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  • Koalas vs. Kangaroos
    Patrick Goins
    19 Nov 2002

    Now, this fight has been boiling for sometime. On camera the two species can seem the congenial furry Australian mascots. Behind the scenes, however, they are bitter rivals. This is a fact very few people know. Koalas hate kangaroos and vice versa. It all started when Europeans first landed in Australia. British convicts, Australia's first European settlers, used boomerangs and the occasional rock and stick to hunt down and kill the peaceful koala. They used their soft furry pelts for loincloths and toilet paper. That would irk any creature, being killed to cover the unmentionables of another species. Needless to say the koalas were a little bit miffed. They were as angry as an Irish stereotype in a town with prohibition, if you catch my drift. Another thing, when you think of Australia what do you think of? Kangaroos. I envision their graceful hopping dotting a bright red horizon just before the poachers kill them. Stupid poachers. They'll never understand the beauty of the kangaroo, it's rat like face and mucus filled pouch. They'll never understand what it means to understand. Stupid poachers. Koalas come off as the stupid little rodent that no one wants. Sure it's cute when its young, but it grows up and if you flush it down the toilet it could grow to be 25 feet long. No one wants that. Have you ever seen a koala knock a guy out in the ring? I didn't think so. That's why people love kangaroos, because they're scrappy. What does a koala do all day? It lounges around eating eucalyptus until its eyes turn green and it vomits itself to death. The life span of the average koala: 1 day. The life span of a kangaroo: until someone has the guts to kill it. Kangaroos are the marsupials' answer to the rugged sea captain with one leg and an eye patch. You just can't kill them! I haven't tried, but I'm pretty sure a few people have gone to pet a cuddly kangaroo and drawn back a bloody nub, proof of the sheer ferocity those hop-along bandits contain within their rabid jaws. I think that's kangaroos I'm talking about, that or Cujo. One of the two. Same thing, right? If it comes down to blows, the kangaroo is gonna win by a mile.

    Winner: Kangaroo