what the heck
paint, Love, stupidity and misunderstandings
13 Mar 2004
While It was burning piles of wood and celebration of holy outside, I was in my room with Parth, drawing A superman drawing, with brush and ink....first time in years. LTNC. I was invited at rohit's place for holy celebration. But nobody else knows me there. We dont do it since a few years at our appartment. I didnt want to go.
Later that night, I dirtied 2 pages with red colors trying to paint. I thinned them too much. Anyways it was fun. But its a bit wierd, Its like, I have a image in my mind, but it cat get through and out of me. I have to break through this lock and soon. Its like, all my life's worth is packed in a safe, the key to which is lost.I have to be unlocked.
I have to clear my confusions. I need to be able to take quick, accurate decisions. How?
1 4/3/2004Sunday1 0 : 4 6 pm
Today, I went to Someshwar with Vishal (Deore). On the way, there was a man lying on the road, something weird brown liquid with blood coming out of his mouth. He was unconciously moaning. His clothes were torn and dirtied due to the impact. He had an accident. His mobike was a bit bruised and blinded. He must have had a hard crash. Some tar offed the road, presumably due to the stand of his mobike. He was moaning unintelligibly. People gathered around. Just looking. Doing nothing. Suggesting something or else. but doing nothing. I am selfish. When we were passing, and when we saw the mob, I suggested to move on, as more mob wouldn't be of any help. Only that, ppl would keep on pushing the responsibilty to else. If there are lesser ppl around, they would volunteer themselves. There were enough ppl. Vishal suggested to help the man. I am disgusting.
Someone called a rikshaw. I, Vishal and few men helped the heavy, unconsious, hurt man in the back seat. I heard, one curious question among the ppl, as to who was the lady on the other mobike with him. Whats his goddamn business...
At Someshwar, we discussed the possibilities of a good photo of his bike on rocks beside the fall. Theres this contest of best photo of CBZ's, the winner gets a camcorder. Oh..I need it. Gotta work on MTV start2play.
Anyways, He is goodlooking, good natured and all. So he is famous among girls. He considers me a good friend. So he wanted to consult me about this girl, preeti, who is 2 yrs older than him. She is a family friend. She is fond of him. Not quite overtly. He likes her aswell. He is confused.
(Why am I making so small a sentences, and why is their a 'a' before 'sentences'..?)
He asks me as to what should he do, should she propose him. As I said earlier, he is confused, about his feeling. He is, as I see it, very afraid of confrontation. with most of the things. He says, he is afraid of water and girls. There's this another girl in his college, ritu, from kashmir..beautiful and arrogant. She is also deeply ' interested' in him. He gets (used to ..in first year.. this year both vishal and ritu have a drop year) these love letters of sorts, 'posted' at the cracks of his benches, unsigned with xxx's. But they know that it must be her. He is not quite fond of her. He tries to avoid her. He told me that he has been asked for 'friendships' from a lot of girls, and he has turned them down. He is afraid of them. His mom is afraid of him making a mistake and acquiring AIDS. He is not allowed to have friends who happen to be girls. Its their self-defence technique. I told to him to show his parents through action that he is a mature wise man now, and wont make 'mistake'.
And he basks in the attention of fairer sex. Lucky bastard...;) But his fear of friends alienating him due to it, makes it for a strict no no to any 'friendships'. Ya sure.. He had coffee with young madam just out of BE at college canteen, raising many eyebrows. He had snacks with ritu and shweta patil ( ritu's friend), which BTW, ritu tricked him to, by shweta making excuse of her Bday..which wasnt so. Poor fellow.
There's this guy, doing his MSc, who makes it confusing for Preeti. He signals of other girl to her aswell. Everybody is confused here. Vishal has seen a dream where there is preeti and him and someone else, who is being pulped to shit by Vishal. He must love her. He sees her clearly in his dreams. He can feel her. The other boy is obscure. ie anybody who comes between Vishal and preeti better wear helmet.
He says he isnt attracted to her as in its sense. He knows her for around 18 months. They talk. She once said, 'Vishal, why arent U older' with all seriousness, as if that be a big deal. He asked me if it is. I said a no. 2 years older bride is well and fine. They would be of same age-group ad that should be enough. That question however, hinted a lot to Vishal. She longs for him. She sees the 2 yr gap 2b 2much. She might be seriously in luvvvv with him. What to do when she pops the big question?..I suggested to tell her to cool a bit. Its a big decision. I think U should know each other really well, and love even then,..only then its ok to take the plunge. I suggested the 18 months friendship-courtship period. Then, when the confusion in heart is cleared, and heart shines neon bright "marry me", then go for it.
I traced the importace of not taking decison when confused, citing Vishal's example. Also, as to what repetetive questioning to self, or suggesting to self, could print on ur mind to be true when its not.
I also suggested not to shut anyone off completely. Ritu for instance. Be friends, if possible. Make it clear, though, that he isnt interested in relationship. Just dont let her know of ur confusion. That would be a grand ray of hope to her. And in effect, betraying her in the end. I said, not to completely shut the door also, not to open it wide open.
The all pervasive thin line also became more and more apt to be explained.
