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Grand Marine, Rintaro
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Tue 07/01
vivian
1 Jul 2003
Hi Rin,
I opened this account today, I want to write to you from here, i will also write to you from the other account, but sometimes i felt like i was knocking at the door but there was nobody answering. you have changed since you worked in the job. i am sort of regretting that you got the job. i'm selfish eh? but, thats life. you are probably enjoying the work. i don't know. i can hardly know how you feel about all this, if you simply don't tell. hey, i find that here i am telling more things, than writing to you from the other place. maybe it is because that you cannot read it right after i send this mail, as long as i don't give you the ID and password, although this mail is addressed to you. so, i am pouring out my thoughts, my real thoughts, without worrying about how you would react. when i write to you, i am more nervous than writing to any other of my friends, because i am so afraid of saying anything wrong. but now i decide just to write whats in my mind.
Rin, i don't know why i like you so much. i can even say that i love you. believe it or not. i also had other bf's before, but until i know you, i have to say that i never really loved anybody before you. we never meet, we never spend time together, but i just fall. sometimes i can hardly believe it myself. all my friends think i am crazy. i told my worries to some friends, that i might be gradually losing you, and they said, after 2 weeks you will be ok, or forget about him,he doesnt love you. but i don't think i will be ok after 2 weeks, i might not be ok for the whole life, if you leave me. before knowing you, to some degree, i didn't believe there was love or eternity, after i got to know you, i became to hold firmly to the belief of love, family and responsibility. i think you are such a person, but on the other hand, you are too young to make any committments. you still don't know with whom and where you gotta settle down. thats ok though. i am trying to work it out. i still don't think that you won't love me, at least you like me, but if we never meet, i can never really grab your heart. the contradiction is there, i can't wait to see you, and during the mean time of waiting, i want to keep the communication working out, coz when the communication between us went wrong, we might not make it to meet. i am trying bloody hard, sending emails, letters and postcard, though you never mentioned if you got any. sigh... so i just sit here, wondering at every moment what is wrong.
maybe i am no longer important to you (or was i ever?). maybe you found someone else. well, i think i am worth. Rin, you gotta try it out with me. you never know what you've got, until you try it out.
i think i will just write to you this way, someday i will show you this. i can do nothing else at the moment. i will tell my day here, my ups and downs, my feelings, opinions, complaints, just like as if you were reading. i may be sad once in a while, for not having you understood me, but, i will keep all the feelings in the inner most of my heart, and i believe, some day , i can make it to see you, i don't care when, i don't care if you already had someone, or married, or whatever, i still will meet you. you have been always in my mind, you are, and you will be.
love,
viv
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