In The Mirror
17 Sep 2003
The world is not what i expected it to be
When i was a child the world was grand and magical, nothing would or could ever go wrong, there was joy in sun and sky and there was triumph in action. As i grew older i began to realize that this was not the way the world was and that scared me. I think the first time I lost my illusions was when i saw my mother crying. I twas shocking that someone I had always considered strong was reduced to tears of helplessness, even though i could not understand the full reason for her tears I knew that it was the death of something for me. After that I never saw my mother in the same light, I found that the distant towers an castles, so ornate and bright colored in my youth were nothing more than illusions, crumbling rotitng pieces of waht should have been greaness but was and is instead something I cannot bring myself to name, only to say that it was the opposite of greatness and I felt a perpetual state of loss.
Even after I realized that the world I wanted, the world of love and joy and unicorns, did not and could not exist I still believed that i could find it, or make it, or pretend it. It did not come, I could not force the world to take on the shape I wished it could grant me, the illusions I designed shattered one by one and society left me broken, and dead, yet still strong, always strong, always fighting, stronger at those broken places.
I grew up believing that everything was good and pure, that though the wicked witch might try to stop you there would always be a happy ending and there would always be that one true love to carry you away. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, these are the stories that captivated me and told me what my future was supposed to be. i was raised to believe in happily ever afte without thought of the fact that this was an absolute that oculd never exist. I was never told that people were evil (in my mind the witche always lost), that my parents were not perfect ( they used to be superheroes), that the world was not all beautiful ( no castle, no sunset, no big white horse waiting in the woods with a handsome prince).
No one told me that i would become the wicked witch as well as the princess.
No one ever told me, not in the books or the movies or on TV, that sometimes the bad guys win (who are the bad guys?), and the girl dies (I don't want to be alone!), and no one falls in love (what is love?)
I grew up believing in magic and now i find that i have nothing left because nothing I learned, nothing I saw, nothing I ever experienced as a child was ture, it was all just an illusion that the world gave me so i could feel beautiful and special and know that someday i would be that princess without thought for the fact that maybe dreams don't come true.
I thougth I could change the world (They told me I would), and instead, I found to my dismay, that it was the world who changed me (No more Illusions)