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the need to know
minimel
1 Oct 2003
i turned on the computer again. it beeped softly and its small motor began running, filling the small room with a buzzing sound. it had only been 5 mins ago that i switched it off. i had a whole pile of figures to get through and i was weary but i had this uneasy feeling at the bottom of my stomach which had started a few days ago. it felt like the time i went to a party where i knew no one there. everyone were in cliques laughing and chatting animatedly while i nursed my drink in a corner afraid to look up and catch someone's sympathetic eye.
it had started small. an incident she mentioned in passing, looking anywhere but at me when i asked her something and little omissions that came to light when friends talked. it shouldnt matter of course. she loves me. i know that. but i couldn't help but feel uneasy. i had seen these signs before in my unhappy relationships before and a part of me wanted to let things slide before i made it worse and be part of another failing relationship but yet another part of me just had to know. it was that same particular reason why i had a permanent burn scar on my index finger after i touched one hot kettle too many. i just had to know.
the computer took an awful long time to start up. i had bought it 3 years ago and i needed to get another but i didnt have the money.
my wallpaper was of her looking at the camera smiling. sometimes when i get bored of the figures, i switch the screen to the desktop to look at her for a while. she was beautiful when she smiled like that. for a while, despite the distance between us, i feel that she's next to me.
i wonder why i am doing this.
i click on the web browser and the familiar white and blue hotmail page loaded swiftly. the cable modem i had installed did wonders for surfing.
i tapped in her username and her password but stopped short of pressing the login button. do i really need to know? what if i see something i don't like? i recall her asking her if there was ever a time where she cheats on me unwittingly or not, whether she would tell me, even if i would probably break up with her. she said yes. i like that about her. her honesty. god knows how many times relationships of mine have failed bcos of lies. they were usually white lies at first but as with any lie, they were often compounded by other lies to make the initial lies more credible.
history is rewritten with the first lie.
but do i want to do this? was this ethical in the first place to go thru her stuff? screw ethics, this is my life, my relationship, my love whom i have placed my happiness on. do i need to know?
yes.
between hitting the button and waiting for the page to load took 3 secs but the grief lasted longer than that. the hot kettles i have touched when i was a kid didn't seem quite as painful now.
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