I suggested him to be true to himself. Not to indulge in wishful thinking. With many examples. He savoured all quite attentively, as did I. [ I must be good at this. Vishal (the earlier one..lambu, asshole, priya, manmit, suicide..ya that one) also often asks me for wisdom, but I doubt he really understand the syllables poured outta my mouth. Seemingly, he doesnt use them. Piyush consults me..(ofcourse, he is a best friend). Aniruddha also consults me. And all of them let it out with me alone. Yuvraj discloses to me also. and I guess to me alone. Rohit might, after some time. I am good.]
I quite adamantly let him know, the importance of self cleansing. To be true to self. To be in touch of self. I informed him of dream analyzing. and how the subconcious mind is better at taking decisions, and how it suggests us through deam. Then he told me the aforementioned dream.
He was in Don Bosco for 8th till 10th. It had, he says, quite an impact on him. Since then, he was swayed to be a bachelor for life. I said its for men who place spiritual quest before anything else. A quest, a curiosity... of any kind. "Are U that curious?"
I was, the last year was of it. It owes to the glass of cupboard that I broke with my fist of fury. Fury over myself, for the lack of control over myself, for my inability to touch my innerself, for being confused.
It was a phase. And I usually go through it during tough times. The exams, the lack of THE LOVE...
"Then why be a bachelor, we rather should be happily married and trying to keep it that way, ever after. Kutumbvatsal."
The point was - not to commit, until u r sure, until u no longer are confused. To not lie and raise false hope, to practice narovakunjaro when needed. ie. not to lie, not to tell the truth, just hide it. Keep the doors open just as much. To flow, to bend with the conscience and follow the damned, sacred, hard-to-reach soul within.
He was visibly relieved. I was sneezing more and more with the sunset and cold winds. I am down. Kerchief's become a part of my body attached to my nose.
He thanked me profusely, over and over again.
Later in the evening, while having our 1 by 2 manchow soup, rohit told me of Swapnil bad-mouthing about me. They had a argument yesterday over me. Rohit backed me. Swapnil said I kalti on time. ie. I betray. That was about me not going with them to trimbak area, when it was I who initiated it, was with them for a hour earlier, then backed out half an hour earlier, after seeing their faces and the unenthusiastic spirits. They questioned ( Bobby ) as to what is there to see, and to do there? I was dumbstruck. To see - the most beautiful of things, the nature in its green and blue and occasional violets and all those other eye candies. To feel is the vastness and openness, the undirected, unpolluted wind on the face. To do is to try to savour every bit of it. They were blind, deaf, dumb, outright dead to these truths. "What is there to see?"...god..would U rather see a porn shemale.
The journey was to share this divine feeling. If nobody had the receptors of divinity and natural beauty, what was there for me to be. If I had gone with then, It would have corrupted my sense of completeness, bound to earth and wind and heaven and free therefore. Why would I do that. Rather I would attend my hardware class, and savour those moments of beauty with solitude, Later.
By not agreeing to come along, Swapnil thought if it as betrayal. So stupid, so immature. He is half-baked toast, who boasts of being best in town, and demands switz cheese. But doesnt realise that he lies in garbage can, being shitted upon by crows, and pigeons.
I hinted and said outright what I felt of their gestures, and their words. Still they didnt get it?.. Stupid asses.
And swapnil could have cleared it with me later, instead he bad mouthed about me. This is not a man. He came to my home in the morning. We were to go Bhonsala school to ask about their Swimming pool. He was all smiling.There was no bitterness visible. All sweet and warm. He almost fears me. Bastard.
He keeps on reminding everyone but me, of how I refused to give him my SA-35 Casio Synth. Why would I. He didnt let me touch his guitar, like I was a leper, a day before.
Besides we werent very good friends. He is almost a mute. by brain ie. He wont respond if asked of something, like he's a maharaja or something, and we r nobody. Its insulting sometimes. We digest it, to keep the peace and friendship unhinderd. Or sharply remark at him. He's like fucked in the ass by 12 bisons. Deadly unresponsive. Rohit spats at him this parallel quite often. I aint gonna keep anything lying down henceforth. He's gonna get what he deserves.
Anyways, Rohit also told me about what Swapnil Gade (College, jayesh, rushi, amod, computers)said about me. He said I back out when needed.(About a year ago) I was astonished. How could he say something like that. He doesnt even know me. We only exchange hi's and hello's and nothing else. At this rate, how is he to measure me. It must have come from someone else. I do not regard of jayesh nandode (lambu, spects, asshole at its truest, alienated) highly. So do many others. Everybody, and I mean everybody, acknowledges his claim to the throne of the hole of ass...the asshole. He might have bad mouthed swapnil gade about me. Anyways, howsoever, gade should have known better.
On the flipside. I realised, that though I stand to my word, I dont go out of my way to help anyone, unless am asked for, even though I know I might be the only among few who can. I am trying to get out of that cocoon. But still, as I said, I do what I said I will. Thats respectable and good enough. The problem with me is that, I cannot read others expectations towards me, or if I know of it, I am uncomfortable bending myself towards their expectations. And that might be the case with Swapnil, Vicky (Vikrant, lovestruck, immature) and many others. I almost hate to bend me to someone elses expectations. Go fuck urself. U may use ur expectations as condoms,..but be careful, it might have holes.
Let me know ur views, mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org