infinity in the palm of my hand
8 Mar 2005
Just now I crawled over and under a whole bunch of old dusty things as I searched for my old calculus notebook.
I couldn't believe the things that I found.
I still can't tell if I was happy or sad to see some of these things but they triggered something inside of me.
Covered in old memories, I cried.
The handwriting...the exclamation marks...the highlighter streaks...the folded up letters...the review notes...the stories.
I didn't know that such things would ever mean anything to me.
I didn't know that I could hold an entire world in my lap. An old world. A world I didn't even know I had forgotten.
I didn't know that I would ever re-create moments and re-feel feelings.
I am scared. Thinking and realising that one day, today will be the same kind of thing.
And that I won't know that I have forgotten anything until I remember it again.
Even worse, what if I never remember it?
.. .. .. .. .. ..
I stopped looking after I found the notebook because everything I found made me cry.
The letter sealed with a "hole re-inforcement" sticker:
her smile, the pretty words she recited, her funny shoes, sitting on the bench trying to make him talk to us.
the black table tops, the uncomfortable stools, the hallway, cigarette smoke covered with cheap perfume, I could see his underwear elastic, the teacher had chalky fingers, the pen in his pocket, whispering in class.
The card in the purple envelope:
holding hands, the locker, freckles on wrists, rushing to meet outside each other's classrooms, the way he smelt, 18 months is sometimes a long time, running down the hill, driving, real happiness.
The practice test:
switching classes to be with friends, studying at that bench, his fingers, her pens, group projects, un-tired...un-bored...un-worried.
The notes on the back of the article:
brains changing, worlds changing, new friends, cheese, his typos, her laptop, subway rides, discoveries, decisions.
The grade 8 birthday card:
3 seat rows, crushes, best friends, the blue mats, his smile, her nose, the cuttlery holder in her kitchen, the carpet in her room, sleepovers, spelling tests, singing, quebec trips, "marry me", matthew, stripe shirts, sunglasses, lip gloss.
... ... ... ... ...
I cannot believe how many things have happened to me, how many things I have learned, how many people I love.