.
I love her, even to this point of time. And I know I do.
I try not to think about it. She dwells in my recess of my consciousness… till someone brings news of her, then I slip hold of my control and fall. And it hurts, oh yeah, you can be sure of that. The last I heard, she's happily dancing the night away with someone new.
The bugger I care, I say to my friends. Sure, yeah, sure, right.
I can fool the entire world, but I can't fool myself.
I'm still living in the past. Still going to the familiar places, trying to capture the same feeling, as if she was there. And sometimes, I try to catch a whiff of her perfume or try to imagine the touch of her skin. But the places remain the same, but the feeling isn't anymore.
Sometimes I see her. Like a hologram she walks to me and when I walk towards her to hug her, she disappears, leaving a trail of broken pieces of whatever that's left of my sanity and what I used to call a heart.
A million heartbreaks later, I am still falling for the same illusion.
I try to find connections here and there. And many things remind me of her.
Little things like, coffee haunts. Sunflowers. Cars. Songs. The list goes on and on.
Everything reminds me a little of her. And I felt the wrenching emptiness and the wet heat in my eyes.
Life does go on. The world does continue to revolve. But my heart still remains within her.
I still haven't found the strength to complete the tattoo that symbolizes her. Maybe it's more beautiful and meaningful to leave it as it is.
I try to find her in everything I come across. Everyone I meet. But it isn't the same.
I tried to go out with different people, different women. But something is missing.
The connection between two souls, the chemistry of being within the same space and time, the comfort I get even when we don't say a word, and most importantly, the peace I felt when I was with her.
It just isn't the same.
And now, all I have left are memories of her, which will someday fade away from my mind into oblivion.
That is a sad fact I have to live with. It hurts mostly in my waking hour, whenever I think of her, it cuts deeply into my heart.
And till the day I can stop longing for her to be back in my life, I wouldn't be spending my waking hours howling at the moon for her to return.
But now, I guess I'm just not strong enough to let go of my memories of her.