Only The Lonely
The Simple Man
17 Dec 2003
I am going off for a vacation alone. Take sometime off, go somewhere, anywhere where noone I know will see me or even bump in to me. Maybe I'll buy a two way ticket to the states and rent a beat up jeep and drive down route 66 for a month. I've been wanting to go through the trail of "Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" for close to a decade now.
It would be so good, cruising down the 66 with a beat up jeep, smoking my made-in-USA marlboros, making hot coffee with a splash of whiskey in the middle of the desert with noone around me for miles and finally, being able to sleep under a blanket of stars again.
I wish to travel alone, meeting no one I know, saying "G'day, how you doing?" to strangers, and allowing myself once again to be completely alone - away, far away from everything that I am familiar with, and everything that I've ever known.
"Aren't you going feel lonely?" Some of my friends ask.
I try to avoid answering the question. After a year of domesticated life with Vonn and losing it in the end, I've been in self-exile for close to a year now. I used to thrive on group activities. I loved to socialise but since the beginning of this year, I kept mostly to myself. I've picked up solo hobbies and pastimes along the way. LAN gaming, working out at the gym, going to bookstores and spending sometime alone there. Watching movies by myself. Having a cup of coffee in a café tucked away from town writing my journals.
Shopping alone. Going for a drink in the evenings by myself. Late night solo drives. Well, I guess you get my drift now.
So if you ask me that question about loneliness? I'm getting used to being alone. In fact, I quite like it this way.
I remember telling a friend who was a bit down that learning how to live alone is a vital tool for survival.
I knew I sound depressing. But it's the truth. Imagine some day you end up being the sole survivor in a plane crash in some deserted island? Think Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
However, in my case, what I said can be so true, so right, it has been haunting me for many nights. And what if I am so used to being alone and alienating people from me? Will I end up being alone for the rest of my life? And will I ever lose that bit of the human touch in me?
I can say I love my singlehood now. There's noone to stop me in doing what I want, whenever I want to.
The price of Freedom like what I always say, is loneliness.
The truth is, I wish to travel with someone, someone I love , someone whom I know who loves me too. It would be wonderful to have someone sitting by my side, singing with me while we blast the radio in the beat up jeep. Someone sharing that coffee with whiskey in the middle of the desert under the blanket of stars…
But for now, I wish to travel alone, with myself, and find the person which I've known for 26 years of my life who I haven't known too well. Me.
I guess my desire for that someone to go travelling with me will have to be put aside for the moment. Let the desire die down for a while. There's a journey of self discovery to be done first. I need to know myself, the person I've neglected for quite sometime now before I can let anyone in my life again.
I am embarking on a self-discovery journey soon, once I get my yearly bonus.
Am I going to feel lonely?
Ask me when I come back. I will not avoid this question, neither will I find the words stuck in my throat when I return. Because by then, I will have the answer.