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  • Inside Wants Out
    25 Jan 2003

    (One year later. 25 January 2002 - 25 January 2003.)

    How does a person start to trust, let alone love again?
    So many times I wanted to try and I did. And here I am, after so many tries alone yet free, but freedom at price?

    I have had always tried to touch heaven, but in a book I read before that sort of defined my life, that love, like flying is a dream that can never come true, for heaven was never meant to be touched to be meaningful.

    I touched heaven once, with Vonn. But I crashed down painfully to earth. Too shattered after the crash to pull myself up again. Too broken to ever dream of touching heaven again. And since, every relationship never did come close to what I felt with her and it ends as fast as it started.

    Everyone thought that I've become stronger after the crash. The truth is, it's not that I become stronger. It's just that a huge part of me died the day I left. She came into my life and took with her a whole lot of me.

    It scares me. To actually wake up one day and look at my reflection and see how much of me really died.

    It's been a year exactly since Vonn and I broke up. And I am still trying to exorcist the pain and to deal with the loss. Last night, on the day that we broke up. Fate lead me to the place where I last saw her.
    I was there with a couple of friends. Before that we were at another club drinking and I look out of sorts. But I forced myself to entertain them. And I found some new friends and reacquainted myself with some other friends. And they wanted to go to Zouk. The place where my world came crashing down.

    I didn't really wanted to go down because I knew that she would be there somehow. But this friend, asked if I was going down and I said why not?

    So there I was. Among the crowd. Lost and bothered. I walked around. Remembering exactly what happened that day one year back.

    I had to leave shortly. I was too lost in my thoughts to mingle.

    It's still hard to exorcist the loss. What you see outside is someone that is aloof. But inside, everything is messed up.

    I lost my groove. I can't dance anymore. I stopped having fun going to clubs as that's where I last saw her. I don't even feel excited at on a night out with the boys clubbing.

    I do not seek forgiveness of any sort for circumstances that got me into this state.

    But if the world was a little kinder, maybe I'll be a happier man.

    If fate was a little kinder, maybe I'll be more human.

    But life, still goes on.

    And somehow, somewhere inside wants out.