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  • Blog.. r(evealition)
    ajinkya pawar
    26 Nov 2003

    5/11/2003 10:55 AM

    I had never wanted anything very badly, Never was I 'to the edge' for something. Never had I 'crossed the lines' or lied big time. I never experienced, the passion, the blinding love for something, for which I would not hesitate to give my life.
    This is deep. Its this void thats sucking me and holding me from what I 'could be'.
    I have to find out that passion, real soon, before this lonely soul gets too corrupted.

    8/11/2003 10:55 AM

    Giving
    Today I was humbled & very ashamed of myself. Today, Pradyumna opened my eyes to what I am and what I dignified myself to be. I had always advocated the act of giving. The joy it brings, the blessingss U cherish..Though I was myself very critical about giving, even to mom, dad or dada. I would think a 100 times to handout the simplests things to anyone. My brain would would work overtime, trying to magnify the value of a thing when it was supposed to be given. So that I would be very reluctant to give it away.
    Piyush, who gives away his stuff readily to me is also the unworthy recipient of my skepticism.I would 100 excuses (to myself) to not to give away stuff.
    I had given Pradyumna a watch (which dada had given to menad which often quit ticking) as his Bday present, that too when he asked. That too was a lil' half ass affair. But he was very jubilant about it. He even gave me his 'kada', a token of appreciation and love. and profusely offered me to take his shirt which surprisingly had fit me well..very well. and looked great on me. He almost yearned me to have it, since I had liked it. And he was very happy to give. I couldnt take ot, b'coz I was ashamed for being so cynical. But more importantlym b'coz I didnt trust myself to be worthy of it.


    11/11/2003 4:43 pm

    What we all do, is bend those ideals for our suiting, sometimes, to the extent that, that it no longer remains what it stands for. We are so used to 'assume' what is good for us, which might not be good in general, that we stand corrupted in the eye of god.
    Those ideals, We say them, we hear them, but seldom do we know them, and bring them in practice. I am being taught by this world, one thing at a time, only because I am keeping my eyes open. Every time that sinks in, it feels, like I had woken up just now, Like I had been blind. Those words had ferried through my ears so many times, but never did it reach the heart. They are reaching there, one by one, slowly, painfully slowly. But thats the beauty of it. One has to keep his eyes and heart open. This journey of soul is very beautiful.

    November 21st 1120 hrs

    A mother gives up her dreams and adopts her child's as her own. and pushes, urges, motivates and guides her child to it. All her life she does what's needed by her kin. I mean, she's devoted her life to us. And when we dont make it to our dreams, (c'mon we know we r lazy bums..)we steal away the purpose of her life. Its like carving a hole in her soul. What she's got then. How could we let her down? I wont. I am gonna be what I can. And thats big time...

    ***
    Lets be born everyday with the first rays of sun. And watch the sun lighting up my heart. And observe n' see as if its the first time ever, light let my eyes touch it, feel it.
    Let my ear taste the sounds of nature as if I am listening to the breath of a sleeping baby.
    Let me feel and touch the elements, as if I returned from cold dark void.
    Let me smell the perfume of wet soil, and the sunday air in the rose garden...
    n' inhale till my heart aches, as if its opening me the gates to a brand new world.
    Let me taste the food from my mother's kitchen, so that I shall know what elixir tastes like.
    So lets be born again, everyday.

    November 25th 1817 hrs

    The other day, I was wondering what happened to me, that I no longer know the latest stuff, am not the scientist as I used to be. All these books stacked up in 3 places of my room, are witness to my peruse in my schooldays. I was so amused, and so deeply enchanted by this logic called science. I used to weigh these books over most other things. I would take one with me everywhere. That doesnt happen now, since a few years. The last of the books of that 'era', are just there still waiting to be read. But I rather read fiction nowadays. I am just not motivated and amused by the science as I used to be. (Though it would be farce to say, that I dont indulge in it anymore...afterall its... well... interesting!)
    That could be the reason for the fall of my grades. U C I didnt ever study as in general sense. I would usually know far more than I needed at that standard, by extra curricular reading.
    I guess I know why. (Besides the obvious)
    For me, Science has now been condensed into, .. just another logic. An amusing one. The human emotions, now have taken front seat, which are independent of the constraints of the domain of logic.