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  • Simple Pleasures
    8 Mar 2005

    Walking on the beach hand in hand at sunset with the one you love and suddenly remembering that you left the gas oven burner on back at the beach house, so you run as fast as you can back and fail to notice the Portugese Man of War jellyfish washed up from high tide before you step on it barefooted and drop to the sand screaming in agony, "Aaaaaaaagh!!!! Pee on me...Quick, somebody pee on my foot!!"
    Meanwhile as you lay writhing in pain a ghost crab decides he's found a suitable new home and crawls up the leg of your swimming suit. The thrashing about disturbs him so he clamps down on your left testicle with his huge pincher. As your screams suddenly take on a disturbingly high soprano pitch you realize that the course sand has now worked it's way up inside your butt crack, and feels like 60 grit sandpaper rubbing against your private parts. As the pain becomes too much to bare you go into a state of shock and fall back unconscious and motionless, while the ocean waves gently lap and caress your body.
    In this peaceful place you suddenly have a flash of insight. You don't really like the girl you're're gay, and have had a secret crush on Professor Werner ever since eighth grade biology class. You only dated this girl because she had a moustache above her lip just like he had.

    As you slowly regain consciousness you raise your head slightly from the salty water and watch the flaming sun dissapear beneath the cerulean blue and pink horizon, while some well meaning nine year old kid misses the target area and starts peeing on your stomach.